Sometimes life feels like an impossible tightrope walk. Getting it "right" is a sliver of a line, a fragile mark, between two tensions. I'm not so focussed on getting it "right" anymore. I realize there will be more of a wavering walk, going back and forth over the line, continuously recorrecting, but the recorrecting gets tiring. Sometimes I'm a little addicted to or more prone to lean to one extreme more than the other, and have not yet learned how to pull back.
Connected or Alone
Community or Independence
Shepherding or Releasing
Inspiring or 'Hands-off'
Focus on others' growth or Focus on self growth
Control or Trust
Helping or Non-involvement
And these are not opposites, it is not in the middle between the two that I must live. Maybe these are the line.
These are all related to my relationships with people, my level of involvement, my identity, my role connected to and apart from them
I love and do connect deeply with people. Yet I need to disconnect and be refreshed in solitude. In the solitude I sense the withdrawal, which tells me I am or was too connected. Perhaps I find too much of my identity and significance from the connection. So I dig in and withdraw, disconnect.
I am full of ideas. I love to see and inspire growth in myself and others. Yet for them--do they really need to hear it? What is the point if they are not interested? Am I compulsively "helping" others to grow? Perhaps only the ideas first filtered by prayer and confirmed in my spirit as something they really need to hear should be shared. Always pray first, and work in my own life first, will help to balance this one.
I need to spend time asking Father for insight in all of this. In my relationships with people, when and how is it beautiful, flowing from His river of life in me? Where are the obsessions, the compulsions, and what are their roots? How much should I "care" about others? How can it be pure love? What if it seems I care about them more than they care about themselves? Is that obsessive, or kind of like a parent cares for a child?
Yeah...so, when do I lay off and let be and let them live their life?
Father, more than asking You for insight...perhaps I just need to be in Your Presense, know and be known, love and be loved. A healthy relationship with You, is the centre from which all other relationships can be lived with joy, peace, and blessing.
Speaking of which...maybe Surrender to Love, by David Benner, needs to be the first book I spend time in on my vacation.
So much to learn...