Never been such a reluctant giver

Wow, that was strange
I heard they were looking for financial support
They did not tell me or ask me to support
I did NOT think they should be getting and living off support
I hoped others would NOT support
That it would all be seen to be the wrong direction

And then I sensed Father saying to me
'Give x-dollars/month'
What? No. I don't want to.
Okay, well if you really want me to, 
I want to obey, more than to 'be right'
But this does not seem at all right.
And how do I know it is really You speaking?
Is this You? or is it my crazy brain?

I've never been such a reluctant giver
Usually when prompted, it's pretty easy
But this time--No, You couldn't be asking that
(I'm still trying to adjust to so much)

And the idea came
Again and again
As I kept bringing myself before the Lord
And it came today in conversation with them
And it came again when I came home 
And felt again the flood--hurt, anger...

So today I did
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity

I wonder if it will be a bit of a battle every month
It seems tempting to give for a year all at once
But I think I need to stick with monthly

And I sense
It may be a part of the healing of my heart

So I gave
Reluctant at first, but not later

I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
To give
To obey
To be a part of the good that may come of later
To know healing
To have my heart transformed
To lay down the hurts, and anger
To refuse to let any bitter roots grow

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