Here to Meet with God

"I have become convinced that the More that we are looking for is the transformation of our souls in the presence of God.  It is what we want for ourselves and it is what we want for those we are leading."
--Ruth Haley Barton, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, p. 14

I am desperate.
I am disturbed.
I am here to meet with God.

I am beyond knowing how to fix myself.
I am beyond knowing how to improve.
I don't know if it's love when I think I'm helping someone.
I fear the lines between "care" and "control" have become blurred.
I have not yet figured out when to give advice and guide, or let them find the way themselves.
I do not want to continue to cause unnecessary pain.

I am disturbed that I do not know how to sit still in Your presence.
I am disturbed at how fragile is my sense of abiding in You and guiding others by Your guidance.
I am disturbed that I cannot tell why I am angry or if I have forgiven.
I am disturbed that I do not know many of my neighbours' names. 
I am disturbed that I may be a toxic presence.
I am disturbed ... at just how disturbed I may be. (oh...I hear someone laughing)

I am desperate.
I am looking.
I want More, so I left what I had behind.
I am searching.
And so I am here.
I am here to meet with God.

It was not easy, to make this decision to leave for a time. (Well, parts of it were easy--I could see the potential for great damage if I did not step back and reassess.)  It has not been easy to prepare for it. But it was the right decision, the necessary decision. I am a seeker of treasure. I seek "the transformation of [my soul] in the presence of God" (Barton).

Even as I seek this Presence, even as I prepare my heart and begin this time away, I know there will be a huge fight within. While I know it is His Presence I need, I know I often run. I don't know why I run, but I do.  It will take time, and it will take SPACE (great prose piece about space here).  

But LORD, I am here, and here to be with you. If I run away, chase me down, or nudge me gently. Woo me. Draw me. Remind me...

And yet disturb me, dig deep within, do ALL that needs to be done. Do not let me get away with self-deception--thinking a great work has been done, when all that has happened is the passage of time.  Do the work O God. Lover of my Soul, do the work You want and need to do, to make me what you want me to be.

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