quitting

What do I do when I realize I hate my job.

Hate? 
Really hate?
Yes, as it is now
The parts that are most demanding and in my face right now
For a while--did better at them
For a while, there were systems
and ways of working together
And I was here more. 
Feeling the pressured of it all

There are too many days
To many times
When all I'm doing is struggling to find hope

Oh, I've been here before, I realize that
I've had other times, where I've come to where I am now
A realization that I need to make some choices
I wish...there were some to talk to about it.
I don't know where to go, who to ask
Those who I've tried....
Doesn't work
We don't get to the crux
I...don't know what to do.

I say I'm a person who doesn't quit
I wonder, sometimes, how long I can go on before I do
How long I can go on feeling like this
Eventually, I won't give a rip
Even seeing no alternative
Anything else is better. 

So...quit what now?
The thought occurs, to quit the counselling program
The idea of just staying home for a month, working on the piles
Being here, while there is no one in the office to ask me to do anything
Is simply wonderful.
Just think of how much I might get done
--on the house
--on the piles I'm behind in

As I sit here...pondering what to quit
(for I must quit something, or I will go insane)
wondering if I should try again to go to bed, 
or have some coffee to add to the mental place
--enter fully into this thought process (it's nearly 2 a.m.)
and somehow cry out for help (yes, faith has changed too, 
hardly know how to ask anymore)
Ideas come
Voices start to speak...through the browsing
Facebook articles...
Maybe it is You God, reaching through...
Let me get that coffee...

The article I found...
Fits with other thoughts I've had recently
The night before heading off to 3 days of retreat at the beginning of the month
I wrote the words "Invitation" in big letters
First page of the journal I bought for that time
Prompted from the beginning of The Shack movie
Jan Johnson ends the article with:
"Please take time to ask God: 
    What are you inviting me into? 
    What is my next step?"
I guess that's my next step...
Asking God these questions
Hoping light will come
Hoping, someday, I'm living in a different space

(Discovered in 'drafts' on May 30, 2018; Now that I have decided to "quit," it feel more okay to write the intense and scary thoughts of that day.)

I'm...Just me

It hit again
That sudden feeling of dismay
(or maybe it was envy?)
I see a good work an organization is doing
And, their organization, and ability to tap into resources
They have so much to offer
They do so many things so well

But me
I'm mostly just full of dreams
And plugging away at little things
That don't really seem to amount to much

Sometimes I wish
That somewhere
Out of the blue
Would drop in
Some people
With amazing abilities
And initiative 
To organize
Plan
Help us make what we have
Available to more people

But...I'm just me
We're just us
Limited
But with dreams
And a bit of stamina
Here we are
Staying in the process
Being formed
Growing
Learning
Hoping, somehow
It will all make a difference

I think it is
I think it has
Sometimes
For some people
I hope it goes deep
Stays
Spreads
I guess it's enough
It'll have to be

Do not despise the day of small things
Who are you to ask or expect to be someone else, or receive a different path? Just walk this one well. Keep learning to walk this one well...

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