Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I forget and I live as though You are not here, as if You had not spoken, as if what I do each day doesn't really matter. I'm sorry Lord, well...sorry a little, but not quite enough yet. I'm not sure it's really sunk in yet. But...thank You for this gentle reminder, this drawing, this invitation...

I took you from the ends of the earth,

    from its farthest corners I called you.

I said, "You are my servant;"

    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isa. 41:9-10

It was for Israel, but maybe it is for me too.

You have called me. You have chosen me. There are things You want me to do, for which You will strengthen me. But I forgot, I think. Or I forget in the midst of day to day living, and I end up living as if what I do doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

"Dismayed." Yeah, I guess that's how it is, that's how I live about some of this stuff.

So...what if I readjusted? What if I really look at this as Your promise to me? What if I look into Your eyes, and listen, as You speak this over me?

(pause...breath...read it again...and maybe again...)

As I do that...something shifts.

Thank You for this reminder.

Thank You for this invitation.

Thank You for Your promises...and Your presence.

Encouragement from Jeremy Camp

Same Power--Jeremy Camp

He Knows--Jeremy Camp

the walking wounded

It's an amazing thing

that we can be

wounded

and yet walking

wounded

and yet reaching out to help others

we're just a community of broken ones

falling ones

stumbling ones

crawling ones

with strength enough

even when you are crawling

you can reach back

and give a hand to someone

stumbled in their crawl right beside you

or pause, to stop together and encourage

to keep crawling

I was amazed, three days ago, to be in a rough place myself, yet sensing the Lord tell me that a friend was struggling--to reach out, and ask, encourage. It turns out, she was struggling, really struggling. The next day, I was moved by the pain and struggle of another, and led to some tangible and specific ways to help, that really did help in the end. And then this became good for me too, to know His leading me, even in the midst of  my own struggle... and even there, in the absence of sensing His presence, ah, starting to note His presence. Mysterious, the way He works, the way He draws, the way He reminds.

Grace pours down...

If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, 

Lord who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness, 

so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

(Ps. 130:4-5)

Thank You Lord, for forgiveness, for grace.

Thank You for being "the lifter of my head" (Ps. 3:3)

Sin is real

Shame is real and can be so crippling

But You

Offer forgiveness

You

Don't want to

Are not willing to

See us forever bowed down

And the body

The Christian community

Should be a place that lives this out

Where we can come broken, contrite

And find acceptance, warmth, forgiveness

And strength to go on

Thank You for forgiveness and grace
Thank You for a body that lives this out
Thank You for family, that is real with each other

Semi-related thoughts that have come on this: 

I was tempted, yesterday, to not go to the Bible study. "What's the point?" I hadn't prepared (done my homework, hadn't even read the chapter, only listened to it once or twice. Certainly hadn't prayerfully considered the questions or written anything down). Didn't even have my notebook to write down the thoughts of others. And...I was late...but, I somehow still thought it was good to go.

Then, I had a memory, from 20+ years ago--sitting in church in a weeknight Bible study. The rows of chairs were facing forward. My dad was leading or teaching, sitting in one of the front rows, but not facing the people straight on. He was angled back toward them so they could hear him, but he was looking at the floor the whole time. It bugged me that he didn't look at everyone. I kept wanting to get his attention, thought of writing a note and handing it to him, "Look up, look at the people."

I don't know when we talked about it...maybe that night in the car going home. 

What he said, "You know [my name]..." and then what came was just how low he was feeling right then--how broken down, struggling, hurting. I didn't know the details, still don't, but I've later heard more of the stories and struggle from those years...

And I thought (and I STILL think), "What a shame!" The church should be the place where we can come and share our struggle, our brokenness. This is where we can come to learn to live out the reality of this Book we read, these truths we hold to. If we can't come and wrestle it out here, with these people, pray tell, where and when DO we learn to live out these truths? 

How sad, then, that my dad couldn't be real about the struggle. How sad, then, that there were very few being real about faith intersecting with life, and the learning to live it as a Christ-follower. Ah--when it would get talked about--when things got to an extreme--a "fall," a need for church discipline...  

I hope we are doing better now. I think we are.

It makes me wonder--how did I become one who would be vulnerable and real about it all? When and how did I realize--that if this faith is real, if this God is real, then He must also be real in the reality of life...no need to hide it, or cover it...

All I know is weak

maybe I was supposed to lead

maybe I was supposed to show them

how to be strong

but all I know is weak

weak

broken

floundering

crying out for help

running to my only Refuge

falling on Him

knowing Him strong

knowing Him faithful

through the years

and many tears

the dark

the clouds

the wandering

flat on my face

crawling

holding on

just barely

or not even holding on

but knowing Him 

holding on to me

this is all I know to do

this is all I know to show you how to do

to be weak

be weak

and name it

own it

say it

with tears streaming down your face

sadness in your eyes

apologizing for the more that you can't give

make the changes needed

ask for the help needed

receive the strength that comes

from Him

directly

or through others

no, I am not strong

I can only show you how to be weak

but the weak

somehow

in the weirdest twist of all

becomes strength that rises

a deep, firm core

a deep stabilizing

so weak

but unable to be

thoroughly defeated

a weak that becomes strong

and frees others

to be weak

and eventually

grow strong

Strength Comes

Strength comes
Like you promised
Enough for each day
Enough for tomorrow
I even feel a little left over towards tomorrow
But ...
It may be gone by morning
When I'll need to come again
Learn to trust again

Keep reaching up (Talking to Trees)

How do you do it?
Where do you find the strength?
How do you sustain and support yourself out there
So far from the trunk
No external support
You started out pointed down, but then grew up
What sort of internal dynamics or structure
Enable
Support
Insist
That you continue to point up
That you must reach up
You will continue to grow up

If you can
Then there must be a way I can
Extended
Reaching
Far from visible and obvious support
But strengthened from within
Created to endure
And thrive
And keep reaching up
And going forward

We need to talk... I need to hear

We need to talk
Well, we have been talking
Maybe You've been talking to me
Maybe I've heard some things
I think I have
Maybe I haven't heard what You've really wanted me to hear
Maybe I haven't been listening

But...
I think things are coming to a climax here
Or they need to
I need to hear... more
Something has to change
Maybe... I sense...
In the end there will be
Some sort of
   newer way
   or deeper level
   of trusting You
There must be
There needs to be
Somehow, some way
Something needs to change
Really change

Please, can You break through to me here?
Can You say something really loud and clear?
Something that will give clarity, direction
   and hope
   for this next season
   for today

We need to talk
or rather
I need to hear
Really need to hear
Please speak
Please break through
Strengthen my heart, my soul
For this journey
That has somehow become
Harder than ever

Seek the Lord and his strength;
    seek his presence continually!

I. Chr. 16:11, ESV

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, 

for I have put my trust in you. 

Show me the way I should go, 

for to you I entrust my life.

Ps. 143:8, NIV 

How does one hold...

How does a heart hold all the pain?
How does one...
Sometimes I almost want to stop asking the questions, but...
There she is, coming to visit.
And she looks troubled, carrying burdens...
and so I/we ask, and find out more, and more...
ugh...how hard...

I don't know what to do,
almost don't want to start to get involved,
but...how can I not....
Three kids,
oldest just out of junior high,
working to make money to get treatment for her dad
Mom left with an other man earlier this year
The girl who told me--her mom died a couple of years back,
her brother is still trying to pay off the debts...
She is starting 2nd year university now...

All I can offer is--a hug, a prayer (she wanted the prayer!),
and now...tears.
Maybe some answers will come, maybe some wisdom.
Maybe we'll be able to help the younger girl...

How does a heart hold all the pain?
I'm talking about hers...
And I'm talking about mine
But for me...
I know
It doesn't
I come to You
And dump it out
Again and again
But her...
Help her to come too
To know You are real
That You also can be her refuge and strength

Reaching

I can't see
It's dark.
The journey is long
and hard

And yet I'm reaching out to You
Jesus, You still capture my heart and my imagination again and again
I see Your goodness in this world
(Kent Brantley: Every Now and Then a Disciple Breaks out)
I see how You want to bring Your goodness
I see how it is You reaching out through me
Into the world You have put me in
And there is still strength
And still the want
To go there
To do that
To be that

It's hard
And the journey is long
But still
I'm reaching out for You
Finding strength in You again today
And as I reach out
You reach out to me
You continue to hold me
You continue to remind me
Of who You are
Thank You

Enough

I started listening to John's writing
As I walked the track this morning
And I wondered about you
I've wondered before but today I wondered again

Weird...
As soon as I heard the words
That you had come from God
As witness
An incredible longing welled up inside me
A longing to be close to God
To hear His voice
As though you must have known that
With this calling of yours
To know you were chosen,
Had a purpose, and a task

But then I wondered, if you really felt that close
And remembered...later
The doubt and despair you must have felt
As you languished in prison
For you sent your disciples asking
Revealing your doubts

But you had seen amazing things
Much earler, you had heard from God
How to recognize Him
And then it happened
You saw the Spirit land on Him like a dove
And a voice...
On that day, you knew
You really knew
Bet you were so sure of who He was
And why He had come
And how your whole life
Fit in the plan
I wonder if you thought
You would never doubt again

But you did
You doubted
Life became very dark
What were you thinking and feeling
In those very last moments
When they came for you
When you realized you were living your last minutes, seconds
Did a peace, a strength, fill you
Did He come close to comfort
That you would know His presence
I hope so
I wish it were so
I do not doubt God's presence was there
Watching, hurting perhaps
Giving you strength enough
I just don't know if you actually felt it as enough

But it was enough
To endure
Faithful to the end

I guess that's how it goes, doesn't it
This faith journey
Yours and mine
There are times of knowing, being so sure
But even after those times
Doubt
Darkness
Struggle
Crying out to make sense of it all
And no miraculous release

Did the answers satisfy
Was it enough
You asked
He answered
Reminding you of the prophecies
I'd like to think they did
Beautiful, isn't it
He didn't mind your questions
Didn't tell you off for doubting
But answered
I'd like to think the answer received then
Was enough
To strengthen those days
And make it to the end

Yes, that is how it goes
The visions
The hearing
The amazing proofs
Followed by darkness
Doubting
Questions
Wondering
Little bits of strengthening come
Various ways
Different times
Strength enough to get through that day
And then the next
Barely getting through it seems
But
Strength enough
Faith enough
To make it to the end

For me there will be
Strength enough
Faith enough
To make it
 

the God who gives hope

Four out of five days comforting crying girls
And now the tears come for me
How will You send help, Lord?
Who will You send?
Or maybe the help will come just straight from You
In that mysterious way You give and renew inner strength
The problems are bigger than we can handle
Lord, open their eyes to see You
To turn to You

And now, I'm the one hurting
Lord, You know
I turn to You
You, "the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort"
You, "the God of endurance and encouragement"
You, "the God of hope" and the God who gives hope
Thank You for hope
Because of You, in You
There is always hope
You are a refuge
You are my strength
Yesterday I testified to this
In front of them all
Today I experience
You...my refuge...
now...
again and again...
forever.

References: 2 Cor. 1:3, Rom. 15:5,13

Strengthen Me

Oh sometimes I would just love to be strong
Strong to not hurt
Strong to not fear
Strong to feel able to face the day

You do offer strengthening
You promise to strengthen those who wait on You
I can ask
And You will give
Strength

But it doesn't mean I won't hurt
It doesn't mean I will not fear
It doesn't mean I will feel able to face the day

The lack of fear
And feeling able to face things
Those will come by my choosing to trust
Choosing to believe Your promises

As for hurting--that's just gonna happen!

How to be strong:  
14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, 15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 21 Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.
(Eph. 3:14-21, NLT)

There is much strengthening available 
    through His Spirit, 
    by His love, 
    through living in His love. 
This is the strength I need. 
This is the kind of "strong" others need from me
This is the kind of "strong" I need to be

Strengthen me, LORD, for this day, for the tasks at hand, strengthen me in Your love, by Your Spirit. Make Your home in my heart as I trust in You.

To be a Rock

a rock
a stone
or...steel
or...a wall

Something hard, impenetrable
Something that cannot feel, cannot be hurt

It's what I considered yesterday
What I wanted to become

"How else can I live?"
That's what I think sometimes

But there is another way, and today I'm reminded.

My opening prayer for the week is Psalm 62

When I saw it would be Psalm 62, I immediately thought of verse 8 and the invitation to "Pour out your heart to him" that has been such a blessing to me through the years--pour it out, pour it all out, not just the nice and the pretty, the praise, but even the ugly--the confusion, doubts, even anger.

I thought of verse 8, but I also wondered: "Could there be more, something I've missed in the past, in the rest of the chapter?"

And...there is more. I don't know how strongly I'll remember these other parts into the future, but I do note them today, and this week... Here are vv. 1-8, NLT, emphasis mine.

¹ I wait quietly before God,
    for my victory comes from him.
² He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will never be shaken.

³ So many enemies against one man—
    all of them trying to kill me.
To them I’m just a broken-down wall
    or a tottering fence.
⁴ They plan to topple me from my high position.
    They delight in telling lies about me.
They praise me to my face
    but curse me in their hearts. Interlude

⁵ Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
    for my hope is in him.
⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will not be shaken.
⁷ My victory and honor come from God alone.
    He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
⁸ O my people, trust in him at all times.
    Pour out your heart to him,
    for God is our refuge. Interlude

Ah...

So...no

I don't need to be a rock, to be safe

I am a broken down wall

I don't need to build a new one, a strong one

Instead

I can go crawling into a rock

Crawling home to my God

Perhaps for some time I need to just be silent

With those where the pain is fresh

Silent...not to build a wall or be a rock

But waiting on God

He might reveal something

He might give perspective

But I don't need to become hard

Hiding there

I am safe

This rock can take the blows

And I am allowed to just hide

For a while 

Thank You Lord

A New Day

I wake to a new day
(well, actually, got a late start waking to a new day)
And there is nothing in me that wants to
Lean into my work
Lean into responsibility
Lean into the tasks that must be done
To be Your faithful child this day

God, I'm so glad You're far more faithful than I

I ...
Well
You know who I am
You know what this is with me
You know
And still You love

I ...
A tear trickles down one cheek
I ...
Wish it was different
Know I'll regret it even more
If I follow through on my feelings this day

So ...
Here I am
I ...
Turn to You
Talk to You about it
"Waste" even more time
(Is this just another ploy to procrastinate--
A more "spiritual" way to put off my work?)
David said,
As soon as I pray, you answer me;
    you encourage me by giving me strength.*

So...
This is my prayer
This is my call for help
This is my turning to You for strength

Please, help me this day Lord,
This week
It's more than my heart wants to face
I so easily lose sight of Your goodness
Your blessing
Your help that is on the way
I so easily despair
Forget the goal
Forget the good that will happen
If only I do not give up

 
*Ps. 138:3, NLT

Songs to bring me back...

Lay Me Down

10,000 Reasons

What Strength?

"Go in the strength you have"?
You have got to be kidding me
My "strength"
Is truly limited!
And it will be like fighting one man--really?
Is that for me too?
The "reduction"
That is certainly happening
Oh please,
I've mocked
And disagreed
With how he had to put out a fleece
But I understand now
The desperation
Please
Send a sign
Of Your deliverance coming
Of help on the way somehow

This
Is just too
Impossible
Help Lord!

Can You Not Trust Me?

I can still the storm
I created you
I have led you this far

Time and again, I have provided
I have promised to always be with you
To never leave you nor forsake you
I have promised this to you
Again and again
And I have proven it to you
Again and again

Today, these days
I am speaking to you
Yes, it is Me
I am speaking
You have learned to hear My voice
You are My sheep, My child
You know My voice
And follow

There are many things before you
Many options
You're overwhelmed
Confused
Scared
You doubt you've heard
You doubt your ability
You don't want to be a fool
But neither do you want to miss this
You don't want to miss the possibility
The potential
You offered your life to me
To use for My glory
I'm taking it
I'm going to use it
I will do mighty things
That you may or may not see

But
Can you not trust me?
Put away your fear
Live in my love
Live in my joy
Live free

Can you not trust me...
For the deepest longings of your heart
To be with you and guide you every step of the way
To watch over and protect you
To provide all you need
    the people you need
    the strength you need
    the insight you need
    all the resources you need
    the way through
That I am leading you and using you
    even when you can't see it
Beyond all your fears
Beyond your weaknesses
Beyond the ways you have failed in the past
Beyond any way you could fail in the future

Trust me with your life
Trust me with your days
Trust me each moment
I am your God
I am your Father
I will be faithful to you
I will always be faithful to you
I will never leave you
I will never abandon you
I love you and will watch over you
I will guide you with My righteous right hand
I will hold you and protect you
You are mine

Trust me
Put away your fear
Live in my love
Live in my joy
Live free


"The Lord is with you, mighty woman of valour....Go with the strength you have...I am sending you....I will be with you."
"You are such a soldier, and the Father is really with you."
Do not be afraid 

If not for this fire...

If not for this fire
If not for this passion that burns inside
Fueled again and again
By their stories
The need
The glimpses
Of pain
And lostness
And confusion
And the glimpses
Of how what I have
What I see
What we have done
CAN make a difference
IS what they need

If not for this fire
I would surely give up
Lay down and die
Pull away
Run
In the countless ways
I know to run

The future
Is so darn scary
The uncertainty
So daunting
I
Am so afraid

Lord,
I don't know where or how
To get the strength
To find the resources

It's hard to 'rally the troops'
Around uncertainty
Hard to even dare to try to tell them
Hard to feel so stupid
And put that out there
For all to see

If not for this fire
I'd run away right now
And courage is not
The absence of fear
But doing what you need to do
In spite of the fear

So, God,
If you want me to continue
If there is something left to do
Then fuel this fire
If it is what is needed
To hold me on course
To compel action
To at least stay put
Until the direction comes
Then, please
Let it burn strong

And may what follows be
Your provision
Your guidance
Your resourcing
In ways only You can do

And may it truly
Meet the need
That fuels this fire

This Road

This road
This hard, long road
Terrain varies from day to day 
Now and again 
Glimpses of green, blue sky
Other times
Dry, desolate wasteland
Stretches on into infinity

At times I wonder
Is it the right path?
Where is the strength?
Will I make it to the end?

At times the path is bright
With laughter
And companions
Those stretches 
Pass with ease
And joy

At times the path is walked
So alone
Yearning for companionship
Help to process
Your Presence
But darkness surrounds

But through it all
Your Presence guides
You are there
No, You are here
Whether I see You or not
Whether I feel You or not

Sometimes You are right beside me
Sharing, speaking clearly
Answering my every question
Sweet

At times You are behind me
I can't see Your face
But Your hand is on my shoulder
I know Your Presence
Steadying

At times I can't see You at all
And I weep 
And long
And yearn
Sometimes near despair
My heart faints
Thinking You are not there
Yet cries out hoping
Knowing
You are
Because You have never forsaken
Those who trust
In Your unfailing love

At times I look back
With clarity
Seeing the times and the ways
You were there
You were here
Even when I didn't know
Couldn't feel 
You sent help
In time
A word to encourage
A friend to share the load
Ideas, one after the other
Coordination of events
Or even external crisis
To get my thoughts of myself

Through it all
This long, hard road
You are here

Strengthen me Lord
To keep walking
I just need enough strength
And perspective
For today

And I need
Your Presence

Leaning into You

Jesus obviously lived from a place that exceeded human reserves...

I sense God is calling you to draw from that same place...

He's calling to a place of resting more, and allowing Him to do the work.

--M.A. 2013.10.07

  Remain in me, as I also remain in you. 
No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. 
Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  
“I am the vine; you are the branches. 
If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; 
apart from me you can do nothing.  
If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch 
that is thrown away and withers; 
such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, 
ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.  
This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, 
showing yourselves to be my disciples.

Jn. 15:4-8, NIV

Happy are those who hear the joyful call to worship,
    for they will walk in the light of your presence, Lord.

They rejoice all day long in your wonderful reputation.
    They exult in your righteousness.

You are their glorious strength.
    It pleases you to make us strong.

Ps. 89:15-17, NLT 

Turn my eyes away from worthless things...

Ps. 119:37, NIV

Lord, help me lean into You, to be rooted and centred in You. Please turn my eyes from worthless things--the things that distract and can take too much of my attention. Thank you that it pleases YOU to make me strong. You are interested in strengthening me. Oh how I need Your strength for what is ahead. What is ahead? I don't even fully know. What You're asking of me, it's so big and beyond me, that the easiest thing for me to do is find ways to run, avoid, neglect. Lord, make me strong to endure the uncertainty, to press in to prayer, seeking You and seeking wisdom and help from others. Please...take away my fear, this panic that arises, remind me each day of Your love, Your faithfulness and Your commitment to make me strong for what I am to do.