A Celtic Blessing

May the Christ who walks on wounded feet
Walk with you on the road.

May the Christ who serves you with wounded hands
Stretch out your hands to serve.

May the Christ who loves with a wounded heart
Open your hearts to love.

May you see the love of Christ
In everyone you meet.
And may everyone you meet
See the face of Christ in you.


(Discovered this in my notes--while going through clutter-busting. I'll save it here. Don't need to keep the paper now.)

Wrestling it through...

When You speak

When You break through

What do You want us to do with that?

Do You want us to just 

   listen

   receive

   and do it?

Perhaps, sometimes.

Perhaps, often even.

But is that always what you want us to do.

Jacob wrestled a blessing from You

You told Moses to leave You alone (Ex. 32:10)

So that Your anger could burn and destroy the people

But he didn't leave You alone

He argued that one with You

And You relented

It's almost as if You wanted Him to stay and argue

Was it a test?

Just a bit later (33:1-3) You told him

You wouldn't go with him, with them

You'd send an angel

But You wouldn't go

And again he argues with You

And...You let him

And seem to like it

I've always thought I could engage with You

I've always thought You could take my questions

But this, now, is the context of when You speak to me

When You speak to Your people

It makes sense that we should engage

And like the examples above, even

   question

   disagree

Your final answer

Might be a little different than the original

And now I'm thinking a step further

Of the times I thought You have spoken

And I did agree, I did like it

But then I just sat on it

And sometimes

They didn't happen

Could it be that my lack of wrestling it through

   praying that it would really happen

   became a hindrance?

Could it be

That when You speak

No matter what

You really want us

You really want me

   to engage

Hearing You speak

Hearing what You say

   is not quite enough

There are implications

There are always implications

And I need to learn to stay

   and work those out

To keep listening

   and wrestling

It is a whole life

Continually lived in Your presence

Always engaged

When I come

When I stop
When I come
When I finally pull away
From all that distracts

And
    finally
        get quiet

Then I weep

Is that why I don't come?
Is that why I stay distracted?
Is there something
    deep down
        not resolved
            that keeps me running?

What is it Lord?
Here I am
I'm trying to come today
    and stay
        not run

I wonder what you might say
I wonder if there will be more
    than tears

I wonder if you might reveal
and give strength

How I need you to change my heart
    make it new
Make it one that leans into  you
That wants to do
    all that is good

For now
Please help me to come
    each day
Keep coming
    keep shutting down the distractions
That I might hear you
    and gain perspective
And know again
    what is real
    what is not

Daily Dying...

Jesus, you ask me to die to self
To die daily
And I don't want to
So I don't

Actually, I forgot that you asked
I heard it, and did it...before
But...got out of the habit
And find
I don't want to...anymore

Actually
(another 'actually')
You didn't "ask"
You required
It's not optional

    for God bought you with a high price. 
    So you must honor God with your body (I Cor. 6:20)

Forgive me Lord
Help me to turn
To live new
Create in me a new heart
One the values what You do
That lives for the eternal
That willing lays itself down

Working Around the Abyss

I need to spend some time with You today Lord, "working around the hole of my pain" (an idea from Nouwen, see below). The pain, the emptiness...it's been calling out to me, with various reminders. And I'm tempted to run, and I've been busying myself in other places distracting myself, but it's always there. I need to come to You with it. I need to look at it, really look. Jesus, can we walk into it together?

We walk toward,
You're holding my hand.
I point
and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You
Here it is Lord
It hurts
So much...

From Henri Nouwen's, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom

Work Around Your Abyss
There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

Alone

Alone

You are here
You are always here
But I walk alone

And I feel the alone
Deeper than I feel the with You

This Life

This life
These years
Forty-five now
Little sis posted, and reminded me
I wasn't supposed to live
Or, there were supposed to be "severe delays" if I made it
I've always joked about those "delays"
The reason I'm not "normal'

But this is part of my story
You let me live
And I was almost hit by a car at four
But I wasn't, I lived

There maybe be more times
Many more times
You let me live
You arranged for me to live

Let me live
Let me live for Your glory
Accomplish through me things that wouldn't have happened otherwise
Let there be things that happen on this planet, in lives
That would not otherwise have happened
But did
Because You gave me life
And because You lived in me
And because You led, and You guided and You empowered
And You accomplished
Many of the good things You wanted to do
Through my willing hands and surrendered heart

Let this be the story that is told
Let this be the truth that is lived
Oh, it's not fully now
And it's not fully yet
But it is still possible
Because You are
  Redeemer
  Strength
  The One who shines through broken jars

Take this life of mine
Past
Present
Future
What was
What is
All that will be
Take it
Form it
Do something amazing

Empower
Strengthen
Emblazen
Let Your mark be on this life
Let Your light be what shines
Let Your breath
Breathe hope and life into these wasted bones and sinews
And then through me to them
To and for this broken world
These precious lives

May this life
Be all You intended it to be!

The song that makes me weep...

What is it with this song? As I listened the first time, the second time, and then again today...tears stream down my face. I first heard it last week, when I was at a Catholic retreat centre. Each of us were all on our own silent retreat, so no interaction, but there was this 11:30 liturgy time. I forgot about it, but suddenly heard singing. I went to the chapel, but was late and didn't want to disturb or be noticed, so I stood outside the door listening, and this is what they were singing. Certain lines jumped out and touched me. I searched the hymnal they were using to try to find it. No luck. But online, I found it. There seem to be a couple versions.

Why the tears? It's a mixture of so many things.
There is a shame and yet a receiving of grace
There is a being moved at such a noble vision, such a tender heart
And an amazement that humbles me,
That I would be invited to be a part of such a great and noble thing.

But also shame...dismay
For many times I hear You "calling in the night"
And I don't give the respect and honour that is due
I run off to other things
Listen to other voices...
And yet I still hear You calling
Maybe if I sit here long enough
Keep getting to know You, keep hearing Your heart
I might be moved
To clearer intent, greater obedience, greater surrender,
More focused and intentional following

Here it is, sung by Chris Bray...lyrics below.

Here I am, Lord,
by Daniel O'Donnel (His version)

I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.


John Michael Talbot switches the last verse for this one

I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?

John Michael Talbot's version:

The pull, the choice...

Torn
Pulled
Where will I live?
Where will I focus my attention?

This, I suppose, is the challenge
The NEWer challenge
To find a way, somehow
To focus my attention HERE
Here
  where You have led me
  where I have lived most of my adult years
  where it's become so old and hard
  often it isn't naturally exciting and 'drawing' anymore
But here You have led me
To here I have agreed to commit
At times the vision still feels glorious and grand
At times it isn't 'old'
At times it is still very compelling
There still is much joy
And work that excites
But it doesn't come as naturally anymore
And there are newer and fresher
   attractions
   ideas
That compete, and draw
My attention

So
I must choose
I must choose TODAY
Today, fresh, I must find a way
To look in the face of what I am supposed to do
And make it my focus
My goal
My aim

Today, fresh, I must look away from other things
Today I must do this
And then, tomorrow, remember
And figure out how to do it again

Again and again I must choose
Maybe the "torn" feeling will lessen
Maybe the other "draws" won't be so strong
Maybe it will be a constant battle

But it's not really about here, is it?
It's about You
Somehow staying rooted in You
And then living here
(wherever "here" is at the time)

Ah Jesus
Teach me to live
Rooted in You
And living fully HERE

We need to talk... I need to hear

We need to talk
Well, we have been talking
Maybe You've been talking to me
Maybe I've heard some things
I think I have
Maybe I haven't heard what You've really wanted me to hear
Maybe I haven't been listening

But...
I think things are coming to a climax here
Or they need to
I need to hear... more
Something has to change
Maybe... I sense...
In the end there will be
Some sort of
   newer way
   or deeper level
   of trusting You
There must be
There needs to be
Somehow, some way
Something needs to change
Really change

Please, can You break through to me here?
Can You say something really loud and clear?
Something that will give clarity, direction
   and hope
   for this next season
   for today

We need to talk
or rather
I need to hear
Really need to hear
Please speak
Please break through
Strengthen my heart, my soul
For this journey
That has somehow become
Harder than ever

Seek the Lord and his strength;
    seek his presence continually!

I. Chr. 16:11, ESV

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, 

for I have put my trust in you. 

Show me the way I should go, 

for to you I entrust my life.

Ps. 143:8, NIV 

Something's wrong

Something is wrong
But I don't know what
Something is
   unsettled
   not at peace
   not at home
   wandering
   searching
   seeking
   yearning
   not satisfied
   lacking joy
   lacking enthusiasm

Maybe it is the accumulation...of life
   things unresolved
   questions unanswered
   wonderings
   discomfort at my many failings

Jesus,
I'm arranging some time
Clearing away the noise
To meet with You
To focus in
To come and hear
Please
Meet me in that time
Speak deeply to my soul
Remind me again of Your love
Show me...whatever I need to see
And strengthen me again
In whatever way it is needed
For the future, the journey, that only You know

Satisfy

Nothing to feed me here
Or nothing to feed the distraction
The sense of meaning
The false sense of meaning?

And yet I am hungry
Searching
Wanting
Yearning
For affirmation
Attention
Something that tells me...

I've cut off the sources
And now I'm left wandering

Places I've looked for comfort, encouragement
Are gone now

I'm left yearning...

I look to You
I try to look to You
Wondering if You really will
If You really do
Satisfy

In a sense I know You do
In a sense I know that only You do
But it feels like
It has been so long

How does it work anyway
Do You, in Yourself alone
Meet all of our needs
Just in You alone
Or do You meet some
Through people
Through relationships

Probably both

And yet people fail
You say You won't

Even with You...

Is it a sign of idolatry
Or just a sign of
Being a normal human being
(Something I have probably never been)
To desire connection
To thrive with healthy connection
But then...have I ever had enough of that either

Turning

A slow turning
Turning back to God
To fixing my mind and heart on God

Yes it's slow
Very slow

Help me God 

What kind of darkness..., Part 2

Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom,
    imprisoned in iron chains of misery.
Ps. 107:10

Let the oppressed go free,
    and remove the chains that bind people...
Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Is. 58:6b, 9

...Help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
    and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon. 
 The Lord will guide you continually,
    giving you water when you are dry
    and restoring your strength.
Is. 58:10b, 11


Is this what You mean Lord?
I thought it might be about something systemic
Perhaps related to sexuality
And the "bonds broken" happening through education

But sitting there beside him
In his darkness
And later pondering
I realized...
This is good
You want hope for him
And maybe this is what You mean
When You talk about removing the chains that bind people
And the heavy yoke of oppression

I sensed You guiding that day
Guiding the prayers, the tears, the words
And maybe this is what You mean
When You say my light will shine out from the darkness
And that You will guide me continually

Guide Lord, lead
And...please,
Shine into his darkness
Make his darkness into light
Restore hope and strength to his bones once again

This is the view from where I sat, the view out the loft window. He was to my left. Previously others were sitting there too, in that chair, and others nearby, sharing that sacred space and time, lifting prayers.

What kind of darkness..., Part 1

Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom,
    imprisoned in iron chains of misery.
Ps. 107:10

Sitting
Praying
Weeping
Inviting
Hope and comfort
Come fill this home
Fill this life

What kind of darkness
What kind of despair
Leaves a man
Hiding
Avoiding
Running
Mostly silent

All day
Every day
In bed
Oh he eats
And washes
But otherwise
Just laying there

He doesn't like staying there either
Shakes his head
Weepy
Tears as we pray
He doesn't like it
But it's the best choice he can see
It is all he can do

Father
Please break through
May Your warm gentle light
Break into his darkness
Warm his heart
Invite him
Up
And out
And on with life

Father
For the glory of Your name
For the love You have for them
For the son that's waiting, yearning
For the life that is left to be lived
For the purpose You have planned
Break through
Make change
Give hope
And life
And strength
And...
Whatever is needed

Update Sept. 25, 2014--Yesterday I learned that he does not just sit in bed all day every day. True, he rarely speaks, but his son says he does get up to go foraging on the hills for various in season plants and other edibles.

How does one hold...

How does a heart hold all the pain?
How does one...
Sometimes I almost want to stop asking the questions, but...
There she is, coming to visit.
And she looks troubled, carrying burdens...
and so I/we ask, and find out more, and more...
ugh...how hard...

I don't know what to do,
almost don't want to start to get involved,
but...how can I not....
Three kids,
oldest just out of junior high,
working to make money to get treatment for her dad
Mom left with an other man earlier this year
The girl who told me--her mom died a couple of years back,
her brother is still trying to pay off the debts...
She is starting 2nd year university now...

All I can offer is--a hug, a prayer (she wanted the prayer!),
and now...tears.
Maybe some answers will come, maybe some wisdom.
Maybe we'll be able to help the younger girl...

How does a heart hold all the pain?
I'm talking about hers...
And I'm talking about mine
But for me...
I know
It doesn't
I come to You
And dump it out
Again and again
But her...
Help her to come too
To know You are real
That You also can be her refuge and strength

Yearning

Yeah how?
How am I supposed to "not be discouraged"?

God,
I can't see You
I can't hear You
I don't know what You are doing
I
   am
      so
         lost

Am I just supposed to keep going blind?
But how?

Please...
Show...
Give insight...
What
   has robbed my hope
   my faith
   my confidence to get up and face it
      to take on the day

Well
Maybe I know what has robbed it
Partly anyway
So
What do I do now?

I try to pray
I'm so agitated
All I can do is try
With what I know
And with a heart that leans in
And trust Your kindness
   and compassion
To receive
Even when it feels like
   not enough
   or not quite right

the God who gives hope

Four out of five days comforting crying girls
And now the tears come for me
How will You send help, Lord?
Who will You send?
Or maybe the help will come just straight from You
In that mysterious way You give and renew inner strength
The problems are bigger than we can handle
Lord, open their eyes to see You
To turn to You

And now, I'm the one hurting
Lord, You know
I turn to You
You, "the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort"
You, "the God of endurance and encouragement"
You, "the God of hope" and the God who gives hope
Thank You for hope
Because of You, in You
There is always hope
You are a refuge
You are my strength
Yesterday I testified to this
In front of them all
Today I experience
You...my refuge...
now...
again and again...
forever.

References: 2 Cor. 1:3, Rom. 15:5,13

Someone Stronger

We all need someone stronger, don't we?
Someone to go to, when it is just too much
We want to and try to carry the burdens of others
And it is good
But eventually, we need help

She came to me today
"Can we talk?"
Later, motion, arms, hug...
It feels like too much
So much has happened
And now there is this fear
This terror
When will the next thing hit?
At Spring Festival, the accident
In June, the thing that happened to her dad
Now, grandma in hospital
Today, waking up to little brother with a high fever
All alone to take care of him and then to get to camp...

And her brother
The comment grandma made after their 4-day visit with mom
The way she snaps at him
Tells him off
Hurtful words, time and again
He's only ten
She watches him, her little brother
Starting to close in on himself
Becoming quiet, changing...

I asked, "Did you share this with your team?"
No...they...
One had shared about her dad's death
Another about her dad leaving
Another was terrified to face the day's challenge
The two guys...they tried to help but
Who was there to comfort the girls
She didn't want to add to the pain
So she kept her struggles in
Helped them
And today, has become exhausted by it all

She comes to me
And I know this is bigger than her shoulders can handle

She is a star
At the school
Among peers
An amazing girl
Kind, smart, caring, giving
Yet so much pain and pressure from all sides
I can comfort, listen, ask questions, cry with her
But it's not enough
Lord, she needs You
Open her eyes to see how she needs You
To see You
To know You are real and true
Be her refuge and strength through this life
Become the Rock she needs
Her source of strength

And as I pray that she will come to You
I come to You
I, too, need
Someone stronger

Sinking into You

Lord,
Can I somehow
Sink into You, today?
Find myself lost in You
That kind of "lost"
Is so NOT lost
But covered, held
Found

Lord, You know
I'm tired
Weary
I know some of the things that have tired me
But perhaps not all
I may have ideas about what will bring refreshment
But I don't know fully

Lord, I come to You
Hold me
Fill me
Refresh me

Help me to rest
Help me to see
Whatever is needed
(And You are the One who really knows)
Please,
Do that in me today
As I sink into You
Am covered by You
Buried in You
Buried
Then raised to life
For this life
And this race
That you want me to run
This week