Here it is--the new year.
Tomorrow I start my year immersed in "learning from Jesus"...whatever that quite means...
I'll start my reading and meditating in Matt. 5-7--reading over and over. John 13-17 (or 14-16) will be big too I think, and then just lots of being in the gospels, learning to talk to and walk with Jesus. I have no idea how this is going to work. It's a little scary.
But...here's to 2012.
Lord, teach me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom.
One Word...
Not quite sure how I stumbled upon it, one blog click to the next I suppose, but it is an intriguing idea.
Choose one word for the year (See OneWord 2011, and here is someone reflecting on the past year and next), then focus in, think often on it, let it influence your decisions, shape the way you live.
I've wondered. I've prayed. Lord, is there one word for me for 2012. One came to mind. Not yet totally sure, but I think it might be:
Healing
...to pursue in the depths
...to pursue with other people
...to pursue for other people
...to pursue in relation to time and space
...to pray for it around me
...to pray for it in me
...to learn about how it happens
...to know the Healer
Updated: Click the One Word graphic to learn about others doing this
Choose one word for the year (See OneWord 2011, and here is someone reflecting on the past year and next), then focus in, think often on it, let it influence your decisions, shape the way you live.
I've wondered. I've prayed. Lord, is there one word for me for 2012. One came to mind. Not yet totally sure, but I think it might be:
Healing
...to pursue in the depths
...to pursue with other people
...to pursue for other people
...to pursue in relation to time and space
...to pray for it around me
...to pray for it in me
...to learn about how it happens
...to know the Healer
Updated: Click the One Word graphic to learn about others doing this
How Shall I Learn of You?
For a while now I've been anticipating the end of the year, finishing the reading plan I've gone through with friends for the past two years, and starting a new one. That said, I know I'll miss reading the whole thing--through the Bible in 52 weeks, 7 days of the week in 7 different places. I'll miss...Isaiah and Jeremiah, 1 & 2 Peter, John's letters...well, who's to say I can't read them too? But that just won't be my focus next year.
This next year is for learning of Jesus, focussing on the gospels, drawing near. I'm still not quite sure how I'll do it, what my system or 'requirements' will be, and I know I need some sort of accountability, walking with friends for the journey.
I just know the goal is not to get through passages, but to stay there in time--to stay, to sit, to be in His presence. The goal is to listen, to draw near, to be close. I want to know Him, be like Him, to more see the world the way He sees it. I'm tired of the ways I'm not like Him--the worries, the stresses, the taking on burdens not mine. And ... I hope I'll learn to be more willing and eager to die.
Jesus...I'm not quite clear how I should do this, but I ask You to draw me, to lead me...gently, beside those quiet streams. Take me to places so very safe so that I can finally find true rest. Oh, and Jesus, may I become like You...
"Come...learn of me...and you will find rest for your souls." Matt. 11:28, MRMT (my roughly memorized translation)
This next year is for learning of Jesus, focussing on the gospels, drawing near. I'm still not quite sure how I'll do it, what my system or 'requirements' will be, and I know I need some sort of accountability, walking with friends for the journey.
I just know the goal is not to get through passages, but to stay there in time--to stay, to sit, to be in His presence. The goal is to listen, to draw near, to be close. I want to know Him, be like Him, to more see the world the way He sees it. I'm tired of the ways I'm not like Him--the worries, the stresses, the taking on burdens not mine. And ... I hope I'll learn to be more willing and eager to die.
Jesus...I'm not quite clear how I should do this, but I ask You to draw me, to lead me...gently, beside those quiet streams. Take me to places so very safe so that I can finally find true rest. Oh, and Jesus, may I become like You...
"Come...learn of me...and you will find rest for your souls." Matt. 11:28, MRMT (my roughly memorized translation)
Why this pain?
Why this pain, Lord?
What is its source?
Why...
As I look back over my life
I see some patterns
That hint at a 'soul wound'
'Soul wound'...that's the name I gave it
a few years ago
as I started to enter in
and wonder
but could not find the source
And I still don't know the source
Some people remember back
To a traumatic childhood event
Or a series of events
Or words that were spoken
That never should have been
Or words that were simply misinterpreted
By a child heart too small to understand
But I cannot find the source
I wonder if it goes further back
Than could possibly remember
If it is sourced before my time
But I don't yet know
I stay around the wound*
I keep coming back to it
I ask you, Jesus
To lead
Be my Healer
Be my Deliverer
Lead me to the freedom You have for me
So that I will be free
to truly love
to truly be You to others
Or simply be
True and freely
Your child.
*stay around the wound idea from H. Nouwen
What is its source?
Why...
As I look back over my life
I see some patterns
That hint at a 'soul wound'
'Soul wound'...that's the name I gave it
a few years ago
as I started to enter in
and wonder
but could not find the source
And I still don't know the source
Some people remember back
To a traumatic childhood event
Or a series of events
Or words that were spoken
That never should have been
Or words that were simply misinterpreted
By a child heart too small to understand
But I cannot find the source
I wonder if it goes further back
Than could possibly remember
If it is sourced before my time
But I don't yet know
I stay around the wound*
I keep coming back to it
I ask you, Jesus
To lead
Be my Healer
Be my Deliverer
Lead me to the freedom You have for me
So that I will be free
to truly love
to truly be You to others
Or simply be
True and freely
Your child.
*stay around the wound idea from H. Nouwen
Glad to say "Good-bye"
I'm not sure what it was exactly (maybe a status update on Facebook) that made me realize: I will be so glad to put 2011 behind me. I will be happy to say "good-bye" to 2011.
And that got me thinking about why.
Is it just that I want to say "Good Riddance!!" to a lot of pain and frustration? There is some of that, but there is more...
In 2011 I have come to some hard realizations--some about self, some about relationships with others. I have become aware of certain coping strategies, that lead to other problems of their own. I have come to more clarity about what my 'shadow mission' (from J.Ortberg sermon) is, and realize how much it will cost in the end if I live for it. I have become aware of how easy it would for my heart to become hard and bitter. Events and things felt in 2011 have led to a lot of transitions in thinking and lots of choices I have needed to make. I guess what is really behind my "glad to say 'good-bye' to 2011" sentiments was first expressed in my "Moving On" post.
Things discovered in 2011 are not all over yet. I am still learning. There is still much to explore along certain threads and in particular areas of heart pain. And I find myself really wanting to just get at it! I am really eager to live new, live different.
No, I'm not just wanting to walk away and get past painful things.
No, I'm not just ignoring the past and walking on.
What I really want to do is bring to completion the lessons of this season.
I want to mark what has been learned.
I want to make some specific decisions about my life and ways of relating to others.
And then live better.
And that got me thinking about why.
Is it just that I want to say "Good Riddance!!" to a lot of pain and frustration? There is some of that, but there is more...
In 2011 I have come to some hard realizations--some about self, some about relationships with others. I have become aware of certain coping strategies, that lead to other problems of their own. I have come to more clarity about what my 'shadow mission' (from J.Ortberg sermon) is, and realize how much it will cost in the end if I live for it. I have become aware of how easy it would for my heart to become hard and bitter. Events and things felt in 2011 have led to a lot of transitions in thinking and lots of choices I have needed to make. I guess what is really behind my "glad to say 'good-bye' to 2011" sentiments was first expressed in my "Moving On" post.
Things discovered in 2011 are not all over yet. I am still learning. There is still much to explore along certain threads and in particular areas of heart pain. And I find myself really wanting to just get at it! I am really eager to live new, live different.
No, I'm not just wanting to walk away and get past painful things.
No, I'm not just ignoring the past and walking on.
What I really want to do is bring to completion the lessons of this season.
I want to mark what has been learned.
I want to make some specific decisions about my life and ways of relating to others.
And then live better.
How to Procrastinate...and Feel good about it too
1. Read articles about motivation.
2. Click interesting links in above articles.
3. Look up books recommended in articles...like THIS ONE.
4. Be impressed by above book.
5. Consider buying, loading onto Kindle and reading right away.
6. Think about how beneficial it might be to read this book every day.
7. Realize--if this book is so good, it must be available in Chinese too!
8. Check out Amazon.cn to find out that... it IS.
9. Consider buying a whack of books in #8 for all the people I know who could benefit from it.
10. Realize what I'm doing, that it's kind of funny.
11. Consider posting a clever line on FB.
12. Write a blog post about how I'm procrastinating.
13. Link blog post to FB.
14. Realize: "It's been quite effective. I'm still not doing the stuff I'm supposed to do tonight...and it's nearly 10 p.m."
Wow, I am a pro.
Maybe it's a sickness... oh, wait...I know.
15. Google search: cures for procrastination, compulsive procrastination
16. Find out if there are any easy miracle cures.
(okay...so...I don't actually feel so good about it...)
(17. Watch FB and Blogger dashboard to see how many people like, comment or read the post. :o( )
2. Click interesting links in above articles.
3. Look up books recommended in articles...like THIS ONE.
4. Be impressed by above book.
5. Consider buying, loading onto Kindle and reading right away.
6. Think about how beneficial it might be to read this book every day.
7. Realize--if this book is so good, it must be available in Chinese too!
8. Check out Amazon.cn to find out that... it IS.
9. Consider buying a whack of books in #8 for all the people I know who could benefit from it.
10. Realize what I'm doing, that it's kind of funny.
11. Consider posting a clever line on FB.
12. Write a blog post about how I'm procrastinating.
13. Link blog post to FB.
14. Realize: "It's been quite effective. I'm still not doing the stuff I'm supposed to do tonight...and it's nearly 10 p.m."
Wow, I am a pro.
Maybe it's a sickness... oh, wait...I know.
15. Google search: cures for procrastination, compulsive procrastination
16. Find out if there are any easy miracle cures.
(okay...so...I don't actually feel so good about it...)
(17. Watch FB and Blogger dashboard to see how many people like, comment or read the post. :o( )
God, I wish I could do better!
Father, I ask for insight, insight that will change.
Am I the only one that does this...finds myself again and again in the same situation with people I care about so deeply--frustrated, talking more loudly than I should, leaving them feeling like they can't do anything right?
Maybe this is the challenge I should take on next year
(Wrote this a little over 2 weeks ago. Glad the last two weeks have gone better.)
Am I the only one that does this...finds myself again and again in the same situation with people I care about so deeply--frustrated, talking more loudly than I should, leaving them feeling like they can't do anything right?
Maybe this is the challenge I should take on next year
(Wrote this a little over 2 weeks ago. Glad the last two weeks have gone better.)
Why does this move me?
Why am I looking at this castle?
Why does it move me?
Take a look here
Or just Google "Neuschwanstein Castle"
and find a whole bunch more photos
Gorgeous
Majestic
Grand
or something else...
Somehow it stirs...
Something beyond words
a yearning
I can't explain
a desire
for something I could never attain
but somehow feel
I was meant for
A kind of
Glory
What Happened Lord?
How did this happen Lord
So quickly
I started the day praying and listening
and asking and committing
that I would have patience,
and that the meeting and planning would go well
And it did, for the most part
And then there was this moment
I remember so clearly
Thinking... "made the goal today"
Is that when it went wrong
Dropped my guard and
Poof...
Gone
What followed was the frustrating part
And crazy miscommunication and loggerheading
So quickly
I started the day praying and listening
and asking and committing
that I would have patience,
and that the meeting and planning would go well
And it did, for the most part
And then there was this moment
I remember so clearly
Thinking... "made the goal today"
Is that when it went wrong
Dropped my guard and
Poof...
Gone
What followed was the frustrating part
And crazy miscommunication and loggerheading
Just One (Talking to Trees 1)
Don't know why I didn't before
You are a palm tree
Palm trees are nothing unusual
Plentiful in some places
But here, on this mountain
There is just one
Only you
You are an oddity here
Among all the other greenery
You stand alone and forlorn
Alone, Yet you've grown strong and tall
Do you mind being so odd?
Do you mind that you have to hold the fort alone?
There in that spot
I will never know
There might be others like you
The only one of their kind in these surroundings
But they don't stand out like you do
It seems the other varieties
Have the joy of like-natured companionship
But you are definitely unique
Even in placement and space
There is a gap between you and them
All others stand apart from you
Is it because you're unique, they ran away?
Did they not want to be near you?
Or did you not want to be near them?
Or were you the only one that could handle that place?
Do you feel alone?
You are far from the others on the surface
Yet you share the same soil
Perhaps you reach out and touch
Somewhere down deep where you go for nourishment
You are watered by the same rain
You were planted by the same Creator
Who are you to complain?
Who are you to resent?
Or to boast?
Each would be equally in vain
Live the you you were meant to be
Grow and flourish where you were planted
For your singularity
You will be noticed, despised, and perhaps admired too
I hope you can live beyond all these
Keep reaching up
Looking up
Be your palm tree self
Live free
(Wrote most of this Oct. 4, 2010, not sure why I didn't finish...Was learning from the trees that day. Perhaps I'll complete the other post too...)
He delivered
Been wanting to talk to him for a while.
Held off because
Well, he doesn't know much of the situation
He's quite distant from it
Being half a world away and all
And not knowing some of the pieces
And ... aren't you supposed to talk directly
to the person/people involved first?
But I've tried sometimes
And didn't know what to do next
Finally decided
there was a part I could and should ask him about
I guess I needed someone truly safe
Someone who really loves me to the end
And someone with whom I can really share my heart
I also wanted to talk to him
because I knew he would bring wisdom
because I knew he would tell it to me straight
He would question heart motives
He wouldn't let me smooth over anything
No way to bluff, hide...
If I had wanted to
And, well, you delivered Dad
Good, hard.
Words of truth delivered so straight
And so gently
Yet, not stopped by my tears (good!)
He said,
"We're challenged to be thankful in all things...we're challenged to do things we cannot do on our own."
What more does a person need when facing tough challenges?
...when it's hard to figure out what to do,
...and easy to put off going forward because it is so darn hard!
Thank you Daddy!
Forty-one-year-old daughters, still need dads that will listen, be safe and close (the tears flowed way more than I expected, way more than usual when I talk with others), and yet speak strong and hard words--"Do what is right. Do what you need to do. Keep taking it to the LORD."
And now...for my part...
Held off because
Well, he doesn't know much of the situation
He's quite distant from it
Being half a world away and all
And not knowing some of the pieces
And ... aren't you supposed to talk directly
to the person/people involved first?
But I've tried sometimes
And didn't know what to do next
Finally decided
there was a part I could and should ask him about
I guess I needed someone truly safe
Someone who really loves me to the end
And someone with whom I can really share my heart
I also wanted to talk to him
because I knew he would bring wisdom
because I knew he would tell it to me straight
He would question heart motives
He wouldn't let me smooth over anything
No way to bluff, hide...
If I had wanted to
And, well, you delivered Dad
Good, hard.
Words of truth delivered so straight
And so gently
Yet, not stopped by my tears (good!)
He said,
"Maybe the one thing you don't want to do, is what you need to do."
"Do you love...? ...the second commandment is an outflow of the first""We're challenged to be thankful in all things...we're challenged to do things we cannot do on our own."
"You need to keep focused on [your purpose]."
And then there were the comments like, "Yes, you could be hurt again,." "This will refine you," and, "Keep taking it to God."
What more does a person need when facing tough challenges?
...when it's hard to figure out what to do,
...and easy to put off going forward because it is so darn hard!
Thank you Daddy!
Forty-one-year-old daughters, still need dads that will listen, be safe and close (the tears flowed way more than I expected, way more than usual when I talk with others), and yet speak strong and hard words--"Do what is right. Do what you need to do. Keep taking it to the LORD."
And now...for my part...
Moving on...
The time is now
To make a plan
And move to action
Enough of this moping
There is way too much to do
Too much good to pursue
Too many people to bless
So many opportunities not yet seen
And so many things I am thankful are over
I will learn grace
I will learn the power of the cross
I will continue to choose to forgive
and re-frame all memories
in the shape of hope
Don't want to play ...
There are so many different games
I don't want to play anymore...
I don't want to play anymore...
Pretending we are comrades
Pretending we are friends
Walking this life together
But the sharing only goes one way
But the sharing only goes one way
Evaluating the roles of others
Looking so good and so busy
The knowledgeable one
The wise one
but hiding so many insecurities
Manipulations
Compliments that leave one with nothing to say
What was that about?
How does one respond?
How does one respond?
Falsity...
Looks so true in one situation
But comes up empty in another
How can I
Refuse to play these games
Refuse to play these games
Yet still keep a soft heart
And learn to live in love
How Do I Do This?
Really not sure how it's going to go
Or how to approach
All quite overwhelming
And I'm doing the best I can see to do
But it's never enough
Lots of failure
I'm exhausted
Lord, awaken me in the morning with the news of Your unfailing love
Or how to approach
All quite overwhelming
And I'm doing the best I can see to do
But it's never enough
Lots of failure
I'm exhausted
Lord, awaken me in the morning with the news of Your unfailing love
May this day be used well
May any distractions I follow
...still serve to advance what is good.
But may I also discern,
and reject useless distractions.
There is
work to do,
a heart to cultivate,
ears to clean out,
direction and hope to receive.
May this day be used well!
...still serve to advance what is good.
But may I also discern,
and reject useless distractions.
There is
work to do,
a heart to cultivate,
ears to clean out,
direction and hope to receive.
May this day be used well!
Did You Like it Lord?
Did You like it Lord?
Were You pleased?
Honoured?
I hope so
Did truth shine through?
Did it draw them to You?
Could they see their need
and Your provision?
Was it strong enough?
Or just a lame tag-on?
Oh, no, not the latter, please!
They seemed to feel it
Then seemed to connect
They recognized, affirmed
They have the same problem I have
After all the things we can do and want to do
To be better people
In the end
I must admit--my heart can be just rotten
And sometimes I just don't want to do or be good
Did they see it clearly enough?
Was it powerful enough to remember?
Oh, but I didn't really tell them how to go forward
Not even to say, "talk to me later"
I did say ... 'only You' as solution
This, too, I trust into Your hands
I've been praying, asking, seeking
Earlier, then lots this past week or more
I trust that You gave wisdom
And Words
Lord, take the seeds now
Plant them deep
May they come to life
In fertile hearts
Hope is Rising--4
He's back to 4 today. Good! I'm so glad. And he's saying "thank you" more often now too. Good signs!
Is he pulling through? Coming out of danger? After what happened this week, is there a real and permanent change that has happened and will make all the difference?
Ever since that week he was really low, two nights and the next morning where I wondered if he was already gone, we've had this system. It seems to be the easiest thing, and he can answer even if he doesn't want to answer anything else....a text message, a number between 1 and 10--the "hope" level for the day.
The highest ever has been a 6--just one day, and there were some 5's, there there were lots of 4's, but this past week or more it's been 3. And actually...I don't remember if he's said 2... Thursday when I asked about 1, he didn't want to talk about it. Two is needing to drop out of school, at least for a time. One is thinking of suicide. Yes, scary that about suicide the answer was, "Can I not say?"
That day and the next were still 3. But today, after a good time of playing basketball, back to 4.
What pain. What loss. I have no idea how I would cope if it were me.
What will this look like years from now? I have no idea. I do hope it's glorious! I hope his life is full of Hope and Joy and Love. I hope he has a wonderful family and is a great husband and dad. I hope he never leaves them to work far away. I hope the One who loves him most really has become his Father, and that the pain of losing his earthly dad becomes healing. I hope he finds healing for all the scars--the pain and the guilt.
I hope he has an incredible story that he loves to tell. I hope he tells it with grace and dignity. And I hope many gain the same through his life, his story, his healing...pointing to another.
I hope for what I do not see, but is completely possible, maybe actually on the way.
Is he pulling through? Coming out of danger? After what happened this week, is there a real and permanent change that has happened and will make all the difference?
Ever since that week he was really low, two nights and the next morning where I wondered if he was already gone, we've had this system. It seems to be the easiest thing, and he can answer even if he doesn't want to answer anything else....a text message, a number between 1 and 10--the "hope" level for the day.
The highest ever has been a 6--just one day, and there were some 5's, there there were lots of 4's, but this past week or more it's been 3. And actually...I don't remember if he's said 2... Thursday when I asked about 1, he didn't want to talk about it. Two is needing to drop out of school, at least for a time. One is thinking of suicide. Yes, scary that about suicide the answer was, "Can I not say?"
That day and the next were still 3. But today, after a good time of playing basketball, back to 4.
What pain. What loss. I have no idea how I would cope if it were me.
What will this look like years from now? I have no idea. I do hope it's glorious! I hope his life is full of Hope and Joy and Love. I hope he has a wonderful family and is a great husband and dad. I hope he never leaves them to work far away. I hope the One who loves him most really has become his Father, and that the pain of losing his earthly dad becomes healing. I hope he finds healing for all the scars--the pain and the guilt.
I hope he has an incredible story that he loves to tell. I hope he tells it with grace and dignity. And I hope many gain the same through his life, his story, his healing...pointing to another.
I hope for what I do not see, but is completely possible, maybe actually on the way.
I Pause to Weep...
I pause to weep for her
for her pain
What would it be like? I can't imagine
To have your mom come to town
Lay on your bed, tell you how
A week ago she almost took her life
Well, not sure if she really wanted to take her life
They had been fighting,
and this story has happened before
Mom and Dad fighting
(Usually he's mad because she keeps needing to take medicine
And it costs money)
He was drunk
And mad
so he said he was going to kill himself
grabbed the bottle of pesticide
She told the kids to stop him
He couldn't open the bottle
The kids couldn't stop him, turn to her
She wrestled it from him
And smashed it on the ground
Then, to shock him
took a rope and started to hang herself
(story a little fuzzy at this point)
but she fell
and the rope was tight
and she couldn't get free
fainted
a neighbour saw
called others
and rescued
but this wasn't the first time
and, other than feeling bad for the kids
she wonders why not
I began pausing to weep for the daughter
but now ... also the father
and mother
and children
father...feels he doesn't get a return on his labour
mother...doesn't know if life is worth it, regrets marrying this man
children...one, when in grade 3, tried to hang herself one day when she was mad
I'm sure they feel much more than all this...
This is the part I heard
I pause to weep...
for her pain
What would it be like? I can't imagine
To have your mom come to town
Lay on your bed, tell you how
A week ago she almost took her life
Well, not sure if she really wanted to take her life
They had been fighting,
and this story has happened before
Mom and Dad fighting
(Usually he's mad because she keeps needing to take medicine
And it costs money)
He was drunk
And mad
so he said he was going to kill himself
grabbed the bottle of pesticide
She told the kids to stop him
He couldn't open the bottle
The kids couldn't stop him, turn to her
She wrestled it from him
And smashed it on the ground
Then, to shock him
took a rope and started to hang herself
(story a little fuzzy at this point)
but she fell
and the rope was tight
and she couldn't get free
fainted
a neighbour saw
called others
and rescued
but this wasn't the first time
and, other than feeling bad for the kids
she wonders why not
I began pausing to weep for the daughter
but now ... also the father
and mother
and children
father...feels he doesn't get a return on his labour
mother...doesn't know if life is worth it, regrets marrying this man
children...one, when in grade 3, tried to hang herself one day when she was mad
I'm sure they feel much more than all this...
This is the part I heard
I pause to weep...
His dad left today
His dad left today, left to go work somewhere else in this big country. He didn't want him to leave, wanted him to stay around for the rest of this year at least, but he left. He left, not taking a phone. Not planning to have a phone. When will they next be in touch? When will he next hear from him?
Two years go this time, he was in grade 12, and his dad was working far away, when the rumours started. Rumours, and some evidence he saw himself--mom seemed to be involved with someone else. He pleaded with is dad, take mom to where you are. He fought for the family, and they are still together. It was in one of those conversations his dad told him, "When we got married I found out she was pregnant with you." He is another man's son. Whose...I wonder how much he wonders. Later his dad came back and said something like, "but you have always been my son". A son of love, if not of blood.
He is going to do better than his dad. He is learning to look in the face of the pain. He feels it, he admits it. Oh, he's not too good at admitting it yet, but he's learning. And he's learning to admit his struggle, his weakness. He'll learn to be able to work things through with others.
His dad...I'm sure he's done the best he can. In so many ways I respect him. But...he carries his own wounds. He is still physically affected by beatings received as a child. And having your own father shoot and kill your brother. Yes, his dad has his own wounds.
Lord, bring Your healing to this family. When and how will this young man ever feel safe enough to be completely and totally vulnerable? To admit his deep need. To find hope and healing in You.
He's trying to learn. He's working to grow. But sometimes the pain is deep and he feels so small.
Tears are falling today, falling for this young man, and for the gap and for the pain.
Two years go this time, he was in grade 12, and his dad was working far away, when the rumours started. Rumours, and some evidence he saw himself--mom seemed to be involved with someone else. He pleaded with is dad, take mom to where you are. He fought for the family, and they are still together. It was in one of those conversations his dad told him, "When we got married I found out she was pregnant with you." He is another man's son. Whose...I wonder how much he wonders. Later his dad came back and said something like, "but you have always been my son". A son of love, if not of blood.
He is going to do better than his dad. He is learning to look in the face of the pain. He feels it, he admits it. Oh, he's not too good at admitting it yet, but he's learning. And he's learning to admit his struggle, his weakness. He'll learn to be able to work things through with others.
His dad...I'm sure he's done the best he can. In so many ways I respect him. But...he carries his own wounds. He is still physically affected by beatings received as a child. And having your own father shoot and kill your brother. Yes, his dad has his own wounds.
Lord, bring Your healing to this family. When and how will this young man ever feel safe enough to be completely and totally vulnerable? To admit his deep need. To find hope and healing in You.
He's trying to learn. He's working to grow. But sometimes the pain is deep and he feels so small.
Tears are falling today, falling for this young man, and for the gap and for the pain.
The Me I Don't Want to Be
I'm doing it now
Living it out
The life of the me I don't want to be
I thought
I've always strived to
Work out problems with others
If there is something wrong
Something I suspect in them
Or something bothering me
To bring it up
Try to talk
Try to work it out
But I'm not doing that now
Don't know how
Have tried
Doesn't seem to work
Aware that some or even much of the problem is in my heart
So why bother working it through with them
They aren't necessarily going to help
They don't feel safe for the process
How did I get here
Living like this
Now I understand how it happens
But how can I ... get beyond this?
Ananias
How you must have trusted him
How much did you risk
Or, was it really no risk at all
Before you even asked him to go pray for Saul's healing
(Saul, this murderer of Christians, dangerous, wild)
Before you even asked him
You had already showed Saul a vision that he would come
What if he didn't go
What if he ran away
(like Jonah)
What if he doubted it was Your voice
What if he rationalized it away
What if he hesitated, delayed, until the opportunity passed?
(like I have done too many times)
Or just flatly said, 'no'
But it seems You knew he wouldn't
Even allowing for the questions he raised
Who was this man
What kind of faith
What kind of relationship with You
Had been cultivated
Over so many years
There must have been years of faithfully seeking You,
Knowing You
Hearing Your voice
And obeying
This hidden man
(is he mentioned before, or again after)
Suddenly comes into our line of vision
Becomes a part of the story we know
But You must have known him so well long before
You knew he was one You could call on
To obey
To faithfully follow
To come out of contented obscurity for a time
And return to obscurity again
A life lived for You, in Your Presence
A life where interactions with others
Flow from abiding in You
Lord, You know...
Lord, You know our loneliness
You know our ache
You know the ways we try to run
And to fill
We fill the ache in many ways that are not You
And will not fill
Yesterday
You showed me my ways
Today
You showed me hers
Guard me Lord
From judging
From the pride and arrogance
That make me think somehow my ways
Are better than hers
And preserve me Lord
May I never justify
Or bail
Keep me running back to You
Clinging to You
And help her see it too
And run back to You
Lead us to the life that is full and free
Full...in You
Free...in You
More Mysterious
You, God
Are harder to define
Harder to find
Harder to understand
Than I ever knew before
You are less clear
Less easy to explain
My prayers have less words
I hardly know what to say to You
And yet You are more safe
I am more sure
Sure in the uncertainty
That is the You
I know better than ever
He meets us where we are
In the past my biggest morning struggle was to get past the worry, to trust.
Now, it's to get past all the hurts and disappointments, to hope.
Thank you LORD, in the struggle today, what I needed to hear came in a subscribed email, "why it’s worth it to keep on hoping…". And then the parts of verses that came to mind in the light of dawn rising, also showed up in the blogs I went to read from there--connected from the first one. It was a rather random clicking...of the many, just choosing a few whose titles seemed good. (I should know by now, it is often how You speak to me through blogs and themes.)
"Even though the fig tree does not bloom...", I thought, and here I read:
"Even though the fig trees have no blossoms;
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields
and the cattle barns are empty ... "
" ... yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights."
Habakkuk 3:17-19
And I realized I am looking at all the negatives, but there is much good. I remembered, "forget not all His benefits...", and then here I read:
“Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not
all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and
compassion.” Psalm 103:2-4 (NIV)
Thank you LORD. Although I can barely see You, barely reach for You, as I cry out to You, You reach out to me, and in little ways you show you are here, listening, watching over, and confirming. I know what to do today--rejoice in You, in who You are, and remember the things You have done. LORD, I look for that grown of love and compassion. May that be what flows out of me to others today, in spite of the sadness inside.
Living up to my own teaching?
On Saturday night we had a huge meeting with all of our sponsored students--around eighty of them. We reviewed some of the highlights of our programing, went over the purpose, rewarded and recognized those who had invested, succeeded and grown, and rolled out the plans for this term. It was an exciting time. It's been a long time since we've been able to gather everyone together at the same time in the same room--good to be in our new place!
As staff, we were excited about the involvement of the students. "Some of them really trust us!" one said. They went ahead and checked boxes, signing up for activities without going to read the description. And I felt the same thing about the twelve who signed up for our newest activity--one for those in the higher levels. I don't even have it all worked out yet! There were no dates on the calendar for them to write down--but just with hearing the vision, that it would be flexible to their schedule, and that they'd be able to complete some parts over Spring Festival and after they graduate next year, twelve signed up.
But there was something else we were also feeling. Later one staff member said what she felt up at the front there--the incredible need to keep growing herself.
I know the feeling. I was feeling it in my heart too, but perhaps differently than she was. There I was calling students to the front--commending their stories of growing in honesty and courage. There I was telling students about programs in which we examine our own lives, learn to lead our selves, face and deal with the issues of our heart, character, and personality.
And there I was knowing there are so many things I am still working on. Sometimes it seems there isn't time, I let some of them slide. Sometimes I want to run and hide, not face them. Sometimes...
But I cannot NOT go forward. I must learn to lead myself. I must learn to live a life "that renews the life of God" in me. I must live with a sensitive heart--sensitive to the Spirit of God, and sensitive to the signals that something is not right--within or with someone else. And I must continually do the work of making things right with others--learning to understand, listen, apologize, forgive. There are some things on this list right now. I must create time and space in my schedule for the work that is needed.
(written about two weeks ago)
As staff, we were excited about the involvement of the students. "Some of them really trust us!" one said. They went ahead and checked boxes, signing up for activities without going to read the description. And I felt the same thing about the twelve who signed up for our newest activity--one for those in the higher levels. I don't even have it all worked out yet! There were no dates on the calendar for them to write down--but just with hearing the vision, that it would be flexible to their schedule, and that they'd be able to complete some parts over Spring Festival and after they graduate next year, twelve signed up.
But there was something else we were also feeling. Later one staff member said what she felt up at the front there--the incredible need to keep growing herself.
I know the feeling. I was feeling it in my heart too, but perhaps differently than she was. There I was calling students to the front--commending their stories of growing in honesty and courage. There I was telling students about programs in which we examine our own lives, learn to lead our selves, face and deal with the issues of our heart, character, and personality.
And there I was knowing there are so many things I am still working on. Sometimes it seems there isn't time, I let some of them slide. Sometimes I want to run and hide, not face them. Sometimes...
But I cannot NOT go forward. I must learn to lead myself. I must learn to live a life "that renews the life of God" in me. I must live with a sensitive heart--sensitive to the Spirit of God, and sensitive to the signals that something is not right--within or with someone else. And I must continually do the work of making things right with others--learning to understand, listen, apologize, forgive. There are some things on this list right now. I must create time and space in my schedule for the work that is needed.
(written about two weeks ago)
Good enough?
Don't think I'm going to be able to be good enough for them
But, do I have Your approval LORD?
Have I heard Your voice?
Am I listening daily to hear?
Do I know You?
Have You led me to this point?
Can I trust that You really do direct me daily?
Sometimes a shake-up is good
To re-ask the questions
To re-confirm
To re-discover
if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing
working in the way that I should be working
Hard sometimes
To be confortable with the disapproval of others
And yet I never want to be too comfortable with it
not listening to what I might learn from them
There is much to be learned,
and much truth in the criticism
Above all
I must learn to know Your voice
Everything must be filtered through how You see it
What is Your truth
What is Your truth about me?
And what is the truth about You?
You...
Full of unfailing love and compassion
You...always looking to heal and restore
You...able to make all things new
Even if the truth about me is really bad
It is not beyond You
Not bigger than You
You are still a safe refuge
In You there is always hope
No matter how it seems
You can, and are working to fulfill Your good purposes
in and through me
But, do I have Your approval LORD?
Have I heard Your voice?
Am I listening daily to hear?
Do I know You?
Have You led me to this point?
Can I trust that You really do direct me daily?
Sometimes a shake-up is good
To re-ask the questions
To re-confirm
To re-discover
if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing
working in the way that I should be working
Hard sometimes
To be confortable with the disapproval of others
And yet I never want to be too comfortable with it
not listening to what I might learn from them
There is much to be learned,
and much truth in the criticism
Above all
I must learn to know Your voice
Everything must be filtered through how You see it
What is Your truth
What is Your truth about me?
And what is the truth about You?
You...
Full of unfailing love and compassion
You...always looking to heal and restore
You...able to make all things new
Even if the truth about me is really bad
It is not beyond You
Not bigger than You
You are still a safe refuge
In You there is always hope
No matter how it seems
You can, and are working to fulfill Your good purposes
in and through me
Dark clouds hover
The weather matches my heart these days
Don't like this sadness,
This ache that just ... stays
But I will move on
Eventually
Hopefully I'll forget
And I'll choose to praise
And believe
Behind the clouds
There really is a sun
And there is a God
Who carries
I Choose...
I choose...
to put my hope in You today LORD
Thank you that no one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame
I choose...
to trust in You with all my heart
and lean not on my own understanding
Thank You, You will and You do direct my paths
I choose...
to dwell on the good
to remember the joys
to turn my heart and mind away from
doubts
fears
cynicism about others
I choose...
to capture the negative thoughts
to stop them
to recognize
in so many ways
my memories of the pain, the brokenness and the evil
stop me from seeing and enjoying the good, the delight, the experience
that is here in the now
You came to give
life to the full
May I rejoice and delight
in every single bit
of life and fullness
that I see around me
I choose freedom
I choose love
I choose forgiveness
I choose to acknowledge dignity
I choose to laugh
I choose to sing
I choose delight
I choose hope
I choose praise
I choose to give thanks
Thank You, good God, Thank You!
Thank You, good God, Thank You!
Hurtin...
This hurt
This pain
Jesus...only You can fill me
Heal me
This hurt
This disappointment
Not getting what I so desperately wanted
Or
Realizing what I thought was there
Didn't really exist after all
Was it wrong to want
To share the journey
To enjoy companionship in the struggle
I thought we were
I thought that's where we were going
Did I put too much hope in human relationships
Wanting filled what only You can fill?
Maybe
And yet You designed us for community
So
Not completely
I thought we were sharing life
I was sharing...
But it didn't come back
Or maybe just not the way I wanted
Was I hoping and asking for too much?
That feeling of being left hanging
Again
It feels like
Rejection
Not worthy
Not good enough
Being duped
Used
Misled
Then abandoned
It hurts
I turn to You
This pain
Jesus...only You can fill me
Heal me
This hurt
This disappointment
Not getting what I so desperately wanted
Or
Realizing what I thought was there
Didn't really exist after all
Was it wrong to want
To share the journey
To enjoy companionship in the struggle
I thought we were
I thought that's where we were going
Did I put too much hope in human relationships
Wanting filled what only You can fill?
Maybe
And yet You designed us for community
So
Not completely
I thought we were sharing life
I was sharing...
But it didn't come back
Or maybe just not the way I wanted
Was I hoping and asking for too much?
That feeling of being left hanging
Again
It feels like
Rejection
Not worthy
Not good enough
Being duped
Used
Misled
Then abandoned
It hurts
I turn to You
Never been such a reluctant giver
Wow, that was strange
I heard they were looking for financial support
They did not tell me or ask me to support
I did NOT think they should be getting and living off support
I hoped others would NOT support
That it would all be seen to be the wrong direction
And then I sensed Father saying to me
'Give x-dollars/month'
What? No. I don't want to.
Okay, well if you really want me to,
I want to obey, more than to 'be right'
But this does not seem at all right.
And how do I know it is really You speaking?
Is this You? or is it my crazy brain?
I've never been such a reluctant giver
Usually when prompted, it's pretty easy
But this time--No, You couldn't be asking that
(I'm still trying to adjust to so much)
And the idea came
Again and again
As I kept bringing myself before the Lord
And it came today in conversation with them
And it came again when I came home
And felt again the flood--hurt, anger...
So today I did
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
I wonder if it will be a bit of a battle every month
It seems tempting to give for a year all at once
But I think I need to stick with monthly
And I sense
It may be a part of the healing of my heart
So I gave
Reluctant at first, but not later
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
To give
To obey
To be a part of the good that may come of later
To know healing
To have my heart transformed
To lay down the hurts, and anger
To refuse to let any bitter roots grow
I heard they were looking for financial support
They did not tell me or ask me to support
I did NOT think they should be getting and living off support
I hoped others would NOT support
That it would all be seen to be the wrong direction
And then I sensed Father saying to me
'Give x-dollars/month'
What? No. I don't want to.
Okay, well if you really want me to,
I want to obey, more than to 'be right'
But this does not seem at all right.
And how do I know it is really You speaking?
Is this You? or is it my crazy brain?
I've never been such a reluctant giver
Usually when prompted, it's pretty easy
But this time--No, You couldn't be asking that
(I'm still trying to adjust to so much)
And the idea came
Again and again
As I kept bringing myself before the Lord
And it came today in conversation with them
And it came again when I came home
And felt again the flood--hurt, anger...
So today I did
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
I wonder if it will be a bit of a battle every month
It seems tempting to give for a year all at once
But I think I need to stick with monthly
And I sense
It may be a part of the healing of my heart
So I gave
Reluctant at first, but not later
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
To give
To obey
To be a part of the good that may come of later
To know healing
To have my heart transformed
To lay down the hurts, and anger
To refuse to let any bitter roots grow
Alone
Alone
And yet not quite
But still
Quite solitary
We all are
For no one
Completely understands
Completely knows
At least not up close
Except One
And yet He lets me feel
The alone part
To draw close
To lean in
Alone is not so bad
(Not sure exactly when I wrote this--a month or two ago? more?--found it in Drafts folder. Not "feelin' it" now in the way I probably was when I wrote it, but I like it.)
And yet not quite
But still
Quite solitary
We all are
For no one
Completely understands
Completely knows
At least not up close
Except One
And yet He lets me feel
The alone part
To draw close
To lean in
Alone is not so bad
(Not sure exactly when I wrote this--a month or two ago? more?--found it in Drafts folder. Not "feelin' it" now in the way I probably was when I wrote it, but I like it.)
Where my heart goes...
My eyes were a little wet before heading to the centre this morning. Thinking about the grade 10 student...her mom died on the 12th, Mid-Autumn Day--a traditional family gathering day. I knew she would probably die that day, but didn't find out till yesterday.
At least a few tears should fall each time I learn that someone I know loses someone.
My eyes were wet again walking home from the centre after lunch. The grade 12 guy who lost his dad on July 9th--at this weekly chat he cried again; it's so hard. We talked about how he just couldn't hold the tears back at the night class on the 9th of this month. And how he keeps thinking (and I cry as I think it about it now), "He was dying, and I was playing." How does someone get over the guilt?
When I left the centre, another guy was still there. Since we've opened it up for them to stay and hang out after lunch--read, or do homework or just nap--he's stayed behind every time. He takes every single opportunity to stay, to hang out, to participate in activities. I'm glad. Back in February I was worried about him. His older brother told me he had said he had considered suicide, was struggling. He lost his dad 7 years ago, must have been only 10, I'm glad he's signed up for the grief group in October. His mom, was seeing someone, but the family was opposed. That was awkward. But he is keen to grow and learn--admit his struggles and go forward. I think he'll be okay, but he needs a home.
Lots of stuff for high school students to face. I can't imagine. Well, I can, so ... I cry.
I cry, usually when they are not around, after I have been in their presence to comfort and walk along-side, help them find their way, lead them through a process that I think will help strengthen. And then I step back, reflect, process, and cry.
"Father of the fatherless, come down and rescue us. We need you. We need you again" (Jason Upton)
At least a few tears should fall each time I learn that someone I know loses someone.
My eyes were wet again walking home from the centre after lunch. The grade 12 guy who lost his dad on July 9th--at this weekly chat he cried again; it's so hard. We talked about how he just couldn't hold the tears back at the night class on the 9th of this month. And how he keeps thinking (and I cry as I think it about it now), "He was dying, and I was playing." How does someone get over the guilt?
When I left the centre, another guy was still there. Since we've opened it up for them to stay and hang out after lunch--read, or do homework or just nap--he's stayed behind every time. He takes every single opportunity to stay, to hang out, to participate in activities. I'm glad. Back in February I was worried about him. His older brother told me he had said he had considered suicide, was struggling. He lost his dad 7 years ago, must have been only 10, I'm glad he's signed up for the grief group in October. His mom, was seeing someone, but the family was opposed. That was awkward. But he is keen to grow and learn--admit his struggles and go forward. I think he'll be okay, but he needs a home.
Lots of stuff for high school students to face. I can't imagine. Well, I can, so ... I cry.
I cry, usually when they are not around, after I have been in their presence to comfort and walk along-side, help them find their way, lead them through a process that I think will help strengthen. And then I step back, reflect, process, and cry.
"Father of the fatherless, come down and rescue us. We need you. We need you again" (Jason Upton)
Hope for even me!
Some became fools because of their rebellious
ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities...
then they
cried to the LORD in their trouble
and He saved them from their
distress.
Ps. 107:17,19 TNIV
Today, coming before God, was a little difficult. Not sure what happened again last night, but I didn't sleep until 5 a.m. Well, I partly know what happened...I was thinking again. Again...same old issue, same old stuff I'm trying to figure out how to resolve, how to go forward with someone else. I'm still in the process of sorting it out. It wasn't like I was really agitated, just couldn't sleep, so then went on with writing the text and email I thought I should write (did not send it all yet though...needs time, and a review).
But it was discouraging.
After a week of going to bed on time 5 days last week...
After getting up and to the riverfront park near our office to pray with a colleaugue for a half hour before work 4 days this past week...
After knowing more "abiding" or "remaining" (John 15) in Him this week... After waking up Sunday with ready praise and easily giving thanks (most mornings I have to struggle to get there)...
After all that, it was discouraging to wake up again groggy, and frustrated, and wondering what went wrong, and what on earth should be said or not be said in this relationship.
Then I listened to a couple of Psalms, and one verse in Psalm 107 caught my ear and gave me hope. You know the passage? "Some people..." wandered in the desert, or were on the high seas, or...were facing such and such a trouble, and nearly died, or were nearly finished. Then they cried out to the LORD for help, and He heard them, and over and over again the NLT says, "He saved them from their distress."
Then came verses 17-21
Some became fools because of their rebellious
ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities...
then they
cried to the LORD in their trouble
and He saved them from their
distress.
He sent out His word and healed them, He rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for humankind...
And I realized...there is hope for even me today! Even if and when my troubles arise from some of my own foolishness, not knowing how to lay things down, struggling to get past an angry heart.
LORD, help! I so need you. I am so lost in this situation. I do not know how to see it. I do not know where to get advice. Everything I try doesn't seem to work. Moments of clarity are few and far between. I do not know what is wrong with my heart or wrong with the relationship, or how to lay it down or go forward. LORD help. Please heal. Please rescue.
Thank You that You hear. Thank You for Your unfailing love, for even me!
Is this my biggest sin?
Well maybe it's not my biggest--I am not sure "bigness" really matters anyway--but it may be my most common sin, yet something I have not seen so clearly as "sin".
It is: staying up too late, not getting my butt in gear to get to bed.
It has been my habit for as long as I can remember--junior high maybe.
In my heart, I think I used to take pride in the 'all-nighters', mock or somewhat despise those who lived such disciplined lives that they couldn't do them.
Late nights caused seriously embarrassing trouble twice--when I slept through the alarm the next day for work. Oh ,I have done that more than twice, but there were two times that were very embarassing (radio operator in Forestry--the whole forest knew about it--22 towers, the pilots that were to be flying...the dispatch officers)...bad... There were other times too--thinking about them now, ooh, feel bad about that.
The lack of discipline and late nights have, for many years, made it hard to get up in the morning.
Only in the past two or three years, have I seen the serious need to spend time with the Lord in the morning, and the need to go to bed earlier for that. Only in the past two or three years have I seen the connection between a regular earlier night's sleep, and regular better productivity at work. It has been a serious goal to have more and more nights in bed before midnight. I DO now regularly have more and more nights in bed before midnight.
But I do fall of the bandwagon. I do still have some late nights. And there are some nights where I go to bed in plenty of time, but then have a hard time sleeping--thinking so much, processing, finding it hard to lay things down. This last kind--I'm learning, but I consider them a little more out of my realm of control.
In the last couple of weeks I have been going to bed later than needed, but for no good reason. I just go online, read some articles, check out FB, kill a couple of hours before going to bed. "Kill" time--I hate that thought...I wasn't intending to, but I did kill it, waste it.
Today, thanks to Ann Voskamp, I read an article by Tim Keller, Wisdom and Sabbath Rest. Good stuff. Take a read.
And how I realized this waste of time really is serious?
The verse, Ephesians 5:15-17:
Then the comment that the KJV translates with the line "redeeming the time". Keller says, "Living wisely (or circumspectly) is to a great degree a matter of how we spend our time." And later he points out:
Oh Lord, I am so sorry. I see it now. I so often take this way too lightly. Experience is already telling me, and Your Word is telling me...it is a serious matter for consideration, and action! Lord have mercy. Lord forgive. Lord, I seek to live in obedience.
It is: staying up too late, not getting my butt in gear to get to bed.
It has been my habit for as long as I can remember--junior high maybe.
In my heart, I think I used to take pride in the 'all-nighters', mock or somewhat despise those who lived such disciplined lives that they couldn't do them.
Late nights caused seriously embarrassing trouble twice--when I slept through the alarm the next day for work. Oh ,I have done that more than twice, but there were two times that were very embarassing (radio operator in Forestry--the whole forest knew about it--22 towers, the pilots that were to be flying...the dispatch officers)...bad... There were other times too--thinking about them now, ooh, feel bad about that.
The lack of discipline and late nights have, for many years, made it hard to get up in the morning.
Only in the past two or three years, have I seen the serious need to spend time with the Lord in the morning, and the need to go to bed earlier for that. Only in the past two or three years have I seen the connection between a regular earlier night's sleep, and regular better productivity at work. It has been a serious goal to have more and more nights in bed before midnight. I DO now regularly have more and more nights in bed before midnight.
But I do fall of the bandwagon. I do still have some late nights. And there are some nights where I go to bed in plenty of time, but then have a hard time sleeping--thinking so much, processing, finding it hard to lay things down. This last kind--I'm learning, but I consider them a little more out of my realm of control.
In the last couple of weeks I have been going to bed later than needed, but for no good reason. I just go online, read some articles, check out FB, kill a couple of hours before going to bed. "Kill" time--I hate that thought...I wasn't intending to, but I did kill it, waste it.
Today, thanks to Ann Voskamp, I read an article by Tim Keller, Wisdom and Sabbath Rest. Good stuff. Take a read.
And how I realized this waste of time really is serious?
The verse, Ephesians 5:15-17:
"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."
Then the comment that the KJV translates with the line "redeeming the time". Keller says, "Living wisely (or circumspectly) is to a great degree a matter of how we spend our time." And later he points out:
"Time-stewardship is a command!"
Oh Lord, I am so sorry. I see it now. I so often take this way too lightly. Experience is already telling me, and Your Word is telling me...it is a serious matter for consideration, and action! Lord have mercy. Lord forgive. Lord, I seek to live in obedience.
Jesus Prayer...starting to get it
When I first heard about the Jesus Prayer, I thought it was kind of strange.
I don't anymore.
Simple, one line--"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
And some people repeat it over and over? What's with that?
It seemed...too simple, and, more importantly, stuck at the beginning--that's what I thought. Isn't this too much focus on our sin, our sinfulness? Aren't we forgiven? and free? Don't we now stand righteous and clean before the throne of God because of what Jesus did for us?
Yes, we are. Yes, we do. Forgiven. Clean.
But now I understand.
This morning, this was my prayer.
I think this is the prayer that needs to remain on my lips, flow from my heart, until its truth echoes to the deepest regions of my heart, until the transformation comes.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God...
You are the One I turn to. You are the only one who can rescue. You are...
...have mercy on me...
God, I can do nothing on my own. I'm so lost without you. I cannot transform myself. You tell me to love, to not consider my own interests, to... but I can't make myself love like that, I cannot find a way to be like you.
...a sinner.
Yes, I'm redeemed, but...oh God, I'm so far away. My heart is far uglier than I imagined. And in all this 'stuff' with other people that is going on...yeah, I am disappointed with what they have done, but I can totally see how they can feel exactly the same about me. I am ... a sinner.
Sometimes all I can pray, and all I can pray repeatedly, is:
I don't anymore.
Simple, one line--"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
And some people repeat it over and over? What's with that?
It seemed...too simple, and, more importantly, stuck at the beginning--that's what I thought. Isn't this too much focus on our sin, our sinfulness? Aren't we forgiven? and free? Don't we now stand righteous and clean before the throne of God because of what Jesus did for us?
Yes, we are. Yes, we do. Forgiven. Clean.
But now I understand.
This morning, this was my prayer.
I think this is the prayer that needs to remain on my lips, flow from my heart, until its truth echoes to the deepest regions of my heart, until the transformation comes.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God...
You are the One I turn to. You are the only one who can rescue. You are...
...have mercy on me...
God, I can do nothing on my own. I'm so lost without you. I cannot transform myself. You tell me to love, to not consider my own interests, to... but I can't make myself love like that, I cannot find a way to be like you.
...a sinner.
Yes, I'm redeemed, but...oh God, I'm so far away. My heart is far uglier than I imagined. And in all this 'stuff' with other people that is going on...yeah, I am disappointed with what they have done, but I can totally see how they can feel exactly the same about me. I am ... a sinner.
Sometimes all I can pray, and all I can pray repeatedly, is:
Lord Jesus Christ,
Son of God,
Son of God,
have mercy on me,
a sinner.
Anything Shattered
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
(There are other versions--some where Todd Smith introduces, telling the about losing their baby...but that's another story (see his wife Angie's blog--Bring the Rain)--and another song "I Will Carry You")
Unredeemed (by --Selah)
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years
Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
All I can do...
Not quite sure what's going on with me these days.
Two weeks ago I was relieved when a friend on a call answered the "How are you?" with "I'm not really sure." Nice to not be the only one.
Something's not quite right with my heart.
Not sure why I can't seem to lay this stuff down.
Why do I get so frustrated and angry?
What am I holding on to?
What does it mean to love, to go on?
Yes...I've alluded to it above...I have an idea that what is wrong has to do with needing to learn to love (still), and forgiveness (again, still), and ...
I'm trying.
I just don't know quite how.
I just don't quite know what to do.
Am I making things too complicated? Maybe, not trying to.
Am I making excuses? Maybe, I hope not.
Am I just resisting? I resist, then I lay it down. I really do not want a heart that harbours bitterness, unforgiveness.
There is a part of me that resists laying it all down because I really think there is something that they need to do, something they need to pay attention to.
But they are not listening. They don't want to know, or respond to my ideas.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. I hope I don't care most about being right.
So...I don't quite know where I am right now with this. And I don't quite know what I'm supposed to be doing with it all.
All I can do is keep bringing it all to Jesus. I keep coming. I keep asking. I keep trying to listen. I keep pondering His words: Abide in me. Abide in my love. To abide is to keep my commandments. My commandment is this: love one another. Love is patient, love is kind...it is not puffed up, it doesn't seek it's own will. Love comes from God.
I keep coming to Jesus. I keep coming to God. I keep coming and asking that He'd pour His love into my heart, and show me the way. I keep choosing to forgive. I keep choosing to learn how to love, to really love.
Jesus...
Two weeks ago I was relieved when a friend on a call answered the "How are you?" with "I'm not really sure." Nice to not be the only one.
Something's not quite right with my heart.
Not sure why I can't seem to lay this stuff down.
Why do I get so frustrated and angry?
What am I holding on to?
What does it mean to love, to go on?
Yes...I've alluded to it above...I have an idea that what is wrong has to do with needing to learn to love (still), and forgiveness (again, still), and ...
I'm trying.
I just don't know quite how.
I just don't quite know what to do.
Am I making things too complicated? Maybe, not trying to.
Am I making excuses? Maybe, I hope not.
Am I just resisting? I resist, then I lay it down. I really do not want a heart that harbours bitterness, unforgiveness.
There is a part of me that resists laying it all down because I really think there is something that they need to do, something they need to pay attention to.
But they are not listening. They don't want to know, or respond to my ideas.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. I hope I don't care most about being right.
So...I don't quite know where I am right now with this. And I don't quite know what I'm supposed to be doing with it all.
All I can do is keep bringing it all to Jesus. I keep coming. I keep asking. I keep trying to listen. I keep pondering His words: Abide in me. Abide in my love. To abide is to keep my commandments. My commandment is this: love one another. Love is patient, love is kind...it is not puffed up, it doesn't seek it's own will. Love comes from God.
I keep coming to Jesus. I keep coming to God. I keep coming and asking that He'd pour His love into my heart, and show me the way. I keep choosing to forgive. I keep choosing to learn how to love, to really love.
Jesus...
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