A Deeper Remembering

I'm so glad to have seen you today

I was walking out by the river
There for quiet
Alone
And pondering
But sometimes
Quiet and pondering can welcome interruption
Especially when it's an old friend
That I don't get to see too often anymore.

I hear my name being called
Look back to see you running toward me
Panting
Telling me how long 
You've been trying to catch up
Not quite sure if it was me

"You're thinner than before"
(Why she wasn't sure if it was me or not.
Thank you for noticing
Still far to go)
"Is it because it's hot?
Don't want to eat?
Can't get the food down?"
I laugh
(Is that really a thing for some people? 
Not for me)
No. Intentional. 

We chatted
I had thought to find a time to tell her
The decision
"Can I ask you to keep a secret?"
(It's not 'out' yet)
But yes, I can
She's come to me with secret things too.

I told her of my decision
And the recent journey
Asked about her
Her husband--ptl, they're not finding any more cancer
Her daughter--uni. entrance exams in two days, stress
And she--has had something like anxiety attacks ever since last fall
After her husband's diagnosis...treatments.

Later, she went to use the public toilet, while I waited outside
looking in through the entrance, 
I suddenly see her with a questioning look,
Looking up at the sign
Had walked into the men's room...
I wanted to take a picture of her face, her posture
(I'm laughing now)
And suddenly I remembered
Another bathroom picture
Many years ago

I reminded her when she came out
"Do you remember?"
She had dropped something in the squat pot at my house
And somehow I thought it was funny
To take her picture
Playing in the toilet
There she was, telling me not to take it
That I was a brat
But I did
(I think she's shaking her finger at me, and laughing, in the picture)

"What did I drop in there, my phone?"
"What?" I said, "Don't you know, we're old
That was when we were young.
Cell phones didn't exist yet then!"
I don't know what she dropped in there.
I wonder if I still have that photo somewhere

Not too long ago she sent me a different photo
The time I gave her a haircut
Can't believe she let me
I wonder if she liked it!
(chuckling)

We parted ways
I got on my bike
She walked back home
And suddenly the memories started
And I wanted to cry
This one is definitely different
All the memories, through the years
with one person

She was a friend from the beginning
Helped me clean the first house
Spent hours there those first days
Helped me find newspaper to line the cupboards
Find shops
Shop
We stood on my desk, moving it around the living room
Stencilling my walls

How many times did she invite me to share a meal with her family
Especially during traditional family holiday times

It was on that first trip to a countryside school
That we discovered a similar sense of humour
We've been kidding with each other ever since
When her daughter was young
And she saw evidence of "crazy"
She had 'proof' her daughter caught it from me
Isn't there a picture of her laying on my bed.
(Chuckling again)

"Don't think so much"
"It sounds like you're wanting to do something bad
you're so nervous about talking to the principal,
but this is good"

I think she helped me design what became my beginning-of-term speech
Trying to figure out how to maintain control 
In a class that was more active than they were used to

I attended her wedding
A bridesmaid, actually
I tried to encourage the revellers 
To leave their apartment
On their wedding night
No luck, they were there all night
She told me the next day

"Can you pray for me she said"
There in the hospital
Green paste of some sort smeared around her nipples
Concerned for the milk that wasn't coming

The times she want secrets kept
The privilege of being one of the few
Who could share the journey.
Hep C that wasn't responding to medication
But couldn't tell anyone
Worried about the political uproar it might cause
Would folks be worried that she, too, 
Would try to get money from the hospital
(the blood buying scandal that made international news)

The incident in the school leadership
She could have been vice-principal
But the false accusations that came
How devastated she felt

And her husband's cancer
Carrying the load of
Travelling to be with him in another province
Then back to teach
And be with her daughter
(last year of high school)
Not telling her daughter what it was about
Not telling his mother
A load to bear
A journey to walk
Alone

She's strong
She's tough
And yet she's soft, gentle, caring, and fun!

She sees a need and helps
I remembered the time she popped over, saw I was sick asked what she could do
I asked for bananas
She brought them quickly
Was it that time, or another
She brought her mom's chicken soup
("And if you have a chesty cough, 
you prepare it by steaming 'the blue part' of the chicken.")
She first introduced me to ginger tea

And she cares about her students
Cares about thinking
Cares to be a teacher that thinks and grows
And yet gets so tired, so bogged down
In a system where most don't. 

We started teaching in this school the same year
I left the school six years later
She went on
Became a grade leader--over 100 teachers
Respected
Yet had the courage to refuse that
Drop that position
When she could see it costing her mental health

In later years
We don't see each other often
But always, at least on Christmas
Christmas Eve, or before, or later
I'll get a call
She'll pop in
Bringing a Christmas and birthday
Gift and card
And I'll have a Christmas gift and card for her
And maybe her family

I suddenly realized today
Usually I can know I'll see her now and again
And then there is the fullness of the relationship
And all the memories
But 
Soon I won't see her
What will it be like to 
Leave the person
And all the memories behind
(Tears falling, again, rolling down my cheeks, over my lips)

I'm not even sure why it's hitting me so hard
Maybe with a combination of other things
(And PMS Ha! :o) )

Ah, but I'm thankful 
An early friend
Who did so much
To welcome me
Explain culture
Introduce me to 
Ideas, foods, people
Share life
Share her heart

Years ago, about 20, I was asked
Maybe it was that she asked me
"How long are you going to stay in Pt?"
Not sure why I gave the answer I did
Who could have known
"I'm going to stay here until your grand child is taking me for walks by the river,
calling me 'Grandma'"
I've thought of that often
She wasn't even dating then
But she did
Then got married
Had a child
The child has grown...
But not yet...it would be at least another 10+ years
Before there is a grandchild to walk by the river
I guess I won't see that day after all
But we came pretty close.



Interesting
Both of these 'rememberings' (today's, and the "I remember" post) happened on and after a walk on that nice path by the river
The earlier one was many short vignettes, people, students usually, 
Known for a shorter time, and a few significant moments coming to mind.
Today's--one person, and our long history. with many, many memories
Twenty-four years since I first met her
I wonder how many different 'flavours' of remembering and grieving I'll taste in weeks and months to come.
I wonder if that river path will become a very special place
Much like the front end of my journey here--how I used to walk back and forth across the 'man xian' bridge.

I Remember...

I Remember

The day she told me how her dad 
had tried to sell her

How tiny was his house, 
and how sad the story of his mom being tricked away

The day I found out 
he was suicidal, 
and homicidal

His story--the teacher beating him on the head in grade 4
Telling him off for his dad's odd and irritating behaviour

I Remember

The walk to that village
So many times
Each time not quite sure of the way
But sniffing it out
More than the walk
The people in that home
A rare place that treated me as 'normal'
Let me sit up there in the loft above the pigs
Chopping the feed
While we chatted
The walk away from the village
With another woman
Her analogy 
Rain "like diarrhea" that day :o) 
Making vegetable tofu
EATING that tofu
(Even if I stayed, 
those memories are long in the past, 
an era gone by)

I Remember

A me that was young and idealistic
Brimming with enthusiasm
And energy

I Remember

The man left by the river
I had to try to help 
Because earlier
Someone else
I hadn't
And he died

I Remember

Jack's older brother
How wrong it was
That he died that day

On the bus, halfway home
Hearing there had been an explosion
And some of my students lost their fathers

I Remember 

Things shared in grief groups
The stories of pain
The times it was the first time
They had had a chance to grieve
The day I was concerned about all the pain
But then asked
And remembered
No, this is good
Very good

I Remember

This thought trail will continue
And I will keep remembering
Until I remember no more. 

I wonder what new memories 
will be created 
in decades to come

The grieving begins...

And so... the grieving begins

What will it be like
To not walk these streets anymore
To not see the simple shops
To not be able to get to a grocery store
Or buy medication
Or fruit and flour
Within a 5 minute walk

What will it be like
To not always be noticed
Get the double-takes
Hear people talk about me as I walk by
To not have 3 different people greet me
On a 15-20 minute walk to work

Small town living has it's advantages
And disadvantages.

I'm going to miss
That Ratan chair and table set
My balcony garden
All those peace lilies
My innovative planters
My bright, open and full-of-plants office
My kitchen
My living room sofas
The bookshelves
All the little efforts made to make a home
And now I will leave the home

Maybe I should focus on the parts I DON'T like
Then it will be easier....
Yeah, I'm not going to miss the water stains that never got fixed
The electricity that seems to be faulty
I'm especially not going to miss the noise--in the house and out
And such a hard time to find quiet and beautiful places to walk

This is all about surroundings, things.
What is bigger, is the people.

What I love
The crazy openness of relationship
That is what it is with my colleagues
M.A. says I create community
and invite vulnerable relationship
Wherever I go
I don't need to worry about not finding it in the future
I know I already have it with some friends
Suddenly I catch a vision of creating it
in new places, once again.

But people
Their stories
Their homes
These are also the 'reels' that play in my head
The individual vignettes
So many
What a privilege
To have been allowed into their lives
To be trusted
To have shared the journey
At some pivotal and painful times

These encounters
Have marked me
Etched something on my soul

Traveller Still...

It's interesting
How the metaphors that come
Or the words spoken
That resonate
Become something that carries
Way further than we could have ever imagined

How did I come upon the ideas of 
Traveller and 
Sojourner
for me, for my journey

Oh yeah, sure
"Life is a journey"
"We're all on a pilgrimage"
And my life
Living half-way around the world
From where I was born
Where my roots first took hold
Perhaps led me to identify even more

But that's just the physical

Today I'm realizing again
I'm still on such a journey
The land is still so new
I thought I'd started out
   to new places
   before
I thought I'd 'landed'
But then came the need
To start out again

I've almost found a place to rest,
   I think
Though I'm not quite sure...
I know where it is
   that is 'most' comfortable now
Compared to all the other places
   that are definitely not
And yet I know
It may not be the place I stay
There is more to explore

And so
Today
Once again
I remember
I embrace again
My identity
As Traveller, Sojourner

I'm thankful that I'm "enjoying" it again.
I'm thankful that it actually feels pleasant
(Sometimes the journey has been just hard
sometimes terrifying!
Sometimes I've doubted
if there was a journey,
a road,
or if I was just mired in muck.

I am a traveller, a sojourner,
All my life I will be
And on this journey
Again and still
I am so thankful
for journey companions
Others exploring similar terrain
Others not content to stay where they are
When they discover 
the land where they have been 
has become 
   hostile
   a place of slavery
   and injustice

And this defines the kind of traveller I am
And the kind of travellers 
   that become my journey companions
We're not constantly moving, constantly leaving
Just out of wanderlust
Or a simply frivolous and 
   never-ending need 
   to see new places
(Though seeing new places is good
Maybe that's a part of discovering 
   the problems 
   with the place you are)
No, more we are compelled by 
   an awakening
   a discontent
   realizing where we have been
   is wrong
We cannot stay

A traveller, a learner
May I always be
And always "at home"
   with those who also seek

Noble Dreams

Sometimes I have noble dreams
Dreams of …
Being a part of bringing peace.
The fight on the street
The screams in the night…
What are the words said....?
Or the presence that would enter
That would bring calm
Invite change
While at the same time
Flooding each one with hope
Not shame

What do I do even now?
Up in my 4th floor apartment,
Hearing the yelling below
I’ve done it before
Run out into the night,
To follow a situation
To try to help

I’ve also not done anything at times
That girl being pushed into that black car…at 4 a.m.
What was that?

I try, I turn…
To tune into You
What might You say?
I want, I need
Your guidance
Each moment
Each time
In each of these situations
Whether to run out
Or stay

Tonight,
Not feeling the urgency/need
To run out there
There seem to be people involved
And yet I pray
Peace Lord,
Please bring your peace

….

Sometimes I have noble dreams
And yet these seem easier to pull off
With strangers
With those closer, today
Not sure I brought much peace...
I lost patience with the children
Some of the rambunctious boys
Several times :o(

Do I bring peace to the others?
It takes me so long to gain clarity about where I stand
The agitation inside, doesn’t lead to peace outside

How I need
To know You again
How I long
To live in Your presence again
To once again sense
Being led
How I need Your wisdom
How I long for Your guidance
How I need the clarity
That energizes
Lead me Lord.

A Celtic Blessing

May the Christ who walks on wounded feet
Walk with you on the road.

May the Christ who serves you with wounded hands
Stretch out your hands to serve.

May the Christ who loves with a wounded heart
Open your hearts to love.

May you see the love of Christ
In everyone you meet.
And may everyone you meet
See the face of Christ in you.


(Discovered this in my notes--while going through clutter-busting. I'll save it here. Don't need to keep the paper now.)

Can You make a way for me

I'm here, once again
Where I've been so many times before
Knowing this passion
Knowing this sense of calling
It's need I see, and I'm willing and eager
   To somehow work to see change
And I think the part of me 
That yearns to jump in
   To find a way
Is the part of me that You made
   The part of me that responds to You
That knows Your goodness
That has a sense of how this world was meant to be
And wants to play a part 
In seeing Your Kingdom come
Simply a response to Your invitation

And yet, once again
There is the "impossibility" of going forward
I don't know the way
There are options, yes
Each one will take a certain investment
Has pros and cons
Is one of these the way to go?
Will You lead, give wisdom
   As I/we research, investigate?

I'm here again
If this is You
If it has been You
Leading in this vision
Firing this passion
Giving the ideas to do this work
Then You 
Will have to show the way
Will have to make a way
Perhaps even using our hands to
   Clear the brush
   Build a road

Will You
   please...
       make a way for me.

As You Prepare to Leave

I'm feeling it tonight
Though I don't quite know what "it" is
It is a thankfulness
And a sadness
All wrapped together

She's in palliative care now
My mom says
Her health is declining
She will soon leave us

She's been a hero for me
Someone ahead, further down the road
Her life has given me glimpses of what mine might be
As I've watched her
Fifty years ahead of me

Aunt Annie,
I hope I will be like you in so many ways
Your positive outlook
Your choosing of grace, forgiveness and service
Rather than self-pity, bitterness or complaining
Your consistently reaching out to others
And yet trusting the Lord yourself too
There is probably much more too
But honestly, we haven't seen each other very often
For me to know more
I'm thankful for the amount of connection we've had
For your emails
For your encouragement

I hope this last leg of the journey goes well for you
I hope you know His comfort
His peace
I hope He holds you, in a very special way
I hope you are at peace
And that there is joy
As you graduate on
To the life after this one

Thank you for this life you have lived
Thank you for showing me how to live it well
To live it with courage
And with grace
I will choose to remember you
And I will take courage from your life
Long after you are gone
Thank you for your faithful journey
Thank you for the strength you have imparted to me

Blessings
Peace
Comfort
Be yours


I wrote another post for Aunt Annie a few years ago, for her 94th birthday. Here is more of this woman, and how she has blessed and impacted me: Thanks Aunt Annie!

Update: on Nov. 10, 2017 Aunt Annie took her last breath...

Yearnings...

Yearnings...

These yearnings come
Yearning to be more
Yearning to have joy again
Yearning to live
enthusiastic 
once again

I yearn to throw off this heaviness
This never-ending wondering
and struggle
and searching
and 'trying to figure out'
for LIVING
living somehow enthusiastic and free
once again.

Are my memories deceiving me?
Maybe it was never as "light" and free as I'm imagining.
My "intense" personality has always been a little angsty

(This post...perhaps not complete...Written Nov. 5, 2017, posted May 2018)

Trembling and Bewildered, Afraid

Mark 16 
When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?”
But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’”
Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.

The Realization

     I guess I am a little "afraid" after all.


But...

It's okay to be afraid and bewildered
   as you follow this Jesus
This Jesus...who will constantly surprise you
   with what he does next
It's okay
   that it takes you time to process it all

He still comes to you
   invites you into the experience
   and the revelation
He still goes ahead of you
   and waits for you
   in the unknown

Follow
Trembling
   Bewildered
      Afraid
Go there anyway
You won't want to miss out
   on this adventure!


The invitation:
   Expect the unexpected
   Cultivate a sense of anticipation (it is a faith) choice.
   And in my mind ring the words, "In the light of an unknown future, why would you choose fear [instead of faith]?"


Note: the above are my reflections that came from this Lectio Divina meditation: The Risen Christ Goes Ahead of You


Tired of Simplistic Faith

God, I'm tired of simplistic faith!
And simplistic teaching on faith
Simplistic lists of sins
That leave most of us feeling 
     self-satisfied with ourselves
     noble in helping others
     along with a little bit of pity
     ...disguised as compassion
"Come to the Cross,
     and everything will be okay"
Really?
That's all it takes?
What does that mean anyway?
Does it help us?
Does it help anyone?

And it bugs me
That this sort of thing is still
So prevalent
It seems we may be
Doing more harm than good
Inoculating people
Against true faith
When they get a chance
To finally hear it


Greetings Friend!

Hi there,
It was good to see you again today.
As you came close
I suddenly realized
How nice it was
And...
    It's been a LONG time

There you were
Feeling light and free
Enjoying people
Enjoying strangers
The elderly lady who was friendly
    Sitting beside her on the bus
Chatting, about 
    life
    the city
    what it's like to be retired
Noticing and enjoying the exuberant little girl
    Walking home from school with her grandmother
A smile for the woman walking her dog
Letting a young man know
    "I also like those little croissants
    ---bought some yesterday."

I saw you there
Just a few glimpses today
I wonder if you'll be coming back
More regularly
Stay for longer
I'd like that
I really would

I wonder what sort of space and time
Is needed for that to happen
Maybe you were never meant
To come back permanently
Maybe...
    You've changed in the absence
Maybe...
    I don't even know what I'm looking for
When I yearn to see the "real you" again

Ah...
The me I want to be
More often
For longer
I wonder what it will take

You Will Always Struggle... (Notes for the Journey #1)

You will always struggle to figure out how to live a healthy life.
Do not be surprised at this!

Your dreams are huge. New people and ideas keep coming. New projects start. You are changing. Your life is changing. Your body is changing. Those you work with are changing. All along the way you will discover new things about yourself, your energy levels, what inspires, what drains. There will be a continuing need to re-examine and then adjust, based on the new understanding that you have.  

Do not be discouraged at this need for continual discovery and change. Do not give in to the misplaced idea that because you have not yet "figured it out," somehow you have failed. 

What will work for you, will not work for someone else. What works for them, probably wouldn't work for you. YES! Learn from others. YES! Adopt and adapt time-tested principles. YES! Take on their wisdom and use it in your own life. But you are not "them" (whoever "they" are), and "they" are not you. 

Lay down this idea that "getting it right" or finally "figuring it out" should somehow be your goal, or that it is even possible. Drop the all-or-nothing thinking that leads you to either focus on "figuring it out" or giving up via the many ways you can run. 

Just live.

Live.
Breathe.
Relax.

Know that you are loved, you are valuable, what you do matters, and this all while you are so NOT "figured out."

Learn to live each day in hope. Learn to live each day, each moment, making the wise choice for that time. Yes, keep setting aside those times to stop and evaluate and strategize to make the adjustments needed based on what you see now. But do not expect it to be perfect. Don't even hope for that. Realize and embrace the reality that even the new (better) plan will need to flex, change, and someday it may be scrapped altogether. It will serve your journey for the time it was needed, and that is enough.

Again, take a deep breath.
Life is good.
Live it exuberantly.
Live it well.
In all your glorious, imperfect messiness. 

Breaking

An article
A woman
Mother of young children
Struggling and stressed
Sitting on the floor
Crying...
For so many reasons
   the stress
   the weariness
   her own failure
The children find her
“'Oh, I’m just taking a break. Lunch is almost ready.'
But I’m not taking a break.
I’m breaking."

She's breaking
Under the stress of life
And little children
Understandable

And me
"I'm breaking"
For all the same reasons
   the stress
   the weariness
   my own failure
But no children here to help make sense of it
To make sense of the weight of it

Pity the people who must live with
Work with
The single woman
Who messes it all up...

quitting

What do I do when I realize I hate my job.

Hate? 
Really hate?
Yes, as it is now
The parts that are most demanding and in my face right now
For a while--did better at them
For a while, there were systems
and ways of working together
And I was here more. 
Feeling the pressured of it all

There are too many days
To many times
When all I'm doing is struggling to find hope

Oh, I've been here before, I realize that
I've had other times, where I've come to where I am now
A realization that I need to make some choices
I wish...there were some to talk to about it.
I don't know where to go, who to ask
Those who I've tried....
Doesn't work
We don't get to the crux
I...don't know what to do.

I say I'm a person who doesn't quit
I wonder, sometimes, how long I can go on before I do
How long I can go on feeling like this
Eventually, I won't give a rip
Even seeing no alternative
Anything else is better. 

So...quite what now?
The thought occurs, to quit the counselling program
The idea of just staying home for a month, working on the piles
Being here, while there is no one in the office to ask me to do anything
Is simply wonderful.
Just think of how much I might get done
--on the house
--on the piles I'm behind in

As I sit here...pondering what to quit
(for I must quit something, or I will go insane)
wondering if I should try again to go to bed, 
or have some coffee to add to the mental place
--enter fully into this thought process (it's nearly 2 a.m.)
and somehow cry out for help (yes, faith has changed too, 
hardly know how to ask anymore)
Ideas come
Voices start to speak...through the browsing
Facebook articles...
Maybe it is You God, reaching through...
Let me get that coffee...

The article I found...
Fits with other thoughts I've had recently
The night before heading off to 3 days of retreat at the beginning of the month
I wrote the words "Invitation" in big letters
First page of the journal I bought for that time
Prompted from the beginning of The Shack movie
Jan Johnson ends the article with:
"Please take time to ask God: 
    What are you inviting me into? 
    What is my next step?"
I guess that's my next step...
Asking God these questions
Hoping light will come
Hoping, someday, I'm living in a different space

(Discovered in 'drafts' on May 30, 2018; Now that I have decided to "quit," it feel more okay to write the intense and scary thoughts of that day.)

I'm...Just me

It hit again
That sudden feeling of dismay
(or maybe it was envy?)
I see a good work an organization is doing
And, their organization, and ability to tap into resources
They have so much to offer
They do so many things so well

But me
I'm mostly just full of dreams
And plugging away at little things
That don't really seem to amount to much

Sometimes I wish
That somewhere
Out of the blue
Would drop in
Some people
With amazing abilities
And initiative 
To organize
Plan
Help us make what we have
Available to more people

But...I'm just me
We're just us
Limited
But with dreams
And a bit of stamina
Here we are
Staying in the process
Being formed
Growing
Learning
Hoping, somehow
It will all make a difference

I think it is
I think it has
Sometimes
For some people
I hope it goes deep
Stays
Spreads
I guess it's enough
It'll have to be

Do not despise the day of small things
Who are you to ask or expect to be someone else, or receive a different path? Just walk this one well. Keep learning to walk this one well...

Places of Safety

Why are they so hard
to find
to maintain

There I have been 
times
seasons
when there were several
Places of safety
Places of acceptance
Places of love
Where I was and felt loved
For who I was
and in that place
In those seasons
there was freedom to flesh out
the worst of me
and somehow
also be and become
the best of me
there was a "flourishing" to life

But those times and places 
are so fleeting
There might be one
and then one day I realize
it is gone
It might happen through a specific problem
But more often
it just happens
The relationship fades
Or maybe just the active cultivating has faded
and at some point 
I realize

How quickly life
and the "atmosphere"
can change
from safety 
to
lack

And then
so many things eem to happen, 
none of them fully true
or fully an expression of the reality
but pieces of
   being lost, directionless
   pulling inside myself
   building walls, hiding behind them
   running, in all the ways I run
And while I watch it happening
not liking it while it does
often a lesser me
lives in this world.

(Another...in drafts, rediscovered May 30, 2018, and posted then. Maybe the distance of time makes it more 'safe' to post.)

I'm Back

I'm back
It's me again
Showing up again
Starting to face my life again

Oh, what a mess
So much, neglected for so long
It's hard to know where to start
Hard to figure out how to plan
But plan I must

I don't need a perfect plan
It will need to be adjusted
Time and again
But each time adjustments will be made
To address that season


I need a framework, to understand life, my life
Is the CWF one that will work?

Starting to feel again...

Maybe I am
finally 
starting to feel again
I've been
I've felt
     disconnected
for so long

Disconnected
   from me
   from feeling much of anything
rather numb, I guess
and I've wondered why

I still don't know why
not completely
I suspect it's related to this rather long season
a big transition 
with many 
    aspects
    choices
    tensions
Perhaps in the process
living with a constant undercurrent
of tension
     so many decisions
     so many unknowns
Maybe
sometimes
I don't let myself feel
lest the feelings overwhelm
and drown me

Now
maybe I'm moving again
into a place where I can breathe, again
I can figure out what it means to be me, again
get excited about going forward, again
maybe...

But for now
I'm thankful
I can sense
I'm starting to feel again

Feel
    the pain of situations happening far away
    the loneliness of missing family
Even
    some of that overwhelm again

No, the overwhelm, is not fun
there is so much ahead
    so much to face
    so much to learn how to do
    so many to whom I am responsible
    so many directions in which my head goes

But with the overwhelm
at least there is something to figure out
    and face
At least I'm not just in denial
    shut down

Perhaps, in the feeling again
I can even
once again 
start to feel 
connected to God, again
    and I think...that's what I've missed most


Words Fail

Written Mar. 30, 2017

So many times lately...I just don't have words. 
Well, not that I don't have words, but...I start to have some
And then the other side of the thing pops up
Other aspects
Other nuances
Or...the opposite extreme is also true
And the story becomes so big and complicated
I no longer know where to begin
Or if I should

Maybe I just need to sit in the reality longer
Not needing to write
Not needing to tell
Not needing to express

Well...I find
I just don't want to...write, tell, express

So much is going on
so much in so many directions
I don't even know what it really is
What the essence is
Must
    just
       experience

and ... let   go
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