I drop my stone...

Maybe that's what forgiveness is, just dropping the stone.

I've been wrestling, choosing to forgive, but then wondering if I really have. Is it forgiveness if I still remember? But I may never truly forget. It is the anger that sometimes comes with the remembering that makes me think there is work yet to be done.

And so I have spent much time before the Lord about this. Trying to learn how to forgive, figure out what exactly forgiveness is, and sometimes wondering if I am just playing games to avoid doing what I just need to do.

Forgiveness and trust are two different issues. Okay, so it makes sense that there can be forgiveness, but still a change in the relationship. 

Forgiveness means agreeing to live with the consequences, pay the price, of the wrong that has been done (you have to live with them anyways--just a matter of whether or not you are willing). Okay...so I tried to think through that...what are the consequences? Perhaps listing and mental assent would help.

But then...
I participated in an activity--a "Living Scripture" analogy. It was about the woman caught in adultery--a reading of the passage, then a more personalized interpretive reading. At the end, an activity. 

I knew this activity was coming...I had known for several weeks. I wanted to be able to say, with all integrity "neither do I condemn you".  Ah, but in my heart I do sometimes still condemn (rotten heart of mine), and want to hold onto the condemnation.  NO!! They must go free. They must be forgiven... I kept bringing this before the Lord.

On the day ... I handed the stone, and said, "Neither do I condemn you." (It is a choice to forgive. I can do this. this is my choice.) They looked at me ... not reaching out to take the stone. I asked, "Is there anyone left to condemn you?" They said, "Yes." 

But then I rephrased it, and this is where the new understanding came. "Is there anyone without sin, that can cast the first stone?" (pause) "I am not. I am not without sin, I can't condemn you." The answer to "anyone without sin?"  "Yes, One." But what did He say? He didn't condemn either.

Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.

Maybe that's all forgiveness is--dropping the stone. When the memories come, when the anger threatens to surface--remember being there in the crowd, and the One without sin looking at me and saying... and remembering...
No, I am not without sin, I have no stone to throw at you. I drop my stone.


Stephanie said...

I just loved this post and I have thought of it over and over these past few days. Thank you...

Traveller said...

Thanks Stephanie. It's amazing the insights He gives, as we bring ourselves before Him...allowing Him to point out the problem, and then (more slowly for me it seems) the way to the solution.

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