So many people, so many places, often very difficult, but much to learn. I look up, listen, ask for wisdom, strength, courage, and love for today's trek.
Sometimes I forget and I live as though You are not here, as if You had not spoken, as if what I do each day doesn't really matter. I'm sorry Lord, well...sorry a little, but not quite enough yet. I'm not sure it's really sunk in yet. But...thank You for this gentle reminder, this drawing, this invitation...
I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, "You are my servant;"
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isa. 41:9-10
It was for Israel, but maybe it is for me too.
You have called me. You have chosen me. There are things You want me to do, for which You will strengthen me. But I forgot, I think. Or I forget in the midst of day to day living, and I end up living as if what I do doesn't matter.
But it does matter.
"Dismayed." Yeah, I guess that's how it is, that's how I live about some of this stuff.
So...what if I readjusted? What if I really look at this as Your promise to me? What if I look into Your eyes, and listen, as You speak this over me?
(pause...breath...read it again...and maybe again...)
I was amazed, three days ago, to be in a rough place myself, yet sensing the Lord tell me that a friend was struggling--to reach out, and ask, encourage. It turns out, she was struggling, really struggling. The next day, I was moved by the pain and struggle of another, and led to some tangible and specific ways to help, that really did help in the end. And then this became good for me too, to know His leading me, even in the midst of my own struggle... and even there, in the absence of sensing His presence, ah, starting to note His presence. Mysterious, the way He works, the way He draws, the way He reminds.
Today I wake
I start this day
With a yearning
And a grief-like ache
A yearning to do well
A yearning to work hard
To return to You this day
A job well done
Time well spent
I've thought several times
My "conscience" about this "is broken"
It's been over-stretched
Like a spring, pulled beyond its limits
And unable to bounce back
I have become
Unable to judge
Unable to sense
Unable to care
But today
I seem to care again
There's a soberness about it
A motivation
But not that high-strung 'rah-rah let's go' kind
It's mellow
And sober
And...a little afraid
What is it with this song? As I listened the first time, the second time, and then again today...tears stream down my face. I
first heard it last week, when I was at a Catholic retreat centre. Each
of us were all on our own silent retreat, so no interaction, but there
was this 11:30 liturgy time. I forgot about it, but suddenly heard
singing. I went to the chapel, but was late and didn't want to disturb
or be noticed, so I stood outside the door listening, and this is what
they were singing. Certain lines jumped out and touched me. I searched the hymnal they were using to try to find it. No luck. But online, I found it. There seem to be a couple versions.
Why the tears? It's a mixture of so many things.
There is a shame and yet a receiving of grace
There is a being moved at such a noble vision, such a tender heart
And an amazement that humbles me,
That I would be invited to be a part of such a great and noble thing.
But also shame...dismay
For many times I hear You "calling in the night"
And I don't give the respect and honour that is due
I run off to other things
Listen to other voices...
And yet I still hear You calling
Maybe if I sit here long enough
Keep getting to know You, keep hearing Your heart
I might be moved
To clearer intent, greater obedience, greater surrender,
More focused and intentional following
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
John Michael Talbot switches the last verse for this one
I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?
Torn
Pulled
Where will I live?
Where will I focus my attention?
This, I suppose, is the challenge
The NEWer challenge
To find a way, somehow
To focus my attention HERE
Here
where You have led me
where I have lived most of my adult years
where it's become so old and hard
often it isn't naturally exciting and 'drawing' anymore
But here You have led me
To here I have agreed to commit
At times the vision still feels glorious and grand
At times it isn't 'old'
At times it is still very compelling
There still is much joy
And work that excites
But it doesn't come as naturally anymore
And there are newer and fresher
attractions
ideas
That compete, and draw
My attention
So
I must choose
I must choose TODAY
Today, fresh, I must find a way
To look in the face of what I am supposed to do
And make it my focus
My goal
My aim
Today, fresh, I must look away from other things
Today I must do this
And then, tomorrow, remember
And figure out how to do it again
Again and again I must choose
Maybe the "torn" feeling will lessen
Maybe the other "draws" won't be so strong
Maybe it will be a constant battle
But it's not really about here, is it?
It's about You
Somehow staying rooted in You
And then living here
(wherever "here" is at the time)
Ah Jesus
Teach me to live
Rooted in You
And living fully HERE
And we have spent these days
I have tried to be still
And yet not as still as I could have been
How still do you have to be anyways?
How clear do I need to see?
God of my journey
God who knows all
There hasn't been time
There isn't space
To explore all
To resolve all
Much just started
Much pondered
(the trees...I will be pondering for days!)
But...it's okay, isn't it?
You will take it from here
You will take me from here
You will continue to guide and lead
This is one thing I do take away
The message of this reading
I read it on day one, and continued to ponder
I read it again today
Each time, tears come
It may be granted, therefore, that we are called to difficult and costly service. Yet have we abundant cause to be satisfied with it, from the sustaining support and consolation provided for its emergencies. All, indeed, may be considered to be included in the single promise, "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the world." The officers he employs, in every age, are entitled to this treasure, as well as those of the first age. Keep your mind believingly attentive to this "always"--
"Lo, I am with you," to qualify and succeed you in whatever work I call you to. "Lo, I am with you," to comfort you by my presence and Spirit, when your hearts are grieved. "Lo, I am with you," to defend and strengthen you in trials, though all men forsake you.
While he stands with you, there can be no just cause for fear or faintness. You need no other encouragement. This you shall never want, if you continue faithful: and thereupon you may conclude, "The Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me until his heavenly kingdom."
--Daniel Williams as quoted in On the Ministerial Office (A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants, pp.382-383)
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things.
Ps. 81:10b
Then a song recommendation--"Open My Hands" by Sara Groves
Which refers to this verse:
The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
Ps. 84:10b
And I am stopped
Stunned
Sharing it with friends...I could hardly say it
I know I need to come before You
And find a way to believe it
First, am I walking uprightly?
If yes,
Then I can trust You will withhold no good thing from me
The song...it's a song of paradox, a song that calls out faith
Some of the lyrics: I believe in a blessing I don't understand... Rain is no measure of his faithfulness He withholds no good thing from us
... Pain is no measure of his faithfulness He withholds no good thing from us
... I believe in a fountain that will never dry Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness He withholds no good thing from us
So...will I?
Will I do this? I will open my hands will open my heart I am nodding my head an emphatic yes To all that You have for me
Funny, the lyrics I first copied over here have this line in the chorus: I will show up and play the smallest part
Which actually is not in the song
But I like it...
I know I can "show up" and play my part
But can I do it with joy?
With confidence?
With expectancy?
With a knowing that You
Really will
Withhold no good thing from me?
Whatever I receive
Or don't receive
You are not withholding any good thing from me
You are filling my "mouth," my life
With good things
Many good things...
Lyrics:
I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing, no good thing from us
I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS:
I will open my hands will open my heart
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS
No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us
It hurts so much I couldn't have imagined this pain Do I regret having come here? Almost
Do I want to stay open for more pain? Like this? Not really But... I don't know the end of the story And, are there are some endings for which I would say, "Yes, the pain is worth it"? Probably In the end Can it be not about "pain" or "endings" But about how You led?
If I could hear You If I know You are in this If I know that I'm responding to Your direction Then I can (maybe, hopefully!) trust That it is part of Your forming Your shaping Even... Your blessing I'm not hearing You much or very well these days I'm not sensing, or feeling much Your presence It's nicer It's easier When I do But I've learned my feelings are not the truth Whether or not I feel I can choose to trust I choose to remember Your promises
You are here You are guiding You've promised to not let my foot slip Could it be You are guiding even now, Even when it feels like I'm slipping all over the place? It could be And so I wait...
Tell me You think I'm beautiful
And that You love me
Just the way I am
Tell me again
and again
You did
It was wonderful
It was enough
But then I don't hear
And I wonder
And I'm tempted to overly seek
Or fall for
The affirmation of man
The folly of thinking that what people
Think about me
Is what really matters
Tell me every day
Cup my face in Your hands
Look in my eyes
Tell me again,
"You're beautiful to me.
I love you just the way you are."
If I hear You say this
I can live with joy
No matter what life throws at me
No matter what others think
Lord,
Can I somehow
Sink into You, today?
Find myself lost in You
That kind of "lost"
Is so NOT lost
But covered, held
Found
Lord, You know
I'm tired
Weary
I know some of the things that have tired me
But perhaps not all
I may have ideas about what will bring refreshment
But I don't know fully
Lord, I come to You
Hold me
Fill me
Refresh me
Help me to rest
Help me to see
Whatever is needed
(And You are the One who really knows)
Please,
Do that in me today
As I sink into You
Am covered by You
Buried in You
Buried
Then raised to life
For this life
And this race
That you want me to run
This week
I've finally become quiet enough And rested enough And "processed" enough To come To be
The pain...is gone (not to say it won't come back) The "numb" is past The confusion and feeling muddled... And what I sense is a yearning To be with You To speak to You To hear Your voice And the sense that it is possible I will hear and know Your voice again
Here I am again Me Just me Wondering how I'll live this day Wondering how I'll get past all that is churning inside all the thoughts all the feelings That jumble and tumble And leave me an immobile heap on the floor (Oh...not really on the floor... My body is moving, but my brain has stopped) I call to mind again Truths beyond what I can see You are here You are good You are working to fulfill Your purposes Whether or not I participate (But wow, don't I want to participate?) You can and will lead me You will give enough strength and insight for today Today, as in every other day, The end of it will come, and it will be fine I need not fret or worry at the beginning.
I am counting the stars
On Your blackened sky
You call them all by name, You know them all by sight
In this sea of lights
I sense Your majesty
And I break at the thought that One so great
Could care for me CHORUS Who am I, Jesus
That You call me by name
What could I ever do
To be loved this way
Who am I, Jesus
In Your eyes, tell me, who am I
I am counting the mountains
That I've laid at Your feet
And I'm reduced to tears when I think of how
You've moved them for me
In this storm of life
You've been my safe retreat
Through the wind and the fire You always were there
To carry me
CHORUS
No greater honor could I ever find
Than the privilege to love You for the rest of my life
CHORUS
REPEAT CHORUS
Who am I Who am I really In your eyes... I have heard the voices Again and again Echoing through my years There are so many reflections The things they say The things I want to hear The things I don't The things some people see The things I wish others would The parts of me I've only discovered in recent years The parts I'm just learning to dare to be I'm verbal, wordy It drives people crazy I'm so ashamed and sensitive It blesses many I'm thankful I'm deep, intense It blows people away Tires them out Tires ME out Yet inspires Challenges I'm driven For more To grow To never stop To question To wonder To never be satisfied with the way things are To jump in to "what's not being done" To rescue To help To fight for hope To wake people up To be more Even knowing I'll never arrive ...I drive myself crazy I enjoy life I don't really think about what to "do for fun" Fun is had everywhere I'm a loner Yet I need people I want to connect Yet I don't know how I love you purely and fully Yet I deceive myself Who am I to You Who do You say I am I am the one You love The one who always comes running back The one who doesn't give up, But keeps hanging on to Your hand The hand that is holding me I am Your beloved, the lily among the thorns Planted in a very hard place But beautiful and fragrant to You I am the one not afraid to enter the pain The pain that You have seen I am one guided, all the while so unaware Walking steady, though it feels so wobbly Standing firm, with what looks like falling I am the one loved In the middle of my clutter and brokenness and confusion I am the one who trusts You Into the unknown and impossible And yet I am the one who stresses and doubts Even though you've supplied and provided Again and again and again Oh Jesus, Tell me... Who am I Who am I really In Your eyes Who am I?
