Not quite sure what's going on with me these days.
Two weeks ago I was relieved when a friend on a call answered the "How are you?" with "I'm not really sure." Nice to not be the only one.
Something's not quite right with my heart.
Not sure why I can't seem to lay this stuff down.
Why do I get so frustrated and angry?
What am I holding on to?
What does it mean to love, to go on?
Yes...I've alluded to it above...I have an idea that what is wrong has to do with needing to learn to love (still), and forgiveness (again, still), and ...
I just don't know quite how.
I just don't quite know what to do.
Am I making things too complicated? Maybe, not trying to.
Am I making excuses? Maybe, I hope not.
Am I just resisting? I resist, then I lay it down. I really do not want a heart that harbours bitterness, unforgiveness.
There is a part of me that resists laying it all down because I really think there is something that they need to do, something they need to pay attention to.
But they are not listening. They don't want to know, or respond to my ideas.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. I hope I don't care most about being right.
So...I don't quite know where I am right now with this. And I don't quite know what I'm supposed to be doing with it all.
All I can do is keep bringing it all to Jesus. I keep coming. I keep asking. I keep trying to listen. I keep pondering His words: Abide in me. Abide in my love. To abide is to keep my commandments. My commandment is this: love one another. Love is patient, love is kind...it is not puffed up, it doesn't seek it's own will. Love comes from God.
I keep coming to Jesus. I keep coming to God. I keep coming and asking that He'd pour His love into my heart, and show me the way. I keep choosing to forgive. I keep choosing to learn how to love, to really love.