Who will go...

Who will go into the pain
Who will go and sit
    where there is death
    where there is brokenness
    where there is helplessness
    where there are no answers

Who will be there when they
Come crawling for help?
Bring their dead?

Who will listen
maybe there is
    help He wants to give
    a solution
    healing

Who will
    give the help
    do what needs to be done
    say the words

Who will go there
and not hold back

Who will be
Jesus
in those situations
Not running from
    the uncertainty
    the risk of spectacle
    the consequences
    the personal cost
 
Jesus, forgive me. I have held back. Sometimes, I have been so unwilling, so not like You. Somehow I didn't believe You would come through. My eyes were blinded to what was really important. You wanted to do good, but I refused to be the one through whom You would bless. And in the end, we all lost out.

(from--reflections on Mt. 9:18-26, my own life and times I did not help, and the things J.Z. faced today, in the course of reaching out to help;  Dedicated to you J.Z.--you've chosen a profession of being willing for this, this day is why you were there...may you be renewed and strengthened as you have gone, given, and grieved with Jesus.)

Never been such a reluctant giver

Wow, that was strange
I heard they were looking for financial support
They did not tell me or ask me to support
I did NOT think they should be getting and living off support
I hoped others would NOT support
That it would all be seen to be the wrong direction

And then I sensed Father saying to me
'Give x-dollars/month'
What? No. I don't want to.
Okay, well if you really want me to, 
I want to obey, more than to 'be right'
But this does not seem at all right.
And how do I know it is really You speaking?
Is this You? or is it my crazy brain?

I've never been such a reluctant giver
Usually when prompted, it's pretty easy
But this time--No, You couldn't be asking that
(I'm still trying to adjust to so much)

And the idea came
Again and again
As I kept bringing myself before the Lord
And it came today in conversation with them
And it came again when I came home 
And felt again the flood--hurt, anger...

So today I did
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity

I wonder if it will be a bit of a battle every month
It seems tempting to give for a year all at once
But I think I need to stick with monthly

And I sense
It may be a part of the healing of my heart

So I gave
Reluctant at first, but not later

I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
To give
To obey
To be a part of the good that may come of later
To know healing
To have my heart transformed
To lay down the hurts, and anger
To refuse to let any bitter roots grow