When I feel deeply...
When I take the time to let myself feel deeply...
I cry...a lot, it seems. I've sometimes wondered if it means I'm falling apart, or "losing it." But now I think, it's just me, and it's just the what happens to me when I feel deeply. When I feel sad (of course), I cry. When I feel...a sense of God being here, in the conversation, in the worship, deep truths coming to light in a conversation--yes, tears spring up then too. In my life, when I'm overwhelmed and feeling the depth and the weight of all that is before me--the importance of it, and the knowledge that I can't do it, but I must, and that I must come to God and wait for His slow revealing...I come to Him and the tears pour.
Feb. 13--I'm full of tears right now...so many thoughts, so deep. There is much to be thankful for--this renewing of life within me, this excitement that tells me I'm being renewed. I'm thankful for the words of wisdom I have received, and all the little tidbits of info I have gathered--one or two from each conversation--that need to gel, ferment, be digested and may become part of the big picture shape of what I am learning for this time, and what will be how I go forward.
And I feel deeply the paradox--the things learned, and the knowledge that I know so little. The knowledge that there are incredibly big things ahead, that I've been called to a huge task and that while utterly weak and unable, I am and will be fully equipped and able for the task.
I'm weepy today because I'm feeling a lot, and it's just a part of how I process, and there is a LOT to process. How can one heart contain all of this--all the people on two different sides of the world, this great hope, this great vision, all the plans and possibilities, and the hopes and dreams and yearnings, all the thankfulness for what has been and what may be.
No, my little heart, my little body, just can't contain it all, so it comes out as tears.. And as the tears fall, as I cry, life is watered, and I am alive and awakened to realities so far beyond me, in touch with my God, loved by Him, carried by Him.
Yep, that's what happens when I feel deeply. I cry.
Mar. 2--And I'm full of tears today for all I feel as I've come back. On the bus ride just over the border into the county, a car had just flipped over, completely upside down. There were some other cars around...were people helping...I didn't stop the bus and find out...I wonder what happened to those people. The next day, more info on a story--a class of grade 9 girls taken for junior high graduation physical exams, and it was found most (about 90%) had already been pregnant and had abortions. And today I cry especially for one of our guys, maybe already dropped out of school--he didn't show up for our beginning of term meeting last night. I think of him crying at night under the blankets, but trying to be strong, in a world without parents, trying to figure out life.
Tears...I need them. Without them I would have no way to process, to feel all the pain, and yet pick up again and be strengthened to stay in the pain. And stay in the pain I must--if I am to be a part of alleviating the pain, bringing His hope and healing, I must walk into the pain, feel it, share it with those around...and so I cry.