Ode to Baby Goose, at 14 weeks

Baby Goose can grimace and squint
Grimace at what?
Squint at what?
Mom and Dad and all that smoochin’ – grimace, EMBARASSING!
Great big world out there, what’s it about? What will I find? How will I navigate? – squint

Baby Goose can frown
Frown at what?
Does he already know…there will be pain?
Does she already sense…it won’t be easy?
Yes, there will be
Yes, it won’t be
Frown

Baby Goose can pee and suck his/her thumb
Ah, relief
Consolation
Life’s hard, but…
Oh wait, maybe he pees his pants when
she gets real excited
or she gets surprised!
Anyway,
Peeing is a relief,
Especially when no one else can see
Like peeing in the swimming pool.
Like peeing in mommy’s tummy
Ah nice.
(kind of extra warm then too!)

And in the end
Baby Goose can curl up and suck his thumb
She is at peace
He knows he is loved
She knows she is safe
Mommy and Daddy…
Love so much
Will do so much
To give him everything he needs
To do great in the life she will live
And know the God who will give him/her the peace she needs

So Baby Goose—press on
Grimace and squint,
Frown and pee and suck your thumb.
And learn to live loved, and at peace
In this life that is hard, and exciting, and surprising and…
Yes, a life of peace—crazy all around,
But safe in the arms of God.
That’s how life is for you now.
That’s how it can always be.


Last week little sis (Goose) sent the update of how baby is growing inside of her, and out popped this poem! I hope it finds it's way into the baby book.  Must be a page for "Baby's first poem".

When you want to change the world, but keep stumbling over yourself

I need to learn to live slow
Slow in responses
Slow in speaking
God, slow me down
Teach me to be reflective
To not always be so excited 
to engage the discussion, the process
It's not always the best thing

Tomorrow

Tomorrow
I'd like to find the good
I want to see everything positive in those around me
I want to affirm every good effort
I want to praise every good choice
I want to celebrate every unique expression
I want to love the variety
I want to laugh and blow off the mistakes
I want to lift and support
I want to breath life and joy
I want to live free help others live free

I'm going to need help for this...

The difference between 'okay' and 'good'

When will I learn
It doesn't really matter
It's probably not worth it

A document...a notice for the students
Three all checked it, said it was okay
I looked at it
And started making changes
Just small at first
Jumped right in...
What about this, and this and this
Tracking changes all the way
Wow, in the end it 
It took another hour and a half
Revisions
Checking meanings

And in the end
Was it THAT MUCH better
Yeah, I think it was better
but, not really that much better
Do they think it was better?

Would I have even thought it was necessary
If I had taken more time on the front end to think
and consider
to consider the cost
consider what really needed to be changed
(yeah, it was good we added the part about not moving yet)
the cost in time
the cost in... 
not affirming someone else's work
not letting them grow and succeed in their own way
once again, me the one to make the final decision
me the one with the final right answer

When will I learn
The difference between 'okay' and 'good'
Is sometimes a couple of hours
loss in affirmation
NOT WORTH IT!!

Excellence--really?

Seriously...I don't know how to do this.

I grew up hearing, "If something is worth doing, it's worth doing right." And then I had to find another mantra because there are so many things that I don't have time to "do right" or well, and so I just leave them...and the piles and clutter--papers, kitchen, email, physical, electronic--are enormous.

New mantras:
If something is worth doing, it's worth doing mediocre.
Better somewhat clean, somewhat tidy.
And so often, Something is better than nothing!

Just do the dishes for 10 minutes--they might not get done this time, but maybe they will, at least it's something. Just exercise for 10 minutes--doesn't matter that they say you need 30 minutes of heart raising cardio, 10 minutes is better than nothing! Just roughly sweep and mop the floors--a lot can be done in 20 minutes.
In my life at home, in my thinking and actions, I'm learning to create new habits--pursuing something less than excellence. And it is very good.

But what about work? And when you're the boss? Or even the employee. Aiming for mediocre is...doesn't quite cut it.

I was in a program--MAL--and in the first class I remember an activity that trained the thinking: "How can we do it better?" Maybe there were several activities with that emphasis. Good stuff. Believe me, I want to do better. I was born trying to do better, always looking for how to improve things. And my goodness, some staff, some of our young people, do need a serious kick in the butt to realize what it means to work hard and diligently, and with excellence.

Me...it's ingrained...I always look for what's missing, how it can be done better. So...a staff member brings a document, or prepares a lesson, or... and I instantly see how it can be done better. In the interest of saving time and meeting deadlines, I can jump right into the work of doing the editing, making the necessary improvements. But I'm realizing it can make all the effort spent to that point feel pretty worthless. Well, I do need to make sure to honour and recognize, and commend all that is good and great already, before making the suggestions. That helps. And...some suggestions and corrections are easy to make, easy to take. We shouldn't be too sensitive about it all. Believe me, they correct me lots too!

But when is it enough? When is imperfect okay? When is "progress" enough? Can I learn to celebrate earlier? Celebrate more often? Celebrate lesser results? What about a big flop? Failure--can we risk it? Can I risk it?

How much should we actually be pursuing excellence? How do we reconcile wanting to do our best, and yet not living up to our own expectations? How do we live in the reality that we will fail, even while it is not what we're aiming for. 

Death

A student's father died today. He had been bedridden and unable to speak or do anything for himself for two years. The accident two years ago was a tragic loss. Today they feel another tragic loss.

Two days ago there was a murder in town--mother and her 11 year old son. Apparently it was a break and entry, robbery...and then two were killed. A man has lost his wife and child.

Last week a friend and I met and suddenly got talking with the owner of a small restaurant. She ended up coming over to borrow some books, and in the process I found out about her husband...died just a few months ago of cancer of the throat. She, as is common here, never told him he had cancer and was dying.

I was looking through my 'drafts' and found something I started to write a few months ago about the gory pictures around town. A body had been found in two parts near the river and they were trying to figure out who it was and who did it.


Oh, and how can I forget--the 20+ trapped underground in a mine last week--this one made international news...I hear they are still pumping water, still haven't found the workers.

Death. A painful part of this world in which we live. It will be nice--the day that death dies. Until then...

Just .... Kinda hard...

Life...
Is just kinda hard
Yep. Just is.
And doesn't seem to stop
But apparently
What doesn't kill us 
Makes us stronger
I could think that 
I'm going to be super tough in the end
But maybe
I'm just a wimp

It's okay
Weak is okay
Hard is okay
As long as I remember to lean

Lean in
Lean hard
Lean listening
Lean learning
Lean apologizing
Falling, but getting up again

Get up softer
Get up wiser
Get up gentler

Knowing there is grace
Knowing there is love
Knowing there is strength enough

Life... is a lean

Things Not Said

Words
Words unspoken

Words not sure if they want to be expressed
Or should be shared

Words avoided due to fear
Or uncertainty
Words hesitated 
Not yet the right words
Not yet the right time

Words not voiced by accident
Meant to say it
Thought to bring it up
But time rushed on, and the words are gone
 
Words deliberately held back
Avoid the turmoil and trauma
'Going there' costs too much
Easier to say nothing
Than risk hours
to sort after-thoughts and emotions

Words withheld
Out of love
Out of apathy
As a weapon 
In self-protection

Some words should not be spoken
Some words should 
I have lived long and much in the latter
Am now learning the former

My heart 
May it be true and good
My words 
Spoken and unspoken
May they heal and give

Father's Day -- Thankful, and Wondering...

This Father's Day 
I find myself thankful, and wondering

I'm thankful for what I received
or rather, for who received me
when I came into this world

I had a dad who
loved me
treasured me
was proud of me
supported me
shared life wide open--
joys and struggles,
fears and frustrations
there were celebrations and confessions
and lots of wrestling

He taught me to do right, no matter what
and to confess when I was wrong
for that was the best way
when my heart was hurting
when struggles threaten to overwhelm
so often it was my dad with whom I'd want to share my heart
for hurting hearts, are handled gently in his hands

My dad showed me what a Heavenly Father's love is like
strong and powerful, boundaries for our good
and yet such a refuge when we are weak and failing
he made it easy to receive and follow and love God
even when I don't understand Him and need to wrestle

And yet I wonder why...
Why? 
I'm sorry, I don't know why I did not quite see this so well before
With so many dads who abuse, abdicate, neglect, run
leaving so much brokenness in their path
why did I get a dad who did none of those things? 
why did I get so much, when I came into this world?

I don't know why
and somehow almost feel guilty
I'm thankful for my dad
And broken and weeping for all those whose dads are missing
or turned betrayers or...

This comes with a prayer for the world, 
and a prayer for fathers
May there be more men, 
who realize the impact of who they are
who love and treasure their children
who give the next generation 
a place to stand, a voice, a confidence, 
courage to do right and live well, 
and a place where it's okay to fall and fail, 
and always
lots and lots of love.

Thank you Dad, for who you are, for always faithfully seeking to be the best dad you can be, for taking that responsibility so seriously, as a trust from your Father. I love you. 

I didn't realize how lucky I was until I lived among many where it was so different. And today's reading of "A Father's Day Wish" also helped trigger these thoughts. 

 

What is going on?

So many changes in the air
I received newsletters today--all announcing a change of direction or a move away
What's going on?

That baby she almost died last week. We took her in for diarrhea, and they found jaundice and pneumonia. We're glad for the diarrhea...but the sudden blood coming from her nose had me pleading for her life and clinging to promises I thought had been made.
What's going on?

We've done these grade 12 events before? We've been working together for a long time? Why is it not easier, more smooth? Why am I not doing better than this by now?
What's going on?

The intensity--the crises that come all at the same time--the baby, a call from a former student about her sister, other issues looming...
What's going on?

I MUST "seek first the Kingdom of God"...I must be in the word each day, praying each day, spending time with my Father. Time is short, life is stretched, but I must live abiding in Him through the days.

I still wonder

I wonder at You, Jesus
More and more it seems
Even after all the years I have known You
It seems I'm only just now
Starting to really understand
 
Last Saturday night
There she was, telling me off
Angry, ranting
Raising questions about my sense of responsibility
Suggesting my carelessness might cause her death
And the deaths of our students
Raising questions about my motives
All in front of staff, and students
Rudely interrupting an event we were trying to hold
Determined to believe some of her own false information
Making it impossible for us to continue
Putting me in a very awkward place
Yet ultimately making quite a spectacle of herself

Although I found I was shaking
And very angry, right after the event
It soon subsided
And I could see much more quickly
With Your eyes
 
I knew how You would be looking at her
Desiring above all ... reconciliation
You would have compassion and pity
For she is the one most hurt and torn up
By the bitterness, replays of offenses, 
And refusal to forgive

And I could more quickly see my error
More quickly move to apologize

You...
Still amaze me
I still wonder at You
And...
I so want to be like You

Sabbath

I said I was going to spend time organizing today--all the piles of papers. It's become desperate actually--I MUST FIND my materials for prep this week.

But today was also "rest" day, and today's Bible reading was Exodus 33-36. I listened to the passage, and heard, among other things,  
    You must do no work on the Sabbath. 
    You must not kindle a fire.
 
I didn't really want to work anyway.
Cooking--I did some of that--baking actually. It is NOT my regular work, nor much a part of my regular life--rather relaxing. I did none of my regular work today. The organizing--that would have been very much related to my regular work.

And, I read a novel. Not too deep, yet not too light. Inspiring. People who choose to do right in the face of suffering and trial.

But I didn't do the organizing.
And I did not yet plan the week.
Was it laziness?
Or Sabbath?

Will it be okay.
I'm going to bed now.
With the work week not yet organized.
Many decisions are yet to be made.
There is a lot on this week.
Am I giving in to my natural tendency to procrastinate by not planning right now? 
Or am I resting?

Father, help me to wake up tomorrow morning, and really dive in--to bring this all before You, gain Your wisdom and insight, and not shirk any of my responsibilities. I ask your blessing, as I learn to Sabbath, and learn to work.

Memories

Three years ago...

Tomorrow...two were getting married.
This year, tomorrow, I get to babysit their two-week-old, while they celebrate with a brief 3rd anniversary date--mom's first trip out of the house since the birth (guess that makes me the first babysitter!).

Then, that means today (or was it yesterday) is also the 3rd anniversary of a death. A child whose life could only have been saved by an early transplant or a miracle. Biliary atresia it is called. We watched her stomach swell, every other part wither, until she died. I called her mom today...glad to finally connect again after so long. Painful memories. The parents divorced after that--the marriage was already having problems.

It's also the anniversary of another life.  About this time, 3 years ago, another baby was conceived, shortly after to be aborted. Some life and hope have followed on from this death. Yet, the pain lives on...

Memories. 
2008. 
What a year. 

Many things happened. Yet in my mind and memory, just a very few events grew, became enormous, and eclipsed all others. I wonder what it might look like 10 years from now.

Settling...

It has been an incredibly challenging week--the joy, but huge time demands of a new baby in the house, and then the challenges of conflict with our downstairs neighbour...

As I now have 2 days before me for mostly rest...I find my heart slowly settling into quiet, and I find...that yearning again. 

God...I'm settling into Your presence...and much in my heart is rising to the surface. There are hurts Lord, and regrets. In some ways, I think I've handled this better than last time, and that is good; it shows I've grown, and matured. But I now also know I should have jumped into action after I learned a piece of information on April 29...perhaps that would have prevented... Will I remember this and do better next time?

In the attempt to go and try to make peace today, I got angry again--crud I do a lousy job of remaining completely calm when there seems to be no desire on the others' part to peacefully work to solutions, when so much seems unjust.

As I attempt to step back, to re-calibrate...  Fears rise. Tears fall. There is a tendency to try to look for clues to the future in reading circumstances. Some are foreboding. Some are encouraging. The attempt to "read" is folly.

LORD, how I need You near. How I need Your presence. I have Your presence--You have promised to never leave, to never forsake. Yet, how I long for Your voice. Father, God...today, tomorrow...lead me I pray. Lead my heart, my soul, my mind, my body, to what it really needs. I need physical rest. My mind needs rest. Direct my thoughts--by Your word, by the messages I choose, by the books and music.

Lord, I'm settling down, settling into quiet. It takes some time. The process is tumultuous and somewhat painful. But I am settling into You, and into the safest and best place possible. To You I come for healing. To You I come for rest. To You I come for re-set perspective and renewed hope. And... please speak to me Lord, let me know it is You. Let me know Your ways, so that I may follow.

As I settle, do Your work, change and transform. In Your presence, may I become just a little more a reflection of You.

Was that you God?

Was it from You, Lord, what came to my mind on Saturday night, then out of my mouth on Sunday morning? Almost prophetic even? I don't know. It didn't feel that strong at the time, but what happened later...

I was thinking..."we're going to have a baby in the house, well, what should it be?" (Actually they are going to have the baby, and in another month or two they will move out of my house...yes, yes, but that is beside the point). Boy? or Girl? What should it be? And then I thought. It should be a girl--that they might raise her different, and show this world--this society, their families--by the way they treat her, that girls are valuable, girls are precious. And that she, by the way she lives as a result of being properly loved and valued, might show a new way.

It was a good idea, I thought, so I told the mom the next morning (Sunday). After the telling, I back-tracked. I had no real certainty that it "should" or "would" be a girl. So I also said, "and if it's a boy, you must teach him, and not agree to the things the family will say" ...that he is valuable and your family is somehow better because he is a boy. (I'm always telling people what they should do, aren't I?)

I had no idea that she would think about it all day, that it would stir up something inside, raising awareness. Later that day she brought it up. "Both of us, are probably so much more affected than we know." Her mother tells her how she had hoped each one--she and her sisters--would be a boy, but they weren't. Her mom now, and his family, all hoping it's a boy. 

And even apart from their own families, what happens all around in society all the time...the girls thrown away, given away, or just clearly treated as less than valuable.

Yes, my friends, you are probably much more affected by this than you realize.  And...I know my thinking is affected sometimes too... (scares me really!)

As the father and I were waiting outside the delivery room (Monday night, Tuesday morning)...he told me his wife had shared these insights with him (can't remember if that was before or after we knew). We could see and were so thankful at God's provision in him getting back to town before the delivery. I could see he wanted the child God wanted to give--he was excited for a boy or a girl. Just 4 hours after he arrived back in town they were checking into the hospital, and around 2.5 hours after that, she arrived.

Beautiful, gorgeous, perfectly formed little girl. The first child I know of in this area to be born with both parents committed to raising her in His ways. What a privilege to hear her first cry, to be there as her parents got to meet her. And we talked more about how girls are valued far less. There I am...loving holding the baby, more and more amazed, "look at her little mouth, her tiny nose". The mom says, "Seeing you so excited about her emphasizes for me me she really is precious".

The phrase that keeps going through my head now: she will be mighty in the land.

Oh God, take this child and her parents--they are so willing to be shaped and changed--do something new, show the value of life, the value of babies, the value of girls. And...change things here LORD. The current reality is too painful, too sad.

Precious baby girl. Her name is translated Grace pours down. (Name chosen before birth...would also have been the name if she had been a boy.)

In just a few hours the relatives will come. What will they say? What will they think? Perhaps there will be many expressions of disappointment. I hope not. May they all receive her as joy and blessing. Open their eyes LORD, do something new.

(Later I discovered "their children will be mighty in the land" is from Ps. 112:2...it speaks more about her parents than her, and guides my prayers for all of them.)

Close to You

Jesus, God
My Maker
My Home
I love You
Today, I just want to be close to You
To know You near
Your Presence is all I need
All I truly desire

On Mother's Day

How appropriate--on Mother's Day this year, I was asking my mom the specific details of the birthing process. We discussed how to breath in the first stage, and she told me about panting in stage 2--oh, good, I didn't know that part!  She told me some things that might be helpful, the kind of support needed when it comes to really pushing. We talked about what might be the best way to keep things clean if there is tearing. Yep, specific details.

I guess a lot of daughters ask their moms these questions when they are about to have a child. I'm one of the lucky ones though, who get to do what so many say they wish they could do--skip being a parent and have grandkids first. Yes, it's true, I get to be a "grandma". At least that's what the parents  said. And as the daughter (student-sister-former colleague) stays in my home and, with her husband, anticipates the birth of her first (maybe only) child, I come closer to the process than I've ever been before.

Her husband does not get to be there for the delivery. In fact, the hospital says no one gets to be there. We're really hoping...that if I go along and show up, and ask to go in, they might just say "okay". 

And if I get to be there, then I get to be coach. With no such thing as "pre-natal classes" she is totally dependant on what she has read in books and heard from friends for this process, and that is quite a bit.  Her false labour last week was a good jolt for us all--suddenly realizing there were things for which we were not yet prepared. As she was thinking about checking into the hospital I whipped out Where There is No Doctor and started reviewing for myself, then asked her. "Do you know what the stages of labour are? What happens?" She knew. She didn't know about the deep breathing to control pain in stage 1. "Is this helpful? Should I read through this?" We went through the descriptions, how she might feel, a normal range of possibilities, what is not normal, when to push and when to wait.

Ah...we're going to have a baby in the house! How exciting! What joy!

We're going to have a baby in the house! How stressful! So many unknowns! How are we going to cope?

Leading yourself

Leading yourself is largely about living a rhythm of life that renews the life of God in us. It's about doing what it takes to know God and enjoy Him and follow and trust Him. It's about being utterly convinced of His goodness. It's about passion and energy and joy that come out of that center.

~Nancy Ortberg, Unleasing the Power of Rubber-bands: Lessons in Non-linear Leadership, p. 127

Sad, but not Bitter

I've been waiting before the Lord. I've been wondering what is wrong, why it is so hard to lay this down. Is it unforgiveness, or just that trust has not yet been rebuilt? Or is it simply a big pile of disappointment? In this process, and as I posted earlier, I am struggling to love, or to know if I'm loving. My emotions don't feel much like "love", yet in my actions, I can choose to do good, and, well, is this not in itself love?

I've also wondered if it is grief, or a grief process, as an era comes to an end. This is the explanation that makes most sense at this point.

Last week I deliberately chose to not follow the through-the-year reading plan I'm on, and over and over encounter, dwell in, 1 Cor. 13, and 1 John--asking the Lord to speak to my soul and lead me in the way of love.

On one quiet afternoon, I ended the silent time listening to a few songs (mostly to silence and not be irritated by the conversations starting up downstairs), the conversation between my Lord and I became much deeper, much closer. 

And it was as if I heard Him say, "You can be sad, but not bitter."

Yes, this I know. I cannot let bitterness form and take root. I must not let my heart be hard. This I know, but hearing Him say it was deeply affirming.

I wonder how much longer I will cry. I wonder when I might see this set of circumstances with more clarity. I wonder when I will be certain that it really isn't lack of forgiveness, only sadness or disappointment in my heart. And I wonder when the sadness and disappointment will fade into history and lose their bite.

Until then, sad is okay, but not bitter. I will seek to discern the difference in the taste, and allow the one, but spit out the other.

Found Wanting...

Not quite sure what to make of this aching in my heart. Not quite sure of what sort of healing needs to happen, or why it's hurt for so long. Not even sure that I'm sure of the nature of the pain. Is it ... or is it...? 

Maybe the hurt is just that...it is not what I expected. I guess I wanted some sort of reward, some sort of something that said it was all worth it, some sort of "thank you." Funny, there has been "thank you" but I don't believe it. The actions don't seem to match. Or else my heart is just hard.

Maybe it's not so much about forgiveness, or trust, but about laying down "rights". (Maybe that is what forgiveness is too.) No rights. I follow a Master who laid aside His, but wow do I cling to mine, petty though they are.

When will I learn--to give and serve for nothing, and when it really is nothing, to still love, still bless, not resent.

I'm in the test of my love--tested, weighed in the balance...and found wanting. 

Jesus, ravish this heart of mine with the love of Yours. Melt the ice, break the walls, crush the stone. I don't want to live petty and small, but can't seem to break free to livng out Your spacious, magnanimous grace and mercy.