So many people, so many places, often very difficult, but much to learn. I look up, listen, ask for wisdom, strength, courage, and love for today's trek.
It's incredible, and eerie
The similarities between today
And Feb. 5, 2015
And the only reason I notice
Is it connects to the same one person
(that I rarely connect with)
And today I've reviewed what I wrote then.
Yes, both times around a person, the same person
someone--these are the only two times of contact in this year Then it seemed You brought him to mind
As I was in a time of praying and seeking
And You wanted me to ask him
To invite him to come work with us
For the guys
And I did
Well, I tried to
But I did my part
I sent a message
Tried to connect on the phone
He didn't want to talk it seemed
Brushed it of
Sent a text message saying someone else would explain
But today we talked
Yesterday he had sent a text message saying he wanted to
And I've heard about Your leading
And that he will come
And this is a great encouragement
This is a time of great joy
Or...it should be
But at the same time Today
I've come to the end of myself
Almost despairing
Around other things
And the inability to move forward
And pain
And frustration
And I stumbled on
Something else I wrote Then
Yes, almost despairing
Not knowing how to go forward
Feeling utterly alone
Is this...just simply part of the battle?
Is this what battle looks like?
On one hand, the fight, the push
For this person, to grow, move forward
And step into blessing others
And the fight within me
Is it that the enemy comes to discourage at this time?
Why? Just to make it harder?
Does he think I'm going to quit? Or give up?
I'm not. That's not going to work
Or maybe His effectiveness is in throwing up a smoke screen
Or sand in the eyes
Distracting the focus
Decreasing effectiveness
Time wasted for lack of seeing what is happening
And energetically responding
I need to remember this...the thoughts that came after seeing and re-posting this picture and quote.
My initial thoughts:
I need to remember this, KEEP remembering this.
THEN I thought...
Hey wait, no I don't. I don't do this anyways! I don't "limit [my] vision based on [my] current resources." I consistently pursue vision beyond my resources. My problem is that I later get discouraged when the getting there is long, when I can't figure out how to get to the realization of the vision. What's up with that?
Hmm...Maybe how I need to rephrase this is.
"Remember, you didn't choose/set your vision based on resources currently available to you. You're going to need to keep trusting God, learning, pressing forward--for a long, long time! Don't be discouraged. Don't give up. When you fall flat on your face, take a breather if you need to, figure out what went wrong, get the help you need, learn how to do better, but then, get up and keep going. (And don't mope, and don't complain either!)."
Ha! Mine is a little more wordy and a little less pithy than Michael Hyatt's, but...it's probably more what I need to hear. I like it! Thanks Michael Hyatt for helping me process this!
I was amazed, three days ago, to be in a rough place myself, yet sensing the Lord tell me that a friend was struggling--to reach out, and ask, encourage. It turns out, she was struggling, really struggling. The next day, I was moved by the pain and struggle of another, and led to some tangible and specific ways to help, that really did help in the end. And then this became good for me too, to know His leading me, even in the midst of my own struggle... and even there, in the absence of sensing His presence, ah, starting to note His presence. Mysterious, the way He works, the way He draws, the way He reminds.
I need to spend some time with You today Lord, "working around the hole of my pain" (an idea from Nouwen, see below). The pain, the emptiness...it's been calling out to me, with various reminders. And I'm tempted to run, and I've been busying myself in other places distracting myself, but it's always there. I need to come to You with it. I need to look at it, really look. Jesus, can we walk into it together?
We walk toward, You're holding my hand. I point and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You Here it is Lord It hurts So much...
Work Around Your Abyss There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.
Since the hole is is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.
Which is it?
I know it's both
But how can that be?
They are so opposed
How can you, at the same time, require both?
How can, how does... a cross become an easy yoke?
(From reflections on my readings...one day I read a portion of Matt. 10, and there was the call to "take up your cross," and to die daily. The next day I read the end of Matt. 11, where Jesus says to come to Him for rest, and that His yoke is easy.)
So, what would please You?
What would be a fair return
On this day You have given?
This day
Or any day
Not long ago I was thinking I want another parable
That one didn't work for me
You know the one
Five or two or one talent
Five and two were invested
And got a 100% return
One was buried, and returned zero
All or nothing?
Those the only options?
Was there ever anyone
Who received five
But only invested two or three?
What do You say to that?
I wondered
What if they received five
And didn't really know what to do with it
In the end, some turned out to be poor investments
You say
You gave as they were able
So...they would know?
It often feels like
You gave way more than I can handle
And I don't know where to turn
So I bury
Well...
Don't completely bury
Some is good
Yesterday that question Do you believe that God is pleased with you? That He delights in you? And if He is, how does that change what I think are my responsibilities?
Are You pleased?
With what?
Anytime?
All day, every day?
No matter what I do?
I doubt it
So...
What does please You?
What would please You?
I think I have some answers
Is it okay to ask for...
More specific?
Wrestling
Balking
Fighting
At this weight
These chains
These ropes
Wrapped
Twisted
Binding
Uselessness
How am I supposed to do this task
With this ropes so wrapped
Can You not first free
Before requiring action
You asked me to do this thing
Why does it feel like, look like
All my efforts are useless
Will I forever feel
So inadequate
So ill-prepared
So ill-fit
For all that I am to do
Echoing in my head
Song lyrics: Have you cursed at the wind
Have you cried to the heavens Have you fought with this mercy you don't understand
I don't know if it's "mercy" I don't understand
But I don't understand
And, yes, I'm crying to the heavens
...and fighting
Struggling...
Perhaps the bonds are of my own making
Perhaps they are chains of my own thinking
Perhaps there is something integral
Related to ME
That has to be cut away
Discarded
Before I can be free
(Like Eustace, stuck in the dragon body...)
I await
Your ripping
Tearing
Cutting
Bringing freedom
I believe, I trust
You are here
Thought it feels like darkness closing in
I resonate with most of this:
Lord, I know not what I ought to ask of thee; Thou only knowest what I need... I simply present myself before thee, I open my heart to thee. Behold my needs which I know not myself. Smite, or heal; Depress me, or raise me up; I adore all thy purposes without knowing them; I am silent; I offer myself in sacrifice; I yield myself to thee; I would have no other desire than to accomplish thy Will. Teach me to pray. Pray thyself in me. Amen --Francois Fenelon
The high demands of following Jesus
Being like Him--in sacrifice, generosity, discipline, etc
(another reading today)
Do not inspire today
Only seem... far beyond my reach
Today I fall on Your mercy
Your grace
Knowing You still receive
Even if all I can do is crawl
Or lay flat on my face
Here
Flat on my face
Rain comes
Your touch soothes
How do you do it?
Where do you find the strength?
How do you sustain and support yourself out there
So far from the trunk
No external support
You started out pointed down, but then grew up
What sort of internal dynamics or structure
Enable
Support
Insist
That you continue to point up
That you must reach up
You will continue to grow up
If you can
Then there must be a way I can
Extended
Reaching
Far from visible and obvious support
But strengthened from within
Created to endure
And thrive
And keep reaching up
And going forward
We need to talk
Well, we have been talking
Maybe You've been talking to me
Maybe I've heard some things
I think I have
Maybe I haven't heard what You've really wanted me to hear
Maybe I haven't been listening
But...
I think things are coming to a climax here
Or they need to
I need to hear... more
Something has to change
Maybe... I sense...
In the end there will be
Some sort of
newer way
or deeper level
of trusting You
There must be
There needs to be
Somehow, some way Something needs to change
Really change
Please, can You break through to me here?
Can You say something really loud and clear?
Something that will give clarity, direction
and hope
for this next season
for today
We need to talk
or rather
I need to hear Really need to hear
Please speak
Please break through
Strengthen my heart, my soul
For this journey
That has somehow become
Harder than ever
Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!
I. Chr. 16:11, ESV
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
Nothing to feed me here
Or nothing to feed the distraction
The sense of meaning
The false sense of meaning?
And yet I am hungry Searching Wanting Yearning For affirmation Attention Something that tells me...
I've cut off the sources
And now I'm left wandering
Places I've looked for comfort, encouragement
Are gone now
I'm left yearning...
I look to You
I try to look to You
Wondering if You really will
If You really do
Satisfy
In a sense I know You do
In a sense I know that only You do
But it feels like
It has been so long
How does it work anyway
Do You, in Yourself alone
Meet all of our needs
Just in You alone
Or do You meet some
Through people
Through relationships
Probably both
And yet people fail
You say You won't
Even with You...
Is it a sign of idolatry
Or just a sign of
Being a normal human being
(Something I have probably never been)
To desire connection
To thrive with healthy connection
But then...have I ever had enough of that either
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things.
Ps. 81:10b
Then a song recommendation--"Open My Hands" by Sara Groves
Which refers to this verse:
The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
Ps. 84:10b
And I am stopped
Stunned
Sharing it with friends...I could hardly say it
I know I need to come before You
And find a way to believe it
First, am I walking uprightly?
If yes,
Then I can trust You will withhold no good thing from me
The song...it's a song of paradox, a song that calls out faith
Some of the lyrics: I believe in a blessing I don't understand... Rain is no measure of his faithfulness He withholds no good thing from us
... Pain is no measure of his faithfulness He withholds no good thing from us
... I believe in a fountain that will never dry Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness He withholds no good thing from us
So...will I?
Will I do this? I will open my hands will open my heart I am nodding my head an emphatic yes To all that You have for me
Funny, the lyrics I first copied over here have this line in the chorus: I will show up and play the smallest part
Which actually is not in the song
But I like it...
I know I can "show up" and play my part
But can I do it with joy?
With confidence?
With expectancy?
With a knowing that You
Really will
Withhold no good thing from me?
Whatever I receive
Or don't receive
You are not withholding any good thing from me
You are filling my "mouth," my life
With good things
Many good things...
Lyrics:
I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing, no good thing from us
I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS:
I will open my hands will open my heart
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS
No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us
It hurts so much I couldn't have imagined this pain Do I regret having come here? Almost
Do I want to stay open for more pain? Like this? Not really But... I don't know the end of the story And, are there are some endings for which I would say, "Yes, the pain is worth it"? Probably In the end Can it be not about "pain" or "endings" But about how You led?
If I could hear You If I know You are in this If I know that I'm responding to Your direction Then I can (maybe, hopefully!) trust That it is part of Your forming Your shaping Even... Your blessing I'm not hearing You much or very well these days I'm not sensing, or feeling much Your presence It's nicer It's easier When I do But I've learned my feelings are not the truth Whether or not I feel I can choose to trust I choose to remember Your promises
You are here You are guiding You've promised to not let my foot slip Could it be You are guiding even now, Even when it feels like I'm slipping all over the place? It could be And so I wait...
