To be a Rock

a rock
a stone
or...steel
or...a wall

Something hard, impenetrable
Something that cannot feel, cannot be hurt

It's what I considered yesterday
What I wanted to become

"How else can I live?"
That's what I think sometimes

But there is another way, and today I'm reminded.

My opening prayer for the week is Psalm 62

When I saw it would be Psalm 62, I immediately thought of verse 8 and the invitation to "Pour out your heart to him" that has been such a blessing to me through the years--pour it out, pour it all out, not just the nice and the pretty, the praise, but even the ugly--the confusion, doubts, even anger.

I thought of verse 8, but I also wondered: "Could there be more, something I've missed in the past, in the rest of the chapter?"

And...there is more. I don't know how strongly I'll remember these other parts into the future, but I do note them today, and this week... Here are vv. 1-8, NLT, emphasis mine.


I wait quietly before God,
    for my victory comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will never be shaken.
So many enemies against one man—
    all of them trying to kill me.
To them I’m just a broken-down wall
    or a tottering fence.
They plan to topple me from my high position.
    They delight in telling lies about me.
They praise me to my face
    but curse me in their hearts. Interlude
Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
    for my hope is in him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will not be shaken.

My victory and honor come from God alone.
    He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in him at all times.
    Pour out your heart to him,
    for God is our refuge. Interlude

Ah...
So...no
I don't need to be a rock, to be safe
I am a broken down wall
I don't need to build a new one, a strong one

Instead
I can go crawling into a rock
Crawling home to my God
Perhaps for some time I need to just be silent
With those where the pain is fresh
Silent...not to build a wall or be a rock
But waiting on God
He might reveal something
He might give perspective
But I don't need to become hard
Hiding there
I am safe
This rock can take the blows
And I am allowed to just hide
For a while 

Thank You Lord

Watch over me

"The LORD 
watches over
the sojourners"
Ps. 146:9a, ESV

Sojourner, Traveller --that's me
And the LORD watches over the sojourners
The LORD is watching over me
The LORD will continue to watch over me
Over my life
Over my future
Wherever I go
Whoever I meet
No matter how alone it feels at times
No matter how far from "home" I am
The LORD is near
He is 
watching over me
Thank You LORD

Come close...

Come close to me God
Please...
I...
need to hear Your whisper
need to feel Your hug
need to look in Your eyes
and know that You love me
that it's okay
that it's going to be okay

Can you come close and
talk me down
talk me through
talk truth and perspective
into this head
and heart

I can't see You now
I can't feel You
I don't know where You are

Oh, I know You are here
That's why I am here
I can even consider You might actually be doing something quite significant
Still I ask
Please...
Come close to me God

Mostly written Dec. 20, 2013...still...something similar has also been my prayer on several different days since.

Why Do I fear?

Why do I fear?
Seriously
He will not ask of me more than what I am capable
He will provide the resources to MAKE me capable
Always
Every time
He doesn't expect performance to the level of ...
Someone else who is
Smarter or
Could do it better
He just asks me to be me
Do what I am able
With the strength I have
And the strength He gives

It's such a simple idea
Something I'm trying to get across to the kids
All the time
As they struggle with their grades not being good enough

And yet I too can be torn, frightened
By potential failure
Not reaching a certain mark
(not even sure what that "mark" is)
An uncertain future

written Dec. 3, 2013

the gap...

So...there is a gap here in my blogging--haven't posted anything since December 24th, and that one was written December 17th.  Haven't posted...but that doesn't mean I haven't written...ooh, there are a lot of not yet posted drafts...there have been lots of ideas going through my head, things I've been processing, just didn't get the chance to fully process. 

I have a sense...there will be more soon. Those past "drafts"--some will be posted, some will be trashed.
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