The pull, the choice...

Torn
Pulled
Where will I live?
Where will I focus my attention?

This, I suppose, is the challenge
The NEWer challenge
To find a way, somehow
To focus my attention HERE
Here
  where You have led me
  where I have lived most of my adult years
  where it's become so old and hard
  often it isn't naturally exciting and 'drawing' anymore
But here You have led me
To here I have agreed to commit
At times the vision still feels glorious and grand
At times it isn't 'old'
At times it is still very compelling
There still is much joy
And work that excites
But it doesn't come as naturally anymore
And there are newer and fresher
   attractions
   ideas
That compete, and draw
My attention

So
I must choose
I must choose TODAY
Today, fresh, I must find a way
To look in the face of what I am supposed to do
And make it my focus
My goal
My aim

Today, fresh, I must look away from other things
Today I must do this
And then, tomorrow, remember
And figure out how to do it again

Again and again I must choose
Maybe the "torn" feeling will lessen
Maybe the other "draws" won't be so strong
Maybe it will be a constant battle

But it's not really about here, is it?
It's about You
Somehow staying rooted in You
And then living here
(wherever "here" is at the time)

Ah Jesus
Teach me to live
Rooted in You
And living fully HERE

Stripping and Building

Stripping down
Throwing away
Breaking through
The junk and clutter

Things have accumulated
In all parts of my world
Physical--paper clutter, piles, old electronics
Mental--questions, wonderings
Emotional--confusing relationships and obligations
Virtual--too many connections, options, places to run
More than I can even identify

I'm stripping down
Clarifying
Closing down
Cleaning out
Throwing away

A lightness comes
A hope
A sense of living in the present

It's not done
I must continue
For there is much to be cleared away
And if I don't continue
The piles will return
To clutter
And drag down again

But as I strip away
I'm also aware of barrenness, emptiness
There are areas needing
Support, repair, or brand new additions
There is need to build
Physical--awnings for the cages, air con repairs, shelves
Mental--a plan, order
Emotional--strengthen life-giving relationships
Virtual--more intentionality

There was need to build before this stripping
And even more after
For what will fill the emptiness?

I've wasted too much time bogged down
How can I strip down and build up
For a life that will go the distance
Accomplishing the task
Faithfully running the race
Lighter
With more joy

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, 
let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, 
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  
looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, 
who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, 
despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, 

so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.  

--Heb. 12:1-3

 

He withholds no good thing from us

There is a theme that came today.

First a Scripture reading included this:

Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things.
 Ps. 81:10b

Then a song recommendation--"Open My Hands" by Sara Groves
Which refers to this verse:

The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.

Ps. 84:10b

And I am stopped
Stunned
Sharing it with friends...I could hardly say it

I know I need to come before You
And find a way to believe it
First, am I walking uprightly?
If yes,
Then I can trust
You will withhold no good thing from me

The song...it's a song of paradox, a song that calls out faith

Some of the lyrics:
    I believe in a blessing I don't understand...
    Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
    He withholds no good thing from us

    ...
    Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
    He withholds no good thing from us

    ...
    I believe in a fountain that will never dry
    Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
    Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
    He withholds no good thing from us

So...will I?
Will I do this?
    I will open my hands will open my heart
    I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
    To all that You have for me

Funny, the lyrics I first copied over here have this line in the chorus:
    I will show up and play the smallest part
Which actually is not in the song
But I like it...

I know I can "show up" and play my part
But can I do it with joy?
With confidence?
With expectancy?
With a knowing that You
Really will
Withhold no good thing from me?
Whatever I receive
Or don't receive
You are not withholding any good thing from me
You are filling my "mouth," my life
With good things
Many good things...

Lyrics:

I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing, no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

CHORUS:
I will open my hands will open my heart
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

CHORUS

No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us

CHORUS
 

Tell me...

Tell me You think I'm beautiful
And that You love me
Just the way I am

Tell me again
and again

You did
It was wonderful
It was enough

But then I don't hear
And I wonder
And I'm tempted to overly seek
Or fall for
The affirmation of man
The folly of thinking that what people
Think about me
Is what really matters

Tell me every day
Cup my face in Your hands
Look in my eyes
Tell me again,
"You're beautiful to me.
I love you just the way you are."

If I hear You say this
I can live with joy
No matter what life throws at me
No matter what others think

This week's JOY

The last two posts were sad and painful...yes, one day, and especially for a few hours, this past week was quite hard.

But sad, has not been the overall theme. No, there has been much JOY this week!

The above picture was my "happy sighting" two days ago, on the walk on my way to work. The day before I had seen this woman washing the legs of these stools while a friend seemed to be pouring out her heart. I wondered why the friend didn't help. Looks like she's got help now.

Last Saturday at the centre was just hilarious! I was working with Hope, reviewing the specific content of the camp happening next week. Others were doing other things. At some point we noticed the fan, the one broken at the "neck," and there were comments about how it always hangs its head, "low self-worth," "Oh good thing it's here with us because this is an environment where it can receive comfort and learn to hold its head up again"...except "we treat it badly, keep putting in in the storage room." Yeah, sure, goofy "you had to be there" to find it funny stuff, but it was funny. At one point folks in the other room were laughing and I "yelled" at them, "Don't you know we're supposed to be serious here!" Later, when a burst of laughter came from our room, we were told to keep it down. We promptly went to the other room, apologizing profusely with heads bowed and bows. All this goofing off and interruptions when we were SO BEHIND in our planning, but it all flowed and was great fun. Now, pondering that day I realize--I am a different person. That sort of not prepared, and so many interruptions, in the past...I would have been so stressed, and stressing others out too!

And today--how great to walk into the centre for summer camp counsellor training and have folks that have come especially to help out. Someone came from another province.  Even more exciting was seeing past sponsored students--our grads, former counselors some--back to learn and give and grow. And they remember stuff learned when they were students in the program. And former counsellors remember stuff taught before.Ah, some have far to go and much to learn, but they are willing.

Funniest thing--I was to demonstrate "good active listening." Hope chose the question she was going to talk about: "If I could be anyone else in the world instead of myself I would be..." and she said that was me. It was funny and strange, and I had a super hard time knowing what to think or ask or how to be a "good listener" in front of a bunch of other people. But some stuff she said blesses my heart and makes me wonder... Oh...is she seeing Him? Being drawn?

Yes, there has been joy, much joy! Thank you Lord!

Changes needed

Arrange your days
so that you experience
total contentment,
joy, and confidence
in your everyday life with God.

(From Soul Keeping, by John Ortberg, quoting something Dallas Willard said to him, and that is now on his wall, the first thing he sees when goes to work every day.)

I need to work on "arranging my days."

Remember Your Love

How do I forget so easily

How can I STOP forgetting

How can I learn to constantly remember

That You really do love me

Your love

It’s everything

My joy

My hope

My purpose in living

It’s what I have

The only thing I have

To share with anyone

It’s the only reason

I can face anyone

Face the world

In spite of my failure and shortcomings

And You have proven Your love

Again and again

In history

In the countless times and ways

You have whispered it to my soul

In the ways You have

Provided

And guided

All the days of my life

So why do I doubt

Why do I forget

How can I stop forgetting

It came slamming at me this morning

In the resistance I felt to that prayer

Resisting the “giving You everything”

Only “Your love and Your grace”

As enough

Ah, it disturbed me

What I saw inside my heart

Thankfully

You showed me again

It didn’t take long

A simple review

A trip down memory lane

Revisiting things You’ve said

Along this journey

And everything changed

As I remember Your great love for me

Your promises to be with me always

How You have never broken that promise

You have never give me reason to doubt You

And yet I forget so quickly

Oh, I’m sorry Lord

How can I remember

How can I keep remembering

Somehow…

I think “contemplating the love of God”

Needs to become a part of my morning ritual

Every day

And then I need to revisit during the day

And in examen at night

Until my life is so formed by it

Until I am so utterly filled with joy

Unshakeable joy

Overflowing joy

New

Have you noticed? Some speakers...you heard them, they were really good, but years later, they are still telling the same stories? And I stop listening. I'm not impressed any more. Is there nothing new? Does their faith and experience of God not keep growing? Oh...forgive me if I'm judging here, that's not the point...just...I will choose others to be my guides.

God, preserve in me a fresh faith
One that lasts
But even more important
Is always new
I too have had seasons
Where the wisdom I spouted
Was old wisdom
Good still, but something from the past
Because there was nothing fresh
But that should last
Only for a season
Only a winter
Until spring
Old mixed with the new
Old and new treasures
Because of a life with You
That is alive and growing
You good God
Never stop leading and teaching
And there is certainly
More than a long lifetime's worth
That I have still to learn
For all my days
Whether they be few or many
May there be new
New insight
New courage
New love
New hope
New trials and challenges
New vision of You
New knowing of You

Alive!

Hallelujah, Risen Lord, The only One I fall before... 

Learning to Abide

What does it mean to "abide" or "remain" in the vine? I've been asking that question and seeking to learn to live it for years now. Time and again I find myself hovering in John 14-17, realizing again that ... if and when I figure out how to live all that is there, this will be life fulfilled, lived joyful, lived well.

I'm there again, hovering, reading and then reading again. (I guess it may be called "meditating"?)

I want to learn to abide, remain in Jesus, remain in His love, remain in His presence. Yesterday was good, as the stresses and frustrations came--changes, people not understanding, a 'quick trip to the hospital' becoming 6 hours there. But I was reminded to turn to Jesus, and as I turned, and asked and listened...new thoughts came, broader and wider perspectives... Oh, I didn't get it all right. Sometimes I did not turn quickly enough, did not listen first to Him before responding. But hopefully I am learning, and getting better at this.

No matter what the stresses of life, no matter what the challenges that come, there is and can be love and patience for others, there is grace that I can receive and live out.

Today, once again I turn toward Him, once again I seek to abide.

As the Father has loved me
so have I loved you.
Abide in my love.
If you keep my commandments,
you will abide in my love,
just as I have kept my Father's commandments
and abide in His love.
These things I have spoken to you
that my joy may be in you,
and that your joy may be full.
This is my commandment, 
that you love one another
as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this,
That someone lay down his life for his friends.
Jn. 15:9-13

I Choose...

I choose...

to put my hope in You today LORD

Thank you that no one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame

I choose...

to trust in You with all my heart

and lean not on my own understanding

Thank You, You will and You do direct my paths

I choose...

to dwell on the good

to remember the joys

to turn my heart and mind away from 

doubts

fears

cynicism about others

I choose...

to capture the negative thoughts

to stop them

to recognize

in so many ways

my memories of the pain, the brokenness and the evil

stop me from seeing and enjoying the good, the delight, the experience

that is here in the now

You came to give 

life to the full

May I rejoice and delight

in every single bit

of life and fullness 

that I see around me

I choose freedom

I choose love

I choose forgiveness

I choose to acknowledge dignity

I choose to laugh

I choose to sing

I choose delight

I choose hope

I choose praise

I choose to give thanks

Thank You, good God, Thank You!

3 Hours of Joy

A week or so ago I, chagrined, realized that was about all I had in me in a day--just 3 hours of joy. I had started the day on a good note. Time with Father before His throne had me in the right perspective. I was joyful and thankful--about life and about and with those around me. But then something happened. I do not remember now what it was, but I reacted to something, or some event led to discouragement and ending the day on a low note.

It happened again yesterday. The first half of the day went very well, and most of the afternoon too, but there were a couple of interactions that did NOT go well. Twice I quickly became impatient with another person. Once I was impatient because they did not understand what I was trying to communicate. Another time because they did not seem to have the 'heart' for others that I thought they should have by now. I did not the heart, nor the expression of the heart into some ideas and actions that could help us in our work.

Is that it? Is that all I can manage in a day? Just 3 hours of joy?

It is not always that bad. Sometimes it is not even that good.

The upside of this process is that it is starting to really sink in for me--what is really needed, what is really most important is becoming very clear. Getting a lot done by the end of the day feels good. Planning and organizing, seeing some things accomplished, progress on projects, etc--all of this feels good, and is nice. However, if in there there is a conflict, an angry reaction, or just a premature reaction that left someone else crushed rather than built up...at the end of the day there will be regret, much sorrow, less energy. It is simply not worth it. 

It is becoming more and more of a priority for me to change. I must grow in these areas. I must develop patience. I must live out grace and peace and love all day every day. These must be formed in me, and the best way I have found to date for these to start happening is so closely related to morning time spent with the LORD--there in the stillness, making my heart be still before Him, bringing before Him the possibilities of the day, listening as He reminds me of the dangers, asking for His guard, being deliberately aware.

And the morning time, is inextricably linked to the night before. Morning will not happen well, if the night before was way past midnight.

Slowly, I think I am learning. Slowly it is sinking in. Slowly change is happening. Lead me, Lord.

(Someday...I just may write a post entitled "Days of Joy" or "Weeks and Weeks of Joy". Yeah!!)

Fight to joy

If there is going to be joy today, I am going to have to fight for it. 

"Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O LORD, I lift up my soul."

--Ps. 86:4

This verse was in the prayer book this morning. "Give me joy, Lord,"--that's what I hear David saying.

And that's what I'm saying.

The burdens--what are they even? Weariness--physical and emotional exhuastion. Relationship issues--not real 'conflict' or anything that tangible and specific that can be 'resolved', but just feeling the hurt of where things are not. Then there are the feelings of frustration--that I haven't got it together yet, and don't know how to. I am behind in so many things. The piles are seriously growing to almost out of control. Is the path we are currently planning for this term one that will help reduce the piles in the future, or is it just more craziness and frustration ahead? Should I put the brakes on some of the plans--now, quick, before it is too late? But would that be just a reaction?  And, then...what would we actually DO?

And so...because of the way I feel...I don't feel joy.

But somehow I believe I should be able to find and live in joy. In spite of all this, there is a God who has not changed. His love and care for me is as real as ever. His promise to direct my paths and care for all that concerns me has not changed. His work in transforming me is still happening--there is hope all around. 

There can be joy, but I am going to have to fight for it. I am going to have to choose it. 

I choose, today, with whatever is left of it... to live in joy.

Peace on Earth

Jesus, Messiah
Peace to this earth
You came to bring

Fill my heart
Fill my life
Continue the transformation
You have begun

Lead me
Lead us all
By Your Light
Out of our darkness

And joy
Fill our lives with your joy
For the journey is long
And hard
As Yours was much more so
But for the joy set before you...
You endured
And finished well

So may we live with joy
And worship
And live with Peace
In Light
So may I live with joy

Joy is BMW

That's what it said--the huge ad on the side of a skyscraper in Bangkok. I did not get to try out a BMW to see if it brought joy, but imagined... Ah, driving a nice car--might be fun, but joy? uh...don't think so.

"A cup of happiness" said the gourmet coffee machine at McDonald's.  Now that I did try. The coffee was okay, but happiness?

Nope, not what I'm looking for when I say I want JOY. 

I want to 
...wake up with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.
...live with a knowing that I am loved, even when trials and opposition comes.
...sing, at least in my heart, even while knowing there is evil all around.
...have conversations where I completely forget myself--where I am completely free to care for and love the other, and completely free to walk away unbound, regardless of their response.

It's an undaunted optimism.
It's a hope in God and His goodness, even when I cannot see.
It's a steadiness in knowing who I am, but not in the eyes of other people.

I want joy, sourced only in my God, to become deeply rooted in my soul, and become one of the main things I am known for.  I am not there yet, but I want to go there.

I thought...

I called it "Enjoying the Journey."  I thought I was.  I thought I did.  I thought I lived a life of choosing joy.  I wanted to.  I really did.

Lately though my journal has said, "Please, Give me back my joy," and I've found myself looking for and lurking at blogs that talk about Recovering Joy.

I re-read earlier posts on this blog.  I like them.  They bring joy...well, some.

So, I am on a quest again.  Perhaps it is still the same quest--a life joyfully lived.  These days I'm quite far it seems.  Joy is hard to come by, harder to choose.  And I find I often ... don't give joy, and then that brings tears, of regret.

But I have a God, I know a Shepherd, who is a giver of joy.  I know a God who loves me no matter what state of success or failure I find myself in.  In it all He finds me, He loves me, and He holds out a hope and a future that I do not know and that I have not yet attained. 

Through this valley, He will guide.  He will not let me go.  

May I be refined.  May I be deeply changed (it is so needed).

And someday, may I live in joy again.

Natural, easy-flowing, contagious, authentic ... joy.