Come to me...(again)


"Come to me," You said...again, still.

You reminded me: "I love You"
(Thank You!)

And we have spent these days
I have tried to be still
And yet not as still as I could have been

How still do you have to be anyways?
How clear do I need to see?

God of my journey
God who knows all
There hasn't been time
There isn't space
To explore all
To resolve all
Much just started
Much pondered
(the trees...I will be pondering for days!)
But...it's okay, isn't it?
You will take it from here
You will take me from here
You will continue to guide and lead

This is one thing I do take away
The message of this reading
I read it on day one, and continued to ponder
I read it again today
Each time, tears come


It may be granted, therefore, that we are called to difficult and costly service. Yet have we abundant cause to be satisfied with it, from the sustaining support and consolation provided for its emergencies. All, indeed, may be considered to be included in the single promise, "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the world." The officers he employs, in every age, are entitled to this treasure, as well as those of the first age. Keep your mind believingly attentive to this "always"--

"Lo, I am with you," 
    to qualify and succeed you in whatever work I call you to. 
"Lo, I am with you," 
    to comfort you by my presence and Spirit, when your hearts are
    grieved. 
"Lo, I am with you," 
    to defend and strengthen you in trials, though all men forsake you. 

While he stands with you, there can be no just cause for fear or faintness. You need no other encouragement. This you shall never want, if you continue faithful: and thereupon you may conclude, "The Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me until his heavenly kingdom."
--Daniel Williams as quoted in On the Ministerial Office
(A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants, pp.382-383)

Something's wrong

Something is wrong
But I don't know what
Something is
   unsettled
   not at peace
   not at home
   wandering
   searching
   seeking
   yearning
   not satisfied
   lacking joy
   lacking enthusiasm

Maybe it is the accumulation...of life
   things unresolved
   questions unanswered
   wonderings
   discomfort at my many failings

Jesus,
I'm arranging some time
Clearing away the noise
To meet with You
To focus in
To come and hear
Please
Meet me in that time
Speak deeply to my soul
Remind me again of Your love
Show me...whatever I need to see
And strengthen me again
In whatever way it is needed
For the future, the journey, that only You know

Satisfy

Nothing to feed me here
Or nothing to feed the distraction
The sense of meaning
The false sense of meaning?

And yet I am hungry
Searching
Wanting
Yearning
For affirmation
Attention
Something that tells me...

I've cut off the sources
And now I'm left wandering

Places I've looked for comfort, encouragement
Are gone now

I'm left yearning...

I look to You
I try to look to You
Wondering if You really will
If You really do
Satisfy

In a sense I know You do
In a sense I know that only You do
But it feels like
It has been so long

How does it work anyway
Do You, in Yourself alone
Meet all of our needs
Just in You alone
Or do You meet some
Through people
Through relationships

Probably both

And yet people fail
You say You won't

Even with You...

Is it a sign of idolatry
Or just a sign of
Being a normal human being
(Something I have probably never been)
To desire connection
To thrive with healthy connection
But then...have I ever had enough of that either

Turning

A slow turning
Turning back to God
To fixing my mind and heart on God

Yes it's slow
Very slow

Help me God 

Stripping and Building

Stripping down
Throwing away
Breaking through
The junk and clutter

Things have accumulated
In all parts of my world
Physical--paper clutter, piles, old electronics
Mental--questions, wonderings
Emotional--confusing relationships and obligations
Virtual--too many connections, options, places to run
More than I can even identify

I'm stripping down
Clarifying
Closing down
Cleaning out
Throwing away

A lightness comes
A hope
A sense of living in the present

It's not done
I must continue
For there is much to be cleared away
And if I don't continue
The piles will return
To clutter
And drag down again

But as I strip away
I'm also aware of barrenness, emptiness
There are areas needing
Support, repair, or brand new additions
There is need to build
Physical--awnings for the cages, air con repairs, shelves
Mental--a plan, order
Emotional--strengthen life-giving relationships
Virtual--more intentionality

There was need to build before this stripping
And even more after
For what will fill the emptiness?

I've wasted too much time bogged down
How can I strip down and build up
For a life that will go the distance
Accomplishing the task
Faithfully running the race
Lighter
With more joy


Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, 
let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, 
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  
looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, 
who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, 
despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, 
so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.  
--Heb. 12:1-3
 

He withholds no good thing from us

There is a theme that came today.

First a Scripture reading included this:
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things.
 Ps. 81:10b

Then a song recommendation--"Open My Hands" by Sara Groves
Which refers to this verse:
The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
Ps. 84:10b

And I am stopped
Stunned
Sharing it with friends...I could hardly say it

I know I need to come before You
And find a way to believe it
First, am I walking uprightly?
If yes,
Then I can trust
You will withhold no good thing from me

The song...it's a song of paradox, a song that calls out faith

Some of the lyrics:
    I believe in a blessing I don't understand...
    Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
    He withholds no good thing from us

    ...
    Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
    He withholds no good thing from us

    ...
    I believe in a fountain that will never dry
    Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
    Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
    He withholds no good thing from us

So...will I?
Will I do this?
    I will open my hands will open my heart
    I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
    To all that You have for me

Funny, the lyrics I first copied over here have this line in the chorus:
    I will show up and play the smallest part
Which actually is not in the song
But I like it...

I know I can "show up" and play my part
But can I do it with joy?
With confidence?
With expectancy?
With a knowing that You
Really will
Withhold no good thing from me?
Whatever I receive
Or don't receive
You are not withholding any good thing from me
You are filling my "mouth," my life
With good things
Many good things...



Lyrics:

I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing, no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

CHORUS:
I will open my hands will open my heart
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

CHORUS

No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us

CHORUS
 

Waiting...

It hurts so much
I couldn't have imagined this pain
Do I regret having come here?
Almost

Do I want to stay open for more pain?
Like this?
Not really 

But...
I don't know the end of the story
And, are there are some endings for which I would say,
"Yes, the pain is worth it"?
Probably

In the end
Can it be not about "pain"
or "endings"
But about how You led?

If I could hear You
If I know You are in this
If I know that I'm responding to Your direction
Then I can (maybe, hopefully!) trust
That it is part of Your forming
Your shaping
Even...
Your blessing

I'm not hearing You much or very well these days
I'm not sensing, or feeling much Your presence
It's nicer
It's easier
When I do
But I've learned my feelings are not the truth
Whether or not I feel
I can choose to trust
I choose to remember Your promises

You are here
You are guiding
You've promised to not let my foot slip
Could it be You are guiding even now,
Even when it feels like I'm slipping all over the place?
It could be

And so I wait...

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