Noble Dreams

Sometimes I have noble dreams

Dreams of …

Being a part of bringing peace.

The fight on the street

The screams in the night…

What are the words said....?

Or the presence that would enter

That would bring calm

Invite change

While at the same time

Flooding each one with hope

Not shame

What do I do even now?

Up in my 4^th floor apartment,

Hearing the yelling below

I’ve done it before

Run out into the night,

To follow a situation

To try to help

I’ve also not done anything at times

That girl being pushed into that black car…at 4 a.m.

What was that?

I try, I turn…

To tune into You

What might You say?

I want, I need

Your guidance

Each moment

Each time

In each of these situations

Whether to run out

Or stay

Tonight,

Not feeling the urgency/need

To run out there

There seem to be people involved

And yet I pray

Peace Lord,

Please bring your peace

….

Sometimes I have noble dreams

And yet these seem easier to pull off

With strangers

With those closer, today

Not sure I brought much peace...

I lost patience with the children

Some of the rambunctious boys

Several times :o(

Do I bring peace to the others?

It takes me so long to gain clarity about where I stand

The agitation inside, doesn’t lead to peace outside

How I need

To know You again

How I long

To live in Your presence again

To once again sense

Being led

How I need Your wisdom

How I long for Your guidance

How I need the clarity

That energizes

Lead me Lord.

A New Theme

I wonder if his might be the theme, or part of it, for this next season--maybe even the next two years. By "this" I mean some ideas in this song. There are a lot of ideas...lots, yes, ALL of it could be the theme. I'm listening to the song, over and over again.  

Although I'm a little hesitant to do so, as it might be a huge over-simplification, I guess it could be summarized by the words "Abide in me." 

Abide in Me.

For years I have loved, and kept coming back to John 15, and the words, images, invitation and commands there. When I've heard the words in the past, I've usually heard them as Jesus' invitation to me--to abide in Him. But what He says is, "Abide in me, and I in you." (John 15:4, ESV). (Other versions use "remain," and I think of that word too.)  However this song turns it around, and invites Jesus to "abide in me, let my branches bear Your fruit."

One season has ended, a new one is beginning. Maybe it's not that significant, but then again, maybe it is. Just over three years ago a friend and I started Journey with Jesus: Discovering the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius, and that was the guidance for daily prayer time for about 13 months. It was life-changing. I want to go through it again sometime. Then, for two years we've used A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants. This one has also been wonderful. I'll probably come back to it too. 

In these past three years the daily readings and prayer times have taken me deeper with the Lord, often through shorter Scripture passages, and a different way of interacting with Him, hearing Him, and it has been beautiful!

And yet, after three years, I'm feeling like it's been a long time since I've read lots of parts of the Bible. I'm wanting to go back at it again, to read it again, to hear it again. I want to hear and see the themes again, from where I am now. I want to know what the Lord might say to me this time.

And so now it's a two year plan (still not very fast) of simply reading through the whole bible again, extending this plan (I DO like reading in various places!) to 104 weeks.

And I've been trying to find an expression for what I am looking for, or for what I feel the Lord is inviting me to now. There are several parts to it, but this song just might summarize a fair bit of it.

Nice!

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I forget and I live as though You are not here, as if You had not spoken, as if what I do each day doesn't really matter. I'm sorry Lord, well...sorry a little, but not quite enough yet. I'm not sure it's really sunk in yet. But...thank You for this gentle reminder, this drawing, this invitation...

I took you from the ends of the earth,

    from its farthest corners I called you.

I said, "You are my servant;"

    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isa. 41:9-10

It was for Israel, but maybe it is for me too.

You have called me. You have chosen me. There are things You want me to do, for which You will strengthen me. But I forgot, I think. Or I forget in the midst of day to day living, and I end up living as if what I do doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

"Dismayed." Yeah, I guess that's how it is, that's how I live about some of this stuff.

So...what if I readjusted? What if I really look at this as Your promise to me? What if I look into Your eyes, and listen, as You speak this over me?

(pause...breath...read it again...and maybe again...)

As I do that...something shifts.

Thank You for this reminder.

Thank You for this invitation.

Thank You for Your promises...and Your presence.

Wrestling it through...

When You speak

When You break through

What do You want us to do with that?

Do You want us to just 

   listen

   receive

   and do it?

Perhaps, sometimes.

Perhaps, often even.

But is that always what you want us to do.

Jacob wrestled a blessing from You

You told Moses to leave You alone (Ex. 32:10)

So that Your anger could burn and destroy the people

But he didn't leave You alone

He argued that one with You

And You relented

It's almost as if You wanted Him to stay and argue

Was it a test?

Just a bit later (33:1-3) You told him

You wouldn't go with him, with them

You'd send an angel

But You wouldn't go

And again he argues with You

And...You let him

And seem to like it

I've always thought I could engage with You

I've always thought You could take my questions

But this, now, is the context of when You speak to me

When You speak to Your people

It makes sense that we should engage

And like the examples above, even

   question

   disagree

Your final answer

Might be a little different than the original

And now I'm thinking a step further

Of the times I thought You have spoken

And I did agree, I did like it

But then I just sat on it

And sometimes

They didn't happen

Could it be that my lack of wrestling it through

   praying that it would really happen

   became a hindrance?

Could it be

That when You speak

No matter what

You really want us

You really want me

   to engage

Hearing You speak

Hearing what You say

   is not quite enough

There are implications

There are always implications

And I need to learn to stay

   and work those out

To keep listening

   and wrestling

It is a whole life

Continually lived in Your presence

Always engaged

being formed

What is this that comes

It could only be You

A knowing the need for compassion

An asking for love for

Even the ones who have wronged

Oh, I'm still far from how You lived it Jesus

Not sure the asking for forgiveness for them

Would come quite that quick

While they were doing the hurting

But I see something of You

Growing in me

Grow more in me

The ability to love, to truly love

Even those who cause pain

Discipline... I need...

I read this, a week or two ago...it is convicting. It tells the truth of my life, and something that is lacking.

When we begin to ask what the conditions of inner renewal are, we receive essentially the same answers from nearly all of those whom we have most reason to respect. One major answer is the emphasis upon discipline. In the conduct of one's own life it is soon obvious, as many have learned the hard way, that empty freedom is a snare and delusion. In following what comes naturally or easily, life simply ends in confusion, and in consequent disaster. Without the discipline of time, we spoil the next day the night before, and without the discipline of prayer, we are likely to end by having practically no experience of the divine-human encounter. However compassionate we may be with others, we dare not be soft or indulgent with ourselves. Excellence comes at a price, and one of the major prices is that of inner control.

We have not advanced very far in our spiritual lives if we have not encountered the basic paradox of freedom, to the effect that we are most free when we are bound. But not just any way of being bound will suffice; what matters is the character of our binding. The one who would like to be an athlete, but who is unwilling to discipline his body by regular exercise and by abstinence, is not free to excel on the fields or the track. His failure to train rigorously and to live abstemiously denies him the freedom to go over the bar at the desired height, or to run with the desired speed and endurance. With one concerted voice the giants of the devotional life apply the same principle to the whole of life with the dictum: Discipline is the price of freedom.

--from The New Man for Our Time by Elton Trueblood, quoted in A Guide to Prayer..., pp. 226-227.

Passed

"Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me."
Matt. 11:6

You passed John, you did
You made it
You didn't stumble
There in that dungeon
You wondered
You doubted
It didn't make sense
Wasn't what you planned
Wasn't what you thought would happen
So you sent
And asked
But you didn't turn away
You were faithful to the end
And you are blessed

Compared to your real
And life-taking
Dungeon and trial
Mine...seems trivial
But I have known my own "darkness"
I have had to hold on through the night
Doubting if I have ever heard
Wondering if I had really followed His call
Or if that was all my own imagining
Especially in the light of how things were turning out

But you have taught me
You and many others through the ages
And the training He has given
...to not give up
...not turn away
...not stumble just because it doesn't make sense

I passed too

Thank You  Lord
For strength to endure
Hope beyond seeing
The sense of Your approval now


And...since we're including lots of songs that have shared the journey...

Your forming

Your forming

Is quite amazing
I can see it
I can feel it
How You have led
How the challenges earlier
Have worked something into me
For now

I can see more
I am stronger, more aware

(written earlier in August)

Changes needed

Arrange your days
so that you experience
total contentment,
joy, and confidence
in your everyday life with God.

(From Soul Keeping, by John Ortberg, quoting something Dallas Willard said to him, and that is now on his wall, the first thing he sees when goes to work every day.)

I need to work on "arranging my days."

Remembering

This is where I remember
Well, first I experience
And then I remember

I have known God
God is here, Part 1
God is here, Part 2

These speak to me again today
I weep at the memories
And in the now

It's as if You're here now
Almost saying the very same things

And Just Sit
Is pretty much where I am now too
And because I have been here before
And You spoke then
I can rest and believe now

You, God of all my days
Constantly lead and guide me
And You
Are my constant companion

I'd like to feel You close again
Real close
I think I will again sometime
But for now I am comforted
Remembering
And believing
in the now

I come late...

Lent has now come to an end. Many people have found ways to learn and grow, turn and repent, walk with Jesus to the cross. Though I wrote a post at the beginning of Lent, though I was moved, challenged, felt convicted and thought I would move to change, actually, not much has changed. Now, maybe I'm "getting it" more. Now I'm more inclined to really make change. Yet with this track record...I'm not so sure.

I'm like Peter. Or Peter is like me. Or...I see a likeness, and so I see hope. It took him awhile to "get it" too. Maybe he thought he "got it" the first time--the time Jesus rebuked him (yeah, what a rebuke--when the Son of God calls you "Satan"--you've been told!), for disagreeing on the crucifixion plan. (Do you ever win, when you disagree with Jesus?) But he disagreed again--Jesus knew he would deny, knew he would walk away, but he...thought he knew himself better. And as Jesus faced the cross, he faced himself, and in the days that followed, lived out his repentance.

Forty days of Lent are over. I missed it. I missed out. Today many are remembering His death, and moving towards resurrection. For me, today brings a new opportunity, the blessing of a new spiritual practice, and a 40 day opportunity that can correspond. Today I begin my 40 days, thankful for renewed hope, grace and mercy, fresh starts.


From Aug. 30, 2013, Journey with Jesus--being Peter, told he would deny

You come gently
   yet firmly
You demand I must see
   two realities:
     my sin
     and Your unfailing love for me, regardless of my sin

Throwing away eggs...one at a time...

I'm having a terrible time with something, and I think I need to find a discipline that will work for me, that will cause me to feel it, and CHANGE.

My problem, I keep running from focus on my work, to other internet surfing, chatting, etc. It's not bad stuff, it's just not the most effective stuff, and it is definitely not the most key priorities that God has called me to. He has entrusted to me precious time, and I fritter it away, and I keep doing it.

In one of those teaching messages by Dallas Willard I referred to earlier (I think it was #9--about church communities), he gives an example of a man who said he couldn't stop himself from raising his voice in discussion with his son (and wife too maybe)...it just happened, and it would escalate. Willard said, "Yes you can," just decide that every time you raise your voice that way you donate $5,000.00 to your wife's favourite charity, and the next time it happens, raise it by another $5,000.00. (This guy was in a situation where he had the kind of funds to do that sort of thing.) The point being--if he did this, he would start to feel the impact, become more aware, and change can happen.

So, me...I was thinking, I could have a plan...every time I go online when I shouldn't I could add X number of dollars to a fund to donate to something. But, that would have a conflicting effect for me because, well, it's GOOD to give more away, so...yeah, "sin more and give more." No! That's not the point!

But here is what would work. I'm going to buy a flat of eggs. And every time I go online when I shouldn't, I'm going to go and smash one of those eggs and throw it down the toilet. I will have a really hard time doing that. (Do you know, after coming here, and knowing people are hungry, and don't have enough money for good nutrition--I can no longer even have, for example, relay races with eggs on spoons, or anything else that wastes food.) It will be hard, but I think I need to do it. Only then might I finally realize more deeply what I'm doing when I waste this time.

Ah, it's horrible how I do this. Some reading this might remember my car accident last year, and how I knew this was the same lesson God was trying to teach me--how much I waste, how much of the resources given I waste through negligence, how much time I waste. And still, it hasn't gotten in.

A new spiritual discipline: throwing away eggs.

If "sin" was tough...

I'm so resisting this next part of the journey.  If going through "week 1," the "sin" section was tough, what will the section on the crucifixion be like? The sin section was 5 weeks of asking that I might see and grieve over the ways I continue to choose to sin, in spite of God's limitless love, grace and mercy. In those weeks, there was also a focus on knowing myself as loved by God in spite of the sin... a very rich time, yet a very sobering time.

Now, after 15 weeks of "Walking with Jesus" in "week 2"--watching Jesus, following Jesus, trying to learn to answer His call--I move towards the cross in "week 3."

My initial questions were: Am I ready?  Should I go there yet? or first spend more time in the life of Christ?

I thought, I had imagined, that the grace I would be seeking would be to die to self, die with Christ. I'm sensing there are things that need to die.  It turns out to be a little different, to sorrow with Christ in sorrow, anguish with Christ in anguish, with tears and interior suffering because of the sufferings that Christ endured for you. If I arrive at that, maybe it will have the same effect--a death to things that don't matter, due to a deeper sense of those that do.

I wondered, "Lord, am I ready to go forward? Do I have the sense of You, the deeper knowledge of You... Am I more ready to follow, am I following You...more readily than before? Help me discern...How has my awareness of you changed? Do I know You more intimately? Do I love You more intensely? Follow more closely?" Then my spiritual director said she has no hesitation about me going forward.

But as I have actually come to the beginning, I find myself truly scared. This portion is somehow supposed to be dark. I've had several thoughts. One, "I will abandon You, like Peter." I do it all the time. In little, daily, every day ways, I prove unfaithful. Like him, sometimes I feel so convinced and committed, but then get lost, turn away in the actual living of it all. And knowing that is still likely to happen...I don't even want to go there. Yet, maybe, whether I can stay with You or not, knowing You through this, Your response to me, even in failure, may just transform me, as it transformed him.

A later thought that brought even more fear yesterday and today: I already have enough trouble on some days, during some weeks, holding back the darkness, fighting to hope. And now the book tells me to "take captive" thoughts of hope and resurrection. What? Where am I supposed to go when things get heavy and hard? These next two weeks are big for the significant choices that will need to be made, preparation for turning responsibilities over to the right people, and big for the course content that needs to be reviewed, and prepared. In addition to these things, I will be "companioning" others in their grief journey--a total of four, three hour sessions, encouraging eleven girls and three guys to talk about their pain and their loss. It will be intense. There will be tears. Usually, You are the One to whom I run when I need to come and pour out all the pain and regain balance after entering into their stories. But if I'm to be grieving with You in Your sorrow--how can I come and add to that? Where will I go then? A little selfish about all this I am--I hold back from entering into Your suffering, because really, all I want is You to be there for mine.

Yes, I am too selfish sometimes, and this is to be transformed into dying to self. Yes, this is also part of what "week 3" is about, and this is one part I really do look forward to--to see You more clearly, as You focus in, love to the end, die for me, die for us. I want to learn from You, Jesus. I want to be like You, Jesus.

With fear and trembling I go forward, into these five weeks, Lord Jesus, please lead me, be my guide, teach me all You want me to learn.

Solitude, Community

“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. He will only do harm to himself and to the community…But the reverse is also true: let him who is not in community beware of being alone.”
–Dietrich Bonhoeffer

A good reminder today from Ruth Haley Barton and her summer series on Leading in Rhythm:  Part 3 Leading in Rhythm: Solitude and Community.  I've been getting out of whack in this--the extremes between solitude and "with people" can get a little too extreme in July, and I'm finding the way I do each needs work too. Solitude needs more intentional worship and life-giving, refreshing activity. Community--I need to more intentionally work out rhythms of how to be with the family of God in regular ways--challenging with different schedules and distance.

Thankful for the reminder, for the journey.

If I do nothing else... (Remembering the Journey)

(Remembering the Journey--written September 2012)

I guess it has finally come, that point of desperation where one thing really does become priority over everything else.  Other things can slide, actually making this one thing look like a joke too..

And not much else IS happening.

If I do nothing else, I must come into Your presence.
If I do nothing else, at least I must come to know You, to listen to You.
I may get burned up in the process
May get smacked good
May find myself so lost...not doing other things is so irresponsible
But yet maybe it has to go that way...let go of all, even to the point of being irresponsible
So that what gets picked up again later
Is in it's right place
Is there because it truly IS something I should do
Truly IS my responsibility
And not just one of a billion things
That become the busyness that drowns


"Remembering the Journey"--posts discovered in 'drafts'. Posted now for me to remember...remember the journey...where we have been, where He has brought me...

Can I trust my life to God? (Remembering the Journey)

(Remembering the Journey--written August 11, 2012)

God
Can I trust that You love me
Can I trust that You are on my side
that it is good
and for my good
even if You are disciplining me
Trying to show me better ways to live

I keep getting so mad
So frustrated
"but..." "but..."
What if they...
What about that...it was so wrong
It hurt so much
What if
What if it happens again

Can I really just lay it all down
Leave myself open and vulnerable
and love

If only I could lose sight of self
Of caring whether or not I 
   get it right
   make a contribution
   am useful

It means laying down
All hopes and dreams
All plans
All direction
All expectation of outcomes
All hopes for friendship
Allies for the journey


And it means
The risk of 
being so lost
so unsure
even more than I already am


If somehow I could know You
If I could be really close to You
I think I could do it
I think it could happen
I think I could know that freedom

And maybe even learn to love
Despite pain

I really don't know how You did it Jesus
Please show me


"I don't even know how to be Christian." That's one thought that went through my head not long ago. The most basic and essential stuff, like LOVE--I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to love. Lots of times I don't even want to love, except at a cerebral level that still, somehow allows me to pray "God, help me to want to want to love" and the "Please, pour out Your love into my heart" (hey, there is hope there--He does say that He does this)--only God can enable me to love like He does.

And I think this is about trust too. Can I really trust my life to God? Oh I know I can and I will and I do, and I've been here many times before and made the decision to trust. But I'm here again, realizing ways I need to trust.


"Remembering the Journey"--posts discovered in 'drafts'. Posted now for me to remember...remember the journey...where we have been, where He has brought me...

You Gave me This...

Thank You Lord
for the life that you gave me
this life
in this place
with its hardship
isolation
loneliness
(I never thought I'd be saying this, but)
Thank You
for the lack of resources
the lack of help

I think, along the way
I've helped some others
and that was the intent

But I'm coming to see
I needed this place
this journey
to be forced to grow
and develop
so many gifts and talents
latent
unused
hidden
in the background
backing down and
backing away
when others were more competent

I needed to be in a place
where there was no one else
where at least my little
could be seen as a help
to force me to offer
and be bold
and let You
draw, push, force
more out of me

And You
having put this treasure in me
determined that You
wanted to see it flourish
blossom
grow
You wanted me to be
all that You made me to be
You wanted to see these gifts
discovered and used

and this
was the only place
where it could happen

Thank You Good God
for so faithfully arranging my life

New

Have you noticed? Some speakers...you heard them, they were really good, but years later, they are still telling the same stories? And I stop listening. I'm not impressed any more. Is there nothing new? Does their faith and experience of God not keep growing? Oh...forgive me if I'm judging here, that's not the point...just...I will choose others to be my guides.

God, preserve in me a fresh faith
One that lasts
But even more important
Is always new
I too have had seasons
Where the wisdom I spouted
Was old wisdom
Good still, but something from the past
Because there was nothing fresh
But that should last
Only for a season
Only a winter
Until spring
Old mixed with the new
Old and new treasures
Because of a life with You
That is alive and growing
You good God
Never stop leading and teaching
And there is certainly
More than a long lifetime's worth
That I have still to learn
For all my days
Whether they be few or many
May there be new
New insight
New courage
New love
New hope
New trials and challenges
New vision of You
New knowing of You

Worthy

Because
You are worthy
I
now
go to bed

Binding me

You are
Slowly
Binding my heart
to You

It's what I want
I'm tired
of the wandering
of this bent to wander

You are
Revealing
the ways
the reasons
I leave
I bend away
and the foolishness
of it all

"Binding"
And yet it is free
I am free
free to choose
You are
changing the bent
of my choosing
the lean
is more toward You

Thank You
I'm no longer running