Torn

It's that feeling again

Of being ripped apart

Having life to live 

And people I love

   on two sides of the ocean

I like each of the places

   when I am there

I can be excited about the other place

   when I think of it

And yet the leaving is hard

And seems to get harder

It's inevitable I guess

Unless I were to

   disengage my heart

Come to me...(again)

"Come to me," You said...again, still.

You reminded me: "I love You"
(Thank You!)

And we have spent these days
I have tried to be still
And yet not as still as I could have been

How still do you have to be anyways?
How clear do I need to see?

God of my journey
God who knows all
There hasn't been time
There isn't space
To explore all
To resolve all
Much just started
Much pondered
(the trees...I will be pondering for days!)
But...it's okay, isn't it?
You will take it from here
You will take me from here
You will continue to guide and lead

This is one thing I do take away
The message of this reading
I read it on day one, and continued to ponder
I read it again today
Each time, tears come


It may be granted, therefore, that we are called to difficult and costly service. Yet have we abundant cause to be satisfied with it, from the sustaining support and consolation provided for its emergencies. All, indeed, may be considered to be included in the single promise, "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the world." The officers he employs, in every age, are entitled to this treasure, as well as those of the first age. Keep your mind believingly attentive to this "always"--

"Lo, I am with you," 
    to qualify and succeed you in whatever work I call you to. 
"Lo, I am with you," 
    to comfort you by my presence and Spirit, when your hearts are
    grieved. 
"Lo, I am with you," 
    to defend and strengthen you in trials, though all men forsake you. 

While he stands with you, there can be no just cause for fear or faintness. You need no other encouragement. This you shall never want, if you continue faithful: and thereupon you may conclude, "The Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me until his heavenly kingdom."
--Daniel Williams as quoted in On the Ministerial Office
(A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants, pp.382-383)

Strengthen Me

Oh sometimes I would just love to be strong
Strong to not hurt
Strong to not fear
Strong to feel able to face the day

You do offer strengthening
You promise to strengthen those who wait on You
I can ask
And You will give
Strength

But it doesn't mean I won't hurt
It doesn't mean I will not fear
It doesn't mean I will feel able to face the day

The lack of fear
And feeling able to face things
Those will come by my choosing to trust
Choosing to believe Your promises

As for hurting--that's just gonna happen!

How to be strong:  
14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, 15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 21 Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.
(Eph. 3:14-21, NLT)

There is much strengthening available 
    through His Spirit, 
    by His love, 
    through living in His love. 
This is the strength I need. 
This is the kind of "strong" others need from me
This is the kind of "strong" I need to be

Strengthen me, LORD, for this day, for the tasks at hand, strengthen me in Your love, by Your Spirit. Make Your home in my heart as I trust in You.

Where?

This is what I was asking
Where am I today Lord
Who am I
And...where are You

Where have I gone
Where have I been
How did I get there
But really, most important
How do I get back

Back...to...
Connected
To You

"Lost" seems a good way to describe this feeling
Uncertain
Unsure

Have I so lost myself in my many distractions
That I've lost complete sight of You
Gone too far away to hear Your voice
To know Your whisper

What I need most is Your perspective on life
Your eyes to see
Your ears
Your heart
To know Your love for me
And Your instruction
To know "we're good"

But I can't tell
I can't hear

Still, there was this sense
I don't like this feeling
But after all this time
I still know
No matter how it feels
You are still carrying me
And...that's kind of nice

And then I remembered
Jesus, they were spitting on Your face
and there You were, loving them
Only someone with a love like that,
Can I trust to love me to the end

And then I read
Ps. 32:10-11 (NIV) 

¹⁰ Many are the woes of the wicked,

    but the Lord’s unfailing love
    surrounds the one who trusts in him.

¹¹ Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;
    sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Rom. 8:31-39 (NIV)

 ³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ...³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And then I knew

To my question, "Where am I?"

Your answer

    I'm in the middle of Your love,

    You are surrounding me

    Holding me

These struggles don't mean I'm away from Your love

In fact,

You are interceding for me in them

Thank You!

The one You love

I was so happy to see her today. I've missed her. I was gone for two months, but now, back for more than one month, I still hadn't seen her, and was a little concerned...until today.

I was talking to the boy, trying to get a response, trying to care, and suddenly she was there. She had left her bamboo pole with boxes of chickens tied to either end and came running over to greet me. I was so glad to see her.

And she looked good--a shorter hair cut, she's coloured it too--some highlights. And clothes--dressed quite modern, and attractive. Was that her doing, or is someone taking care of her? I still need to get out to her home sometime, meet her family, find out what goes on, if anything is needed.

She made me laugh again today. Out of the blue she says funny stuff. As she was bubbling along about her plans, wanting me to come visit--either her place, or this place that is being built high up on a hill (true or not, I have no clue), she said, "Give me your phone number and I'll give you a call." I asked, "Do you have a phone?"  "I'll buy one and call you," she quickly replied. Funny. I burst out laughing. (And I remember the other times she's made me laugh--eating a sausage stick, "It tastes like dog." "Do you like dog?" I ask. "I've never had dog," is her response. Go figure! Then, noticing the other ladies dressed so nice--they were dressed nice, and we weren't, because "they have boyfriends," and we didn't--I guess boyfriends buy you nice clothes.)

I'm somewhat amazed at what I feel for this woman. I think it is how You feel--Your love for this woman, Your enjoyment of her, even though she is...how can I even say? She is who she is. Yeah, sometimes she doesn't make sense. Sometimes she rants on and on. I don't know what the issues were that initiated the fights I've seen her in, or seen the results of. Perhaps it was mostly the other person's impatience when she wouldn't cooperate with their situation. And, she can be annoying, she can come and inconvenience your plans--I've had that happen too. I have no clue which parts of what she says are true, which are false--that her husband died and that her children are not with her, yes, I believe that part is true. The rest...I don't know.

But I love this woman. I consider her a friend. When I don't see her for a while, I wonder how she's doing, look for her, pray for her.

Funny how she spouts off about You sometimes too. Sometimes it is crazy stuff. Sometimes there are bits of truth. Today she said she asks You to help her plant the corn, help it grow.  

And I ask You to continue to help her mind, help her stay calm, or...protect her when she isn't. When she's struggling, please provide her with people who will care and understand. And Lord, if there's anything else You want me to do, please show me.

Unfailing Love

Praise the Lord...

The unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth.
Ps. 33:2, 5 NLT

I will praise
I will keep looking for this love of Yours
That fills the earth
I will look for it
I will expect to find it

Where is Your love?
How can I see it?
I see it easily in acts of kindness
Justice and righteousness

Sometimes I see the beauty of Your creation
But I don't quite get the connection
Between creation, and love
Teach me Lord
Show me
Help me discover
Bring to mind the verses
The truths
That will help me see and remember
Each day
That Your love surrounds me

The day is dreary
Clouds cover the sky
But above the clouds
There is a blue sky
And a warm sun
Your sun shines
Your rain falls
On all creation
Both the righteous and the unrighteous
Maybe this is how the earth 
Is full of Your love

Winter comes
Death
But so comes spring
And new life
My Christmas cactus
Shows that sometimes beauty
And life
Is born out of 
Darkness and cold
And hardship
Is this also Your love
Filling the earth

I will praise
I will keep looking for this love of Yours
That fills the earth
I will look for it
I will expect to find it
 

Every day

Every day I must come again
Learn again
Start over again

Somehow
Every day
I must remember again
That You love me
That Your plans are good

Somehow
Every day
I must find myself
Once again
Rooted in You
Established in Your love
Trusting You

Why do I forget
How can I remember
What goes wrong
That I so quickly despair
That my heart is so quickly unsettled

Today again
I come
I choose
Once again
To put my hope in Your unfailing love
To look to You
To look for You
To rest in You

Thank You
Today
Again
You will be faithful to me
For You have never forsaken
Those who put their trust 
In Your unfailing love

Remember Your Love

How do I forget so easily

How can I STOP forgetting

How can I learn to constantly remember

That You really do love me

Your love

It’s everything

My joy

My hope

My purpose in living

It’s what I have

The only thing I have

To share with anyone

It’s the only reason

I can face anyone

Face the world

In spite of my failure and shortcomings

And You have proven Your love

Again and again

In history

In the countless times and ways

You have whispered it to my soul

In the ways You have

Provided

And guided

All the days of my life

So why do I doubt

Why do I forget

How can I stop forgetting

It came slamming at me this morning

In the resistance I felt to that prayer

Resisting the “giving You everything”

Only “Your love and Your grace”

As enough

Ah, it disturbed me

What I saw inside my heart

Thankfully

You showed me again

It didn’t take long

A simple review

A trip down memory lane

Revisiting things You’ve said

Along this journey

And everything changed

As I remember Your great love for me

Your promises to be with me always

How You have never broken that promise

You have never give me reason to doubt You

And yet I forget so quickly

Oh, I’m sorry Lord

How can I remember

How can I keep remembering

Somehow…

I think “contemplating the love of God”

Needs to become a part of my morning ritual

Every day

And then I need to revisit during the day

And in examen at night

Until my life is so formed by it

Until I am so utterly filled with joy

Unshakeable joy

Overflowing joy

How do I love You?

You say I must love You with all my heart and soul and mind and strength. This has been my meditation for the past two days, and numerous times in the past as well. But...how do I love You?

Last week, coming home on a bus, after a busy weekend, pondering the ways You had once again provided, once again shown me I did not need to fret... As I gazed on the beauty around me, from my heart welled an, "Ah, I love You God."  It doesn't happen for me like that very often--that feeling welling up, that immediate awareness...but does that mean I don't love You those other times?

The second command, is like the first, I must love my neighbour as myself. I think, when I love my neighbour, I'm loving You, and sometimes maybe I can see how to do this one better than the first, yet I'm often horrible at this one too.

I loved her last night, but it was You in me loving her. That I noticed her, went over and put my arm around her, wanted to talk with her, even though it was late...I don't know why, I think it was You. The 'crazy lady' ...but she was "in her right mind" last night, easier than usual to talk to her and be with her. And then I noticed her hand, or maybe it was You that noticed--the infection in the wound, and though it was late, we did the hot salt-water compresses, then antibiotic ointment and bandage. It was You loving her and me loving You as I loved "the least of these". How is it me loving You when it is first You loving me and compelling love?

So...how do I love You?

Today I remembered a Misty Edwards song, and in looking for that one, found an even better one: "Simple Devotion". Ah, this I can do...maybe this is my love for You.

Over and over and over and over again

I will stir up my soul to lay hold of You

Over and over and over and over again

I will stir up my soul to lay hold of that

which I cannot comprehend

...

this is my simple devotion

my walk of faith, day by day

All I can do...is to keep coming, attempting to "stir up my soul to lay hold of You", and ...You receive it. This song--You looking "over the balcony of heaven," is that how excited You get, over my feeble attempts at loving You? But, from the beginning to the end, it is You that compels and completes it, so...how is it me loving You?  How do I love You?

In this lifetime Lord, may I learn to love You.

Misty Edwards
Simple Devotion (Listen and watch here)

Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul to lay hold of You
Over and over and over and over again
I will stir up my soul to lay hold of
That which I cannot comprehend
Over and over and over and over again
Over and over and over and over again

And then I'll just lean into sovereignty
I'll embrace a mystery
And I'll just rest in You
As I bathe in truth
Over and over and over and over again
This is my simple devotion
My walk of faith, day by day
Over and over and over and over again

And then I hear You say
As You gaze over the balcony of heaven
I hear You say as You peer through the lattice of time
I hear You say as You stand in heaven
I hear You say as You rejoice over me
"O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
Through that dark night of faith
She is gazing at Me!
O Angels! O Angels! Look and see!
Through that cloud of unknowing
She's gazing at Me!
And You have ravished My heart
My sister, My bride
With one glance of your eye!"
Over and over and over and over again..."

Can I trust my life to God? (Remembering the Journey)

(Remembering the Journey--written August 11, 2012)

God
Can I trust that You love me
Can I trust that You are on my side
that it is good
and for my good
even if You are disciplining me
Trying to show me better ways to live

I keep getting so mad
So frustrated
"but..." "but..."
What if they...
What about that...it was so wrong
It hurt so much
What if
What if it happens again

Can I really just lay it all down
Leave myself open and vulnerable
and love

If only I could lose sight of self
Of caring whether or not I 
   get it right
   make a contribution
   am useful

It means laying down
All hopes and dreams
All plans
All direction
All expectation of outcomes
All hopes for friendship
Allies for the journey


And it means
The risk of 
being so lost
so unsure
even more than I already am


If somehow I could know You
If I could be really close to You
I think I could do it
I think it could happen
I think I could know that freedom

And maybe even learn to love
Despite pain

I really don't know how You did it Jesus
Please show me


"I don't even know how to be Christian." That's one thought that went through my head not long ago. The most basic and essential stuff, like LOVE--I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to love. Lots of times I don't even want to love, except at a cerebral level that still, somehow allows me to pray "God, help me to want to want to love" and the "Please, pour out Your love into my heart" (hey, there is hope there--He does say that He does this)--only God can enable me to love like He does.

And I think this is about trust too. Can I really trust my life to God? Oh I know I can and I will and I do, and I've been here many times before and made the decision to trust. But I'm here again, realizing ways I need to trust.


"Remembering the Journey"--posts discovered in 'drafts'. Posted now for me to remember...remember the journey...where we have been, where He has brought me...

Healing Love

Is this how it is then
Just one long, never-ending journey
Growing deeper into Your love
Finding that the healing needed
Goes deeper still

For those who barely or don't yet know You
I so often see their need
And know it is You--

He needs Your powerful, unconditional love
You, Your love can
   Heal the wounds of childhood
   Give him the safety he lacks
   Free him from his over-sensitivity
   Give him confidence
   Enable him to become who he was meant to be

Your Love is what she needs
   To free her from the self-deception
   Thinking that comments of others don't affect
   When they do

They need You
And yet
So many more years down the road of knowing Your love
I, too, am just beginning

Does it mean I don't yet know Your love?
That I have not yet received and been healed and freed by your love?
That I don't yet live in Your love?

No...
I do
I have
I know and am living in Your love

Yet the need goes so much deeper
And Your love is so much grander

There are parts of my soul not yet touched
Not yet awakened

Here I am Jesus
Again
Still
On this journey
Of finding You
Of seeing You
Of seeking You

Show me, teach me, of Your love
Teach me to receive
And to live in Your love

Work the healing for now
And the healing to come

Thank You
this love
You
Forever, this journey   

I Choose...

I choose...

to put my hope in You today LORD

Thank you that no one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame

I choose...

to trust in You with all my heart

and lean not on my own understanding

Thank You, You will and You do direct my paths

I choose...

to dwell on the good

to remember the joys

to turn my heart and mind away from 

doubts

fears

cynicism about others

I choose...

to capture the negative thoughts

to stop them

to recognize

in so many ways

my memories of the pain, the brokenness and the evil

stop me from seeing and enjoying the good, the delight, the experience

that is here in the now

You came to give 

life to the full

May I rejoice and delight

in every single bit

of life and fullness 

that I see around me

I choose freedom

I choose love

I choose forgiveness

I choose to acknowledge dignity

I choose to laugh

I choose to sing

I choose delight

I choose hope

I choose praise

I choose to give thanks

Thank You, good God, Thank You!

All I can do...

Not quite sure what's going on with me these days.
Two weeks ago I was relieved when a friend on a call answered the "How are you?" with "I'm not really sure." Nice to not be the only one.

Something's not quite right with my heart.
Not sure why I can't seem to lay this stuff down.
Why do I get so frustrated and angry?
What am I holding on to?
What does it mean to love, to go on?

Yes...I've alluded to it above...I have an idea that what is wrong has to do with needing to learn to love (still), and forgiveness (again, still), and ... 

I'm trying.

I just don't know quite how.

I just don't quite know what to do.

Am I making things too complicated? Maybe, not trying to.
Am I making excuses? Maybe, I hope not.
Am I just resisting? I resist, then I lay it down. I really do not want a heart that harbours bitterness, unforgiveness.

There is a part of me that resists laying it all down because I really think there is something that they need to do, something they need to pay attention to.

But they are not listening. They don't want to know, or respond to my ideas.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. I hope I don't care most about being right.

So...I don't quite know where I am right now with this. And I don't quite know what I'm supposed to be doing with it all.

All I can do is keep bringing it all to Jesus. I keep coming. I keep asking. I keep trying to listen. I keep pondering His words: Abide in me. Abide in my love. To abide is to keep my commandments. My commandment is this: love one another. Love is patient, love is kind...it is not puffed up, it doesn't seek it's own will. Love comes from God.

I keep coming to Jesus. I keep coming to God. I keep coming and asking that He'd pour His love into my heart, and show me the way. I keep choosing to forgive. I keep choosing to learn how to love, to really love.

Jesus...

Sad, but not Bitter

I've been waiting before the Lord. I've been wondering what is wrong, why it is so hard to lay this down. Is it unforgiveness, or just that trust has not yet been rebuilt? Or is it simply a big pile of disappointment? In this process, and as I posted earlier, I am struggling to love, or to know if I'm loving. My emotions don't feel much like "love", yet in my actions, I can choose to do good, and, well, is this not in itself love?

I've also wondered if it is grief, or a grief process, as an era comes to an end. This is the explanation that makes most sense at this point.

Last week I deliberately chose to not follow the through-the-year reading plan I'm on, and over and over encounter, dwell in, 1 Cor. 13, and 1 John--asking the Lord to speak to my soul and lead me in the way of love.

On one quiet afternoon, I ended the silent time listening to a few songs (mostly to silence and not be irritated by the conversations starting up downstairs), the conversation between my Lord and I became much deeper, much closer. 

And it was as if I heard Him say, "You can be sad, but not bitter."

Yes, this I know. I cannot let bitterness form and take root. I must not let my heart be hard. This I know, but hearing Him say it was deeply affirming.

I wonder how much longer I will cry. I wonder when I might see this set of circumstances with more clarity. I wonder when I will be certain that it really isn't lack of forgiveness, only sadness or disappointment in my heart. And I wonder when the sadness and disappointment will fade into history and lose their bite.

Until then, sad is okay, but not bitter. I will seek to discern the difference in the taste, and allow the one, but spit out the other.

Found Wanting...

Not quite sure what to make of this aching in my heart. Not quite sure of what sort of healing needs to happen, or why it's hurt for so long. Not even sure that I'm sure of the nature of the pain. Is it ... or is it...? 

Maybe the hurt is just that...it is not what I expected. I guess I wanted some sort of reward, some sort of something that said it was all worth it, some sort of "thank you." Funny, there has been "thank you" but I don't believe it. The actions don't seem to match. Or else my heart is just hard.

Maybe it's not so much about forgiveness, or trust, but about laying down "rights". (Maybe that is what forgiveness is too.) No rights. I follow a Master who laid aside His, but wow do I cling to mine, petty though they are.

When will I learn--to give and serve for nothing, and when it really is nothing, to still love, still bless, not resent.

I'm in the test of my love--tested, weighed in the balance...and found wanting. 

Jesus, ravish this heart of mine with the love of Yours. Melt the ice, break the walls, crush the stone. I don't want to live petty and small, but can't seem to break free to livng out Your spacious, magnanimous grace and mercy.

For this day...

I have known it before in other areas, but now I am realizing it is includes everything. I have known that for each new day I need to come and pray, and receive strength and wisdom and insight from the LORD. I cannot rely on yesterday's insight, or past wisdom. Oh yes, the lessons from the past will be useful still, but they must come of a fresh, living, and daily renewed spring of life.

But only a couple of days ago did it sink in in relation to another lesson I am learning. I also need His love each day. Each day I must come to Him and ask and pray for the love He has for others to fill my heart anew, for I find, I cannot love on my own.

Actually, it is not about each day, it is needed each moment. Moving it to each day thinking and prayer, helps move me more to each moment abiding...

So, LORD, in this day, for this day--I ask You to lead and guide. May may heart, my spirit, be completely open to, filled with, and led by Yours! For those You have given me--thank You. Thank you for [each one named], bless them LORD. And ... love...may I see each one and love each one the way You do. I loved them last week...several times I saw my heart--hardness, criticism, memories of past faults--with the potential to not love, and brought it to You. Last week I loved. Last week I You poured out Your love in my heart by Your Spirit. Today, again, I ask for Your love to fill me. In Jesus' name I ask. Thank You. You hear, You will do what I have asked in Jesus' name.

Not sure what love is

I'm not sure if I know what love is
Or... rather 
I'm not sure if I know how to love
Do I
Have I ever loved
Is love a feeling
It's easy to feel love for...
those who love me
those who return my acts of love or affection
those who are needy
those who seem to receive and grow and benefit from what I have done for them
those who are thankful

But anybody can "love" people in those categories
I find myself thinking
It kind of stinks that I'm supposed to keep loving now
Now with things the way they are
Here, now, is the test of my love

How do I know what is love, or how to love?

I suspect
...it has not much to do with how I feel 
(probably shouldn't expect some warm fuzzies at this point)
...maybe holding back from saying some things I want to say to cause pain--that is probably an act of love--this I can do
...maybe praying for the situation, even though it hurts like crap that I haven't been invited into it, yep...that is probably love

I thought I knew what love is
I thought I wanted to learn
Sometimes, I find I don't
But then again, I do
For there is this Love that draws me
That has taken over my life
I want to learn, be changed by, and give
That same sort of Love
Yet, as I enter the process
I start to learn
Just how high and long and deep and wide that love really is
Far higher than mine
and so I sink into His
and learn to live mine


--Reflections from January 2011