Can You make a way for me

I'm here, once again
Where I've been so many times before
Knowing this passion
Knowing this sense of calling
It's need I see, and I'm willing and eager
   To somehow work to see change
And I think the part of me 
That yearns to jump in
   To find a way
Is the part of me that You made
   The part of me that responds to You
That knows Your goodness
That has a sense of how this world was meant to be
And wants to play a part 
In seeing Your Kingdom come
Simply a response to Your invitation

And yet, once again
There is the "impossibility" of going forward
I don't know the way
There are options, yes
Each one will take a certain investment
Has pros and cons
Is one of these the way to go?
Will You lead, give wisdom
   As I/we research, investigate?

I'm here again
If this is You
If it has been You
Leading in this vision
Firing this passion
Giving the ideas to do this work
Then You 
Will have to show the way
Will have to make a way
Perhaps even using our hands to
   Clear the brush
   Build a road

Will You
   please...
       make a way for me.

As You Prepare to Leave

I'm feeling it tonight
Though I don't quite know what "it" is
It is a thankfulness
And a sadness
All wrapped together

She's in palliative care now
My mom says
Her health is declining
She will soon leave us

She's been a hero for me
Someone ahead, further down the road
Her life has given me glimpses of what mine might be
As I've watched her
Fifty years ahead of me

Aunt Annie,
I hope I will be like you in so many ways
Your positive outlook
Your choosing of grace, forgiveness and service
Rather than self-pity, bitterness or complaining
Your consistently reaching out to others
And yet trusting the Lord yourself too
There is probably much more too
But honestly, we haven't seen each other very often
For me to know more
I'm thankful for the amount of connection we've had
For your emails
For your encouragement

I hope this last leg of the journey goes well for you
I hope you know His comfort
His peace
I hope He holds you, in a very special way
I hope you are at peace
And that there is joy
As you graduate on
To the life after this one

Thank you for this life you have lived
Thank you for showing me how to live it well
To live it with courage
And with grace
I will choose to remember you
And I will take courage from your life
Long after you are gone
Thank you for your faithful journey
Thank you for the strength you have imparted to me

Blessings
Peace
Comfort
Be yours


I wrote another post for Aunt Annie a few years ago, for her 94th birthday. Here is more of this woman, and how she has blessed and impacted me: Thanks Aunt Annie!

Update: on Nov. 10, 2017 Aunt Annie took her last breath...

Yearnings...

Yearnings...

These yearnings come
Yearning to be more
Yearning to have joy again
Yearning to live
enthusiastic 
once again

I yearn to throw off this heaviness
This never-ending wondering
and struggle
and searching
and 'trying to figure out'
for LIVING
living somehow enthusiastic and free
once again.

Are my memories deceiving me?
Maybe it was never as "light" and free as I'm imagining.
My "intense" personality has always been a little angsty

(This post...perhaps not complete...Written Nov. 5, 2017, posted May 2018)

Trembling and Bewildered, Afraid

Mark 16 
When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?”
But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’”
Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.

The Realization

     I guess I am a little "afraid" after all.


But...

It's okay to be afraid and bewildered
   as you follow this Jesus
This Jesus...who will constantly surprise you
   with what he does next
It's okay
   that it takes you time to process it all

He still comes to you
   invites you into the experience
   and the revelation
He still goes ahead of you
   and waits for you
   in the unknown

Follow
Trembling
   Bewildered
      Afraid
Go there anyway
You won't want to miss out
   on this adventure!


The invitation:
   Expect the unexpected
   Cultivate a sense of anticipation (it is a faith) choice.
   And in my mind ring the words, "In the light of an unknown future, why would you choose fear [instead of faith]?"


Note: the above are my reflections that came from this Lectio Divina meditation: The Risen Christ Goes Ahead of You


Tired of Simplistic Faith

God, I'm tired of simplistic faith!
And simplistic teaching on faith
Simplistic lists of sins
That leave most of us feeling 
     self-satisfied with ourselves
     noble in helping others
     along with a little bit of pity
     ...disguised as compassion
"Come to the Cross,
     and everything will be okay"
Really?
That's all it takes?
What does that mean anyway?
Does it help us?
Does it help anyone?

And it bugs me
That this sort of thing is still
So prevalent
It seems we may be
Doing more harm than good
Inoculating people
Against true faith
When they get a chance
To finally hear it


Greetings Friend!

Hi there,
It was good to see you again today.
As you came close
I suddenly realized
How nice it was
And...
    It's been a LONG time

There you were
Feeling light and free
Enjoying people
Enjoying strangers
The elderly lady who was friendly
    Sitting beside her on the bus
Chatting, about 
    life
    the city
    what it's like to be retired
Noticing and enjoying the exuberant little girl
    Walking home from school with her grandmother
A smile for the woman walking her dog
Letting a young man know
    "I also like those little croissants
    ---bought some yesterday."

I saw you there
Just a few glimpses today
I wonder if you'll be coming back
More regularly
Stay for longer
I'd like that
I really would

I wonder what sort of space and time
Is needed for that to happen
Maybe you were never meant
To come back permanently
Maybe...
    You've changed in the absence
Maybe...
    I don't even know what I'm looking for
When I yearn to see the "real you" again

Ah...
The me I want to be
More often
For longer
I wonder what it will take

You Will Always Struggle... (Notes for the Journey #1)

You will always struggle to figure out how to live a healthy life.
Do not be surprised at this!

Your dreams are huge. New people and ideas keep coming. New projects start. You are changing. Your life is changing. Your body is changing. Those you work with are changing. All along the way you will discover new things about yourself, your energy levels, what inspires, what drains. There will be a continuing need to re-examine and then adjust, based on the new understanding that you have.  

Do not be discouraged at this need for continual discovery and change. Do not give in to the misplaced idea that because you have not yet "figured it out," somehow you have failed. 

What will work for you, will not work for someone else. What works for them, probably wouldn't work for you. YES! Learn from others. YES! Adopt and adapt time-tested principles. YES! Take on their wisdom and use it in your own life. But you are not "them" (whoever "they" are), and "they" are not you. 

Lay down this idea that "getting it right" or finally "figuring it out" should somehow be your goal, or that it is even possible. Drop the all-or-nothing thinking that leads you to either focus on "figuring it out" or giving up via the many ways you can run. 

Just live.

Live.
Breathe.
Relax.

Know that you are loved, you are valuable, what you do matters, and this all while you are so NOT "figured out."

Learn to live each day in hope. Learn to live each day, each moment, making the wise choice for that time. Yes, keep setting aside those times to stop and evaluate and strategize to make the adjustments needed based on what you see now. But do not expect it to be perfect. Don't even hope for that. Realize and embrace the reality that even the new (better) plan will need to flex, change, and someday it may be scrapped altogether. It will serve your journey for the time it was needed, and that is enough.

Again, take a deep breath.
Life is good.
Live it exuberantly.
Live it well.
In all your glorious, imperfect messiness. 

Breaking

An article
A woman
Mother of young children
Struggling and stressed
Sitting on the floor
Crying...
For so many reasons
   the stress
   the weariness
   her own failure
The children find her
“'Oh, I’m just taking a break. Lunch is almost ready.'
But I’m not taking a break.
I’m breaking."

She's breaking
Under the stress of life
And little children
Understandable

And me
"I'm breaking"
For all the same reasons
   the stress
   the weariness
   my own failure
But no children here to help make sense of it
To make sense of the weight of it

Pity the people who must live with
Work with
The single woman
Who messes it all up...

quitting

What do I do when I realize I hate my job.

Hate? 
Really hate?
Yes, as it is now
The parts that are most demanding and in my face right now
For a while--did better at them
For a while, there were systems
and ways of working together
And I was here more. 
Feeling the pressured of it all

There are too many days
To many times
When all I'm doing is struggling to find hope

Oh, I've been here before, I realize that
I've had other times, where I've come to where I am now
A realization that I need to make some choices
I wish...there were some to talk to about it.
I don't know where to go, who to ask
Those who I've tried....
Doesn't work
We don't get to the crux
I...don't know what to do.

I say I'm a person who doesn't quit
I wonder, sometimes, how long I can go on before I do
How long I can go on feeling like this
Eventually, I won't give a rip
Even seeing no alternative
Anything else is better. 

So...quit what now?
The thought occurs, to quit the counselling program
The idea of just staying home for a month, working on the piles
Being here, while there is no one in the office to ask me to do anything
Is simply wonderful.
Just think of how much I might get done
--on the house
--on the piles I'm behind in

As I sit here...pondering what to quit
(for I must quit something, or I will go insane)
wondering if I should try again to go to bed, 
or have some coffee to add to the mental place
--enter fully into this thought process (it's nearly 2 a.m.)
and somehow cry out for help (yes, faith has changed too, 
hardly know how to ask anymore)
Ideas come
Voices start to speak...through the browsing
Facebook articles...
Maybe it is You God, reaching through...
Let me get that coffee...

The article I found...
Fits with other thoughts I've had recently
The night before heading off to 3 days of retreat at the beginning of the month
I wrote the words "Invitation" in big letters
First page of the journal I bought for that time
Prompted from the beginning of The Shack movie
Jan Johnson ends the article with:
"Please take time to ask God: 
    What are you inviting me into? 
    What is my next step?"
I guess that's my next step...
Asking God these questions
Hoping light will come
Hoping, someday, I'm living in a different space

(Discovered in 'drafts' on May 30, 2018; Now that I have decided to "quit," it feel more okay to write the intense and scary thoughts of that day.)

I'm...Just me

It hit again
That sudden feeling of dismay
(or maybe it was envy?)
I see a good work an organization is doing
And, their organization, and ability to tap into resources
They have so much to offer
They do so many things so well

But me
I'm mostly just full of dreams
And plugging away at little things
That don't really seem to amount to much

Sometimes I wish
That somewhere
Out of the blue
Would drop in
Some people
With amazing abilities
And initiative 
To organize
Plan
Help us make what we have
Available to more people

But...I'm just me
We're just us
Limited
But with dreams
And a bit of stamina
Here we are
Staying in the process
Being formed
Growing
Learning
Hoping, somehow
It will all make a difference

I think it is
I think it has
Sometimes
For some people
I hope it goes deep
Stays
Spreads
I guess it's enough
It'll have to be

Do not despise the day of small things
Who are you to ask or expect to be someone else, or receive a different path? Just walk this one well. Keep learning to walk this one well...

Places of Safety

Why are they so hard
to find
to maintain

There I have been 
times
seasons
when there were several
Places of safety
Places of acceptance
Places of love
Where I was and felt loved
For who I was
and in that place
In those seasons
there was freedom to flesh out
the worst of me
and somehow
also be and become
the best of me
there was a "flourishing" to life

But those times and places 
are so fleeting
There might be one
and then one day I realize
it is gone
It might happen through a specific problem
But more often
it just happens
The relationship fades
Or maybe just the active cultivating has faded
and at some point 
I realize

How quickly life
and the "atmosphere"
can change
from safety 
to
lack

And then
so many things eem to happen, 
none of them fully true
or fully an expression of the reality
but pieces of
   being lost, directionless
   pulling inside myself
   building walls, hiding behind them
   running, in all the ways I run
And while I watch it happening
not liking it while it does
often a lesser me
lives in this world.

(Another...in drafts, rediscovered May 30, 2018, and posted then. Maybe the distance of time makes it more 'safe' to post.)

I'm Back

I'm back
It's me again
Showing up again
Starting to face my life again

Oh, what a mess
So much, neglected for so long
It's hard to know where to start
Hard to figure out how to plan
But plan I must

I don't need a perfect plan
It will need to be adjusted
Time and again
But each time adjustments will be made
To address that season


I need a framework, to understand life, my life
Is the CWF one that will work?

Starting to feel again...

Maybe I am
finally 
starting to feel again
I've been
I've felt
     disconnected
for so long

Disconnected
   from me
   from feeling much of anything
rather numb, I guess
and I've wondered why

I still don't know why
not completely
I suspect it's related to this rather long season
a big transition 
with many 
    aspects
    choices
    tensions
Perhaps in the process
living with a constant undercurrent
of tension
     so many decisions
     so many unknowns
Maybe
sometimes
I don't let myself feel
lest the feelings overwhelm
and drown me

Now
maybe I'm moving again
into a place where I can breathe, again
I can figure out what it means to be me, again
get excited about going forward, again
maybe...

But for now
I'm thankful
I can sense
I'm starting to feel again

Feel
    the pain of situations happening far away
    the loneliness of missing family
Even
    some of that overwhelm again

No, the overwhelm, is not fun
there is so much ahead
    so much to face
    so much to learn how to do
    so many to whom I am responsible
    so many directions in which my head goes

But with the overwhelm
at least there is something to figure out
    and face
At least I'm not just in denial
    shut down

Perhaps, in the feeling again
I can even
once again 
start to feel 
connected to God, again
    and I think...that's what I've missed most


Words Fail

Written Mar. 30, 2017

So many times lately...I just don't have words. 
Well, not that I don't have words, but...I start to have some
And then the other side of the thing pops up
Other aspects
Other nuances
Or...the opposite extreme is also true
And the story becomes so big and complicated
I no longer know where to begin
Or if I should

Maybe I just need to sit in the reality longer
Not needing to write
Not needing to tell
Not needing to express

Well...I find
I just don't want to...write, tell, express

So much is going on
so much in so many directions
I don't even know what it really is
What the essence is
Must
    just
       experience

and ... let   go
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