...is just a bunch of poured out fears. Sometimes there is pain, and I just lay there in bed, heart exposed, tears flowing...it doesn't even feel like "prayer." Sometimes it seems I don't even know how to pray anymore, or that I have forgotten to seriously pray for others for a very long time. Sometimes it seems like I'm constantly praying--I have been thinking through many things, consciously lifting up all thoughts and anticipating His coming answer...all afternoon, or all day. Sometimes my prayers flow more from my anxieties than from my faith--worry-driven prayer.
Anxiety-as-prayer--in a very real way, it does not honour Him. It does not trust. It does not recognize Him as someone who loves me, who cares, who has power to change things, and is interested in acting on my behalf in all ways good and true. Like the child who keeps asking mom or dad if they are really going to follow-through on their promises. If my kid acted like that--wow, that would hurt. Don't you know me by now? What kind of person am I? Do I just loosely say I will do something and then not follow-through?
Yet, while some of the heart of these prayers is not yet right, not yet pure, taking it to Him, is still the best thing to do. And, I believe He honours that. At least I am taking it to Him, and not somewhere else (oh, I do that too sometimes). At least in bringing it to Him, I am still engaged in this relationship, where I can be changed, and He can show me where the heart is not quite right.
In this sort of prayer, there is a belief that I am loved, and this does honour Him. I am loved beyond what I can imagine. This is the safest place. All the performing, all the trying...I don't have to do that here. I can be me, just as it is--in-process, somehow beautiful to Him--and be loved and accepted here.
And so I pray. I pray like this.