It has been an incredibly challenging week--the joy, but huge time demands of a new baby in the house, and then the challenges of conflict with our downstairs neighbour...
As I now have 2 days before me for mostly rest...I find my heart slowly settling into quiet, and I find...that yearning again.
God...I'm settling into Your presence...and much in my heart is rising to the surface. There are hurts Lord, and regrets. In some ways, I think I've handled this better than last time, and that is good; it shows I've grown, and matured. But I now also know I should have jumped into action after I learned a piece of information on April 29...perhaps that would have prevented... Will I remember this and do better next time?
In the attempt to go and try to make peace today, I got angry again--crud I do a lousy job of remaining completely calm when there seems to be no desire on the others' part to peacefully work to solutions, when so much seems unjust.
As I attempt to step back, to re-calibrate... Fears rise. Tears fall. There is a tendency to try to look for clues to the future in reading circumstances. Some are foreboding. Some are encouraging. The attempt to "read" is folly.
LORD, how I need You near. How I need Your presence. I have Your presence--You have promised to never leave, to never forsake. Yet, how I long for Your voice. Father, God...today, tomorrow...lead me I pray. Lead my heart, my soul, my mind, my body, to what it really needs. I need physical rest. My mind needs rest. Direct my thoughts--by Your word, by the messages I choose, by the books and music.
Lord, I'm settling down, settling into quiet. It takes some time. The process is tumultuous and somewhat painful. But I am settling into You, and into the safest and best place possible. To You I come for healing. To You I come for rest. To You I come for re-set perspective and renewed hope. And... please speak to me Lord, let me know it is You. Let me know Your ways, so that I may follow.
As I settle, do Your work, change and transform. In Your presence, may I become just a little more a reflection of You.