This life
These years
Forty-five now
Little sis posted, and reminded me
I wasn't supposed to live
Or, there were supposed to be "severe delays" if I made it
I've always joked about those "delays"
The reason I'm not "normal'
But this is part of my story
You let me live
And I was almost hit by a car at four
But I wasn't, I lived
There maybe be more times
Many more times
You let me live
You arranged for me to live
Let me live
Let me live for Your glory
Accomplish through me things that wouldn't have happened otherwise
Let there be things that happen on this planet, in lives
That would not otherwise have happened
But did
Because You gave me life
And because You lived in me
And because You led, and You guided and You empowered
And You accomplished
Many of the good things You wanted to do
Through my willing hands and surrendered heart
Let this be the story that is told
Let this be the truth that is lived
Oh, it's not fully now
And it's not fully yet
But it is still possible
Because You are
Redeemer
Strength
The One who shines through broken jars
Take this life of mine
Past
Present
Future
What was
What is
All that will be
Take it
Form it
Do something amazing
Empower
Strengthen
Emblazen
Let Your mark be on this life
Let Your light be what shines
Let Your breath
Breathe hope and life into these wasted bones and sinews
And then through me to them
To and for this broken world
These precious lives
May this life
Be all You intended it to be!
Maybe
Maybe there's a strong that feels...weak
Maybe there's a victorious that doesn't feel at all triumphant
Maybe there's a successful that feels...lost, wandering, all over the place
Maybe things are not at all what they seem
(Dec. 16, 2014)
Maybe there's a victorious that doesn't feel at all triumphant
Maybe there's a successful that feels...lost, wandering, all over the place
Maybe things are not at all what they seem
(Dec. 16, 2014)
The invitation
written Dec. 1, 2014
Pulling
Drawing
What are you pulling me
into
towards
A new level of abandon
commitment
surrender
How
Why
I don't understand it
It just seems that all that has happened
Is working together towards something...
Pulling
Drawing
What are you pulling me
into
towards
A new level of abandon
commitment
surrender
How
Why
I don't understand it
It just seems that all that has happened
Is working together towards something...
Satan won...
Satan won
this time
for now
over this life
He convinced her
time and again
that she was unloved
It was the lie she believed
misconstrued
from many events
and to which she finally succumbed
What blocked the way
Why was she not able to come to healing
Why was there no way through
He also seemed to convince her that
there was no way out
there was no one she could talk to
she needed to build distance
and keep it inside
Yes, if he could convince her
to hold it inside
to not be open about her pain
to not ask for serious help
then he could weaken her
What happened in those final moments
We may never know
What finally snapped
What finally won
What went right all those other times
Why she kept on...
But finally
she did it
took her life
and left her husband
and boys
and parents
and siblings
aching
wondering
Yes, his mark is all over this
the prints of the one who comes and loves
to steal, kill and destroy
Much has been destroyed
Hope is gone
hope for
reconciliation
forgiveness
holidays spent together
a family whole at significant times
Yes, Satan, you surely dealt a blow
that will be felt for a long time
But know this
This is not the end of the story
And hope still remains
this time
for now
over this life
He convinced her
time and again
that she was unloved
It was the lie she believed
misconstrued
from many events
and to which she finally succumbed
What blocked the way
Why was she not able to come to healing
Why was there no way through
He also seemed to convince her that
there was no way out
there was no one she could talk to
she needed to build distance
and keep it inside
Yes, if he could convince her
to hold it inside
to not be open about her pain
to not ask for serious help
then he could weaken her
What happened in those final moments
We may never know
What finally snapped
What finally won
What went right all those other times
Why she kept on...
But finally
she did it
took her life
and left her husband
and boys
and parents
and siblings
aching
wondering
Yes, his mark is all over this
the prints of the one who comes and loves
to steal, kill and destroy
Much has been destroyed
Hope is gone
hope for
reconciliation
forgiveness
holidays spent together
a family whole at significant times
Yes, Satan, you surely dealt a blow
that will be felt for a long time
But know this
This is not the end of the story
And hope still remains
Grief coming on...
A grief coming on
First it was for my kids
Birthed from an idea
And it led me to
My grief
The losses
The current struggles
In family
In relationships
Things unsettled
Things not mentioned
Glances
Words
Questions
Awkwardness
Much just barely felt
Until the times when
I feel it all
It's probably all down there
Building
Adding
Soon to be a volcano
Erupting
Unless I heed the call, the invitation
Today
To enter in
I wrote the above 4 days ago. Then, two and a half days later I heard the news, the dreadful news--a cousin is gone from this life, took her own life. Oh the pain, oh the agony, especially for those closest to her. And for me...a sense of His guiding, leading...a heart prepared, and a time...to enter into what all this means, the feelings, the things that need to be acknowledged, the sharing with family.
God of this journey
You know my ways
You know the past, present and future
You know the mess
The incompetence
Inadequacy
Of my ways
And yet You are guiding
You are here
You are leading
Lead us all
Guide us Lord
Heal us
Teach us
And for those especially hurting
Hold them Lord
Comfort
Strengthen
Give hope
And light through this darkness
First it was for my kids
Birthed from an idea
And it led me to
My grief
The losses
The current struggles
In family
In relationships
Things unsettled
Things not mentioned
Glances
Words
Questions
Awkwardness
Much just barely felt
Until the times when
I feel it all
It's probably all down there
Building
Adding
Soon to be a volcano
Erupting
Unless I heed the call, the invitation
Today
To enter in
I wrote the above 4 days ago. Then, two and a half days later I heard the news, the dreadful news--a cousin is gone from this life, took her own life. Oh the pain, oh the agony, especially for those closest to her. And for me...a sense of His guiding, leading...a heart prepared, and a time...to enter into what all this means, the feelings, the things that need to be acknowledged, the sharing with family.
God of this journey
You know my ways
You know the past, present and future
You know the mess
The incompetence
Inadequacy
Of my ways
And yet You are guiding
You are here
You are leading
Lead us all
Guide us Lord
Heal us
Teach us
And for those especially hurting
Hold them Lord
Comfort
Strengthen
Give hope
And light through this darkness
The song that makes me weep...
What is it with this song? As I listened the first time, the second time, and then again today...tears stream down my face. I
first heard it last week, when I was at a Catholic retreat centre. Each
of us were all on our own silent retreat, so no interaction, but there
was this 11:30 liturgy time. I forgot about it, but suddenly heard
singing. I went to the chapel, but was late and didn't want to disturb
or be noticed, so I stood outside the door listening, and this is what
they were singing. Certain lines jumped out and touched me. I searched the hymnal they were using to try to find it. No luck. But online, I found it. There seem to be a couple versions.
Why the tears? It's a mixture of so many things.
There is a shame and yet a receiving of grace
There is a being moved at such a noble vision, such a tender heart
And an amazement that humbles me,
That I would be invited to be a part of such a great and noble thing.
But also shame...dismay
For many times I hear You "calling in the night"
And I don't give the respect and honour that is due
I run off to other things
Listen to other voices...
And yet I still hear You calling
Maybe if I sit here long enough
Keep getting to know You, keep hearing Your heart
I might be moved
To clearer intent, greater obedience, greater surrender,
More focused and intentional following
Here it is, sung by Chris Bray...lyrics below.
Here I am, Lord,
by Daniel O'Donnel (His version)
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
John Michael Talbot switches the last verse for this one
I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?
John Michael Talbot's version:
Why the tears? It's a mixture of so many things.
There is a shame and yet a receiving of grace
There is a being moved at such a noble vision, such a tender heart
And an amazement that humbles me,
That I would be invited to be a part of such a great and noble thing.
But also shame...dismay
For many times I hear You "calling in the night"
And I don't give the respect and honour that is due
I run off to other things
Listen to other voices...
And yet I still hear You calling
Maybe if I sit here long enough
Keep getting to know You, keep hearing Your heart
I might be moved
To clearer intent, greater obedience, greater surrender,
More focused and intentional following
Here it is, sung by Chris Bray...lyrics below.
by Daniel O'Donnel (His version)
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
John Michael Talbot switches the last verse for this one
I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?
John Michael Talbot's version:
The pull, the choice...
Torn
Pulled
Where will I live?
Where will I focus my attention?
This, I suppose, is the challenge
The NEWer challenge
To find a way, somehow
To focus my attention HERE
Here
where You have led me
where I have lived most of my adult years
where it's become so old and hard
often it isn't naturally exciting and 'drawing' anymore
But here You have led me
To here I have agreed to commit
At times the vision still feels glorious and grand
At times it isn't 'old'
At times it is still very compelling
There still is much joy
And work that excites
But it doesn't come as naturally anymore
And there are newer and fresher
attractions
ideas
That compete, and draw
My attention
So
I must choose
I must choose TODAY
Today, fresh, I must find a way
To look in the face of what I am supposed to do
And make it my focus
My goal
My aim
Today, fresh, I must look away from other things
Today I must do this
And then, tomorrow, remember
And figure out how to do it again
Again and again I must choose
Maybe the "torn" feeling will lessen
Maybe the other "draws" won't be so strong
Maybe it will be a constant battle
But it's not really about here, is it?
It's about You
Somehow staying rooted in You
And then living here
(wherever "here" is at the time)
Ah Jesus
Teach me to live
Rooted in You
And living fully HERE
Pulled
Where will I live?
Where will I focus my attention?
This, I suppose, is the challenge
The NEWer challenge
To find a way, somehow
To focus my attention HERE
Here
where You have led me
where I have lived most of my adult years
where it's become so old and hard
often it isn't naturally exciting and 'drawing' anymore
But here You have led me
To here I have agreed to commit
At times the vision still feels glorious and grand
At times it isn't 'old'
At times it is still very compelling
There still is much joy
And work that excites
But it doesn't come as naturally anymore
And there are newer and fresher
attractions
ideas
That compete, and draw
My attention
So
I must choose
I must choose TODAY
Today, fresh, I must find a way
To look in the face of what I am supposed to do
And make it my focus
My goal
My aim
Today, fresh, I must look away from other things
Today I must do this
And then, tomorrow, remember
And figure out how to do it again
Again and again I must choose
Maybe the "torn" feeling will lessen
Maybe the other "draws" won't be so strong
Maybe it will be a constant battle
But it's not really about here, is it?
It's about You
Somehow staying rooted in You
And then living here
(wherever "here" is at the time)
Ah Jesus
Teach me to live
Rooted in You
And living fully HERE
Strength Comes
Strength comes
Like you promised
Enough for each day
Enough for tomorrow
I even feel a little left over towards tomorrow
But ...
It may be gone by morning
When I'll need to come again
Learn to trust again
Like you promised
Enough for each day
Enough for tomorrow
I even feel a little left over towards tomorrow
But ...
It may be gone by morning
When I'll need to come again
Learn to trust again
Keep reaching up (Talking to Trees)
Where do you find the strength?
How do you sustain and support yourself out there
So far from the trunk
No external support
You started out pointed down, but then grew up
What sort of internal dynamics or structure
Enable
Support
Insist
That you continue to point up
That you must reach up
You will continue to grow up
If you can
Then there must be a way I can
Extended
Reaching
Far from visible and obvious support
But strengthened from within
Created to endure
And thrive
And keep reaching up
And going forward
We need to talk... I need to hear
We need to talk
Well, we have been talking
Maybe You've been talking to me
Maybe I've heard some things
I think I have
Maybe I haven't heard what You've really wanted me to hear
Maybe I haven't been listening
But...
I think things are coming to a climax here
Or they need to
I need to hear... more
Something has to change
Maybe... I sense...
In the end there will be
Some sort of
newer way
or deeper level
of trusting You
There must be
There needs to be
Somehow, some way
Something needs to change
Really change
Please, can You break through to me here?
Can You say something really loud and clear?
Something that will give clarity, direction
and hope
for this next season
for today
We need to talk
or rather
I need to hear
Really need to hear
Please speak
Please break through
Strengthen my heart, my soul
For this journey
That has somehow become
Harder than ever
Seek the Lord and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
seek his presence continually!
I. Chr. 16:11, ESV
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my
trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
Ps. 143:8, NIV
Come to me...(again)
"Come to me," You said...again, still.
You reminded me: "I love You"
(Thank You!)
And we have spent these days
I have tried to be still
And yet not as still as I could have been
How still do you have to be anyways?
How clear do I need to see?
God of my journey
God who knows all
There hasn't been time
There isn't space
To explore all
To resolve all
Much just started
Much pondered
(the trees...I will be pondering for days!)
But...it's okay, isn't it?
You will take it from here
You will take me from here
You will continue to guide and lead
This is one thing I do take away
The message of this reading
I read it on day one, and continued to ponder
I read it again today
Each time, tears come
It may be granted, therefore, that we are called to difficult and costly service. Yet have we abundant cause to be satisfied with it, from the sustaining support and consolation provided for its emergencies. All, indeed, may be considered to be included in the single promise, "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the world." The officers he employs, in every age, are entitled to this treasure, as well as those of the first age. Keep your mind believingly attentive to this "always"--
"Lo, I am with you,"
to qualify and succeed you in whatever work I call you to.
"Lo, I am with you,"
to comfort you by my presence and Spirit, when your hearts are
grieved.
"Lo, I am with you,"
to defend and strengthen you in trials, though all men forsake you.
While he stands with you, there can be no just cause for fear or faintness. You need no other encouragement. This you shall never want, if you continue faithful: and thereupon you may conclude, "The Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me until his heavenly kingdom."
--Daniel Williams as quoted in On the Ministerial Office
(A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants, pp.382-383)
Something's wrong
Something is wrong
But I don't know what
Something is
unsettled
not at peace
not at home
wandering
searching
seeking
yearning
not satisfied
lacking joy
lacking enthusiasm
Maybe it is the accumulation...of life
things unresolved
questions unanswered
wonderings
discomfort at my many failings
Jesus,
I'm arranging some time
Clearing away the noise
To meet with You
To focus in
To come and hear
Please
Meet me in that time
Speak deeply to my soul
Remind me again of Your love
Show me...whatever I need to see
And strengthen me again
In whatever way it is needed
For the future, the journey, that only You know
But I don't know what
Something is
unsettled
not at peace
not at home
wandering
searching
seeking
yearning
not satisfied
lacking joy
lacking enthusiasm
Maybe it is the accumulation...of life
things unresolved
questions unanswered
wonderings
discomfort at my many failings
Jesus,
I'm arranging some time
Clearing away the noise
To meet with You
To focus in
To come and hear
Please
Meet me in that time
Speak deeply to my soul
Remind me again of Your love
Show me...whatever I need to see
And strengthen me again
In whatever way it is needed
For the future, the journey, that only You know
Satisfy
Nothing to feed me here
Or nothing to feed the distraction
The sense of meaning
The false sense of meaning?
And yet I am hungry
Searching
Wanting
Yearning
For affirmation
Attention
Something that tells me...
I've cut off the sources
And now I'm left wandering
Places I've looked for comfort, encouragement
Are gone now
I'm left yearning...
I look to You
I try to look to You
Wondering if You really will
If You really do
Satisfy
In a sense I know You do
In a sense I know that only You do
But it feels like
It has been so long
How does it work anyway
Do You, in Yourself alone
Meet all of our needs
Just in You alone
Or do You meet some
Through people
Through relationships
Probably both
And yet people fail
You say You won't
Even with You...
Is it a sign of idolatry
Or just a sign of
Being a normal human being
(Something I have probably never been)
To desire connection
To thrive with healthy connection
But then...have I ever had enough of that either
Or nothing to feed the distraction
The sense of meaning
The false sense of meaning?
And yet I am hungry
Searching
Wanting
Yearning
For affirmation
Attention
Something that tells me...
I've cut off the sources
And now I'm left wandering
Places I've looked for comfort, encouragement
Are gone now
I'm left yearning...
I look to You
I try to look to You
Wondering if You really will
If You really do
Satisfy
In a sense I know You do
In a sense I know that only You do
But it feels like
It has been so long
How does it work anyway
Do You, in Yourself alone
Meet all of our needs
Just in You alone
Or do You meet some
Through people
Through relationships
Probably both
And yet people fail
You say You won't
Even with You...
Is it a sign of idolatry
Or just a sign of
Being a normal human being
(Something I have probably never been)
To desire connection
To thrive with healthy connection
But then...have I ever had enough of that either
Turning
A slow turning
Turning back to God
To fixing my mind and heart on God
Yes it's slow
Very slow
Help me God
Turning back to God
To fixing my mind and heart on God
Yes it's slow
Very slow
Help me God
Stripping and Building
Stripping down
Throwing away
Breaking through
The junk and clutter
Things have accumulated
In all parts of my world
Physical--paper clutter, piles, old electronics
Mental--questions, wonderings
Emotional--confusing relationships and obligations
Virtual--too many connections, options, places to run
More than I can even identify
I'm stripping down
Clarifying
Closing down
Cleaning out
Throwing away
A lightness comes
A hope
A sense of living in the present
It's not done
I must continue
For there is much to be cleared away
And if I don't continue
The piles will return
To clutter
And drag down again
But as I strip away
I'm also aware of barrenness, emptiness
There are areas needing
Support, repair, or brand new additions
There is need to build
Physical--awnings for the cages, air con repairs, shelves
Mental--a plan, order
Emotional--strengthen life-giving relationships
Virtual--more intentionality
There was need to build before this stripping
And even more after
For what will fill the emptiness?
I've wasted too much time bogged down
How can I strip down and build up
For a life that will go the distance
Accomplishing the task
Faithfully running the race
Lighter
With more joy
Throwing away
Breaking through
The junk and clutter
Things have accumulated
In all parts of my world
Physical--paper clutter, piles, old electronics
Mental--questions, wonderings
Emotional--confusing relationships and obligations
Virtual--too many connections, options, places to run
More than I can even identify
I'm stripping down
Clarifying
Closing down
Cleaning out
Throwing away
A lightness comes
A hope
A sense of living in the present
It's not done
I must continue
For there is much to be cleared away
And if I don't continue
The piles will return
To clutter
And drag down again
But as I strip away
I'm also aware of barrenness, emptiness
There are areas needing
Support, repair, or brand new additions
There is need to build
Physical--awnings for the cages, air con repairs, shelves
Mental--a plan, order
Emotional--strengthen life-giving relationships
Virtual--more intentionality
There was need to build before this stripping
And even more after
For what will fill the emptiness?
I've wasted too much time bogged down
How can I strip down and build up
For a life that will go the distance
Accomplishing the task
Faithfully running the race
Lighter
With more joy
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,
let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,
despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,
despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself,
so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.
--Heb. 12:1-3
He withholds no good thing from us
There is a theme that came today.
First a Scripture reading included this:
Then a song recommendation--"Open My Hands" by Sara Groves
Which refers to this verse:
And I am stopped
Stunned
Sharing it with friends...I could hardly say it
I know I need to come before You
And find a way to believe it
First, am I walking uprightly?
If yes,
Then I can trust
You will withhold no good thing from me
The song...it's a song of paradox, a song that calls out faith
Some of the lyrics:
I believe in a blessing I don't understand...
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
...
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
...
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
So...will I?
Will I do this?
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
Funny, the lyrics I first copied over here have this line in the chorus:
I will show up and play the smallest part
Which actually is not in the song
But I like it...
I know I can "show up" and play my part
But can I do it with joy?
With confidence?
With expectancy?
With a knowing that You
Really will
Withhold no good thing from me?
Whatever I receive
Or don't receive
You are not withholding any good thing from me
You are filling my "mouth," my life
With good things
Many good things...
Lyrics:
I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing, no good thing from us
I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS:
I will open my hands will open my heart
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS
No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us
CHORUS
First a Scripture reading included this:
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things.
Ps. 81:10b
Ps. 81:10b
Then a song recommendation--"Open My Hands" by Sara Groves
Which refers to this verse:
The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
Ps. 84:10b
And I am stopped
Stunned
Sharing it with friends...I could hardly say it
I know I need to come before You
And find a way to believe it
First, am I walking uprightly?
If yes,
Then I can trust
You will withhold no good thing from me
The song...it's a song of paradox, a song that calls out faith
Some of the lyrics:
I believe in a blessing I don't understand...
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
...
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
...
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
So...will I?
Will I do this?
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
Funny, the lyrics I first copied over here have this line in the chorus:
I will show up and play the smallest part
Which actually is not in the song
But I like it...
I know I can "show up" and play my part
But can I do it with joy?
With confidence?
With expectancy?
With a knowing that You
Really will
Withhold no good thing from me?
Whatever I receive
Or don't receive
You are not withholding any good thing from me
You are filling my "mouth," my life
With good things
Many good things...
Lyrics:
I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing, no good thing from us
I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS:
I will open my hands will open my heart
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS
No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us
CHORUS
Waiting...
It hurts so much
I couldn't have imagined this pain
Do I regret having come here?
Almost
Do I want to stay open for more pain?
Like this?
Not really
But...
I don't know the end of the story
And, are there are some endings for which I would say,
"Yes, the pain is worth it"?
Probably
In the end
Can it be not about "pain"
or "endings"
But about how You led?
If I could hear You
If I know You are in this
If I know that I'm responding to Your direction
Then I can (maybe, hopefully!) trust
That it is part of Your forming
Your shaping
Even...
Your blessing
I'm not hearing You much or very well these days
I'm not sensing, or feeling much Your presence
It's nicer
It's easier
When I do
But I've learned my feelings are not the truth
Whether or not I feel
I can choose to trust
I choose to remember Your promises
You are here
You are guiding
You've promised to not let my foot slip
Could it be You are guiding even now,
Even when it feels like I'm slipping all over the place?
It could be
And so I wait...
I couldn't have imagined this pain
Do I regret having come here?
Almost
Do I want to stay open for more pain?
Like this?
Not really
But...
I don't know the end of the story
And, are there are some endings for which I would say,
"Yes, the pain is worth it"?
Probably
In the end
Can it be not about "pain"
or "endings"
But about how You led?
If I could hear You
If I know You are in this
If I know that I'm responding to Your direction
Then I can (maybe, hopefully!) trust
That it is part of Your forming
Your shaping
Even...
Your blessing
I'm not hearing You much or very well these days
I'm not sensing, or feeling much Your presence
It's nicer
It's easier
When I do
But I've learned my feelings are not the truth
Whether or not I feel
I can choose to trust
I choose to remember Your promises
You are here
You are guiding
You've promised to not let my foot slip
Could it be You are guiding even now,
Even when it feels like I'm slipping all over the place?
It could be
And so I wait...
What kind of darkness..., Part 2
Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom,
imprisoned in iron chains of misery.
Ps. 107:10
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people...
Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Is. 58:6b, 9
...Help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
Is. 58:10b, 11
Is this what You mean Lord?
I thought it might be about something systemic
Perhaps related to sexuality
And the "bonds broken" happening through education
But sitting there beside him
In his darkness
And later pondering
I realized...
This is good
You want hope for him
And maybe this is what You mean
When You talk about removing the chains that bind people
And the heavy yoke of oppression
I sensed You guiding that day
Guiding the prayers, the tears, the words
And maybe this is what You mean
When You say my light will shine out from the darkness
And that You will guide me continually
Guide Lord, lead
And...please,
Shine into his darkness
Make his darkness into light
Restore hope and strength to his bones once again
This is the view from where I sat, the view out the loft window. He was to my left. Previously others were sitting there too, in that chair, and others nearby, sharing that sacred space and time, lifting prayers.
imprisoned in iron chains of misery.
Ps. 107:10
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people...
Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Is. 58:6b, 9
...Help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
Is. 58:10b, 11
Is this what You mean Lord?
I thought it might be about something systemic
Perhaps related to sexuality
And the "bonds broken" happening through education
But sitting there beside him
In his darkness
And later pondering
I realized...
This is good
You want hope for him
And maybe this is what You mean
When You talk about removing the chains that bind people
And the heavy yoke of oppression
I sensed You guiding that day
Guiding the prayers, the tears, the words
And maybe this is what You mean
When You say my light will shine out from the darkness
And that You will guide me continually
Guide Lord, lead
And...please,
Shine into his darkness
Make his darkness into light
Restore hope and strength to his bones once again
What kind of darkness..., Part 1
Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom,
imprisoned in iron chains of misery.
Ps. 107:10
Sitting
Praying
Weeping
Inviting
Hope and comfort
Come fill this home
Fill this life
What kind of darkness
What kind of despair
Leaves a man
Hiding
Avoiding
Running
Mostly silent
All day
Every day
In bed
Oh he eats
And washes
But otherwise
Just laying there
He doesn't like staying there either
Shakes his head
Weepy
Tears as we pray
He doesn't like it
But it's the best choice he can see
It is all he can do
Father
Please break through
May Your warm gentle light
Break into his darkness
Warm his heart
Invite him
Up
And out
And on with life
Father
For the glory of Your name
For the love You have for them
For the son that's waiting, yearning
For the life that is left to be lived
For the purpose You have planned
Break through
Make change
Give hope
And life
And strength
And...
Whatever is needed
Update Sept. 25, 2014--Yesterday I learned that he does not just sit in bed all day every day. True, he rarely speaks, but his son says he does get up to go foraging on the hills for various in season plants and other edibles.
imprisoned in iron chains of misery.
Ps. 107:10
Sitting
Praying
Weeping
Inviting
Hope and comfort
Come fill this home
Fill this life
What kind of darkness
What kind of despair
Leaves a man
Hiding
Avoiding
Running
Mostly silent
All day
Every day
In bed
Oh he eats
And washes
But otherwise
Just laying there
He doesn't like staying there either
Shakes his head
Weepy
Tears as we pray
He doesn't like it
But it's the best choice he can see
It is all he can do
Father
Please break through
May Your warm gentle light
Break into his darkness
Warm his heart
Invite him
Up
And out
And on with life
Father
For the glory of Your name
For the love You have for them
For the son that's waiting, yearning
For the life that is left to be lived
For the purpose You have planned
Break through
Make change
Give hope
And life
And strength
And...
Whatever is needed
Update Sept. 25, 2014--Yesterday I learned that he does not just sit in bed all day every day. True, he rarely speaks, but his son says he does get up to go foraging on the hills for various in season plants and other edibles.
How does one hold...
How does a heart hold all the pain?
How does one...
Sometimes I almost want to stop asking the questions, but...
There she is, coming to visit.
And she looks troubled, carrying burdens...
and so I/we ask, and find out more, and more...
ugh...how hard...
I don't know what to do,
almost don't want to start to get involved,
but...how can I not....
Three kids,
oldest just out of junior high,
working to make money to get treatment for her dad
Mom left with an other man earlier this year
The girl who told me--her mom died a couple of years back,
her brother is still trying to pay off the debts...
She is starting 2nd year university now...
All I can offer is--a hug, a prayer (she wanted the prayer!),
and now...tears.
Maybe some answers will come, maybe some wisdom.
Maybe we'll be able to help the younger girl...
How does a heart hold all the pain?
I'm talking about hers...
And I'm talking about mine
But for me...
I know
It doesn't
I come to You
And dump it out
Again and again
But her...
Help her to come too
To know You are real
That You also can be her refuge and strength
How does one...
Sometimes I almost want to stop asking the questions, but...
There she is, coming to visit.
And she looks troubled, carrying burdens...
and so I/we ask, and find out more, and more...
ugh...how hard...
I don't know what to do,
almost don't want to start to get involved,
but...how can I not....
Three kids,
oldest just out of junior high,
working to make money to get treatment for her dad
Mom left with an other man earlier this year
The girl who told me--her mom died a couple of years back,
her brother is still trying to pay off the debts...
She is starting 2nd year university now...
All I can offer is--a hug, a prayer (she wanted the prayer!),
and now...tears.
Maybe some answers will come, maybe some wisdom.
Maybe we'll be able to help the younger girl...
How does a heart hold all the pain?
I'm talking about hers...
And I'm talking about mine
But for me...
I know
It doesn't
I come to You
And dump it out
Again and again
But her...
Help her to come too
To know You are real
That You also can be her refuge and strength
Tell me...
Tell me You think I'm beautiful
And that You love me
Just the way I am
Tell me again
and again
You did
It was wonderful
It was enough
But then I don't hear
And I wonder
And I'm tempted to overly seek
Or fall for
The affirmation of man
The folly of thinking that what people
Think about me
Is what really matters
Tell me every day
Cup my face in Your hands
Look in my eyes
Tell me again,
"You're beautiful to me.
I love you just the way you are."
If I hear You say this
I can live with joy
No matter what life throws at me
No matter what others think
And that You love me
Just the way I am
Tell me again
and again
You did
It was wonderful
It was enough
But then I don't hear
And I wonder
And I'm tempted to overly seek
Or fall for
The affirmation of man
The folly of thinking that what people
Think about me
Is what really matters
Tell me every day
Cup my face in Your hands
Look in my eyes
Tell me again,
"You're beautiful to me.
I love you just the way you are."
If I hear You say this
I can live with joy
No matter what life throws at me
No matter what others think
The Wrestle--Calling and Identity
So...what happened?
These days...I have been tested to the depths
of calling
and identity
...the things that matter most
When these are clear and firm
There is confidence
Hope
Joy
Motivation
When these are shaky
Questioned
There is darkness
Discouragement
No motivation
I have asked
Why did You make me like this?
I have needed to hear
Again
That it is good
That You made me good
It was a job well done
Not reluctantly good, or okay
But really good
The best possible
Well...I haven't heard to the level of "best possible" yet
But definitely more than "reluctantly okay"
I have remembered
The things You said to me
Through the years
Especially
Related to
...Lily 野百合
And then You reminded me
It came through me
That good thing
That 'break-through' event
That...
The vision came through me
Yes, me. Me.
I don't know why
But it came
And I said, "yes"
And I followed
And it happened
Better than I would have imagined
You want me to keep doing this, don't You?
You want me to keep going
To keep stepping out
Sometimes "knowing"
Sometimes only barely suspecting
And You plan to use me
You want to use this...
(I want to say "obnoxious," "pushing," "annoying"
But...You probably see it better than that)
This...
Tenacious
Determined
Persistent
Always looking for a way
Always looking for a better way
Never giving up
...little me
And then you say
I love you just the way you are
You're beautiful to me
(still coming...some past posts wrestling with the "Who am I?" ...)
These days...I have been tested to the depths
of calling
and identity
...the things that matter most
When these are clear and firm
There is confidence
Hope
Joy
Motivation
When these are shaky
Questioned
There is darkness
Discouragement
No motivation
I have asked
Why did You make me like this?
I have needed to hear
Again
That it is good
That You made me good
It was a job well done
Not reluctantly good, or okay
But really good
The best possible
Well...I haven't heard to the level of "best possible" yet
But definitely more than "reluctantly okay"
I have remembered
The things You said to me
Through the years
Especially
Related to
...Lily 野百合
And then You reminded me
It came through me
That good thing
That 'break-through' event
That...
The vision came through me
Yes, me. Me.
I don't know why
But it came
And I said, "yes"
And I followed
And it happened
Better than I would have imagined
You want me to keep doing this, don't You?
You want me to keep going
To keep stepping out
Sometimes "knowing"
Sometimes only barely suspecting
And You plan to use me
You want to use this...
(I want to say "obnoxious," "pushing," "annoying"
But...You probably see it better than that)
This...
Tenacious
Determined
Persistent
Always looking for a way
Always looking for a better way
Never giving up
...little me
And then you say
I love you just the way you are
You're beautiful to me
(still coming...some past posts wrestling with the "Who am I?" ...)
Passed
"Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me."
Matt. 11:6
You passed John, you did
You made it
You didn't stumble
There in that dungeon
You wondered
You doubted
It didn't make sense
Wasn't what you planned
Wasn't what you thought would happen
So you sent
And asked
But you didn't turn away
You were faithful to the end
And you are blessed
Compared to your real
And life-taking
Dungeon and trial
Mine...seems trivial
But I have known my own "darkness"
I have had to hold on through the night
Doubting if I have ever heard
Wondering if I had really followed His call
Or if that was all my own imagining
Especially in the light of how things were turning out
But you have taught me
You and many others through the ages
And the training He has given
...to not give up
...not turn away
...not stumble just because it doesn't make sense
I passed too
Thank You Lord
For strength to endure
Hope beyond seeing
The sense of Your approval now
And...since we're including lots of songs that have shared the journey...
Matt. 11:6
You passed John, you did
You made it
You didn't stumble
There in that dungeon
You wondered
You doubted
It didn't make sense
Wasn't what you planned
Wasn't what you thought would happen
So you sent
And asked
But you didn't turn away
You were faithful to the end
And you are blessed
Compared to your real
And life-taking
Dungeon and trial
Mine...seems trivial
But I have known my own "darkness"
I have had to hold on through the night
Doubting if I have ever heard
Wondering if I had really followed His call
Or if that was all my own imagining
Especially in the light of how things were turning out
But you have taught me
You and many others through the ages
And the training He has given
...to not give up
...not turn away
...not stumble just because it doesn't make sense
I passed too
Thank You Lord
For strength to endure
Hope beyond seeing
The sense of Your approval now
And...since we're including lots of songs that have shared the journey...
I Can SEE
...The LORD, my God, lights up my darkness.
Ps. 18:28
I can see again
Thank You LORD
Wow...what a battle
What a time to endure
The difference
between
clouds and fog
and
seeing clearly
is astonishing
Hope
Light
Energy and ability to work
Ideas to plan
I can see
Thank You
Please, can we stay here for a little while? Teach me...lead me. Help me keep walking forward in faith, believing, trusting You for all Your good promises and blessings, and strength for the journey.
Clouds part... Light breaks through...
Ps. 18:28
I can see again
Thank You LORD
Wow...what a battle
What a time to endure
The difference
between
clouds and fog
and
seeing clearly
is astonishing
Hope
Light
Energy and ability to work
Ideas to plan
I can see
Thank You
Please, can we stay here for a little while? Teach me...lead me. Help me keep walking forward in faith, believing, trusting You for all Your good promises and blessings, and strength for the journey.
Clouds part... Light breaks through...
Reaching
I can't see
It's dark.
The journey is long
and hard
And yet I'm reaching out to You
Jesus, You still capture my heart and my imagination again and again
I see Your goodness in this world
(Kent Brantley: Every Now and Then a Disciple Breaks out)
I see how You want to bring Your goodness
I see how it is You reaching out through me
Into the world You have put me in
And there is still strength
And still the want
To go there
To do that
To be that
It's hard
And the journey is long
But still
I'm reaching out for You
Finding strength in You again today
And as I reach out
You reach out to me
You continue to hold me
You continue to remind me
Of who You are
Thank You
It's dark.
The journey is long
and hard
And yet I'm reaching out to You
Jesus, You still capture my heart and my imagination again and again
I see Your goodness in this world
(Kent Brantley: Every Now and Then a Disciple Breaks out)
I see how You want to bring Your goodness
I see how it is You reaching out through me
Into the world You have put me in
And there is still strength
And still the want
To go there
To do that
To be that
It's hard
And the journey is long
But still
I'm reaching out for You
Finding strength in You again today
And as I reach out
You reach out to me
You continue to hold me
You continue to remind me
Of who You are
Thank You
Your forming
Your forming
Is quite amazing
I can see it
I can feel it
How You have led
How the challenges earlier
Have worked something into me
For now
I can see more
I am stronger, more aware
(written earlier in August)
Is quite amazing
I can see it
I can feel it
How You have led
How the challenges earlier
Have worked something into me
For now
I can see more
I am stronger, more aware
(written earlier in August)
Yearning
Yeah how?
How am I supposed to "not be discouraged"?
God,
I can't see You
I can't hear You
I don't know what You are doing
I
am
so
lost
Am I just supposed to keep going blind?
But how?
Please...
Show...
Give insight...
What
has robbed my hope
my faith
my confidence to get up and face it
to take on the day
Well
Maybe I know what has robbed it
Partly anyway
So
What do I do now?
I try to pray
I'm so agitated
All I can do is try
With what I know
And with a heart that leans in
And trust Your kindness
and compassion
To receive
Even when it feels like
not enough
or not quite right
How am I supposed to "not be discouraged"?
God,
I can't see You
I can't hear You
I don't know what You are doing
I
am
so
lost
Am I just supposed to keep going blind?
But how?
Please...
Show...
Give insight...
What
has robbed my hope
my faith
my confidence to get up and face it
to take on the day
Well
Maybe I know what has robbed it
Partly anyway
So
What do I do now?
I try to pray
I'm so agitated
All I can do is try
With what I know
And with a heart that leans in
And trust Your kindness
and compassion
To receive
Even when it feels like
not enough
or not quite right
Do NOT be discouraged
A nearby passage was my reading earlier in the week, and I was reminded of this, written 2010.09.15. At that time I had a sense that God was saying something to me--to press on, to go forward, to build. And now again I wonder if He is still saying the same thing.
From 1 Chron, 28:9, 10, 20:
Learn to know the God of your ancestors intimately
Worship and serve Him with
your whole heart and
a willing mind
For the Lord sees every heart
and knows every plan and thought
If you seek Him
you will find Him
So TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY
The Lord has chosen YOU to build a temple...
Be strong and do the work
Be Strong and Courageous and Do the work
Do not be afraid or discouraged
for the Lord God
My God is with you
He will not fail you or forsake you
He will see to it
that all the work...
is finished correctly
"Do not be discouraged!"
We are charged with that many times through Scripture.
I think I've been discouraged, or getting discouraged again and again.
Yesterday I was introduced to some new music, and found some other music, and it blessed me.
Either last night, or this morning I had the thought, "I'm going to need to work hard to NOT be discouraged." And, thankfully, I had ideas, and the energy to be proactive--got up to exercise, to work out to a new playlist of songs I purchased and downloaded videos for yesterday.
I bought and am enjoying many songs from Michael W. Smith's new album Sovereign.
Here is the song Sovereign over us
I also considered Steven Curtis Chapman's Glorious Unfolding. The song Take Another Step is good for me, something I need to remember. I get overwhelmed, lost, confused, can't see my way through, or how what I am doing will be useful, and I get paralyzed and stop. No...I need to learn to just "take another step, and another step."
Thank You Lord, for breaking through to me in my discouragement. Thank You...glimpses of clarity and hope break through, come again and lift me...
From 1 Chron, 28:9, 10, 20:
Learn to know the God of your ancestors intimately
Worship and serve Him withyour whole heart and
a willing mind
For the Lord sees every heart
and knows every plan and thought
If you seek Him
you will find Him
So TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY
The Lord has chosen YOU to build a temple...
Be strong and do the work
Be Strong and Courageous and Do the work
Do not be afraid or discouraged
for the Lord God
My God is with you
He will not fail you or forsake you
He will see to it
that all the work...
is finished correctly
"Do not be discouraged!"
We are charged with that many times through Scripture.
I think I've been discouraged, or getting discouraged again and again.
Yesterday I was introduced to some new music, and found some other music, and it blessed me.
Either last night, or this morning I had the thought, "I'm going to need to work hard to NOT be discouraged." And, thankfully, I had ideas, and the energy to be proactive--got up to exercise, to work out to a new playlist of songs I purchased and downloaded videos for yesterday.
I bought and am enjoying many songs from Michael W. Smith's new album Sovereign.
Here is the song Sovereign over us
I also considered Steven Curtis Chapman's Glorious Unfolding. The song Take Another Step is good for me, something I need to remember. I get overwhelmed, lost, confused, can't see my way through, or how what I am doing will be useful, and I get paralyzed and stop. No...I need to learn to just "take another step, and another step."
Thank You Lord, for breaking through to me in my discouragement. Thank You...glimpses of clarity and hope break through, come again and lift me...
Prayer...
What is prayer?
How can I learn to be a person who prays?
Probably ... by praying
I know how to pray, and yet I don't
What stops me?
Sometimes...it's just so easy to bring everything before you, and I do.
Sometimes...I don't know where to begin
Like these days
When I start
I just cry
Which probably means I need to keep going
Stay here
Before You
Until I hear
Until I see
What You are saying to me, in the midst of this
How can I learn to be a person who prays?
Probably ... by praying
I know how to pray, and yet I don't
What stops me?
Sometimes...it's just so easy to bring everything before you, and I do.
Sometimes...I don't know where to begin
Like these days
When I start
I just cry
Which probably means I need to keep going
Stay here
Before You
Until I hear
Until I see
What You are saying to me, in the midst of this
I LOVE This! (Remembering the Journey)
(written June 6, 2012)
"I LOVE this!"
It was Marcus Buckingham (and Andy Stanley who introduced me to him) that first enlightened me to the idea that I should develop my strengths. "But what are my strengths!?!?" I yelled in the kitchen one day, after realizing the idea really made sense. Going through Go Put Your Strengths to Work with staff in 2008, helped me start to notice what I 'loved' and 'loathed' as one indicator.
Did I say it? I love planning and programming that inspires and changes lives.
"I LOVE this!"
That's what I thought several times today while planning the last segment of the final activity for our graduating students. I love it, I really do. I love planning and programming that inspires and changes lives. I got excited a couple of weeks ago opening up the files and notes for the sessions we're teaching next week.
It was Marcus Buckingham (and Andy Stanley who introduced me to him) that first enlightened me to the idea that I should develop my strengths. "But what are my strengths!?!?" I yelled in the kitchen one day, after realizing the idea really made sense. Going through Go Put Your Strengths to Work with staff in 2008, helped me start to notice what I 'loved' and 'loathed' as one indicator.
Did I say it? I love planning and programming that inspires and changes lives.
Note: as of Aug. 13, 2014...
I STILL love planning and programming that inspires and changes lives!
I STILL love planning and programming that inspires and changes lives!
Dreams and Training
Until the time came to fulfill his dreams,[a]
the Lord tested Joseph’s character.
Psalm 105:19 (NLT)
The footnote on "his dreams" says "or his word." Interesting...they are really the same thing--the dreams God gave Joseph, were "his word" to Joseph, His plans for his life.
What seems like such a tragedy--Joseph sold as a slave to Egypt, is described in this passage as very planned and intentional. To prepare for the famine the LORD was going to send, "he sent someone to Egypt ahead of them" (v. 17a).
This plan seems so opposite the dreams. No, they were still real, true. The would still be fulfilled. Just...it was not yet time to fulfill those dreams. And until the time came to fulfill the dreams "the LORD tested Joseph's character."
You have also 'spoken' to me, and given me 'dreams.' Could it be that you are also, right now, 'testing my character'? Oh dear, if it's like test in school--"here it is, see how you do," well, I have already failed miserably. However if this 'testing' is a 'training,' then there is still hope. I can try, realize the challenge, fail miserably, come to You for insight, direction, realize what needs to change, work on the "strength training," build some muscle, keep trying.
Don't know where we get the idea that "dreams" are just "fun," and immediately granted or fulfilled. Generally, this is not the case. That it takes time, a lot of time, and struggle, to get there, in no way minimizes the truth, the power, the worth, or the reality of the dream.
So now, for me, I need to hang on to the dream, and until then, lean into the character training.
And...since I'm still listening to and enjoying Casting Crowns' Thrive album, here's a related song--Dream for You.
the Lord tested Joseph’s character.
Psalm 105:19 (NLT)
The footnote on "his dreams" says "or his word." Interesting...they are really the same thing--the dreams God gave Joseph, were "his word" to Joseph, His plans for his life.
What seems like such a tragedy--Joseph sold as a slave to Egypt, is described in this passage as very planned and intentional. To prepare for the famine the LORD was going to send, "he sent someone to Egypt ahead of them" (v. 17a).
This plan seems so opposite the dreams. No, they were still real, true. The would still be fulfilled. Just...it was not yet time to fulfill those dreams. And until the time came to fulfill the dreams "the LORD tested Joseph's character."
You have also 'spoken' to me, and given me 'dreams.' Could it be that you are also, right now, 'testing my character'? Oh dear, if it's like test in school--"here it is, see how you do," well, I have already failed miserably. However if this 'testing' is a 'training,' then there is still hope. I can try, realize the challenge, fail miserably, come to You for insight, direction, realize what needs to change, work on the "strength training," build some muscle, keep trying.
Don't know where we get the idea that "dreams" are just "fun," and immediately granted or fulfilled. Generally, this is not the case. That it takes time, a lot of time, and struggle, to get there, in no way minimizes the truth, the power, the worth, or the reality of the dream.
So now, for me, I need to hang on to the dream, and until then, lean into the character training.
And...since I'm still listening to and enjoying Casting Crowns' Thrive album, here's a related song--Dream for You.
Just.. follow me
(Remembering the journey)
In the pain, confusion and utter aloneness
of this day
I remember a scene from the journey
You and me
coming up to a hill
me the little girl, holding Your hand
You invite me to keep going forward
with You
following You
I cannot consider letting go of Your hand
to go somewhere else
but...
I cannot see what is ahead
so I cling to Your leg
You...
gently reach down
pick me up
carry me
I'm clinging tightly to Your neck
Now
I'm terrified
and exhausted
spent
Lord...
Are you carrying me?
A song comes to mind...
At the end of myself
I'm empty and dry
I have nothing to give
But surrender inside
...
At the end of yourself, just follow Me
When you lose everything, just follow Me
I will give you new life, just follow Me
Follow Me
If at the end of yourself, just follow Me
You may lose everything, just follow Me
I will give you new life, just follow Me
Follow Me
I'm at the end of myself
I don't think I did things my own way
... just follow Me
Follow Me
I'll follow
But...
I think You'll need to carry me
In the pain, confusion and utter aloneness
of this day
I remember a scene from the journey
You and me
coming up to a hill
me the little girl, holding Your hand
You invite me to keep going forward
with You
following You
I cannot consider letting go of Your hand
to go somewhere else
but...
I cannot see what is ahead
so I cling to Your leg
You...
gently reach down
pick me up
carry me
I'm clinging tightly to Your neck
Now
I'm terrified
and exhausted
spent
Lord...
Are you carrying me?
A song comes to mind...
At the end of myself
I'm empty and dry
I have nothing to give
But surrender inside
...
At the end of yourself, just follow Me
When you lose everything, just follow Me
I will give you new life, just follow Me
Follow Me
If at the end of yourself, just follow Me
You may lose everything, just follow Me
I will give you new life, just follow Me
Follow Me
I'm at the end of myself
I don't think I did things my own way
... just follow Me
Follow Me
I'll follow
But...
I think You'll need to carry me
Enough
I started listening to John's writing
As I walked the track this morning
And I wondered about you
I've wondered before but today I wondered again
Weird...
As soon as I heard the words
That you had come from God
As witness
An incredible longing welled up inside me
A longing to be close to God
To hear His voice
As though you must have known that
With this calling of yours
To know you were chosen,
Had a purpose, and a task
But then I wondered, if you really felt that close
And remembered...later
The doubt and despair you must have felt
As you languished in prison
For you sent your disciples asking
Revealing your doubts
But you had seen amazing things
Much earler, you had heard from God
How to recognize Him
And then it happened
You saw the Spirit land on Him like a dove
And a voice...
On that day, you knew
You really knew
Bet you were so sure of who He was
And why He had come
And how your whole life
Fit in the plan
I wonder if you thought
You would never doubt again
But you did
You doubted
Life became very dark
What were you thinking and feeling
In those very last moments
When they came for you
When you realized you were living your last minutes, seconds
Did a peace, a strength, fill you
Did He come close to comfort
That you would know His presence
I hope so
I wish it were so
I do not doubt God's presence was there
Watching, hurting perhaps
Giving you strength enough
I just don't know if you actually felt it as enough
But it was enough
To endure
Faithful to the end
I guess that's how it goes, doesn't it
This faith journey
Yours and mine
There are times of knowing, being so sure
But even after those times
Doubt
Darkness
Struggle
Crying out to make sense of it all
And no miraculous release
Did the answers satisfy
Was it enough
You asked
He answered
Reminding you of the prophecies
I'd like to think they did
Beautiful, isn't it
He didn't mind your questions
Didn't tell you off for doubting
But answered
I'd like to think the answer received then
Was enough
To strengthen those days
And make it to the end
Yes, that is how it goes
The visions
The hearing
The amazing proofs
Followed by darkness
Doubting
Questions
Wondering
Little bits of strengthening come
Various ways
Different times
Strength enough to get through that day
And then the next
Barely getting through it seems
But
Strength enough
Faith enough
To make it to the end
For me there will be
Strength enough
Faith enough
To make it
As I walked the track this morning
And I wondered about you
I've wondered before but today I wondered again
Weird...
As soon as I heard the words
That you had come from God
As witness
An incredible longing welled up inside me
A longing to be close to God
To hear His voice
As though you must have known that
With this calling of yours
To know you were chosen,
Had a purpose, and a task
But then I wondered, if you really felt that close
And remembered...later
The doubt and despair you must have felt
As you languished in prison
For you sent your disciples asking
Revealing your doubts
But you had seen amazing things
Much earler, you had heard from God
How to recognize Him
And then it happened
You saw the Spirit land on Him like a dove
And a voice...
On that day, you knew
You really knew
Bet you were so sure of who He was
And why He had come
And how your whole life
Fit in the plan
I wonder if you thought
You would never doubt again
But you did
You doubted
Life became very dark
What were you thinking and feeling
In those very last moments
When they came for you
When you realized you were living your last minutes, seconds
Did a peace, a strength, fill you
Did He come close to comfort
That you would know His presence
I hope so
I wish it were so
I do not doubt God's presence was there
Watching, hurting perhaps
Giving you strength enough
I just don't know if you actually felt it as enough
But it was enough
To endure
Faithful to the end
I guess that's how it goes, doesn't it
This faith journey
Yours and mine
There are times of knowing, being so sure
But even after those times
Doubt
Darkness
Struggle
Crying out to make sense of it all
And no miraculous release
Did the answers satisfy
Was it enough
You asked
He answered
Reminding you of the prophecies
I'd like to think they did
Beautiful, isn't it
He didn't mind your questions
Didn't tell you off for doubting
But answered
I'd like to think the answer received then
Was enough
To strengthen those days
And make it to the end
Yes, that is how it goes
The visions
The hearing
The amazing proofs
Followed by darkness
Doubting
Questions
Wondering
Little bits of strengthening come
Various ways
Different times
Strength enough to get through that day
And then the next
Barely getting through it seems
But
Strength enough
Faith enough
To make it to the end
For me there will be
Strength enough
Faith enough
To make it
Why so gracious
Sometimes I wish You were not so gracious
Of course, that's when I'm pointing the finger at someone else
"How could You let him/her get away with that?"
"Shouldn't you call her/him on that one?"
It's when I wish they would feel bad about what they have done
But You
seem to generously overlook
and put up with so much
in Your children
We are so flawed
so much "not yet right"
and yet You seem to focus on the good
work to bring out the best
let some things slide
glory in the beauty
in spite of the mess
How do You see Your child
when she has walked away
disillusioned
by all the wrong she has seen
and experienced
in Your family
How do You see the one
lost in blame of others
blind to the part they played
to trigger it all
How does Your heart keep
yearning
reaching
hoping
towards those who
walk away
ignore
refuse to look to You
How do you stay
gracious
forgiving
accepting
always willing to welcome a repentant heart
How is it that no one is ever beyond Your
compassion
willingness to forgive
compassionate eyes
You
amaze me
time and again
Thank You
for changing me
to be more and more like You
Of course, that's when I'm pointing the finger at someone else
"How could You let him/her get away with that?"
"Shouldn't you call her/him on that one?"
It's when I wish they would feel bad about what they have done
But You
seem to generously overlook
and put up with so much
in Your children
We are so flawed
so much "not yet right"
and yet You seem to focus on the good
work to bring out the best
let some things slide
glory in the beauty
in spite of the mess
How do You see Your child
when she has walked away
disillusioned
by all the wrong she has seen
and experienced
in Your family
How do You see the one
lost in blame of others
blind to the part they played
to trigger it all
How does Your heart keep
yearning
reaching
hoping
towards those who
walk away
ignore
refuse to look to You
How do you stay
gracious
forgiving
accepting
always willing to welcome a repentant heart
How is it that no one is ever beyond Your
compassion
willingness to forgive
compassionate eyes
You
amaze me
time and again
Thank You
for changing me
to be more and more like You
How am I held...
I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, 'you are my servant';
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isa. 41:9-10
He holds us. He is holding me. Discussing this with a friend, praying together, we talked about "being held" by God, and I realized she was talking about a specific way of being held, and I asked, "Held, how?" She described. It wasn't quite what I had been picturing, but it was good too...which got me thinking... There are so many ways to be held. There are so many ways I have been held. And I started imagining, and looking for pictures. Take a look, imagine...how have you been "held" by God? Does anything particularly resonate? There are more possibilities than what I was able to find. I also thought of a song...there are a couple out there with this idea. I've included Casting Crowns' Just Be Held.
Held
I'm so glad You are holding me
My "standing" certainly doesn't come by my own...
Well, I'm barely standing
I'm crawling
Or sleeping
Honestly,
I don't know what I'm doing
But I am Yours
And You hold me
And You never let me go
And...You will carry me
Through to the end
I'm so glad I'm Yours
I'm so glad You are holding me
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Ps. 37:23-24, NLT
(Guess, in this, I'm considering myself "godly." How bold is that? What is "godly"? My heart is toward God, set to follow, to learn to follow, stumbling though that process be. Yes...I count myself among those who are godly, because He is making my heart to be like His own.)
My "standing" certainly doesn't come by my own...
Well, I'm barely standing
I'm crawling
Or sleeping
Honestly,
I don't know what I'm doing
But I am Yours
And You hold me
And You never let me go
And...You will carry me
Through to the end
I'm so glad I'm Yours
I'm so glad You are holding me
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Ps. 37:23-24, NLT
(Guess, in this, I'm considering myself "godly." How bold is that? What is "godly"? My heart is toward God, set to follow, to learn to follow, stumbling though that process be. Yes...I count myself among those who are godly, because He is making my heart to be like His own.)
Death, part 2
Death came again
In ALL of its ugliness and horror
Leaving so much devastation
Those already hurting
Having suffered blows
Barely standing
Smacked again with this one
How will they handle it Lord
What happened
How...
What good could come out of this
What hope
How are they going to make it
I fear...some will be completely devastated
Beyond recovery
The tributes are being written
So many honouring the strength they saw
The encouragement they were given
One woman
Success and struggle
Pain and beauty
Gutsy, pushing limits, adventuresome
Hurting, hiding
... ... ...
NO
Not hiding
There was hurt
But she named it
Faced it
It's becoming more and more clear
The goodness left behind
There is a common theme
Her smile
Offered free
Strength of words and encouragement
Blessing many
The young, the weak, the broken, the rebels
Love for all
Love that didn't have to be earned
She saw the treasure in each one
Made each feel they were special, valued
Yes, there will be many tears
And much ache
For years to come
For the loss of one
Who meant so much
To so many
Who brightened the world
For so many
May we learn, and grow, and treasure
All that was good
And, oh, Lord, please wrap Your arms
Especially around her children
In ALL of its ugliness and horror
Leaving so much devastation
Those already hurting
Having suffered blows
Barely standing
Smacked again with this one
How will they handle it Lord
What happened
How...
What good could come out of this
What hope
How are they going to make it
I fear...some will be completely devastated
Beyond recovery
The tributes are being written
So many honouring the strength they saw
The encouragement they were given
One woman
Success and struggle
Pain and beauty
Gutsy, pushing limits, adventuresome
Hurting, hiding
... ... ...
NO
Not hiding
There was hurt
But she named it
Faced it
It's becoming more and more clear
The goodness left behind
There is a common theme
Her smile
Offered free
Strength of words and encouragement
Blessing many
The young, the weak, the broken, the rebels
Love for all
Love that didn't have to be earned
She saw the treasure in each one
Made each feel they were special, valued
Yes, there will be many tears
And much ache
For years to come
For the loss of one
Who meant so much
To so many
Who brightened the world
For so many
May we learn, and grow, and treasure
All that was good
And, oh, Lord, please wrap Your arms
Especially around her children
Death, part 1
Death comes, and catches us all by surprise
In an instant
Gone
(Well, this time, they had a few hours' notice)
It doesn't make sense
It doesn't fit
So much not yet right
So not the right time
When IS the right time for death?
In an instant
Gone
(Well, this time, they had a few hours' notice)
It doesn't make sense
It doesn't fit
So much not yet right
So not the right time
When IS the right time for death?
the God who gives hope
Four out of five days comforting crying girls
And now the tears come for me
How will You send help, Lord?
Who will You send?
Or maybe the help will come just straight from You
In that mysterious way You give and renew inner strength
The problems are bigger than we can handle
Lord, open their eyes to see You
To turn to You
And now, I'm the one hurting
Lord, You know
I turn to You
You, "the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort"
You, "the God of endurance and encouragement"
You, "the God of hope" and the God who gives hope
Thank You for hope
Because of You, in You
There is always hope
You are a refuge
You are my strength
Yesterday I testified to this
In front of them all
Today I experience
You...my refuge...
now...
again and again...
forever.
References: 2 Cor. 1:3, Rom. 15:5,13
And now the tears come for me
How will You send help, Lord?
Who will You send?
Or maybe the help will come just straight from You
In that mysterious way You give and renew inner strength
The problems are bigger than we can handle
Lord, open their eyes to see You
To turn to You
And now, I'm the one hurting
Lord, You know
I turn to You
You, "the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort"
You, "the God of endurance and encouragement"
You, "the God of hope" and the God who gives hope
Thank You for hope
Because of You, in You
There is always hope
You are a refuge
You are my strength
Yesterday I testified to this
In front of them all
Today I experience
You...my refuge...
now...
again and again...
forever.
References: 2 Cor. 1:3, Rom. 15:5,13
Someone Stronger
We all need someone stronger, don't we?
Someone to go to, when it is just too much
We want to and try to carry the burdens of others
And it is good
But eventually, we need help
She came to me today
"Can we talk?"
Later, motion, arms, hug...
It feels like too much
So much has happened
And now there is this fear
This terror
When will the next thing hit?
At Spring Festival, the accident
In June, the thing that happened to her dad
Now, grandma in hospital
Today, waking up to little brother with a high fever
All alone to take care of him and then to get to camp...
And her brother
The comment grandma made after their 4-day visit with mom
The way she snaps at him
Tells him off
Hurtful words, time and again
He's only ten
She watches him, her little brother
Starting to close in on himself
Becoming quiet, changing...
I asked, "Did you share this with your team?"
No...they...
One had shared about her dad's death
Another about her dad leaving
Another was terrified to face the day's challenge
The two guys...they tried to help but
Who was there to comfort the girls
She didn't want to add to the pain
So she kept her struggles in
Helped them
And today, has become exhausted by it all
She comes to me
And I know this is bigger than her shoulders can handle
She is a star
At the school
Among peers
An amazing girl
Kind, smart, caring, giving
Yet so much pain and pressure from all sides
I can comfort, listen, ask questions, cry with her
But it's not enough
Lord, she needs You
Open her eyes to see how she needs You
To see You
To know You are real and true
Be her refuge and strength through this life
Become the Rock she needs
Her source of strength
And as I pray that she will come to You
I come to You
I, too, need
Someone stronger
Someone to go to, when it is just too much
We want to and try to carry the burdens of others
And it is good
But eventually, we need help
She came to me today
"Can we talk?"
Later, motion, arms, hug...
It feels like too much
So much has happened
And now there is this fear
This terror
When will the next thing hit?
At Spring Festival, the accident
In June, the thing that happened to her dad
Now, grandma in hospital
Today, waking up to little brother with a high fever
All alone to take care of him and then to get to camp...
And her brother
The comment grandma made after their 4-day visit with mom
The way she snaps at him
Tells him off
Hurtful words, time and again
He's only ten
She watches him, her little brother
Starting to close in on himself
Becoming quiet, changing...
I asked, "Did you share this with your team?"
No...they...
One had shared about her dad's death
Another about her dad leaving
Another was terrified to face the day's challenge
The two guys...they tried to help but
Who was there to comfort the girls
She didn't want to add to the pain
So she kept her struggles in
Helped them
And today, has become exhausted by it all
She comes to me
And I know this is bigger than her shoulders can handle
She is a star
At the school
Among peers
An amazing girl
Kind, smart, caring, giving
Yet so much pain and pressure from all sides
I can comfort, listen, ask questions, cry with her
But it's not enough
Lord, she needs You
Open her eyes to see how she needs You
To see You
To know You are real and true
Be her refuge and strength through this life
Become the Rock she needs
Her source of strength
And as I pray that she will come to You
I come to You
I, too, need
Someone stronger
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