Found Wanting...

Not quite sure what to make of this aching in my heart. Not quite sure of what sort of healing needs to happen, or why it's hurt for so long. Not even sure that I'm sure of the nature of the pain. Is it ... or is it...? 

Maybe the hurt is just is not what I expected. I guess I wanted some sort of reward, some sort of something that said it was all worth it, some sort of "thank you." Funny, there has been "thank you" but I don't believe it. The actions don't seem to match. Or else my heart is just hard.

Maybe it's not so much about forgiveness, or trust, but about laying down "rights". (Maybe that is what forgiveness is too.) No rights. I follow a Master who laid aside His, but wow do I cling to mine, petty though they are.

When will I learn--to give and serve for nothing, and when it really is nothing, to still love, still bless, not resent.

I'm in the test of my love--tested, weighed in the balance...and found wanting. 

Jesus, ravish this heart of mine with the love of Yours. Melt the ice, break the walls, crush the stone. I don't want to live petty and small, but can't seem to break free to livng out Your spacious, magnanimous grace and mercy.

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