Strength comes
Like you promised
Enough for each day
Enough for tomorrow
I even feel a little left over towards tomorrow
But ...
It may be gone by morning
When I'll need to come again
Learn to trust again
Showing posts with label Trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trust. Show all posts
Waiting...
It hurts so much
I couldn't have imagined this pain
Do I regret having come here?
Almost
Do I want to stay open for more pain?
Like this?
Not really
But...
I don't know the end of the story
And, are there are some endings for which I would say,
"Yes, the pain is worth it"?
Probably
In the end
Can it be not about "pain"
or "endings"
But about how You led?
If I could hear You
If I know You are in this
If I know that I'm responding to Your direction
Then I can (maybe, hopefully!) trust
That it is part of Your forming
Your shaping
Even...
Your blessing
I'm not hearing You much or very well these days
I'm not sensing, or feeling much Your presence
It's nicer
It's easier
When I do
But I've learned my feelings are not the truth
Whether or not I feel
I can choose to trust
I choose to remember Your promises
You are here
You are guiding
You've promised to not let my foot slip
Could it be You are guiding even now,
Even when it feels like I'm slipping all over the place?
It could be
And so I wait...
I couldn't have imagined this pain
Do I regret having come here?
Almost
Do I want to stay open for more pain?
Like this?
Not really
But...
I don't know the end of the story
And, are there are some endings for which I would say,
"Yes, the pain is worth it"?
Probably
In the end
Can it be not about "pain"
or "endings"
But about how You led?
If I could hear You
If I know You are in this
If I know that I'm responding to Your direction
Then I can (maybe, hopefully!) trust
That it is part of Your forming
Your shaping
Even...
Your blessing
I'm not hearing You much or very well these days
I'm not sensing, or feeling much Your presence
It's nicer
It's easier
When I do
But I've learned my feelings are not the truth
Whether or not I feel
I can choose to trust
I choose to remember Your promises
You are here
You are guiding
You've promised to not let my foot slip
Could it be You are guiding even now,
Even when it feels like I'm slipping all over the place?
It could be
And so I wait...
Learning to Believe God is Good
It's so hard to figure out why I don't believe it
And in a sense, it's not even true, that I don't believe
Because I do believe He is good
I've believed it for years
I've based my life on it
Many life choices...
If He's not good, and faithful to provide,
Then I'd never have done what I did,
Gone where I've gone, starting things I've started
And I certainly wouldn't have stayed around
To see His provision make it possible
And yet I don't believe
Sorry, I'm ashamed to say it
And it's no reflection on Him
And I don't know why
I...live with this tension
This fear
This holding back
Sometimes, I see things that need to go ahead
And all that is before me
And in my heart
I have the brakes on
I'm trying to slow it down
Keep it under control
Make it go slow enough that I can keep up
Understand
I need to learn to trust You
To trust that You're good
I've learned much
There is much less anxiety
And yet I want to trust You more
I want to wake up in the morning
Excited about the day
I want a belief and knowledge
That You are at work in and around it all
To pervade everything
I want to greet the surprises with anticipation
Not fear
Knowing
It must be good
It will be interesting
It will work out
There will be joy
And strength enough
And provision for everything
In fact
It's all going to be more amazing
Than I could ever hope or imagine!
And in a sense, it's not even true, that I don't believe
Because I do believe He is good
I've believed it for years
I've based my life on it
Many life choices...
If He's not good, and faithful to provide,
Then I'd never have done what I did,
Gone where I've gone, starting things I've started
And I certainly wouldn't have stayed around
To see His provision make it possible
And yet I don't believe
Sorry, I'm ashamed to say it
And it's no reflection on Him
And I don't know why
I...live with this tension
This fear
This holding back
Sometimes, I see things that need to go ahead
And all that is before me
And in my heart
I have the brakes on
I'm trying to slow it down
Keep it under control
Make it go slow enough that I can keep up
Understand
I need to learn to trust You
To trust that You're good
I've learned much
There is much less anxiety
And yet I want to trust You more
I want to wake up in the morning
Excited about the day
I want a belief and knowledge
That You are at work in and around it all
To pervade everything
I want to greet the surprises with anticipation
Not fear
Knowing
It must be good
It will be interesting
It will work out
There will be joy
And strength enough
And provision for everything
In fact
It's all going to be more amazing
Than I could ever hope or imagine!
Breaking Through
This song is on my "morning routine" play list--the one where I remind myself...
It's true. He is. There are so many things He's looking to do. As we lean into what He is leading us to do, He provides.
And He is doing it here, now, in this place, in my life, all around me. Step by step, plan by plan, He leads, He provides...because He wants to bless. He wants to pour out His love. He wants to redeem and restore. There is so much goodness He wants to share, so much love. There is so much healing He longs to bestow. And so He's doing it...bit by bit, working to pull it together.
Lord, forgive me for all the times I'm so slow to see, slow to remember, slow to believe. Thank you for reminding me today!
She's Amazing
I have a new hero--and I'm always looking for heroes. She's 83, and I have the privilege of taking her in to the hospital for her mastectomy tomorrow. Just a few years ago her husband died**. What a blow that must have been. Tomorrow she's going to bring me a copy of her story--the challenges faced in earlier years in Germany--so I can read it at the hospital while I wait. I suspect I'll be even more amazed at her after the reading.
After the tests today, and facing surgery tomorrow, she's thankful. I asked if she's nervous or fearful about the surgery. On Sunday she had said she was a little nervous, so I don't think she's afraid to admit the truth. Today, she's not too bad, after the tests, and knowing the schedule for tomorrow. "Oh, I appreciate the Lord," she said. "The older I get I trust Him more and more." She's thankful they found the cancer so early, and that they are doing the surgery so soon.
She was telling me how she swims and walks. "I had polio you know," so on the right side of her body the muscles are weakened. It's why her body is twisting and leaning, but the walking helps. She walks inside when it's cold, because she doesn't need to break a leg outside, but she must walk. And after the surgery, she's going to walk. She's told herself she is going to make herself walk, she's not going to give up.
If the Lord lets me live to to be 83, I hope I am as positive, cheerful, laughing, smiling and trusting the Lord as she is--even after all she's been through (much I don't even know), and in the face of difficulty now. What a woman!! And...
Thank You Lord, for the people ahead of us on the journey, giving us a vision of how to follow You, how to trust You, how to faithfully follow, and how You are faithful, even to our old age and grey hairs. As You have faithfully been with her, sustaining, granting peace and joy, so You will be with me.
**Correction: Earlier I had said he died "tragically and suddenly, physician's error in or after surgery, I believe," but that is incorrect. He was quite ill for about 6 months, and there was one small "physician incident" error but it did not result in his death. Of course before those 6 months of severe illness his diabetes was already at a pretty advanced stage--he was going in for dialysis a couple of times a week, etc.
After the tests today, and facing surgery tomorrow, she's thankful. I asked if she's nervous or fearful about the surgery. On Sunday she had said she was a little nervous, so I don't think she's afraid to admit the truth. Today, she's not too bad, after the tests, and knowing the schedule for tomorrow. "Oh, I appreciate the Lord," she said. "The older I get I trust Him more and more." She's thankful they found the cancer so early, and that they are doing the surgery so soon.
She was telling me how she swims and walks. "I had polio you know," so on the right side of her body the muscles are weakened. It's why her body is twisting and leaning, but the walking helps. She walks inside when it's cold, because she doesn't need to break a leg outside, but she must walk. And after the surgery, she's going to walk. She's told herself she is going to make herself walk, she's not going to give up.
If the Lord lets me live to to be 83, I hope I am as positive, cheerful, laughing, smiling and trusting the Lord as she is--even after all she's been through (much I don't even know), and in the face of difficulty now. What a woman!! And...
Thank You Lord, for the people ahead of us on the journey, giving us a vision of how to follow You, how to trust You, how to faithfully follow, and how You are faithful, even to our old age and grey hairs. As You have faithfully been with her, sustaining, granting peace and joy, so You will be with me.
**Correction: Earlier I had said he died "tragically and suddenly, physician's error in or after surgery, I believe," but that is incorrect. He was quite ill for about 6 months, and there was one small "physician incident" error but it did not result in his death. Of course before those 6 months of severe illness his diabetes was already at a pretty advanced stage--he was going in for dialysis a couple of times a week, etc.
Why Do I fear?
Why do I fear?
Seriously
He will not ask of me more than what I am capable
He will provide the resources to MAKE me capable
Always
Every time
He doesn't expect performance to the level of ...
Someone else who is
Smarter or
Could do it better
He just asks me to be me
Do what I am able
With the strength I have
And the strength He gives
It's such a simple idea
Something I'm trying to get across to the kids
All the time
As they struggle with their grades not being good enough
And yet I too can be torn, frightened
By potential failure
Not reaching a certain mark
(not even sure what that "mark" is)
An uncertain future
written Dec. 3, 2013
Seriously
He will not ask of me more than what I am capable
He will provide the resources to MAKE me capable
Always
Every time
He doesn't expect performance to the level of ...
Someone else who is
Smarter or
Could do it better
He just asks me to be me
Do what I am able
With the strength I have
And the strength He gives
It's such a simple idea
Something I'm trying to get across to the kids
All the time
As they struggle with their grades not being good enough
And yet I too can be torn, frightened
By potential failure
Not reaching a certain mark
(not even sure what that "mark" is)
An uncertain future
written Dec. 3, 2013
Now, Get off Your Butt!! (part 2)
This is another thing You want to work on in my life--this laziness of mine. Oh, I know, some who know me would wonder at that--don't I work hard? Don't I work too many hours and push too hard sometimes? Yes, I do that too. They might say, "Are you sometimes too hard on yourself?" Yes, that's a problem sometimes.
But there is another problem I have, one that You and I know, some others do too. It's related to the "busyness" that is really "laziness at the center." And it's about a lack of faithfulness and diligence and discipline in my life. There is work You give me to do, that is related to my gifting, is almost all pleasure, and generally easy to jump to--maybe positive and immediate feedback also helps. But there is also the work that is necessary, hard, requires simple diligence and faithfulness. Too often I leave that work, delay it. I stick with what I feel like doing, not what I should do. That last minute rush I've lived all my life--papers and exams ready at the last minute, preparation at the last minute. When the imminent deadline is upon me I suddenly feel like doing it, and then pour myself into the task.
You want me to learn diligence and faithfulness. Gently you guide, prod, remind.
This week's daily opening invocation (in "the blue book"*) is:
Today's reading from Zephaniah 3:14-20 didn't "say" anything to me this morning, until I first noticed something previously underlined on the next page--Hag. 2:4-5 (NLT, emphasis mine):
So...I turn to my work today, late, not as faithful as I could be, but this week, I have learned some, done better sometimes. Today there is some tedious work--editing Christmas messages to students, revising the agenda for our big evaluation meetings next week (I'll try not to struggle or complain about the '2-language-brain' issues I seem to have.) and then doing some of my own evaluation thinking work.
May this start to work its way into my life...
Thank You. You are faithful. You will keep working on me!
*"the blue book" is my guide for the next year at least, starting Advent (December 1) 2013--its real name is A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants." It came highly recommended, and I'm expecting good things!
But there is another problem I have, one that You and I know, some others do too. It's related to the "busyness" that is really "laziness at the center." And it's about a lack of faithfulness and diligence and discipline in my life. There is work You give me to do, that is related to my gifting, is almost all pleasure, and generally easy to jump to--maybe positive and immediate feedback also helps. But there is also the work that is necessary, hard, requires simple diligence and faithfulness. Too often I leave that work, delay it. I stick with what I feel like doing, not what I should do. That last minute rush I've lived all my life--papers and exams ready at the last minute, preparation at the last minute. When the imminent deadline is upon me I suddenly feel like doing it, and then pour myself into the task.
You want me to learn diligence and faithfulness. Gently you guide, prod, remind.
This week's daily opening invocation (in "the blue book"*) is:
Almighty God, who came to us long ago in the birth of Jesus Christ, be born in us anew today by the power of your Holy Spirit. We offer our lives as home to you and ask for grace and strength to live as your faithful, joyful children always. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.And the closing benediction each day is:
You have been reminded that Jesus Christ is your Lord and that you are God's servant. You are loved; you are forgiven; you are empowered; and now you are sent to live as God's faithful one. AmenEach day I have prayed that I would live faithfully. Each day I have entered the day reminded of what I have been given and having received the charge to "live as God's faithful one."
Today's reading from Zephaniah 3:14-20 didn't "say" anything to me this morning, until I first noticed something previously underlined on the next page--Hag. 2:4-5 (NLT, emphasis mine):
But now the LORD says: 'Be strong, Zerubbabel. Be strong, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people still left in the land. And now get to work, for I am with you, says the LORD of Heaven's Armies. My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid.'Oh this passage has so much of the same things You have been saying to me in other places--"be strong," "don't be afraid," because "I am with you"--but then also adds the "get to work." After reading this, I read the Zephaniah passage again, ah, there in v. 16 is a "Fear not" (again), followed shortly with a "let not your hands grow weak" (keep working, be faithful, GET TO WORK), and before and after that verse God says, in effect, I am with you. "The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst" (v. 15), and "The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save" (v. 17).
So...I turn to my work today, late, not as faithful as I could be, but this week, I have learned some, done better sometimes. Today there is some tedious work--editing Christmas messages to students, revising the agenda for our big evaluation meetings next week (I'll try not to struggle or complain about the '2-language-brain' issues I seem to have.) and then doing some of my own evaluation thinking work.
May this start to work its way into my life...
Thank You. You are faithful. You will keep working on me!
*"the blue book" is my guide for the next year at least, starting Advent (December 1) 2013--its real name is A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants." It came highly recommended, and I'm expecting good things!
Now, Get off Your Butt!! (part 1)
I'd rather dream and ponder than ACT
Journaling, deep thoughts, intensity
Much more fun that filing
Pretty arrogant, aren't I?
Somehow think I'm above "boring work"
Somehow think I'm exempt from the dirty stuff,
The mess clean-up
Or...I just like to clean up a different kind of mess
Not my own
Not ... papers
Not ... finance reports
Not ... taxes
Get off your butt, girl!
Lead yourself, would you!
Life is about more than just what you WANT to do
Responsibility is doing what you ought to do when you ought to
Get on with it!
Nov. 28, 2013
Journaling, deep thoughts, intensity
Much more fun that filing
Pretty arrogant, aren't I?
Somehow think I'm above "boring work"
Somehow think I'm exempt from the dirty stuff,
The mess clean-up
Or...I just like to clean up a different kind of mess
Not my own
Not ... papers
Not ... finance reports
Not ... taxes
Get off your butt, girl!
Lead yourself, would you!
Life is about more than just what you WANT to do
Responsibility is doing what you ought to do when you ought to
Get on with it!
Nov. 28, 2013
Raw
That's how I am today
Emotionally raw
So much has happened
So much has hit
And I'm bracing for some more "hits" today
Some has been incredibly encouraging
A sense of great things in the air
Some has been incredibly frightening
A sense of impending doom and disaster
I haven't yet learned to trust
I turn to You again
Still
I remember Your love
Your goodness
For this day
Again
What Strength?
"Go in the strength you have"?
You have got to be kidding me
My "strength"
Is truly limited!
And it will be like fighting one man--really?
Is that for me too?
The "reduction"
That is certainly happening
Oh please,
I've mocked
And disagreed
With how he had to put out a fleece
But I understand now
The desperation
Please
Send a sign
Of Your deliverance coming
Of help on the way somehow
This
Is just too
Impossible
Help Lord!
You have got to be kidding me
My "strength"
Is truly limited!
And it will be like fighting one man--really?
Is that for me too?
The "reduction"
That is certainly happening
Oh please,
I've mocked
And disagreed
With how he had to put out a fleece
But I understand now
The desperation
Please
Send a sign
Of Your deliverance coming
Of help on the way somehow
This
Is just too
Impossible
Help Lord!
Can You Not Trust Me?
I can still the storm
I created you
I have led you this far
Time and again, I have provided
I have promised to always be with you
To never leave you nor forsake you
I have promised this to you
Again and again
And I have proven it to you
Again and again
Today, these days
I am speaking to you
Yes, it is Me
I am speaking
You have learned to hear My voice
You are My sheep, My child
You know My voice
And follow
There are many things before you
Many options
You're overwhelmed
Confused
Scared
You doubt you've heard
You doubt your ability
You don't want to be a fool
But neither do you want to miss this
You don't want to miss the possibility
The potential
You offered your life to me
To use for My glory
I'm taking it
I'm going to use it
I will do mighty things
That you may or may not see
But
Can you not trust me?
Put away your fear
Live in my love
Live in my joy
Live free
Can you not trust me...
For the deepest longings of your heart
To be with you and guide you every step of the way
To watch over and protect you
To provide all you need
the people you need
the strength you need
the insight you need
all the resources you need
the way through
That I am leading you and using you
even when you can't see it
Beyond all your fears
Beyond your weaknesses
Beyond the ways you have failed in the past
Beyond any way you could fail in the future
Trust me with your life
Trust me with your days
Trust me each moment
I am your God
I am your Father
I will be faithful to you
I will always be faithful to you
I will never leave you
I will never abandon you
I love you and will watch over you
I will guide you with My righteous right hand
I will hold you and protect you
You are mine
Trust me
Put away your fear
Live in my love
Live in my joy
Live free
"The Lord is with you, mighty woman of valour....Go with the strength you have...I am sending you....I will be with you."
"You are such a soldier, and the Father is really with you."
Do not be afraid
I created you
I have led you this far
Time and again, I have provided
I have promised to always be with you
To never leave you nor forsake you
I have promised this to you
Again and again
And I have proven it to you
Again and again
Today, these days
I am speaking to you
Yes, it is Me
I am speaking
You have learned to hear My voice
You are My sheep, My child
You know My voice
And follow
There are many things before you
Many options
You're overwhelmed
Confused
Scared
You doubt you've heard
You doubt your ability
You don't want to be a fool
But neither do you want to miss this
You don't want to miss the possibility
The potential
You offered your life to me
To use for My glory
I'm taking it
I'm going to use it
I will do mighty things
That you may or may not see
But
Can you not trust me?
Put away your fear
Live in my love
Live in my joy
Live free
Can you not trust me...
For the deepest longings of your heart
To be with you and guide you every step of the way
To watch over and protect you
To provide all you need
the people you need
the strength you need
the insight you need
all the resources you need
the way through
That I am leading you and using you
even when you can't see it
Beyond all your fears
Beyond your weaknesses
Beyond the ways you have failed in the past
Beyond any way you could fail in the future
Trust me with your life
Trust me with your days
Trust me each moment
I am your God
I am your Father
I will be faithful to you
I will always be faithful to you
I will never leave you
I will never abandon you
I love you and will watch over you
I will guide you with My righteous right hand
I will hold you and protect you
You are mine
Trust me
Put away your fear
Live in my love
Live in my joy
Live free
"The Lord is with you, mighty woman of valour....Go with the strength you have...I am sending you....I will be with you."
"You are such a soldier, and the Father is really with you."
Do not be afraid
I want to know...
I want to know, Lord
Am I getting it right?
As I look back
My life
My service
So haphazard
It wasn't meant to be haphazard
And I'm all for taking
The random opportunities You present
Knowing You are orchestrating
Something bigger
Beyond what I can see
And yet when so much
Almost all
Of the meaningful stuff
The parts that really matter
Come off as "haphazard"
Disjointed
One moment there
One event here
One conversation
One meeting
They weren't intended to be so limited
They were intended to continue
To build
To have follow-up
But so many times
That didn't happen
Is this part of the plan
The picture You are weaving
My one stitch
This colour
Added only now and then
Only one little part
Of the big picture
You are weaving
I'm okay with that
If somehow I knew that is what You intended for me to do
I thought You intended more
I thought the "follow-up" part was part of the plan too
But, time and again
Frustrated
Should I stop planning
Should I stop hoping
Stop trying to build "ongoing"
In those parts so lacking
As I look back
That seems to be how it is
And maybe I should be content with that
Mostly I have been
Yet I wonder, if I've been too content
Too ready
To just "go with the flow"
And see so little
"progress"
Thirteen years ago, apparently--one conversation that I don't remember with man who died in the following year or two. His wife tells me now...I don't know the point of that. This year Easter, one gathering, then nothing more. This summer, one session, then it ended. Random one-off conversations is all... It's not that I haven't tried to do more, to faithfully follow through.
I must trust that You are doing something with this life, that You are working things out, that You have Your ways and plans. I'd like to know, like to believe, that the randomness is somehow intentional. Maybe someday...could You show me...the back of the picture, connected with the front, how those random stitches were made part of a glorious whole? I'd like to believe that is what is happening. It would be nice to know that this was intentional on Your part, not just my failure--to overcome distractedness, plan well, order this life You have given. Can I believe that You really are, still are, leading me along the best pathways for my life, even in the daily, the random, the haphazard?
Am I getting it right?
As I look back
My life
My service
So haphazard
It wasn't meant to be haphazard
And I'm all for taking
The random opportunities You present
Knowing You are orchestrating
Something bigger
Beyond what I can see
And yet when so much
Almost all
Of the meaningful stuff
The parts that really matter
Come off as "haphazard"
Disjointed
One moment there
One event here
One conversation
One meeting
They weren't intended to be so limited
They were intended to continue
To build
To have follow-up
But so many times
That didn't happen
Is this part of the plan
The picture You are weaving
My one stitch
This colour
Added only now and then
Only one little part
Of the big picture
You are weaving
I'm okay with that
If somehow I knew that is what You intended for me to do
I thought You intended more
I thought the "follow-up" part was part of the plan too
But, time and again
Frustrated
Should I stop planning
Should I stop hoping
Stop trying to build "ongoing"
In those parts so lacking
As I look back
That seems to be how it is
And maybe I should be content with that
Mostly I have been
Yet I wonder, if I've been too content
Too ready
To just "go with the flow"
And see so little
"progress"
Thirteen years ago, apparently--one conversation that I don't remember with man who died in the following year or two. His wife tells me now...I don't know the point of that. This year Easter, one gathering, then nothing more. This summer, one session, then it ended. Random one-off conversations is all... It's not that I haven't tried to do more, to faithfully follow through.
I must trust that You are doing something with this life, that You are working things out, that You have Your ways and plans. I'd like to know, like to believe, that the randomness is somehow intentional. Maybe someday...could You show me...the back of the picture, connected with the front, how those random stitches were made part of a glorious whole? I'd like to believe that is what is happening. It would be nice to know that this was intentional on Your part, not just my failure--to overcome distractedness, plan well, order this life You have given. Can I believe that You really are, still are, leading me along the best pathways for my life, even in the daily, the random, the haphazard?
Like a child
Like a child I come
Receiving the Kingdom of God
Like a child
Joyful
Expectant
Daily
Trusting
Your goodness
Your faithfulness
Looking to You
Eager to please
Thankful
Not needing
Long term plans
Full explanations
Like a child
I give my heart
Receive Your love
Live at peace
Lk. 18:15-17
This chair
today
once again
I'm asked to sit
this chair
this uncomfortable place
not knowing
uncertain
wondering
wishing I could know
how it will end
what will happen
I squirm
wiggle
jump off
lurch
left
right
stop!
grab on
both hands
rigid sit
deep breath
relax
Father
I'm still learning to trust
still learning to sit
calm
in this place
of unknowing
I choose
once again
to trust
Your promises
Your presence
Perhaps someday
this hard chair
this uncomfortable place
will be
the place of
peace
joy
freedom
like I've never known
Simple 'chair' picture, from December 2012, depicting...the place I need to stay--an end to the running, the place of trust, eventual peace.
once again
I'm asked to sit
this chair
this uncomfortable place
not knowing
uncertain
wondering
wishing I could know
how it will end
what will happen
I squirm
wiggle
jump off
lurch
left
right
stop!
grab on
both hands
rigid sit
deep breath
relax
Father
I'm still learning to trust
still learning to sit
calm
in this place
of unknowing
I choose
once again
to trust
Your promises
Your presence
Perhaps someday
this hard chair
this uncomfortable place
will be
the place of
peace
joy
freedom
like I've never known
The LORD says,
"I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you."
Ps. 32:8 NLT
Simple 'chair' picture, from December 2012, depicting...the place I need to stay--an end to the running, the place of trust, eventual peace.
Learning to Trust
I've followed You
I've believed in You
And I've trusted You
With my life
With my choices
Almost all of my life
And yet
I am only learning to trust You now
I've believed in You
And I've trusted You
With my life
With my choices
Almost all of my life
And yet
I am only learning to trust You now
What a Wrestle...
What a wrestle it's been this week Lord
Thank You for more of a sense of peace...finally
What a wrestle to trust
to believe
to actually, really rely
To believe that You are watching over me
That all will be okay
To rely on Your unfailing love
And have it actually affect my emotions
And the way I work
I so crave
clarity
direction
reliable outcomes
And when they are nowhere in sight
I go CRAZY
Can I really believe that you are watching over
to rescue
to deliver
in love
Can I learn to work like you do
in faithfulness
(reflections from life, and hanging out in Psalm 33 for 2 weeks)
Thank You for more of a sense of peace...finally
What a wrestle to trust
to believe
to actually, really rely
To believe that You are watching over me
That all will be okay
To rely on Your unfailing love
And have it actually affect my emotions
And the way I work
I so crave
clarity
direction
reliable outcomes
And when they are nowhere in sight
I go CRAZY
Can I really believe that you are watching over
to rescue
to deliver
in love
Can I learn to work like you do
in faithfulness
(reflections from life, and hanging out in Psalm 33 for 2 weeks)
Lean Forward
Embrace the new, the future, the unknown.
It's amazing how many times this theme has jumped out at me today...almost every blog I read, usually in the light of things not happening as planned.And it was in my thoughts...as I walked to our new location, the moving flatbeds soon coming behind me.
And I wonder...God, what are You doing?
You know me well...I don't much like transitions. I'd rather stay in the same place forever, but we moved today. I'd rather keep working with the same people and going longer and deeper, but in several arenas, that is changing too. I'd rather...that a lot of things didn't have to change, but they do, and I can drag my heals and resist and regret or lean forward and embrace the new.
God...I'm scared frankly.
It's hard to embrace the future and lean into the unknown, when so many wounds are still so fresh and bleeding. I'm not sure what's gone wrong, what I could or should have done different, or...
I'm quite sure some of what I'm feeling is just an immature response, akin to pouting in the corner having a tantrum because it didn't go my way. Some of the problems are partly my own making...so "suck it up princess".
Some of what I'm feeling, is also grief, at and over things that are not, things lost, regrets, "what if's". Cannot stay here forever, but going forward may take time.
In the end, circumstances are what they are. And you are still God. You are still on the throne. You still care for me, and You call me to worship.
And...there is some growth You want to see happen in my life...Oh, am I ever starting to see it--the smallness of my heart, the pettiness of my emotions and desires. Oh God, change me to be like You.
Father, I'm coming to You, I keep falling down, but I'm crawling toward You. I will keep seeking. I will keep asking. I will keep listening. I will not harden my heart. I will worship. I will believe and trust in Your care. I will learn to live for Your purposes above my own.
It's amazing how many times this theme has jumped out at me today...almost every blog I read, usually in the light of things not happening as planned.And it was in my thoughts...as I walked to our new location, the moving flatbeds soon coming behind me.
And I wonder...God, what are You doing?
You know me well...I don't much like transitions. I'd rather stay in the same place forever, but we moved today. I'd rather keep working with the same people and going longer and deeper, but in several arenas, that is changing too. I'd rather...that a lot of things didn't have to change, but they do, and I can drag my heals and resist and regret or lean forward and embrace the new.
God...I'm scared frankly.
It's hard to embrace the future and lean into the unknown, when so many wounds are still so fresh and bleeding. I'm not sure what's gone wrong, what I could or should have done different, or...
I'm quite sure some of what I'm feeling is just an immature response, akin to pouting in the corner having a tantrum because it didn't go my way. Some of the problems are partly my own making...so "suck it up princess".
Some of what I'm feeling, is also grief, at and over things that are not, things lost, regrets, "what if's". Cannot stay here forever, but going forward may take time.
In the end, circumstances are what they are. And you are still God. You are still on the throne. You still care for me, and You call me to worship.
And...there is some growth You want to see happen in my life...Oh, am I ever starting to see it--the smallness of my heart, the pettiness of my emotions and desires. Oh God, change me to be like You.
Father, I'm coming to You, I keep falling down, but I'm crawling toward You. I will keep seeking. I will keep asking. I will keep listening. I will not harden my heart. I will worship. I will believe and trust in Your care. I will learn to live for Your purposes above my own.
Come, let us worship and bow down.
Let us kneel before the Lord our maker,
for he is our God.
We are the people he watches over,
the flock under his care.
If only you would listen to his voice today!
The Lord says, “Don’t harden your hearts as Israel did at Meribah...
They are a people whose hearts turn away from me.
They refuse to do what I tell them."
Ps. 95:6-10, NLT
Let the Ark of God Fall...
This time the lessons I need to learn about laying down my anxiety come from God Himself.
At the beginning of the year, when reading the beginning of Genesis, I noticed and had the thought--He was there, He saw it, yet did nothing, said nothing. As Eve was reaching out for that fruit, there was no "uh uh" from on high. No "Hey wait, what do you think you're doing? Don't you remember?" Nope. The fall of the human race was about to occur, and He just left them to their decision.
And Jesus...He had just died and rose again, and the disciples were just starting to finally get it, when He left. He just left, just like that. He left the future of church history completely in their hands. Oh, He empowered and equipped them and all, but it really was left to them.
He doesn't seem to get nearly as anxious as I do about people messing things up, getting it wrong, not following through on instructions. Even with them choosing horrible sin that He gets to watch, He holds back.
How does He pull it off? I'm not quite sure, but I'm asking Him to show me how to do the same. How do I become a person that is not anxious about these things, that does not fear the consequences? How do I lay down my anxiety about these things?
In one sermon I've listened too over and over again, there is one line that jumped out at me: "Let the ark of God fall, I'm not going to touch it." He says prayer is one of the key ways we can live without anxiety--at least two hours a day for him, and that means praying through all plans, everying on the calendar from here through the year. When you have prayed through things so thoroughly, and something happens...even the ark of God can fall, and you don't need to touch it. You know it is in God's hands.
Must learn to rest, even with the potential of arks falling.
At the beginning of the year, when reading the beginning of Genesis, I noticed and had the thought--He was there, He saw it, yet did nothing, said nothing. As Eve was reaching out for that fruit, there was no "uh uh" from on high. No "Hey wait, what do you think you're doing? Don't you remember?" Nope. The fall of the human race was about to occur, and He just left them to their decision.
And Jesus...He had just died and rose again, and the disciples were just starting to finally get it, when He left. He just left, just like that. He left the future of church history completely in their hands. Oh, He empowered and equipped them and all, but it really was left to them.
He doesn't seem to get nearly as anxious as I do about people messing things up, getting it wrong, not following through on instructions. Even with them choosing horrible sin that He gets to watch, He holds back.
How does He pull it off? I'm not quite sure, but I'm asking Him to show me how to do the same. How do I become a person that is not anxious about these things, that does not fear the consequences? How do I lay down my anxiety about these things?
In one sermon I've listened too over and over again, there is one line that jumped out at me: "Let the ark of God fall, I'm not going to touch it." He says prayer is one of the key ways we can live without anxiety--at least two hours a day for him, and that means praying through all plans, everying on the calendar from here through the year. When you have prayed through things so thoroughly, and something happens...even the ark of God can fall, and you don't need to touch it. You know it is in God's hands.
Must learn to rest, even with the potential of arks falling.
Ah...Missed Opportunities
Today, toward the end of the day, I discovered a couple of great things that were going on today in this city, but I didn't know about them earlier, so...
A speaker from Canada, led an all-day session here in Hong Kong today about mid-life, transition, discerning and spirituality. Last time I heard him speak was in 2006 in Hong Kong--a message I later downloaded, and listened to again and again. But alas...
And...I just found out, there is a Silent Retreat going on today--right here! Right at the very retreat centre at which I am staying!! Ah...that would have been so good--to be guided to the silence and presence I so desire. Well, there was only space for 10, and I have no idea if it was full in advance or not, but...
So, instead, I had my own struggle to get to stillness and silence. It took a long time to get there, and I'm left still wondering why, still trying to figure out what goes on in this heart and head of mine. Perhaps it is being out of place (my home!) and rhythm (travelling, moving between locations). Perhaps I still need to develop some habits that will take me there (working on it, believe me, I AM working on it, and I have hope they WILL help take me there).
A speaker from Canada, led an all-day session here in Hong Kong today about mid-life, transition, discerning and spirituality. Last time I heard him speak was in 2006 in Hong Kong--a message I later downloaded, and listened to again and again. But alas...
And...I just found out, there is a Silent Retreat going on today--right here! Right at the very retreat centre at which I am staying!! Ah...that would have been so good--to be guided to the silence and presence I so desire. Well, there was only space for 10, and I have no idea if it was full in advance or not, but...
So, instead, I had my own struggle to get to stillness and silence. It took a long time to get there, and I'm left still wondering why, still trying to figure out what goes on in this heart and head of mine. Perhaps it is being out of place (my home!) and rhythm (travelling, moving between locations). Perhaps I still need to develop some habits that will take me there (working on it, believe me, I AM working on it, and I have hope they WILL help take me there).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
