Jesus, Messiah
Peace to this earth
You came to bring
Fill my heart
Fill my life
Continue the transformation
You have begun
Lead me
Lead us all
By Your Light
Out of our darkness
And joy
Fill our lives with your joy
For the journey is long
And hard
As Yours was much more so
But for the joy set before you...
You endured
And finished well
So may we live with joy
And worship
And live with Peace
In Light
So may I live with joy
Will it ever end?
For some it is like this I hear...
Adolescence
Parent and child
Who knows why there are so many flare ups
Why every word (it seems) comes ripe with the potential for
Misunderstanding, mistrust, misconstruing
So many conversations trying to reconcile
Work things out
Explain
Understand
But still new ones come
Who knows where they come from sometimes
Will it ever end?
And it just hurts
It's just hard
Looking at someone you care for
Knowing you're unable to express the care
Or, somehow, every time you try
It doesn't make it to their heart, their understanding
Feeling you are despised, a pain
Them feeling they are that to you, too
Will we make it through this time of pain?
What will it take?
Is there something different to do?
Another way to live?
All I know to do
Is to keep holding on to this hand that is holding me
And not give up
Jesus, search, reveal, renew, restore
Grant faith, hope, endurance, and joy
To somehow make it through this season
And emerge on the other side
With an incredible story to tell
A story of Your grace and mercy
Adolescence
Parent and child
Who knows why there are so many flare ups
Why every word (it seems) comes ripe with the potential for
Misunderstanding, mistrust, misconstruing
So many conversations trying to reconcile
Work things out
Explain
Understand
But still new ones come
Who knows where they come from sometimes
Will it ever end?
And it just hurts
It's just hard
Looking at someone you care for
Knowing you're unable to express the care
Or, somehow, every time you try
It doesn't make it to their heart, their understanding
Feeling you are despised, a pain
Them feeling they are that to you, too
Will we make it through this time of pain?
What will it take?
Is there something different to do?
Another way to live?
All I know to do
Is to keep holding on to this hand that is holding me
And not give up
Jesus, search, reveal, renew, restore
Grant faith, hope, endurance, and joy
To somehow make it through this season
And emerge on the other side
With an incredible story to tell
A story of Your grace and mercy
The Cost of Tears
It just occurred to me that one key to learning to live or regaining my balance might be to budget in about 5 hours for "crying" into each work week. Either that, or add an extra day of rest to cry and recover. I guess our staff all need that sort of time too...they are even closer to some painful situations.
The pain I see or hear about ... takes a serious toll. This week, the event that 'inspired' Cry for the Children was a baby girl having been given away. The person closer to the situation--also deeply affected and called to action.
Today ... there are bus rides, conversations, and people changing their minds, willing to try to go and find her... and I'm crying again.
Sometimes I think I'm crying tears people don't know to cry for themselves, or tears they've locked away deep inside...waiting for the day to come out.
I'm crying and praying for that baby girl...about 2 weeks old now. Where is she? Father, please protect her, prepare a home for her, a home where she will be loved.
If I sometimes feel I can hardly bear the pain... I wonder how God does it, He sees it so much more clearly.
But then, if He can see it and go on, then maybe I can too.
And maybe He can see it and go on, because He sees somethinge else so much more clearly than I--He sees what He wants to do and can do in the situation. He sees what He plans to do--the beauty, the hope, the purifying, the refining--the wonderful redemption He can and wills to bring about. Sometimes I can see a little of what might come, but I need to see more. Father, give me eyes of faith to see what You see, to see, believe, and walk forward in hope.
The pain I see or hear about ... takes a serious toll. This week, the event that 'inspired' Cry for the Children was a baby girl having been given away. The person closer to the situation--also deeply affected and called to action.
Today ... there are bus rides, conversations, and people changing their minds, willing to try to go and find her... and I'm crying again.
Sometimes I think I'm crying tears people don't know to cry for themselves, or tears they've locked away deep inside...waiting for the day to come out.
I'm crying and praying for that baby girl...about 2 weeks old now. Where is she? Father, please protect her, prepare a home for her, a home where she will be loved.
If I sometimes feel I can hardly bear the pain... I wonder how God does it, He sees it so much more clearly.
But then, if He can see it and go on, then maybe I can too.
And maybe He can see it and go on, because He sees somethinge else so much more clearly than I--He sees what He wants to do and can do in the situation. He sees what He plans to do--the beauty, the hope, the purifying, the refining--the wonderful redemption He can and wills to bring about. Sometimes I can see a little of what might come, but I need to see more. Father, give me eyes of faith to see what You see, to see, believe, and walk forward in hope.
Regaining Balance
It's a skill I guess, adjusting all along the way to the things that come...and I'm still trying to figure out how to do it.
I remember, a few years ago, when it became a part of my thinking: "Crises WILL come". At that point it was about crises with students in our program. Before that, something big would happen--a dropping out, an huge illness, even death--and it would throw us off and we'd be scrambling. Then I realized, we needed to anticipate, that crises would come. Once it became part of the thinking, it was easier--easier to allow and plan for the time that things might take, people that might need to be available, etc. We also made a plan for a 24-hour phone that ONE PERSON would carry at a time, and we would not all have to feel like we were all on call 24/7.
Now I need that same thinking again, but in other ways. I need to learn how to do big-picture planning. For that, I need time and space, and listening to God. But then these "crises" come up in the process, and then throw me for a major loop. These ones are of a different nature--people I thought I could rely on to carry a certain load, suddenly back away, and the load, or the decisions that are needed, land back on me. Ugh! What am I supposed to do? Sometimes it happens through miscommunication. Sometimes it is through immaturity. Sometimes it is a result of sudden loads that land on them--family and personal issues--and they have to adjust. For some...there are some things that can be done to prevent, for others ... maybe it just needs to once again become part of my thinking.
Somehow I need to learn to anticipate this sort of thing as part of this life, this job. And to remember...all along my Father knows. He has not been taken by surprise. He knew this would be coming, and he will give all I need for this time.
I don't need to lose my balance, I don't need to overreact. There can be peace each day, no matter what is coming! I do need to learn to plan for a lighter load though, because, things will happen, the load will be heavier than I foresee now.
I remember, a few years ago, when it became a part of my thinking: "Crises WILL come". At that point it was about crises with students in our program. Before that, something big would happen--a dropping out, an huge illness, even death--and it would throw us off and we'd be scrambling. Then I realized, we needed to anticipate, that crises would come. Once it became part of the thinking, it was easier--easier to allow and plan for the time that things might take, people that might need to be available, etc. We also made a plan for a 24-hour phone that ONE PERSON would carry at a time, and we would not all have to feel like we were all on call 24/7.
Now I need that same thinking again, but in other ways. I need to learn how to do big-picture planning. For that, I need time and space, and listening to God. But then these "crises" come up in the process, and then throw me for a major loop. These ones are of a different nature--people I thought I could rely on to carry a certain load, suddenly back away, and the load, or the decisions that are needed, land back on me. Ugh! What am I supposed to do? Sometimes it happens through miscommunication. Sometimes it is through immaturity. Sometimes it is a result of sudden loads that land on them--family and personal issues--and they have to adjust. For some...there are some things that can be done to prevent, for others ... maybe it just needs to once again become part of my thinking.
Somehow I need to learn to anticipate this sort of thing as part of this life, this job. And to remember...all along my Father knows. He has not been taken by surprise. He knew this would be coming, and he will give all I need for this time.
I don't need to lose my balance, I don't need to overreact. There can be peace each day, no matter what is coming! I do need to learn to plan for a lighter load though, because, things will happen, the load will be heavier than I foresee now.
Out of these Ashes
"Out of these ashes, beauty will rise" --Steven Curtis Chapman song
I don't know how.
I don't know when.
But a time is coming.
It will happen.
Sometimes there are brief glimpses into the future, brief ideas of possibility. Something good will come of all the death and destruction that has been. Something good and strong and beautiful will rise out of the pain and distrust.
A new day will dawn.
Light will shine.
Hope will rise.
Joy will flow.
Hope will shine.
And on that day, the tears will be replaced by awe and wonder.
Praise to our God shall resound.
And stories will be told--so many stories.
Stories of redemption.
Stories of rescue.
Stories of dark pits and despair exchanged for purpose and strength.
Stories of violence and abuse exchanged for treasuring and intimacy.
Stories of wimps--gutless, spineless men living only for their own pleasure--becoming men of courage, mighty in the land, respected and honoured by all.
Stories of women--once broken and abused, pandering after affection, not knowing their worth--now standing straight, walking tall, but also bending down...to lift another, encourage the disheartened, extend a hand to the weak.
These are the stories that will be told.
Once the ashes settle.
Once the time of tears comes to an end.
Once the healing bears its fruit.
Once bitten by a snake...
In Chinese it goes this way: 一朝被蛇咬，十年怕井绳, translated: a person once bitten by a snake will for ten years shy at a rope.
Sure, I dropped my stone, but it's all still so very sensitive. I flipped, over-reacted, again today. Oh, it's not just from that long-ago event and related issues, but from another earlier this week that really happened. Today's, was a perception, actually not just perception, but once again, "You did something different from what you said you would do. Can you be trusted at all?"
How do you get over jumping at every little thing that looks like a snake? Is it just a matter of time. And an ongoing series...of dropping the stone, again, and again. Oh, and apologizing for overreacting...
Cry for the Children
We cry for the children, both big and small
The children we didn't want
The children we didn't love
And now they are gone
No more
The ones gone
No more because we didn't want them
We didn't want anyone to know
We wanted to go on with our pleasure without responsibility
So we took a pill, had a surgery
The ones gone
No more because we didn't like their gender
Or how much it would cost to keep them
So we left them by the side of the road
or at a government office
Gone...
And we cry for ourselves
We are the children that were not wanted
Almost given away
or given away twice over
We bear in our hearts the pain
The rejection
The sins of the fathers
Repeated again and again
They didn't want me
I didn't want mine
And now all that is left is to
Cry for the children
(Yes, this one warrants a follow-up. I know...this is NOT the end, but now is a time to cry...)
I drop my stone...
Maybe that's what forgiveness is, just dropping the stone.
I've been wrestling, choosing to forgive, but then wondering if I really have. Is it forgiveness if I still remember? But I may never truly forget. It is the anger that sometimes comes with the remembering that makes me think there is work yet to be done.
And so I have spent much time before the Lord about this. Trying to learn how to forgive, figure out what exactly forgiveness is, and sometimes wondering if I am just playing games to avoid doing what I just need to do.
Forgiveness and trust are two different issues. Okay, so it makes sense that there can be forgiveness, but still a change in the relationship.
Forgiveness means agreeing to live with the consequences, pay the price, of the wrong that has been done (you have to live with them anyways--just a matter of whether or not you are willing). Okay...so I tried to think through that...what are the consequences? Perhaps listing and mental assent would help.
But then...
I participated in an activity--a "Living Scripture" analogy. It was about the woman caught in adultery--a reading of the passage, then a more personalized interpretive reading. At the end, an activity.
I knew this activity was coming...I had known for several weeks. I wanted to be able to say, with all integrity "neither do I condemn you". Ah, but in my heart I do sometimes still condemn (rotten heart of mine), and want to hold onto the condemnation. NO!! They must go free. They must be forgiven... I kept bringing this before the Lord.
On the day ... I handed the stone, and said, "Neither do I condemn you." (It is a choice to forgive. I can do this. this is my choice.) They looked at me ... not reaching out to take the stone. I asked, "Is there anyone left to condemn you?" They said, "Yes."
But then I rephrased it, and this is where the new understanding came. "Is there anyone without sin, that can cast the first stone?" (pause) "I am not. I am not without sin, I can't condemn you." The answer to "anyone without sin?" "Yes, One." But what did He say? He didn't condemn either.
Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.
Maybe that's all forgiveness is--dropping the stone. When the memories come, when the anger threatens to surface--remember being there in the crowd, and the One without sin looking at me and saying... and remembering...
No, I am not without sin, I have no stone to throw at you. I drop my stone.
I've been wrestling, choosing to forgive, but then wondering if I really have. Is it forgiveness if I still remember? But I may never truly forget. It is the anger that sometimes comes with the remembering that makes me think there is work yet to be done.
And so I have spent much time before the Lord about this. Trying to learn how to forgive, figure out what exactly forgiveness is, and sometimes wondering if I am just playing games to avoid doing what I just need to do.
Forgiveness and trust are two different issues. Okay, so it makes sense that there can be forgiveness, but still a change in the relationship.
Forgiveness means agreeing to live with the consequences, pay the price, of the wrong that has been done (you have to live with them anyways--just a matter of whether or not you are willing). Okay...so I tried to think through that...what are the consequences? Perhaps listing and mental assent would help.
But then...
I participated in an activity--a "Living Scripture" analogy. It was about the woman caught in adultery--a reading of the passage, then a more personalized interpretive reading. At the end, an activity.
I knew this activity was coming...I had known for several weeks. I wanted to be able to say, with all integrity "neither do I condemn you". Ah, but in my heart I do sometimes still condemn (rotten heart of mine), and want to hold onto the condemnation. NO!! They must go free. They must be forgiven... I kept bringing this before the Lord.
On the day ... I handed the stone, and said, "Neither do I condemn you." (It is a choice to forgive. I can do this. this is my choice.) They looked at me ... not reaching out to take the stone. I asked, "Is there anyone left to condemn you?" They said, "Yes."
But then I rephrased it, and this is where the new understanding came. "Is there anyone without sin, that can cast the first stone?" (pause) "I am not. I am not without sin, I can't condemn you." The answer to "anyone without sin?" "Yes, One." But what did He say? He didn't condemn either.
Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.
Maybe that's all forgiveness is--dropping the stone. When the memories come, when the anger threatens to surface--remember being there in the crowd, and the One without sin looking at me and saying... and remembering...
No, I am not without sin, I have no stone to throw at you. I drop my stone.
Prodigal Father
Suddenly it hit him
Finally he knew
Everything he'd known before
Had been a farce
All he'd invested
All he'd given
Believing it to be gratefully received and valued
was gone
He had trusted the look in the eyes
Believing it to be
Honour
Respect
Love
All a farce
All gone
Nothing but wind
Nothing but self-deception
And the pain that came
The anger
The hurt
How could he?
Why?
I gave you everything
I poured from my heart
Everything
My heart
My time
My encouragement,
Years of wisdom
I worked hard to help you learn
In a way that you, especially you, would understand
And you ...
You looked at me and smiled
You nodded, urging me on
You made me think you were listening, learning
I was encouraged by the hope that it was making a difference
That you were growing, and being helped
But you ...
Counted it as nothing
Threw it away
Trampled it in the ground
Poured it out while laughing in my face
What were you thinking while you looked at me and listened
Certainly not taking it in
Now I know
I've been had
I've been taken
How do I...
How can I...
Get over the pain?
Everything I've worked for
All I've been investing in
Found to be a waste
How could I have ever been so misled
How can I ever trust again?
or give again?
And yet he did
The hope was greater than the hurt
The love for his son
Could not be repressed
What he really wanted most of all
Was for him to come home
To turn
And then come home
No matter the cost
No matter the foolishness
No matter the risk
Yes, son could take it all and waste it all again
But the father's love
Was just too extravagant to be able to hold back
Foolish it was
A waste
Or...
Just generous, extravagant love
That wipes away the past
Gives a fresh new start
and hope for new beginnings
The Father...
Doesn't seem to count the cost
Or...
Maybe it just doesn't matter
Any price is worth it
In the end
It will all be spent anyways
Why not spend it all on one to be loved
One who can be made new
Finally he knew
Everything he'd known before
Had been a farce
All he'd invested
All he'd given
Believing it to be gratefully received and valued
was gone
He had trusted the look in the eyes
Believing it to be
Honour
Respect
Love
All a farce
All gone
Nothing but wind
Nothing but self-deception
And the pain that came
The anger
The hurt
How could he?
Why?
I gave you everything
I poured from my heart
Everything
My heart
My time
My encouragement,
Years of wisdom
I worked hard to help you learn
In a way that you, especially you, would understand
And you ...
You looked at me and smiled
You nodded, urging me on
You made me think you were listening, learning
I was encouraged by the hope that it was making a difference
That you were growing, and being helped
But you ...
Counted it as nothing
Threw it away
Trampled it in the ground
Poured it out while laughing in my face
What were you thinking while you looked at me and listened
Certainly not taking it in
Now I know
I've been had
I've been taken
How do I...
How can I...
Get over the pain?
Everything I've worked for
All I've been investing in
Found to be a waste
How could I have ever been so misled
How can I ever trust again?
or give again?
And yet he did
The hope was greater than the hurt
The love for his son
Could not be repressed
What he really wanted most of all
Was for him to come home
To turn
And then come home
No matter the cost
No matter the foolishness
No matter the risk
Yes, son could take it all and waste it all again
But the father's love
Was just too extravagant to be able to hold back
Foolish it was
A waste
Or...
Just generous, extravagant love
That wipes away the past
Gives a fresh new start
and hope for new beginnings
The Father...
Doesn't seem to count the cost
Or...
Maybe it just doesn't matter
Any price is worth it
In the end
It will all be spent anyways
Why not spend it all on one to be loved
One who can be made new
Lament
"Without lament we have no way of being honest before God when bad things happen."
A couple of weeks ago I had a week that could best be described as "lament." In some ways, this has been a big long season with bouts of lament, but that week I especially felt it. I'm thankful to Erika Haub, for the above quote (and the link to the sermon from which it comes), that gave me the word ... lament. That week I was also referred to "That Dark Cloud" post by Karen Spears Zacharias (thanks to Jesus Creed's Weekly Meanderings!). All letting me know--it is okay. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel the darkness, and lament before our God.
One night that week, when the tears were coming, I found and purchased two albums that I would recommend for times of lament--Bebo Norman's Ocean and Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise. They contain songs of pain, searching, seeking and waiting on God through the night. There are also songs of choosing to trust and remembering He is faithful, but not in some flighty, it-will-be-okay-in-two-seconds sort of way. I just listened again to Bebo Norman's "Remember us" and "God of my Everything" ... ah...beautiful.
One night that week, when the tears were coming, I found and purchased two albums that I would recommend for times of lament--Bebo Norman's Ocean and Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise. They contain songs of pain, searching, seeking and waiting on God through the night. There are also songs of choosing to trust and remembering He is faithful, but not in some flighty, it-will-be-okay-in-two-seconds sort of way. I just listened again to Bebo Norman's "Remember us" and "God of my Everything" ... ah...beautiful.
Now I know...
I used to think going out in a blaze of glory was the way it should happen.
I used to think I would leave this planet young.
I used to think it would be so much better to be a blazing flame for Jesus--better to burn out, then forever be only such a tiny flicker that no one ever noticed.
But now I know.
Going young and quick would have been the easiest path.
And I...
I am going to need the years...
If all I am going to present to Jesus at the end of this life
Is my transformed self
Then I am going to need a LOT of years.
I think I'll need about 50... at least!
Maybe by 90 I'll have learned...
To love
To forgive
To freely share this grace that He's lavished on me
Until then
Or, through the years till then
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Please change this heart of stone
into flesh.
I used to think I would leave this planet young.
I used to think it would be so much better to be a blazing flame for Jesus--better to burn out, then forever be only such a tiny flicker that no one ever noticed.
But now I know.
Going young and quick would have been the easiest path.
And I...
I am going to need the years...
If all I am going to present to Jesus at the end of this life
Is my transformed self
Then I am going to need a LOT of years.
I think I'll need about 50... at least!
Maybe by 90 I'll have learned...
To love
To forgive
To freely share this grace that He's lavished on me
Until then
Or, through the years till then
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Please change this heart of stone
into flesh.
Let the Ark of God Fall...
This time the lessons I need to learn about laying down my anxiety come from God Himself.
At the beginning of the year, when reading the beginning of Genesis, I noticed and had the thought--He was there, He saw it, yet did nothing, said nothing. As Eve was reaching out for that fruit, there was no "uh uh" from on high. No "Hey wait, what do you think you're doing? Don't you remember?" Nope. The fall of the human race was about to occur, and He just left them to their decision.
And Jesus...He had just died and rose again, and the disciples were just starting to finally get it, when He left. He just left, just like that. He left the future of church history completely in their hands. Oh, He empowered and equipped them and all, but it really was left to them.
He doesn't seem to get nearly as anxious as I do about people messing things up, getting it wrong, not following through on instructions. Even with them choosing horrible sin that He gets to watch, He holds back.
How does He pull it off? I'm not quite sure, but I'm asking Him to show me how to do the same. How do I become a person that is not anxious about these things, that does not fear the consequences? How do I lay down my anxiety about these things?
In one sermon I've listened too over and over again, there is one line that jumped out at me: "Let the ark of God fall, I'm not going to touch it." He says prayer is one of the key ways we can live without anxiety--at least two hours a day for him, and that means praying through all plans, everying on the calendar from here through the year. When you have prayed through things so thoroughly, and something happens...even the ark of God can fall, and you don't need to touch it. You know it is in God's hands.
Must learn to rest, even with the potential of arks falling.
At the beginning of the year, when reading the beginning of Genesis, I noticed and had the thought--He was there, He saw it, yet did nothing, said nothing. As Eve was reaching out for that fruit, there was no "uh uh" from on high. No "Hey wait, what do you think you're doing? Don't you remember?" Nope. The fall of the human race was about to occur, and He just left them to their decision.
And Jesus...He had just died and rose again, and the disciples were just starting to finally get it, when He left. He just left, just like that. He left the future of church history completely in their hands. Oh, He empowered and equipped them and all, but it really was left to them.
He doesn't seem to get nearly as anxious as I do about people messing things up, getting it wrong, not following through on instructions. Even with them choosing horrible sin that He gets to watch, He holds back.
How does He pull it off? I'm not quite sure, but I'm asking Him to show me how to do the same. How do I become a person that is not anxious about these things, that does not fear the consequences? How do I lay down my anxiety about these things?
In one sermon I've listened too over and over again, there is one line that jumped out at me: "Let the ark of God fall, I'm not going to touch it." He says prayer is one of the key ways we can live without anxiety--at least two hours a day for him, and that means praying through all plans, everying on the calendar from here through the year. When you have prayed through things so thoroughly, and something happens...even the ark of God can fall, and you don't need to touch it. You know it is in God's hands.
Must learn to rest, even with the potential of arks falling.
In Pursuit of Wisdom
A good question was asked at A Place for the God Hungry: "Am I a person who is growing in wisdom? Or, am I a person who simply gathers bits and pieces of Googled information?" It is too easy to be that latter.
It was a good follow-up to the only verse that jumped out as possibly specifically "for me" in this morning's reading. It said: "Trusting in oneself is foolish, but those who walk in wisdom are safe" (Prov. 28:26, NLT), and I was left wondering...which am I doing? I'm not supposed to trust myself. And yet, when I trust in wisdom, there is a sense in which it is also coming out of me. This verse doesn't say just blindly trust others. And, of late, I find myself being open and honest with others, allowing them to see, allowing (wanting) them to comment and mirror back to me, but sometimes I am dissatisfied with their responses. Sometimes the words of others are wisdom, sometimes they are not.
It was a good follow-up to the only verse that jumped out as possibly specifically "for me" in this morning's reading. It said: "Trusting in oneself is foolish, but those who walk in wisdom are safe" (Prov. 28:26, NLT), and I was left wondering...which am I doing? I'm not supposed to trust myself. And yet, when I trust in wisdom, there is a sense in which it is also coming out of me. This verse doesn't say just blindly trust others. And, of late, I find myself being open and honest with others, allowing them to see, allowing (wanting) them to comment and mirror back to me, but sometimes I am dissatisfied with their responses. Sometimes the words of others are wisdom, sometimes they are not.
"Wisdom is about understanding and becoming a certain kind of person" is a part of another point to ponder on that same page. Am I becoming a person of wisdom?
Today...I need to resist the distractions. I've already been ensnared a few times.
Open my eyes
Jesus, Son of David,
Have mercy on me
What do I want you to do for me?
I want you to open my eyes
I want to see
I am so blind
My eyes are weak
Open my eyes to see You
to see Your goodness
Your good plans
Your faithfulness
Open my eyes to see others
to see the good
to see the potential
the hope to which You have called them
Open my eyes to see what you are doing
the promise to which you have called us
the beautiful bride you are purifying
the treasure You see in the midst of ashes
Blind me to the sins
the wrongs
the dirt
Oh God, open my eyes
I am blind
I am needy
Oh Jesus, Son of David,
Have mercy!
Have mercy on me
What do I want you to do for me?
I want you to open my eyes
I want to see
I am so blind
My eyes are weak
Open my eyes to see You
to see Your goodness
Your good plans
Your faithfulness
Open my eyes to see others
to see the good
to see the potential
the hope to which You have called them
Open my eyes to see what you are doing
the promise to which you have called us
the beautiful bride you are purifying
the treasure You see in the midst of ashes
Blind me to the sins
the wrongs
the dirt
Oh God, open my eyes
I am blind
I am needy
Oh Jesus, Son of David,
Have mercy!
Talking to Trees
Some people (like my friend P.T.L.) think of birds--flying and soaring--when they imagine the abundant life we were meant to live. For others (like Thirsty Fool), animals (like a pet dog) provide analogies and metophors for the spiritual life.
I, however, often think of trees. There are so many analogies--the need for deep roots, how we get deep roots, good fruit only from a tree that is good, the time it takes and now hard it is to notice the daily, weekly or even monthly growth of some of the trees that become the strongest and live the longest.
Hardly a suprise then, I guess... As I spent my last day out of the country that has been my home, listening to my Father, hoping for a summary or some final word on what I have learned or how I should go forward, I found myself noticing...first one tree, then another.
Soon I'll post ... what I said to the trees.
And in the learning, in the reflection, I guess this is really more about God speaking to me, through the trees.
I, however, often think of trees. There are so many analogies--the need for deep roots, how we get deep roots, good fruit only from a tree that is good, the time it takes and now hard it is to notice the daily, weekly or even monthly growth of some of the trees that become the strongest and live the longest.
Hardly a suprise then, I guess... As I spent my last day out of the country that has been my home, listening to my Father, hoping for a summary or some final word on what I have learned or how I should go forward, I found myself noticing...first one tree, then another.
Soon I'll post ... what I said to the trees.
And in the learning, in the reflection, I guess this is really more about God speaking to me, through the trees.
Ah...Missed Opportunities
Today, toward the end of the day, I discovered a couple of great things that were going on today in this city, but I didn't know about them earlier, so...
A speaker from Canada, led an all-day session here in Hong Kong today about mid-life, transition, discerning and spirituality. Last time I heard him speak was in 2006 in Hong Kong--a message I later downloaded, and listened to again and again. But alas...
And...I just found out, there is a Silent Retreat going on today--right here! Right at the very retreat centre at which I am staying!! Ah...that would have been so good--to be guided to the silence and presence I so desire. Well, there was only space for 10, and I have no idea if it was full in advance or not, but...
So, instead, I had my own struggle to get to stillness and silence. It took a long time to get there, and I'm left still wondering why, still trying to figure out what goes on in this heart and head of mine. Perhaps it is being out of place (my home!) and rhythm (travelling, moving between locations). Perhaps I still need to develop some habits that will take me there (working on it, believe me, I AM working on it, and I have hope they WILL help take me there).
A speaker from Canada, led an all-day session here in Hong Kong today about mid-life, transition, discerning and spirituality. Last time I heard him speak was in 2006 in Hong Kong--a message I later downloaded, and listened to again and again. But alas...
And...I just found out, there is a Silent Retreat going on today--right here! Right at the very retreat centre at which I am staying!! Ah...that would have been so good--to be guided to the silence and presence I so desire. Well, there was only space for 10, and I have no idea if it was full in advance or not, but...
So, instead, I had my own struggle to get to stillness and silence. It took a long time to get there, and I'm left still wondering why, still trying to figure out what goes on in this heart and head of mine. Perhaps it is being out of place (my home!) and rhythm (travelling, moving between locations). Perhaps I still need to develop some habits that will take me there (working on it, believe me, I AM working on it, and I have hope they WILL help take me there).
This is What I've Been Doing
Times of extended retreat give us a chance to come home to ourselves in God's presence and to bring the realities of our lives to God in utter privacy.
This is important for us and for those we serve.
When we repress what is real in our life and just keep soldiering on,
we get weary from holding it in, and eventually it leaks out in ways that are damaging to ourselves and to others.
But on retreat there is time and space to attend to what is real in my own life--to celebrate the joys, grieve the losses, shed tears,
sit with the questions, feel my anger, attend to my loneliness
--and allow God to be with me in those places.
These are not times for problem-solving or fixing,
because not everything can be fixed or solved.
On retreat we rest in God and wait on him to do what is needed.
Eventually we return to the battle with fresh energy and keener insight.
(p. 123 Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, R.H. Barton)
This is what I've been doing in my time away. "Fresh energy and keener insight", this is what I've been hoping for.
Stand Erect in Your Sorrow
from Henri Nouwen's book The Inner Voice of Love, on the web here.
Stand Erect in Your Sorrow
The question is 'Can you stand erect in your pain, your loneliness, your fears, and your experience of being rejected?' The danger is that you will be swept off your feet by these feelings. They will be here for a long time, and they will go on tempting you to be drowned in them. But you are called to acknowledge them and feel them while remaining on your feet.
Remember, Mary stood under the cross. She suffered her sorrow standing. Remember, Jesus spoke about the cosmic disasters and the glorious appearance of the Son of Man and said to his disciples, 'When these things begin to take place, stand erect, hold your heads high, because your liberation is near at hand' (Luke 2:28). Remember, Peter and John cured the crippled man who was begging at the temple entrance. Peter said to him, 'In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, walk!' (Act 3:6). Then he took him by the right hand and helped him to stand up.
You have to dare to stand erect in your struggles. The temptation is to complain, to beg, to be overwhelmed and find your satisfaction in the pity you evoke. But you know already that this is not gaining for you what your heart most desires. As long as you remain standing, you can speak freely to others, reach out to them, and receive from them. Thus you speak and act from your center and invite others to speak and act from theirs. In this way, real friendships are possible and real community can be formed. God gives you the strength to stand in your struggles and to respond to them standing.
This passage was "for me" the other day when I first read it, as are so many chapters in The Inner Voice of Love. I must learn to stand.
There is something I have discovered in recent years, and it is a great paradox--the more I seek to know God, and the more I seek to enter into and be His hand and heart addressing the problems in the world, the more it hurts. Sometimes...it just hurts real bad! And I wonder how we are supposed to take it. Or I wonder--at the fairness of this, yeah, know Light so much clearer, and then the Darkness looks so much more evil. Sure doesn't feel like an improvement sometimes.
But I can learn to stand. I can avoid those temptations Nouwen names so clearly. "God gives you the strength to stand in your struggles and to respond to them standing."
Stand Erect in Your Sorrow
The question is 'Can you stand erect in your pain, your loneliness, your fears, and your experience of being rejected?' The danger is that you will be swept off your feet by these feelings. They will be here for a long time, and they will go on tempting you to be drowned in them. But you are called to acknowledge them and feel them while remaining on your feet.
Remember, Mary stood under the cross. She suffered her sorrow standing. Remember, Jesus spoke about the cosmic disasters and the glorious appearance of the Son of Man and said to his disciples, 'When these things begin to take place, stand erect, hold your heads high, because your liberation is near at hand' (Luke 2:28). Remember, Peter and John cured the crippled man who was begging at the temple entrance. Peter said to him, 'In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, walk!' (Act 3:6). Then he took him by the right hand and helped him to stand up.
You have to dare to stand erect in your struggles. The temptation is to complain, to beg, to be overwhelmed and find your satisfaction in the pity you evoke. But you know already that this is not gaining for you what your heart most desires. As long as you remain standing, you can speak freely to others, reach out to them, and receive from them. Thus you speak and act from your center and invite others to speak and act from theirs. In this way, real friendships are possible and real community can be formed. God gives you the strength to stand in your struggles and to respond to them standing.
This passage was "for me" the other day when I first read it, as are so many chapters in The Inner Voice of Love. I must learn to stand.
There is something I have discovered in recent years, and it is a great paradox--the more I seek to know God, and the more I seek to enter into and be His hand and heart addressing the problems in the world, the more it hurts. Sometimes...it just hurts real bad! And I wonder how we are supposed to take it. Or I wonder--at the fairness of this, yeah, know Light so much clearer, and then the Darkness looks so much more evil. Sure doesn't feel like an improvement sometimes.
But I can learn to stand. I can avoid those temptations Nouwen names so clearly. "God gives you the strength to stand in your struggles and to respond to them standing."
Joy is BMW
That's what it said--the huge ad on the side of a skyscraper in Bangkok. I did not get to try out a BMW to see if it brought joy, but imagined... Ah, driving a nice car--might be fun, but joy? uh...don't think so.
"A cup of happiness" said the gourmet coffee machine at McDonald's. Now that I did try. The coffee was okay, but happiness?
Nope, not what I'm looking for when I say I want JOY.
I want to
...wake up with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.
...live with a knowing that I am loved, even when trials and opposition comes.
...sing, at least in my heart, even while knowing there is evil all around.
...have conversations where I completely forget myself--where I am completely free to care for and love the other, and completely free to walk away unbound, regardless of their response.
It's an undaunted optimism.
It's a hope in God and His goodness, even when I cannot see.
It's a steadiness in knowing who I am, but not in the eyes of other people.
I want joy, sourced only in my God, to become deeply rooted in my soul, and become one of the main things I am known for. I am not there yet, but I want to go there.
"A cup of happiness" said the gourmet coffee machine at McDonald's. Now that I did try. The coffee was okay, but happiness?
Nope, not what I'm looking for when I say I want JOY.
I want to
...wake up with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.
...live with a knowing that I am loved, even when trials and opposition comes.
...sing, at least in my heart, even while knowing there is evil all around.
...have conversations where I completely forget myself--where I am completely free to care for and love the other, and completely free to walk away unbound, regardless of their response.
It's an undaunted optimism.
It's a hope in God and His goodness, even when I cannot see.
It's a steadiness in knowing who I am, but not in the eyes of other people.
I want joy, sourced only in my God, to become deeply rooted in my soul, and become one of the main things I am known for. I am not there yet, but I want to go there.
Great Place to Spend a Day!
I was there about 8 hours. I was kind of tired at the beginning--hadn't eaten or had anything to drink for 9 hours--that means...no morning coffee! But after a while I started waking up. Once I could drink some juice, I think the sugar kicked in and I was alert enough to think and read. I did my daily Bible reading, caught up on yesterday's and today's. Did some journalling and pondering too. I was seated in the midst of the nations it seemed--so many differing modes of dress--mostly from Arabic nationalites and countries. For my last couple of hours, I was first in the bookstore (somehow it always feels good to buy a good book), then I meandered up the escalator to the food court where I enjoyed a chicken quesadilla while reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and let my mind ponder how we might become more successful at "stewardship delegation" in our office. The atmosphere was quiet and clean, with lots of green and open spaces--so conducive to a quiet soul and pondering. On the way out I picked up a low-fat grande latte from Starbucks, and I was on my way home.
Where was I having such a nice day? At the hospital, of course--Bumrungrad International. Now at how many hospitals would you say that after visiting for 8 hours?
Sometimes my prayer...
...is just a bunch of poured out fears. Sometimes there is pain, and I just lay there in bed, heart exposed, tears flowing...it doesn't even feel like "prayer." Sometimes it seems I don't even know how to pray anymore, or that I have forgotten to seriously pray for others for a very long time. Sometimes it seems like I'm constantly praying--I have been thinking through many things, consciously lifting up all thoughts and anticipating His coming answer...all afternoon, or all day. Sometimes my prayers flow more from my anxieties than from my faith--worry-driven prayer.
Anxiety-as-prayer--in a very real way, it does not honour Him. It does not trust. It does not recognize Him as someone who loves me, who cares, who has power to change things, and is interested in acting on my behalf in all ways good and true. Like the child who keeps asking mom or dad if they are really going to follow-through on their promises. If my kid acted like that--wow, that would hurt. Don't you know me by now? What kind of person am I? Do I just loosely say I will do something and then not follow-through?
Yet, while some of the heart of these prayers is not yet right, not yet pure, taking it to Him, is still the best thing to do. And, I believe He honours that. At least I am taking it to Him, and not somewhere else (oh, I do that too sometimes). At least in bringing it to Him, I am still engaged in this relationship, where I can be changed, and He can show me where the heart is not quite right.
In this sort of prayer, there is a belief that I am loved, and this does honour Him. I am loved beyond what I can imagine. This is the safest place. All the performing, all the trying...I don't have to do that here. I can be me, just as it is--in-process, somehow beautiful to Him--and be loved and accepted here.
And so I pray. I pray like this.
Anxiety-as-prayer--in a very real way, it does not honour Him. It does not trust. It does not recognize Him as someone who loves me, who cares, who has power to change things, and is interested in acting on my behalf in all ways good and true. Like the child who keeps asking mom or dad if they are really going to follow-through on their promises. If my kid acted like that--wow, that would hurt. Don't you know me by now? What kind of person am I? Do I just loosely say I will do something and then not follow-through?
Yet, while some of the heart of these prayers is not yet right, not yet pure, taking it to Him, is still the best thing to do. And, I believe He honours that. At least I am taking it to Him, and not somewhere else (oh, I do that too sometimes). At least in bringing it to Him, I am still engaged in this relationship, where I can be changed, and He can show me where the heart is not quite right.
In this sort of prayer, there is a belief that I am loved, and this does honour Him. I am loved beyond what I can imagine. This is the safest place. All the performing, all the trying...I don't have to do that here. I can be me, just as it is--in-process, somehow beautiful to Him--and be loved and accepted here.
And so I pray. I pray like this.
Forays of the Prodigal
Did he ever run away again?
After going so far
Living so low
Repenting so completely
Knowing such grace…
Did he ever leave again?
He never imagined he would
How could he want to?
That night at the banquet
He was a truly changed man
This mercy, this grace
He could only be thankful
But not too long after
He felt it again
Those same frustrations
Same temptations
He just had to leave
Oh, the forays were different now
Not as long
Not as far
Sometimes the distance was only emotional, inside
And the time gone
Each time became shorter
Sooner, he “came to his senses”
But one thing never changed
Always was his Father waiting there
Always he came running
Always were the arms wide open
Always was there complete forgiveness and grace
For he had always been
The beloved son
He had always been heir
Meant to live out the family name
It did take time though
To grow into the reality
A Prayer for Children
I saw this today, and wept...pray for the children (source listed at bottom).
A Prayer for Children
Lord of Life,
We pray for scampy children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
God of Compassion,
We pray for children
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who never play tag or go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
Loving Father,
We thank you for the children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.
And we hurt for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who don't have rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.
Gracious God, help us be gracious to children
who spend their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.
Almighty God, help us bring justice for those children
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything
Who have never seen dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being
Lord Jesus, we thank you that you are the One who welcomes children, may we do so as well
We pray for all children
Who want to be carried, who don’t want to be carried and for those who must,
We pray that we would never give up on any of them
And that you would gather them up,
Cuddle them like lost sheep
And release them to be your love, light, and salt in the world.
For we believe Lord in your kingdom – your playground
Where goodness is stronger than evil
Love is stronger than hate
Light is stronger than darkness
Truth is stronger than lies
We need not be afraid.
Lord of Life,
We pray for scampy children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
God of Compassion,
We pray for children
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who never play tag or go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
Loving Father,
We thank you for the children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.
And we hurt for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who don't have rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.
Gracious God, help us be gracious to children
who spend their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.
Almighty God, help us bring justice for those children
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything
Who have never seen dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being
Lord Jesus, we thank you that you are the One who welcomes children, may we do so as well
We pray for all children
Who want to be carried, who don’t want to be carried and for those who must,
We pray that we would never give up on any of them
And that you would gather them up,
Cuddle them like lost sheep
And release them to be your love, light, and salt in the world.
For we believe Lord in your kingdom – your playground
Where goodness is stronger than evil
Love is stronger than hate
Light is stronger than darkness
Truth is stronger than lies
We need not be afraid.
I saw this on Don Johnson's blog, originally from Jon Lemmond--both are pastors in California.
Preparing to Draw
And while I draw, may I relax, leave the worry...call it 'prayer drawing' or 'listening drawing'.
May my mind be free to be led by You, God. May the thoughts, ideas receive the time and space they need to mature, or ferment or ripen. Or maybe it is that I need the time and space to mature, ferment or ripen in the process. Do Your work in me, Good God.
Silence and Solitude
Today I am aiming for more solitude and silence, but not very sure what I am doing, not much sure what a "successful" result will be, what the final picture will look like. I'm taking my meals and eating alone--otherwise I will so easily and deeply engage with all the interesting people at the table. But...if it is solitude I want, what am I doing online, 'connecting' through the web? And what am I doing writing--sure, no audio, but voicing thoughts.
I hardly know what silence and solitude should look like, and my mind is so full of ideas and so easily distracted that it is hard work to get there. And, I'm not even sure what the result will be. But I am here. I will limit my internet use. And as for the result, I trust the words of those more experience than I.
In Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership Ruth Haley Barton says,
I hardly know what silence and solitude should look like, and my mind is so full of ideas and so easily distracted that it is hard work to get there. And, I'm not even sure what the result will be. But I am here. I will limit my internet use. And as for the result, I trust the words of those more experience than I.
In Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership Ruth Haley Barton says,
Solitude will do its good work whether we know what we are doing or not. One of the primary functions of solitude is to settle ourselves in God's presence. This is not easy and it takes time. But it is the answer to the heart cry that erupts when we have been distracted for too long by surface concerns. 'I have lost myself!' we cry. Solitude is the only way to find ourselves again. And the longer we have been lost to ourselves, caught up with external stimulation, the longer it takes to find our way home again. (p. 41)
...we need to be careful of ourselves and our expectations. Most of what happens in solitude is happening under the surface, and God is doing it. Just as most of what's happening in the ocean is under the surface and most of what's happening to a seed in winter is under the earth, so the most important stuff that is happening to the human soul in solitude is happening under the surface, where only God knows about it. (pp 41-42)
...solitude, that place where God is at work beyond what we are able to do for ourselves or would even know how to do for ourselves. (p. 43)
...we need to be careful of ourselves and our expectations. Most of what happens in solitude is happening under the surface, and God is doing it. Just as most of what's happening in the ocean is under the surface and most of what's happening to a seed in winter is under the earth, so the most important stuff that is happening to the human soul in solitude is happening under the surface, where only God knows about it. (pp 41-42)
...solitude, that place where God is at work beyond what we are able to do for ourselves or would even know how to do for ourselves. (p. 43)
So...I'm here LORD, it's an attempt at solitude...actually, this whole vacation time is a pulling away from the usual distractions, to settle myself in Your presence. Please, do Your work O God. Do something real, something needed, something real important...even if I am unaware.
What about you? Do you practise times of silence and solitude? What has been your experience? What kind of struggles did you have in the process? Rewards of the practise?
What about you? Do you practise times of silence and solitude? What has been your experience? What kind of struggles did you have in the process? Rewards of the practise?
Life as process (or art as a spiritual discipline)
As I was drawing, I had the same sense I had when I wrote Art... and Transformation. (That piece came while doing a simple line drawing last time I was on a silent retreat.)
Playing with the pastels today, I realized I should keep learning to draw, and perhaps especially with pastels, as a discipline to train myself to honour the beauty and value of process. The initial lines look real bad---even in the YouTube videos by the experts. The first underlying colours are hardly identifiable in the end. My problem was that the first time through I applied the underlying colour much too lightly. I was afraid the mess, the wrong colour would stand out too strong in the end, but that looked worse. It needed strong colour, so that later, when other shades were added, there was something to grab, pull in, and blend together. It is the process, layer upon layer, no one layer making much sense on its own, that eventually leads to the completed image.
What about the strong colour of certain life experiences? How does that part make sense? Maybe it was not supposed to...on its own. My personality, I am told, can be rather strong. So, I become so afraid, and hold back from being who I am. Untempered, unrefined, it looks too messy. Others do not understand and I pull back. But it IS being refined, it is not as messy as it used to be. And maybe, in the lives of others, my part is to add some of those strong bold lines that give definition, sharpen the focus, give a depth of meaning and create contrast. Another time, place, or circumstance will bring the softer colours, or the blending process.
What a country...
A woman was speaking in the massage shop beside the restaurant in which I was eating. Yeah, it looks like a good and legit massage shop...open for all the world to see--actually, you'd get a massage as you are looking onto a beach and ocean. Nice.
" {Thai language...something, something, something...} sex-EE! "
I looked over...who was saying what to whom? She was fingering through a small girl's hair--looked like it had just been washed. The girl looked to be 7 or 8.
"Sexy" --is that all a female thinks of being here?
Two days ago some of us were talking. I mentioned a statistic I had heard. Beyond all the foreigners coming here for the sex trade, it's pretty much a part of the local culture. Years ago I heard a CNN report that said 70% of Thai men lose their virginity to a prostitute. A woman who had worked in the country for many years made it clear that she thinks it is higher than that. Fathers take their sons to a prostitute for the 'first time', show them how to be with a woman.
So, little girl, you want to be "sex-EE".
Yeah...this could be an over-reaction, taking one little comment too far. However, knowing what happens with adults in families, today, looking at children, I couldn't help but imagine their futures...and then hope and pray for a DIFFERENT future for them.
" {Thai language...something, something, something...} sex-EE! "
I looked over...who was saying what to whom? She was fingering through a small girl's hair--looked like it had just been washed. The girl looked to be 7 or 8.
"Sexy" --is that all a female thinks of being here?
Two days ago some of us were talking. I mentioned a statistic I had heard. Beyond all the foreigners coming here for the sex trade, it's pretty much a part of the local culture. Years ago I heard a CNN report that said 70% of Thai men lose their virginity to a prostitute. A woman who had worked in the country for many years made it clear that she thinks it is higher than that. Fathers take their sons to a prostitute for the 'first time', show them how to be with a woman.
So, little girl, you want to be "sex-EE".
Yeah...this could be an over-reaction, taking one little comment too far. However, knowing what happens with adults in families, today, looking at children, I couldn't help but imagine their futures...and then hope and pray for a DIFFERENT future for them.
So Quick to Judge
It happened so fast
Just the other day
I had them both pegged
And judged
But I was so wrong
My judgement was sheer arrogance
So quickly viewing externals
And adding my own...
My own what?
And why?
Where does that come from?
Only from an ugly heart
Not a pure heart
Not a heart that sees the way You see
And yet maybe Your vision was there too
Because, very quickly I knew
I could see the thoughts were wrong
And there was an openness
To being proved wrong
And seeing another view
And a repentance
Lord, please cleanse me of this pride, this arrogance. It has really got to go.
Just the other day
I had them both pegged
And judged
But I was so wrong
My judgement was sheer arrogance
So quickly viewing externals
And adding my own...
My own what?
And why?
Where does that come from?
Only from an ugly heart
Not a pure heart
Not a heart that sees the way You see
And yet maybe Your vision was there too
Because, very quickly I knew
I could see the thoughts were wrong
And there was an openness
To being proved wrong
And seeing another view
And a repentance
Lord, please cleanse me of this pride, this arrogance. It has really got to go.
Twenty Years From Now
Well J.W., what a pleasure to have met you. You are an amazing woman. Down to earth, energetic, easily interacting with all ages. You can laugh, you can cry, and yet know there is an appropriate time for each. You gained my respect almost the first day I met you, and that wasn't even two weeks ago.
You're warm, and friendly, and yet could never be mushy or over-bearing about it. You know the pain of the world, of others, and I'm sure you've known your own--yet you bear it without complaining. There is a life to you, a spunk, an optimism, a joy, that has lasted through the years and challenges and transitions. No self-pity. No "oh look how I've served, struggled and suffered." No, none of that, "That wouldn't do now, would it?" (I can hear you saying those very words, your lovely British accent, even now as I write.)
You, my dear, have become for me another one who shows me how I want to live. Down the road, another twenty years from now (for you are about twenty years older than me), should the Lord grant me the years, I hope I will be like you in so many ways. Living in hope. Loving my God. Blessing the world.
And while you're certainly not "old" (definitely not!) you've added vision to my Old Lady Dreams...
Thank you. I hope we shall meet again in coming years.
You're warm, and friendly, and yet could never be mushy or over-bearing about it. You know the pain of the world, of others, and I'm sure you've known your own--yet you bear it without complaining. There is a life to you, a spunk, an optimism, a joy, that has lasted through the years and challenges and transitions. No self-pity. No "oh look how I've served, struggled and suffered." No, none of that, "That wouldn't do now, would it?" (I can hear you saying those very words, your lovely British accent, even now as I write.)
You, my dear, have become for me another one who shows me how I want to live. Down the road, another twenty years from now (for you are about twenty years older than me), should the Lord grant me the years, I hope I will be like you in so many ways. Living in hope. Loving my God. Blessing the world.
And while you're certainly not "old" (definitely not!) you've added vision to my Old Lady Dreams...
Thank you. I hope we shall meet again in coming years.
Healing Tears
They started to come
Last night
And then today
Some is grieving, processes not yet complete
Maybe I am just being a cry-baby
But, it is really okay
Here is the God who knows me
And He loves me
Oh how He loves me
Especially me
I can cry
confused
frustrated
hurt
lost
alone
misunderstood
complaining (hey, I didn't say it was all good!)
WHATEVER it is
I can cry it out to Him
He will help it all get sorted out
The thoughts
The feelings
It is safe here
Safe before Him
Funny, sometimes the tears are questioning Him
"How do we keep hope?"
"How do we believe?"
And at the same time...
He is the only One
Who has ever showed such a good way to live
Who loved me like this
He is my Hope
My only Hope
My only Refuge
Thank You LORD!
Last night
And then today
Some is grieving, processes not yet complete
Maybe I am just being a cry-baby
But, it is really okay
Here is the God who knows me
And He loves me
Oh how He loves me
Especially me
I can cry
confused
frustrated
hurt
lost
alone
misunderstood
complaining (hey, I didn't say it was all good!)
WHATEVER it is
I can cry it out to Him
He will help it all get sorted out
The thoughts
The feelings
It is safe here
Safe before Him
Funny, sometimes the tears are questioning Him
"How do we keep hope?"
"How do we believe?"
And at the same time...
He is the only One
Who has ever showed such a good way to live
Who loved me like this
He is my Hope
My only Hope
My only Refuge
Thank You LORD!
The Best Teacher
It is amazing really...I'm here seeking God and asking about so many things in my life. Listening... Thinking... Journalling... Reading... And as I pick up book after book, I find the themes intersect so well!
Granted, I CHOSE the books and brought them along, based on things I'm struggling with and wanting to learn. And I have asked God to lead and guide. The overlap between the "spiritual" and "business/practical" is wonderful. There really is not much difference. We are spiritual beings having physical and mortal experiences.
Granted, I CHOSE the books and brought them along, based on things I'm struggling with and wanting to learn. And I have asked God to lead and guide. The overlap between the "spiritual" and "business/practical" is wonderful. There really is not much difference. We are spiritual beings having physical and mortal experiences.
I still struggle to prioritize--to do the important and skip the other stuff. When it comes to delegating, I can get way too involved in all the details of the work of others, making it hard to focus on what I should be doing. Do I "micro-manage"? Oh, NO! I don't want to. But...how do you delegate and prioritize and manage in a way that works? What is stopping me and the team I lead from getting there? During this time, this is one area in which I am reading and seeking.
Here's how the learning happens:
Finally...
I'd been waiting for it, that moment... and on Saturday it finally happened--I noticed that the dark circles under my eyes had faded! YES!
(Revised note: Later in the month they were back. I did not always continue to rest as well as I had hoped.)
(Revised note: Later in the month they were back. I did not always continue to rest as well as I had hoped.)
Starting to Relax...
While I had feared I would have trouble STOPPING work, and in a sense I did, for the first few days (connecting with someone and a situation back home), now I fear I won't be able to pick it up.
There are a couple of things I really should do this week, but I really do not want to. I have budgeted--I should only work an average of 5 hours per week, but I do not even want to do that!! Maybe this is nothing new. Actually, there are certain types of work that I can easily put off any day, and there are other bits of my work that I would gladly do, any day.
So...it is that same old struggle...learning to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. And the same with what does NOT need to be done. I think it is called being responsible, and I am still trying to learn how.
But this post is titled "Starting to Relax". I have discovered that "not working" does not necessarily equal "relaxing". For the first week away my mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions and struggles. I was not sleeping well at night, and afternoon naps--I would feel tired and try to sleep, but sleep would not often come.
But now, yes, I am getting a good night's sleep each night, and sometimes an afternoon nap too. The furious questions in my mind are starting to subside. I am a little afraid of letting them all go...there are some that need answers, solutions, and decisions. Perhaps holding them more loosely is good though still.
There are a couple of things I really should do this week, but I really do not want to. I have budgeted--I should only work an average of 5 hours per week, but I do not even want to do that!! Maybe this is nothing new. Actually, there are certain types of work that I can easily put off any day, and there are other bits of my work that I would gladly do, any day.
So...it is that same old struggle...learning to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. And the same with what does NOT need to be done. I think it is called being responsible, and I am still trying to learn how.
But this post is titled "Starting to Relax". I have discovered that "not working" does not necessarily equal "relaxing". For the first week away my mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions and struggles. I was not sleeping well at night, and afternoon naps--I would feel tired and try to sleep, but sleep would not often come.
But now, yes, I am getting a good night's sleep each night, and sometimes an afternoon nap too. The furious questions in my mind are starting to subside. I am a little afraid of letting them all go...there are some that need answers, solutions, and decisions. Perhaps holding them more loosely is good though still.
Standing Strong
There are two kinds of standing
Both look so strong, until...
One stands after the crash, after the fall
after all has been revealed
all has been confessed.
This one stands after facing the truth of self, sin, and grace
Owning the self
Owning the sin
Receiving the grace
This one is a crawl through the mud
Bloodied and bruised this one comes
Desperate, needy, broken, humbled
This one stands in the Light where all is revealed
Where heads hang in shame
But this one receives a hand that reaches out
This one knows the One who lifts heads
And when this one stands again
He stands so strong, He stands so tall
Others might come...accusing
"I know what you did"
He smiles, sad, but can say, "I know" "Yes, I did"
And still stands strong
The other's standing looks strong
But is really so fragile
Based on pretense, hiding, a false image for others
A false image of self
It is a weary standing
Much effort made to make sure know one else knows
Much effort to keep self from not thinking,
not remembering,
not admitting
It is a fearful standing
For the moment someone else knows
We must deny
If they know, we are not safe
For we have no prodigal's God
We have no God of repentence, confession, grace
We reject the mud, the humility, the shame
We refuse to to stare in the face and say,
"Yes, this is me." "Yes, this is what I've done"
We reject the brokenness, so receive no healing
We think we are strong
so we stand
tall
strong
but oh so fragile
There are two kinds of standing
But only one is strong
Ode to a friend, still trying to get out of the mud, still learning to stand in the grace, but oh so courageous in the confession. In the end, you WILL stand strong my friend. And nothing will shake you.
My soul will find the rest it needs
This was the view in front of me on the beach this morning. Last night as the bus drove further and further...about 20 minutes where I was the last one on the bus...far from bustling cities... And then when I arrived, and saw the place, and my room. Ah. Thank you Lord. Peace and quiet. Clean. New. Welcoming. A place named after the verse (KJV) "...as he slept under a juniper tree...the Lord came and touched him..."
Yes, I am looking for a "touch" from the Lord.
I have been writing "I am here to meet with You" in my journal. And I wrote about being "disturbed". Yesterday, reading Daniel 9-10, I was reminded that an encounter with God, or even just an angel, can indeed be very disturbing--Daniel kept falling face down, and was left trembling with what he saw. But he also received strength, and was 3 times told, "you are very precious to God" (NLT). The disturbing, would be worth it, to gain the touch, and the strength, and being told "you are very precious to God".
Disturb me Lord. Thoroughly shake all those places that need to be destroyed, dismantled, uprooted. Disturb all wrong perceptions of you, or me or others. Disturb me for the things that disturb You. Do not let me leave here unchanged.
Here to Meet with God
"I have become convinced that the More that we are looking for is the transformation of our souls in the presence of God. It is what we want for ourselves and it is what we want for those we are leading."
--Ruth Haley Barton, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, p. 14
I am desperate.
I am disturbed.
I am here to meet with God.
I am beyond knowing how to fix myself.
I am beyond knowing how to improve.
I don't know if it's love when I think I'm helping someone.
I fear the lines between "care" and "control" have become blurred.
I have not yet figured out when to give advice and guide, or let them find the way themselves.
I do not want to continue to cause unnecessary pain.
I am disturbed that I do not know how to sit still in Your presence.
I am disturbed at how fragile is my sense of abiding in You and guiding others by Your guidance.
I am disturbed that I cannot tell why I am angry or if I have forgiven.
I am disturbed that I do not know many of my neighbours' names.
I am disturbed that I may be a toxic presence.
I am disturbed ... at just how disturbed I may be. (oh...I hear someone laughing)
I am desperate.
I am looking.
I want More, so I left what I had behind.
I am searching.
And so I am here.
I am here to meet with God.
The Place Between
In that place between
Slowly extracting from life
Last touches
Final wrap-ups
Slowly settling
Enjoying
Soon...
Much below will start to rise
Demanding attention long neglected
Demanding gently
Demanding violently
Then there will be wrestling
Wrestling gently
Wrestling violently
Wrestling to the insight
Wrestling to surrender
And to peace
And my soul will find rest
Be refreshed
in God
The journey into rest, into times of silence and solitude, is not necessarily an easy one, nor is it a quick one. It is a process. Just being "not at work" does not yet mean we are enterring into rest...for so much we take with us, and it needs time to settle. But...in time...
Tension
Sometimes life feels like an impossible tightrope walk. Getting it "right" is a sliver of a line, a fragile mark, between two tensions. I'm not so focussed on getting it "right" anymore. I realize there will be more of a wavering walk, going back and forth over the line, continuously recorrecting, but the recorrecting gets tiring. Sometimes I'm a little addicted to or more prone to lean to one extreme more than the other, and have not yet learned how to pull back.
Tensions...
Connected or Alone
Community or Independence
Shepherding or Releasing
Inspiring or 'Hands-off'
Focus on others' growth or Focus on self growth
Control or Trust
Helping or Non-involvement
Tensions...
Connected or Alone
Community or Independence
Shepherding or Releasing
Inspiring or 'Hands-off'
Focus on others' growth or Focus on self growth
Control or Trust
Helping or Non-involvement
Preparing for Vacation
Vacation is not easy, at least the planning part.Actually, what I am going for is more than just vacation, it is an extended vacation, or, more like a sabbatical. Two months.
First there is the question of location. Where should I go? Usually in down-time, I really look forward to and need solitude time. I savour lots of time alone, reading and journalling. Yet it is also a blessing to be with people, and perhaps unhealthy to be too solo for too long. This time I thought of a few old, good and faithful friends in the next province that I can pop in on. They are the kind of people with whom I can just be me. They will love me as I am, and yet not let me stay that way. In the end, I will only visit one.
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