Questions

What would you do if you could do anything?

Yeah, so, if there were no limits, no constraints, how would I spend my life? What would I choose?

Heard this question on a Michael Hyatt podcast with Greg McKeown (author of Essentialism) today. It was a question that changed the direction of his life. I guess this one is meant to open up our thinking, to get past areas where we might have been living assuming we were locked in, thinking we had no choice. 

So, what would I do. He (Greg) made a list. Maybe I should do some brainstorming, and see where it takes me.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

I heard this one in a video by Sheryl Sandberg. She says it is a question Mark Zuckerberg asks them at Facebook--and it's posted on the walls there. I guess it's meant to encourage us to NOT let fear be the determining factor in our lives, to figure out where fear is hindering or holding us back. Yes, it IS pretty sad if choices get made, or things don't get done, only because of fear.

How many times does God say, "Do not fear," "Do not be afraid," "Be strong and courageous"? To the things He is leading in, for the things he wants us to do, and to do through us, fear cannot be the reason we don't do it, don't go forward. I guess this question then helps to clarify, and point out the areas where fear is a problem. I've done it before, identified my fears, brought them to God, heard His answers and known Him to reduce my fears or, find courage to do it anyway.

So, what would I do if I was not afraid? Figure out a way to do those things.

What would you attempt if you knew that you could not fail?

This one kind of bugs me, but it's related, so I'm posting it. It's on a sticky note on my wall. I just noticed it again recently. It's dated 2007.05.11--yep, that old--from something I saw at Sparkpeople.com. Why does it bug me? Because we CAN fail. Maybe what I attempt will fail. What is more important to learn, I think, is to not be afraid of failure--something that sank in for me a little more through several message heard in the World Leaders Webcast one year, but especially from Craig Groeschel's message on Pushing Through the Fear of Failure.

So, I almost wonder if this question should be rephrased to something like: What is a goal so worth pursuing, that even if you failed, and failed many times along the way, it would still be worth doing, worth risking?or Isn't what you're pursuing worth risking it, even if you fail? Because...you might succeed... or What is a goal so worth pursuing, that you should do it, even if the chance of success is only 5%? You should still do it, and even if you fail, maybe others will come along and do better, and even their success will be worth it.

Oh, I don't know, and I haven't thought enough about the answers to these questions, at least not in any precise and concise way recently, but they do seem to be questions worth pondering, and questions that might give clarity for what needs to be resolved in order to go forward.

to "get" Christmas

So, why did You do it? 
Why did You come?
I'm not getting it this year.
Nothing is sinking in.


Is this it?
There You were
Looking down at us
Wanting more for us
So You decided
To come
To show us
Your heart
Your love

To show us what God is like
To rescue us
To save us
Wanting to change the way You related with us
To come close
To expand Your reach
More effectively
Beyond just one people group

So that we would forever know
And get it

I'm starting to 'get it'
And yet I don't

I've been thinking (again) recently...
The older I get
The less I have answers that would seem 
   to make sense 
   to anyone else

But the older I get
The more deeply I am also convinced 
Of... 
   my need for You
   and the 'proof' within
The goodness You are, that draws me
And this, in itself
Must prove I have been somewhat changed
To recognize You for who You are


I choose faith again
(And I guess I'm on a bit of a Chris Tomlin roll today)


A New Theme

I wonder if his might be the theme, or part of it, for this next season--maybe even the next two years. By "this" I mean some ideas in this song. There are a lot of ideas...lots, yes, ALL of it could be the theme. I'm listening to the song, over and over again.  




Although I'm a little hesitant to do so, as it might be a huge over-simplification, I guess it could be summarized by the words "Abide in me." 

Abide in Me.

For years I have loved, and kept coming back to John 15, and the words, images, invitation and commands there. When I've heard the words in the past, I've usually heard them as Jesus' invitation to me--to abide in Him. But what He says is, "Abide in me, and I in you." (John 15:4, ESV). (Other versions use "remain," and I think of that word too.)  However this song turns it around, and invites Jesus to "abide in me, let my branches bear Your fruit."

One season has ended, a new one is beginning. Maybe it's not that significant, but then again, maybe it is. Just over three years ago a friend and I started Journey with Jesus: Discovering the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius, and that was the guidance for daily prayer time for about 13 months. It was life-changing. I want to go through it again sometime. Then, for two years we've used A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants. This one has also been wonderful. I'll probably come back to it too. 

In these past three years the daily readings and prayer times have taken me deeper with the Lord, often through shorter Scripture passages, and a different way of interacting with Him, hearing Him, and it has been beautiful!

And yet, after three years, I'm feeling like it's been a long time since I've read lots of parts of the Bible. I'm wanting to go back at it again, to read it again, to hear it again. I want to hear and see the themes again, from where I am now. I want to know what the Lord might say to me this time.

And so now it's a two year plan (still not very fast) of simply reading through the whole bible again, extending this plan (I DO like reading in various places!) to 104 weeks.

And I've been trying to find an expression for what I am looking for, or for what I feel the Lord is inviting me to now. There are several parts to it, but this song just might summarize a fair bit of it.

Nice!



Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I forget and I live as though You are not here, as if You had not spoken, as if what I do each day doesn't really matter. I'm sorry Lord, well...sorry a little, but not quite enough yet. I'm not sure it's really sunk in yet. But...thank You for this gentle reminder, this drawing, this invitation...

I took you from the ends of the earth,
    from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, "You are my servant;"
    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isa. 41:9-10

It was for Israel, but maybe it is for me too.
You have called me. You have chosen me. There are things You want me to do, for which You will strengthen me. But I forgot, I think. Or I forget in the midst of day to day living, and I end up living as if what I do doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

"Dismayed." Yeah, I guess that's how it is, that's how I live about some of this stuff.

So...what if I readjusted? What if I really look at this as Your promise to me? What if I look into Your eyes, and listen, as You speak this over me?

(pause...breath...read it again...and maybe again...)

As I do that...something shifts.
Thank You for this reminder.
Thank You for this invitation.
Thank You for Your promises...and Your presence.

Yearning...

Yearning today, these days
for something
I don't know what
something that is You
something that satisfies
something I've had and known in the past
   sometimes
something that is still in the future
   not yet revealed
   not yet given

Funny
I'm yearning for it
and yet the yearning
is in itself
somewhat satisfying
as though
   it's right
   it should be
   it's a good place to be


Encouragement from Jeremy Camp

Same Power--Jeremy Camp




He Knows--Jeremy Camp



Even me

I dare to believe
You look on
Notice
And consider
Even me

Yeah, I know
My perspective is probably off
I'm not seeing correctly
I'm frustrated and overwhelmed
By problems
Many of which
Are my own making

And yet I dare to believe
I can come to You
Talk to You about it
You won't just brush me off
You won't nod and pretend You're listening
Meanwhile doing an internal eye roll

Whatever needs to be said
Whatever I need to hear
You'll look on me with 
   love
   grace
   dignity
And
   instruct
   lead
   guide

I dare to believe I can still come
Whatever it is
Whatever the reason

Oh I know
Arrogant or haughty is not the way
That might receive a different welcome
But 
   messed up
   confused
   overwhelmed
   disappointed in self
   the contrite and broken
These can come
And You receive

Even me


Press on!

I need to remember this...the thoughts that came after seeing and re-posting this picture and quote.

My initial thoughts:
I need to remember this, KEEP remembering this. 

"Never limit your vision based on your current resources." -Michael Hyatt

THEN I thought...

Hey wait, no I don't. I don't do this anyways! I don't "limit [my] vision based on [my] current resources." I consistently pursue vision beyond my resources. My problem is that I later get discouraged when the getting there is long, when I can't figure out how to get to the realization of the vision. What's up with that?  

Hmm...Maybe how I need to rephrase this is.

"Remember, you didn't choose/set your vision based on resources currently available to you. You're going to need to keep trusting God, learning, pressing forward--for a long, long time! Don't be discouraged. Don't give up. When you fall flat on your face, take a breather if you need to, figure out what went wrong, get the help you need, learn how to do better, but then, get up and keep going. (And don't mope, and don't complain either!)." 

Ha! Mine is a little more wordy and a little less pithy than Michael Hyatt's, but...it's probably more what I need to hear. I like it! Thanks Michael Hyatt​ for helping me process this!

Press on, toward the vision
that is beyond your current resources.

I am not alone

I am NOT
     forgotten by You

nor thrown away
     by You

And...
     I am NOT alone



I Am Not Alone
Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

Not Forgotten

I am
not forgotten

Thank You Lord
for the reminder
Just as through me
You reached out to a sister
on the other side of the world
You, through another sister
again, on the other side of the world
reached out to me
simply reminding me
I am not forgotten

It must have been You
that reminded her of me
in this oh-so-difficult time
We haven't connected in ages
she would have no way to know
except for You
putting me
on her mind
"You've been on my mind so much lately"
(and a little 'praying' emoticon)
Thank You

I am
not forgotten

We are
not forgotten
none of us
ever

This is the truth
This is what You promise
I will never leave you nor forsake you
With you always, to the end of the world
but we sometimes forget
or don't feel remembered
Yet You reach out to remind
Thank You


Thank you M.E. for listening to Him, hearing about me, for praying and for letting me know. No, I'm not on the verge of despair or anything that bad, but it has been a tough journey lately. Thank you for reminding me of His care, for letting Him use you to remind me. You blessed me today (well, actually, starting last night) sister!

the walking wounded

It's an amazing thing
that we can be
wounded
and yet walking
wounded
and yet reaching out to help others

we're just a community of broken ones
falling ones
stumbling ones
crawling ones

with strength enough

even when you are crawling
you can reach back
and give a hand to someone
stumbled in their crawl right beside you
or pause, to stop together and encourage
to keep crawling


I was amazed, three days ago, to be in a rough place myself, yet sensing the Lord tell me that a friend was struggling--to reach out, and ask, encourage. It turns out, she was struggling, really struggling. The next day, I was moved by the pain and struggle of another, and led to some tangible and specific ways to help, that really did help in the end. And then this became good for me too, to know His leading me, even in the midst of  my own struggle... and even there, in the absence of sensing His presence, ah, starting to note His presence. Mysterious, the way He works, the way He draws, the way He reminds.


All are justified freely

"and all are justified freely by his grace 
through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."
--Rom. 3:24

Why is THIS verse not more commonly known and memorized?
Why is THIS verse not often repeated as a stand-alone statement?

Instead we, or at least I, for years and years have known that Rom 3:23 says,

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," 

All have sinned
All fall short
All, and that means you and me, have sinned.
It's part of "The Roman's Road," a simple, easy to memorize, and formulaic way of presenting the Gospel...through just a few verses in Romans.

So we know Romans 3:23, but we don't know it with 3:24 right after it.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 
and all are justified freely by his grace 
through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
--Rom. 3:23, 24

But it's even better when you start a little earlier, reading from v. 21...and this might not work now already, because I've drilled in a reminder of verse 23, but try, just try for a minute, to read it fresh, and note what is emphasized as the main thing, and what is more background, in this passage.
But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. --Rom 3:21-26 (NIV)
Whoa! Sure, Rom 3:23 is true, but if you read it in the context, the main point of the passage is righteousness--there is a righteousness that comes from God that is available to all. That all have sinned is the back story, the obvious reason why we need it, but our sin, or that all have sinned, is not the focus, not the main point at all! It reads as almost a side comment.

The main point, what jumps out to me today, is that there is a righteousness from God that has come, that is available. Hallelujah! Amen! Praise God.


I am justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Thank You, Lord!

Wrestling it through...

When You speak
When You break through
What do You want us to do with that?

Do You want us to just 
   listen
   receive
   and do it?
Perhaps, sometimes.
Perhaps, often even.

But is that always what you want us to do.

Jacob wrestled a blessing from You
You told Moses to leave You alone (Ex. 32:10)
So that Your anger could burn and destroy the people
But he didn't leave You alone
He argued that one with You
And You relented
It's almost as if You wanted Him to stay and argue
Was it a test?

Just a bit later (33:1-3) You told him
You wouldn't go with him, with them
You'd send an angel
But You wouldn't go
And again he argues with You
And...You let him
And seem to like it

I've always thought I could engage with You
I've always thought You could take my questions
But this, now, is the context of when You speak to me
When You speak to Your people
It makes sense that we should engage
And like the examples above, even
   question
   disagree
Your final answer
Might be a little different than the original

And now I'm thinking a step further
Of the times I thought You have spoken
And I did agree, I did like it
But then I just sat on it
And sometimes
They didn't happen
Could it be that my lack of wrestling it through
   praying that it would really happen
   became a hindrance?

Could it be
That when You speak
No matter what
You really want us
You really want me
   to engage
Hearing You speak
Hearing what You say
   is not quite enough
There are implications
There are always implications
And I need to learn to stay
   and work those out
To keep listening
   and wrestling

It is a whole life
Continually lived in Your presence
Always engaged

Grace pours down...

If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, 
Lord who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness, 
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
(Ps. 130:4-5)

Thank You Lord, for forgiveness, for grace.
Thank You for being "the lifter of my head" (Ps. 3:3)

Sin is real
Shame is real and can be so crippling
But You
Offer forgiveness
You
Don't want to
Are not willing to
See us forever bowed down

And the body
The Christian community
Should be a place that lives this out
Where we can come broken, contrite
And find acceptance, warmth, forgiveness
And strength to go on

Thank You for forgiveness and grace
Thank You for a body that lives this out
Thank You for family, that is real with each other


Semi-related thoughts that have come on this: 

I was tempted, yesterday, to not go to the Bible study. "What's the point?" I hadn't prepared (done my homework, hadn't even read the chapter, only listened to it once or twice. Certainly hadn't prayerfully considered the questions or written anything down). Didn't even have my notebook to write down the thoughts of others. And...I was late...but, I somehow still thought it was good to go.

Then, I had a memory, from 20+ years ago--sitting in church in a weeknight Bible study. The rows of chairs were facing forward. My dad was leading or teaching, sitting in one of the front rows, but not facing the people straight on. He was angled back toward them so they could hear him, but he was looking at the floor the whole time. It bugged me that he didn't look at everyone. I kept wanting to get his attention, thought of writing a note and handing it to him, "Look up, look at the people."

I don't know when we talked about it...maybe that night in the car going home. 

What he said, "You know [my name]..." and then what came was just how low he was feeling right then--how broken down, struggling, hurting. I didn't know the details, still don't, but I've later heard more of the stories and struggle from those years...

And I thought (and I STILL think), "What a shame!" The church should be the place where we can come and share our struggle, our brokenness. This is where we can come to learn to live out the reality of this Book we read, these truths we hold to. If we can't come and wrestle it out here, with these people, pray tell, where and when DO we learn to live out these truths? 

How sad, then, that my dad couldn't be real about the struggle. How sad, then, that there were very few being real about faith intersecting with life, and the learning to live it as a Christ-follower. Ah--when it would get talked about--when things got to an extreme--a "fall," a need for church discipline...  

I hope we are doing better now. I think we are.

It makes me wonder--how did I become one who would be vulnerable and real about it all? When and how did I realize--that if this faith is real, if this God is real, then He must also be real in the reality of life...no need to hide it, or cover it...


Jesus Come

what do I do with this dull heart and head?
I so long for You to come close
to be able to hear You
see You
sense You

I want
I would like
for my life to be wrapped up in Yours
to somehow know, again
that You are leading, guiding, speaking
to know Your presence
and have that be
enough

But...
I don't know
Your presence now
I can't 
feel You
sense You
hear You

I wish I could hear You speak
I wish You would reach through
I'm still hoping You will
reach through the fog
into this space
somehow
give perspective

until You do
I will wait
I will hope
I will believe
beyond what I can see

more...

I must cultivate more
this desire
the desire to draw close to You
to be wrapped up in You
You holding me
wrapped around me

written Aug. 13, 2015, feeling it again today

Sharing the journey

Glad to be there today
for her
glad to be me for her
glad to have had my journey
and freedom found
for it is the freedom she needs
I wish there had been someone like me
for me (is that weird to say?)
when I was her age
someone to tell me
they understood
it was normal, in some sense
how to find a way through
that all could be talked about
what part to be concerned about
what part
might actually not be much of  a problem
for me the freedom and insight came
fifteen years later
(and I'm thankful for the people I had then)

I'm glad for her
and proud of her courage
I see a beautiful heart
a heart You have made new
deeper in her
than the sin and the struggle
is the desire to live clean and free
that is You drawing
You leading
Your life
   that is stronger
   than any evil or darkness
at work and alive in her

Thank You for the journey
for mine
for hers
for this chance to journey together
what a privilege to be
a safe place
the first one
with whom she has shared
and I'm thankful for those
who were safe for me


being formed

What is this that comes
It could only be You
A knowing the need for compassion
An asking for love for
Even the ones who have wronged

Oh, I'm still far from how You lived it Jesus
Not sure the asking for forgiveness for them
Would come quite that quick
While they were doing the hurting

But I see something of You
Growing in me

Grow more in me
The ability to love, to truly love
Even those who cause pain


All I know is weak

maybe I was supposed to lead
maybe I was supposed to show them
how to be strong
but all I know is weak

weak
broken
floundering
crying out for help
running to my only Refuge
falling on Him
knowing Him strong
knowing Him faithful
through the years
and many tears
the dark
the clouds
the wandering

flat on my face
crawling
holding on
just barely
or not even holding on
but knowing Him 
holding on to me

this is all I know to do
this is all I know to show you how to do
to be weak

be weak
and name it
own it
say it
with tears streaming down your face
sadness in your eyes
apologizing for the more that you can't give
make the changes needed
ask for the help needed
receive the strength that comes
from Him
directly
or through others

no, I am not strong
I can only show you how to be weak

but the weak
somehow
in the weirdest twist of all
becomes strength that rises
a deep, firm core
a deep stabilizing
so weak
but unable to be
thoroughly defeated
a weak that becomes strong
and frees others
to be weak
and eventually
grow strong

Known

"I Shall Know Him"
I enjoyed the song today
Showed up on my FB feed
"...by the prints of the nails in His hand"

I get it...it's a song of thankfulness
For what You've done Jesus
And I thank You

But I don't think I'll need to search
To look at Your hands
To check
To make sure it's You

I suspect
I'll know You
Just by looking in Your eyes
Knowing that You know me
You, the only One who has known me completely
Loved me completely

I shall know You, 
And be eternally thankful
For how You have known me
And walked with me
Ever-loving
Ever-guiding
And all You've done for me
I shall know You
And I shall love You

Wrecked

Wrecked
Again
By a vision that wasn't mine
It was theirs
They were supposed to do it
But now it falls to me
To carry
Until the time is right
Until the Lord parts the sea
Opens a way

Wrecked
Not just by that vision, their vision
But also by...the original one
How it pulls at my heart
How it embodies so many stories
So many hopes and dreams

And wrecked
By how "impossible" it all is

I submit myself, again Lord
To You
And an impossible dream
An impossible vision
That can never happen
Unless You enable
Unless You empower
Unless You provide the resources

And it will never produce fruit
Fruit that will last
Unless You breathe into it
Unless You give it life
Unless You are the one that directs
Unless Your wisdom leads all decisions

Lead Lord
And continue to "wreck" me in the process

This post started and felt Aug. 25...written Sept. 1

How long do I have?

How long do I have
How long will I live
People die all the time
Some young
Some old
Thinking I have a 'vision' that will take another 15 years
Is no guarantee

When I go
What will I leave
What will remain
What will keep living
Long after I have breathed my last

Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground
   and dies...

May there be something
    much even
That lives on, and on, and on
Forever
Never dying

(rambling thoughts after seeing a news piece...someone dies at 49...just 4 years older than I...)

23?

Twenty-three
Is that how many You want us to take in?
Who are they?
Please bring them
We've already met most of them
Help us discern
And if we haven't met them yet
Bring them to us

Who are they?
Lord, let them be the ones
Who need healing
Who want to be free
Who are willing to receive
Who will grown
   learn
   become strong
And then be the ones
Who will be strong to help others
Who will be truly transformed

Only twenty-three?
Choose them well
For the future
Ones who will invest their talents
And reap great reward
Who will return the "much" that you require of them
Because You will give them much

Discipline... I need...


I read this, a week or two ago...it is convicting. It tells the truth of my life, and something that is lacking.
When we begin to ask what the conditions of inner renewal are, we receive essentially the same answers from nearly all of those whom we have most reason to respect. One major answer is the emphasis upon discipline. In the conduct of one's own life it is soon obvious, as many have learned the hard way, that empty freedom is a snare and delusion. In following what comes naturally or easily, life simply ends in confusion, and in consequent disaster. Without the discipline of time, we spoil the next day the night before, and without the discipline of prayer, we are likely to end by having practically no experience of the divine-human encounter. However compassionate we may be with others, we dare not be soft or indulgent with ourselves. Excellence comes at a price, and one of the major prices is that of inner control.

We have not advanced very far in our spiritual lives if we have not encountered the basic paradox of freedom, to the effect that we are most free when we are bound. But not just any way of being bound will suffice; what matters is the character of our binding. The one who would like to be an athlete, but who is unwilling to discipline his body by regular exercise and by abstinence, is not free to excel on the fields or the track. His failure to train rigorously and to live abstemiously denies him the freedom to go over the bar at the desired height, or to run with the desired speed and endurance. With one concerted voice the giants of the devotional life apply the same principle to the whole of life with the dictum: Discipline is the price of freedom.
--from The New Man for Our Time by Elton Trueblood, quoted in A Guide to Prayer..., pp. 226-227.

A great way to "lose yourself"


Lose yourself in the joy of living God's love
--Jarrod McKenna

So much good could be said about this video. I first learned of it through this shorter clip--containing a powerful metaphor and illustration


But really, the FULL video--just over 34 minutes long, is really worth the watch.


Amazed, Thankful

What are you doing, God
Is this You speaking, somehow
into my life at this point
fanning into flame
this renewed hope
   renewed faith
   renewed trust

Is this You affirming
somehow reaching down to reassure
"yes, you do hear from Me.
yes, I am using you."
so that I will have courage
and faith
to go forward
in all those areas where I don't see a thing
but have only vague impressions
vague hopes

This is what I sense
and so I say, "Thank You"
Thank You for the reassurance
Thank You for the affirmation
Thank You for blowing me away once again
Thank You 
for moving my heart for the kids
for showing the place of connection
for giving words, to me
that connected with what You are doing, in them
leaving us all clear, that this is it
this is the crucial point, 
for their going forward
for their growth

BTW, 
You're blowing me away again, You know 
that You would use me 
in their lives
it's like Naaman's servant girl
or Balam's donkey
but I'll take it
deep down
it's what I want most of all
my life used by You
participating in Your great purposes
may I be yielded
and hearing
more and more
do it, Lord
Your good thing
far beyond anything
I could ask or imagine

Tears...

Tears come
My heart is hit
My heart breaks
For the kids I know
But barely know
And are leaving soon

My heart is overwhelmed at the mystery
The sense of being used in their lives

My heart breaks
Tears flow
And I'm thankful
Because these tears tell me
That I am alive
Even though exhausted
And could feel 'dead'
They assure me

My heart is still alive
  it can be touched
    it can be moved
      it cares
About things that are important

A time for tears

Lots of tears...

Tears at the wonder
   of what you might be doing
Tears at the immensity of the task
   and asking you for help
      please send help
      who will you send?
Tears for the pain
   here
   and all over the world

When I come

When I stop
When I come
When I finally pull away
From all that distracts

And
    finally
        get quiet

Then I weep

Is that why I don't come?
Is that why I stay distracted?
Is there something
    deep down
        not resolved
            that keeps me running?

What is it Lord?
Here I am
I'm trying to come today
    and stay
        not run

I wonder what you might say
I wonder if there will be more
    than tears

I wonder if you might reveal
and give strength

How I need you to change my heart
    make it new
Make it one that leans into  you
That wants to do
    all that is good

For now
Please help me to come
    each day
Keep coming
    keep shutting down the distractions
That I might hear you
    and gain perspective
And know again
    what is real
    what is not

Daily Dying...

Jesus, you ask me to die to self
To die daily
And I don't want to
So I don't

Actually, I forgot that you asked
I heard it, and did it...before
But...got out of the habit
And find
I don't want to...anymore

Actually
(another 'actually')
You didn't "ask"
You required
It's not optional

    for God bought you with a high price. 
    So you must honor God with your body (I Cor. 6:20)

Forgive me Lord
Help me to turn
To live new
Create in me a new heart
One the values what You do
That lives for the eternal
That willing lays itself down

What will I lose...

What will I lose
if I go through this day
(and maybe the next one too)
without stopping
coming
sitting at Your feet
pausing to look
listen
share

Do I really believe
that what You are doing in this world
and in me
is more important than anything else

If it is
then the risk I take
in not coming
is of living
   wasted
   and frustrated
fighting against the wind
engaged in battles that will win nothing I want

I could miss
what You want to say to me today
You, who know all that will happen,
perhaps You have something to say
that I need to know
before I get into it
perhaps You have guidance
to help me navigate better
perhaps You just want to help me be rooted in You
so that no matter what happens
I'm not shaken

How many times do I live 
   agitated
   frustrated
   confused
because I am lacking the perspective and insight and fortitude
You had been all ready to give me

And I will be lost
drifting without an anchor
scattered
fractured
stressing and agitated in every direction
unless I come
and drink 
and learn
from You
that which will calm me
center me

What will I lose
what do I lose
time and again

When will I learn
and choose 
to turn
to come
to sit
still
and listen

By what I gain
I will start to know
the measure I would have lost
had I not come
and gain 
much I do not want to lose

Working Around the Abyss

I need to spend some time with You today Lord, "working around the hole of my pain" (an idea from Nouwen, see below). The pain, the emptiness...it's been calling out to me, with various reminders. And I'm tempted to run, and I've been busying myself in other places distracting myself, but it's always there. I need to come to You with it. I need to look at it, really look. Jesus, can we walk into it together?

We walk toward,
You're holding my hand.
I point
and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You
Here it is Lord
It hurts
So much...

From Henri Nouwen's, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom

Work Around Your Abyss
There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

Sad... and okay

A sadness envelops
At the close of this day
A sadness that is yearning
And processing
And grieving

I've been crying today for the guys
And thankful to have facilitated (Your guiding I think)
A safe place to share
And cry
All of them said
They had never shared like that before
"Didn't know where to find someone to tell," said one

Tears...
Such a valuable part of my journey
And they've been told
Sharing, and tears
Make you weak
How are they so quick to believe us?
Or, maybe they're just okay recognizing they ARE weak
We all are

And I'm crying for other things
So many other things...
It's just how it feels today
And that's okay

I cry before You
And You are here
And if I stop
If I stay
I might actually even feel You here

.....

Related...an excellent article read this week: Quit Burying Your Emptiness in Noise and Activity

From the article:
The silence we need is more than an absence of sound; it’s a break from constant stimulus and activity. It’s about allowing the tangled cords in our spirit and mind to unravel and be stilled. It’s about stopping the constant need to control our surroundings with our actions and words in a never-ending quest to drown out the unrest in our hearts. It’s about facing the dragon of emptiness, loneliness, frustration, anger, hurt, and need head on . . . and doing the soul-wrenching work of letting
Jesus deal with it.

Thirsty--Psalm 84

So...
Those who long
Those who are "thirsty"

Want to just hang out with You
Sit in Your "house,"  never leaving?
I could handle that

But then it also means something else
The thirst seems to be more about journeying
Forever wanting to journey to where You are
And on this journey
This thirst, this hope
Gives them strength

And thirst
Somehow becomes trust
And Your favour comes to these ones...

Does this song...that I came to love at Christmas time...fit here?
Maybe just the two lines
   for all who wait
   for all who hunger...


Thirsty


What does it mean to be "thirsty for God" (the theme for this week's prayer times) ?
I have thought many things

Am I thirsty?
Sometimes it seems I am
But there are days I can spend so little time in conversation with God
And so much time in conversation with others--non-essential conversation

How can I become more thirsty?
Is there a way to cultivate thirst?
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
"Yes, but you can salt his oats."

What would make me more thirsty for you?
Then I think of how friendships work
The more I spend time with someone, the more I want to spend time with them.
How do I just get spending time?

In some ways I am
And I keep coming back
Please keep drawing me back

Remembering who You are helps make me thirsty
I spent hours on a bus one day
I asked You to help make it a day becoming more thirsty for You
For You to bring me back

And as I turned toward You
(and got some good rest before that too!)
You opened my eyes
You helped me to see
Many thoughts came and went
Living in Your presence
An enjoyable day

I listened to many songs that day
It was my "faithful" playlist
And as I was reminded about who You are
Who I know You are
I sensed my heart-thirst growing

Yep, maybe this is how it's done
In simple little ways
Continuing to turn to You
Turn back to You
Spend time with You
Respond to the thoughts and ideas that come to mind
Spend time talking with you about them

Lord, please continue to cultivate this thirst in me...

How does hope come?

I don't know
I wish I did
I know that on that darkest day a week and a half ago
I cried out, "Don't let Satan win"
And I made it through

I know that I have cried out for help
As I knew I was heading back for more challenge
With no answers evident
And I've cried out again and again
As I see time for decisions looming
Tears finally breaking
The late-night tension

Sometimes I feel
A certain buoyancy has come
Is it because I'm not in it right now?
No urgent deadlines
No one to give answers to
...yet

I wish I knew how hope comes
I wish I knew how to bolster it
Higher and higher so that all is joy
And there is no fear or anxiety

Maybe hope is a little like strength
You give enough
And sometimes it doesn't feel like enough
But I make it
So it was

I wonder what a journey is
I wonder what it all looks like from Your end
Me, here...
Trying to figure out how to live

On one hand I sense an invitation to more boldly live
The me that I am
    Make the decisions
    Point out the problems
    Call the situation
    Suggest a path
Because You've asked me to do this
And maybe there's a reason
You asked me and not somebody else

And yet this me
    Stumbles
    Hurts others
    Finds my best intentions misunderstood
I'm at a loss in how to live
I want to
    Run
    Back away
    Withdraw
    Hide
My engaging as me
Only brings pain
 
With all these problems
Comes another invitation
To humble myself
Learn
Grow

I don't know how to live
Hope comes and goes
I pray that there will
always
    be
       enough

For now, it seems to be growing
For that, I am thankful

I trust there will be enough
And maybe that is the key
My hope is in You
Not in a feeling of hope

Alone

Alone

You are here
You are always here
But I walk alone

And I feel the alone
Deeper than I feel the with You


Drawn

What is this You have done to me?
Done in me?
Tied me in
Roped
Drawn
While I wonder how I can go on
While I feel the pain of the journey
The aloneness
The struggle of not knowing
The pain
And yet
When you ask again,
"Whom shall I send?"
"Who will go for us?"
I find myself weeping again.
And willingly saying,
"Here am I. Send me"
And there is no resisting these ropes
The "chains" are not what holds me

Jan. 26, 2015

Cross or easy yoke? (part 1)

Which is it?
I know it's both
But how can that be?
They are so opposed
How can you, at the same time, require both?
How can, how does... a cross become an easy yoke?

(From reflections on my readings...one day I read a portion of Matt. 10, and there was the call to "take up your cross," and to die daily. The next day I read the end of Matt. 11, where Jesus says to come to Him for rest, and that His yoke is easy.)

Yearning

Today I wake
I start this day
With a yearning
And a grief-like ache

A yearning to do well
A yearning to work hard
To return to You this day
A job well done
Time well spent

I've thought several times
My "conscience" about this "is broken"
It's been over-stretched
Like a spring, pulled beyond its limits
And unable to bounce back
I have become
Unable to judge
Unable to sense
Unable to care


But today
I seem to care again
There's a soberness about it
A motivation
But not that high-strung 'rah-rah let's go' kind
It's mellow
And sober
And...a little afraid

To please You...

So, what would please You?
What would be a fair return
On this day You have given?
This day
Or any day

Not long ago I was thinking
I want another parable
That one didn't work for me
You know the one
Five or two or one talent
Five and two were invested
And got a 100% return
One was buried, and returned zero
All or nothing?
Those the only options?

Was there ever anyone
Who received five
But only invested two or three?
What do You say to that?

I wondered
What if they received five
And didn't really know what to do with it
In the end, some turned out to be poor investments
You say
You gave as they were able
So...they would know?

It often feels like
You gave way more than I can handle
And I don't know where to turn
So I bury
Well...
Don't completely bury
Some is good

Yesterday that question
Do you believe that God is pleased with you?
That He delights in you?
And if He is, how does that change what I think are my responsibilities? 

Are You pleased?
With what?
Anytime?
All day, every day?
No matter what I do?
I doubt it
So...
What does please You?
What would please You?
I think I have some answers
Is it okay to ask for...
More specific?

Bound

Wrestling
Balking
Fighting
At this weight
These chains
These ropes
Wrapped
Twisted
Binding
Uselessness

How am I supposed to do this task
With this ropes so wrapped
Can You not first free
Before requiring action

You asked me to do this thing
Why does it feel like, look like
All my efforts are useless

Will I forever feel
So inadequate
So ill-prepared
So ill-fit
For all that I am to do

Echoing in my head
Song lyrics:
   Have you cursed at the wind
   Have you cried to the heavens
   Have you fought with this mercy you don't understand

I don't know if it's "mercy" I don't understand
But I don't understand
And, yes, I'm crying to the heavens
...and fighting
Struggling...

Perhaps the bonds are of my own making
Perhaps they are chains of my own thinking
Perhaps there is something integral
Related to ME
That has to be cut away
Discarded
Before I can be free
(Like Eustace, stuck in the dragon body...)
I await
Your ripping
Tearing
Cutting
Bringing freedom


Mercy's Rain

Where am I, Lord?
Only You know

I believe, I trust
You are here
Thought it feels like darkness closing in

I resonate with most of this:

   Lord, I know not what I ought to ask of thee; 
   Thou only knowest what I need...
   I simply present myself before thee,
   I open my heart to thee. 
   Behold my needs which I know not myself.
   Smite, or heal;
   Depress me, or raise me up;
   I adore all thy purposes without knowing them;
   I am silent; 
   I offer myself in sacrifice;
   I yield myself to thee;
   I would have no other desire than to accomplish thy Will.
   Teach me to pray. Pray thyself in me. Amen
   --Francois Fenelon

The high demands of following Jesus
Being like Him--in sacrifice, generosity, discipline, etc
(another reading today)
Do not inspire today
Only seem... far beyond my reach

Today I fall on Your mercy
Your grace
Knowing You still receive
Even if all I can do is crawl
Or lay flat on my face

Here
Flat on my face
Rain comes
Your touch soothes

You know where I am
And that is enough

Related Posts with Thumbnails