This hurt
This pain
Jesus...only You can fill me
Heal me
This hurt
This disappointment
Not getting what I so desperately wanted
Or
Realizing what I thought was there
Didn't really exist after all
Was it wrong to want
To share the journey
To enjoy companionship in the struggle
I thought we were
I thought that's where we were going
Did I put too much hope in human relationships
Wanting filled what only You can fill?
Maybe
And yet You designed us for community
So
Not completely
I thought we were sharing life
I was sharing...
But it didn't come back
Or maybe just not the way I wanted
Was I hoping and asking for too much?
That feeling of being left hanging
Again
It feels like
Rejection
Not worthy
Not good enough
Being duped
Used
Misled
Then abandoned
It hurts
I turn to You
Never been such a reluctant giver
Wow, that was strange
I heard they were looking for financial support
They did not tell me or ask me to support
I did NOT think they should be getting and living off support
I hoped others would NOT support
That it would all be seen to be the wrong direction
And then I sensed Father saying to me
'Give x-dollars/month'
What? No. I don't want to.
Okay, well if you really want me to,
I want to obey, more than to 'be right'
But this does not seem at all right.
And how do I know it is really You speaking?
Is this You? or is it my crazy brain?
I've never been such a reluctant giver
Usually when prompted, it's pretty easy
But this time--No, You couldn't be asking that
(I'm still trying to adjust to so much)
And the idea came
Again and again
As I kept bringing myself before the Lord
And it came today in conversation with them
And it came again when I came home
And felt again the flood--hurt, anger...
So today I did
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
I wonder if it will be a bit of a battle every month
It seems tempting to give for a year all at once
But I think I need to stick with monthly
And I sense
It may be a part of the healing of my heart
So I gave
Reluctant at first, but not later
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
To give
To obey
To be a part of the good that may come of later
To know healing
To have my heart transformed
To lay down the hurts, and anger
To refuse to let any bitter roots grow
I heard they were looking for financial support
They did not tell me or ask me to support
I did NOT think they should be getting and living off support
I hoped others would NOT support
That it would all be seen to be the wrong direction
And then I sensed Father saying to me
'Give x-dollars/month'
What? No. I don't want to.
Okay, well if you really want me to,
I want to obey, more than to 'be right'
But this does not seem at all right.
And how do I know it is really You speaking?
Is this You? or is it my crazy brain?
I've never been such a reluctant giver
Usually when prompted, it's pretty easy
But this time--No, You couldn't be asking that
(I'm still trying to adjust to so much)
And the idea came
Again and again
As I kept bringing myself before the Lord
And it came today in conversation with them
And it came again when I came home
And felt again the flood--hurt, anger...
So today I did
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
I wonder if it will be a bit of a battle every month
It seems tempting to give for a year all at once
But I think I need to stick with monthly
And I sense
It may be a part of the healing of my heart
So I gave
Reluctant at first, but not later
I started
I don't want to miss this opportunity
To give
To obey
To be a part of the good that may come of later
To know healing
To have my heart transformed
To lay down the hurts, and anger
To refuse to let any bitter roots grow
Alone
Alone
And yet not quite
But still
Quite solitary
We all are
For no one
Completely understands
Completely knows
At least not up close
Except One
And yet He lets me feel
The alone part
To draw close
To lean in
Alone is not so bad
(Not sure exactly when I wrote this--a month or two ago? more?--found it in Drafts folder. Not "feelin' it" now in the way I probably was when I wrote it, but I like it.)
And yet not quite
But still
Quite solitary
We all are
For no one
Completely understands
Completely knows
At least not up close
Except One
And yet He lets me feel
The alone part
To draw close
To lean in
Alone is not so bad
(Not sure exactly when I wrote this--a month or two ago? more?--found it in Drafts folder. Not "feelin' it" now in the way I probably was when I wrote it, but I like it.)
Where my heart goes...
My eyes were a little wet before heading to the centre this morning. Thinking about the grade 10 student...her mom died on the 12th, Mid-Autumn Day--a traditional family gathering day. I knew she would probably die that day, but didn't find out till yesterday.
At least a few tears should fall each time I learn that someone I know loses someone.
My eyes were wet again walking home from the centre after lunch. The grade 12 guy who lost his dad on July 9th--at this weekly chat he cried again; it's so hard. We talked about how he just couldn't hold the tears back at the night class on the 9th of this month. And how he keeps thinking (and I cry as I think it about it now), "He was dying, and I was playing." How does someone get over the guilt?
When I left the centre, another guy was still there. Since we've opened it up for them to stay and hang out after lunch--read, or do homework or just nap--he's stayed behind every time. He takes every single opportunity to stay, to hang out, to participate in activities. I'm glad. Back in February I was worried about him. His older brother told me he had said he had considered suicide, was struggling. He lost his dad 7 years ago, must have been only 10, I'm glad he's signed up for the grief group in October. His mom, was seeing someone, but the family was opposed. That was awkward. But he is keen to grow and learn--admit his struggles and go forward. I think he'll be okay, but he needs a home.
Lots of stuff for high school students to face. I can't imagine. Well, I can, so ... I cry.
I cry, usually when they are not around, after I have been in their presence to comfort and walk along-side, help them find their way, lead them through a process that I think will help strengthen. And then I step back, reflect, process, and cry.
"Father of the fatherless, come down and rescue us. We need you. We need you again" (Jason Upton)
At least a few tears should fall each time I learn that someone I know loses someone.
My eyes were wet again walking home from the centre after lunch. The grade 12 guy who lost his dad on July 9th--at this weekly chat he cried again; it's so hard. We talked about how he just couldn't hold the tears back at the night class on the 9th of this month. And how he keeps thinking (and I cry as I think it about it now), "He was dying, and I was playing." How does someone get over the guilt?
When I left the centre, another guy was still there. Since we've opened it up for them to stay and hang out after lunch--read, or do homework or just nap--he's stayed behind every time. He takes every single opportunity to stay, to hang out, to participate in activities. I'm glad. Back in February I was worried about him. His older brother told me he had said he had considered suicide, was struggling. He lost his dad 7 years ago, must have been only 10, I'm glad he's signed up for the grief group in October. His mom, was seeing someone, but the family was opposed. That was awkward. But he is keen to grow and learn--admit his struggles and go forward. I think he'll be okay, but he needs a home.
Lots of stuff for high school students to face. I can't imagine. Well, I can, so ... I cry.
I cry, usually when they are not around, after I have been in their presence to comfort and walk along-side, help them find their way, lead them through a process that I think will help strengthen. And then I step back, reflect, process, and cry.
"Father of the fatherless, come down and rescue us. We need you. We need you again" (Jason Upton)
Hope for even me!
Some became fools because of their rebellious
ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities...
then they
cried to the LORD in their trouble
and He saved them from their
distress.
Ps. 107:17,19 TNIV
Today, coming before God, was a little difficult. Not sure what happened again last night, but I didn't sleep until 5 a.m. Well, I partly know what happened...I was thinking again. Again...same old issue, same old stuff I'm trying to figure out how to resolve, how to go forward with someone else. I'm still in the process of sorting it out. It wasn't like I was really agitated, just couldn't sleep, so then went on with writing the text and email I thought I should write (did not send it all yet though...needs time, and a review).
But it was discouraging.
After a week of going to bed on time 5 days last week...
After getting up and to the riverfront park near our office to pray with a colleaugue for a half hour before work 4 days this past week...
After knowing more "abiding" or "remaining" (John 15) in Him this week... After waking up Sunday with ready praise and easily giving thanks (most mornings I have to struggle to get there)...
After all that, it was discouraging to wake up again groggy, and frustrated, and wondering what went wrong, and what on earth should be said or not be said in this relationship.
Then I listened to a couple of Psalms, and one verse in Psalm 107 caught my ear and gave me hope. You know the passage? "Some people..." wandered in the desert, or were on the high seas, or...were facing such and such a trouble, and nearly died, or were nearly finished. Then they cried out to the LORD for help, and He heard them, and over and over again the NLT says, "He saved them from their distress."
Then came verses 17-21
Some became fools because of their rebellious
ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities...
then they
cried to the LORD in their trouble
and He saved them from their
distress.
He sent out His word and healed them, He rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for humankind...
And I realized...there is hope for even me today! Even if and when my troubles arise from some of my own foolishness, not knowing how to lay things down, struggling to get past an angry heart.
LORD, help! I so need you. I am so lost in this situation. I do not know how to see it. I do not know where to get advice. Everything I try doesn't seem to work. Moments of clarity are few and far between. I do not know what is wrong with my heart or wrong with the relationship, or how to lay it down or go forward. LORD help. Please heal. Please rescue.
Thank You that You hear. Thank You for Your unfailing love, for even me!
Is this my biggest sin?
Well maybe it's not my biggest--I am not sure "bigness" really matters anyway--but it may be my most common sin, yet something I have not seen so clearly as "sin".
It is: staying up too late, not getting my butt in gear to get to bed.
It has been my habit for as long as I can remember--junior high maybe.
In my heart, I think I used to take pride in the 'all-nighters', mock or somewhat despise those who lived such disciplined lives that they couldn't do them.
Late nights caused seriously embarrassing trouble twice--when I slept through the alarm the next day for work. Oh ,I have done that more than twice, but there were two times that were very embarassing (radio operator in Forestry--the whole forest knew about it--22 towers, the pilots that were to be flying...the dispatch officers)...bad... There were other times too--thinking about them now, ooh, feel bad about that.
The lack of discipline and late nights have, for many years, made it hard to get up in the morning.
Only in the past two or three years, have I seen the serious need to spend time with the Lord in the morning, and the need to go to bed earlier for that. Only in the past two or three years have I seen the connection between a regular earlier night's sleep, and regular better productivity at work. It has been a serious goal to have more and more nights in bed before midnight. I DO now regularly have more and more nights in bed before midnight.
But I do fall of the bandwagon. I do still have some late nights. And there are some nights where I go to bed in plenty of time, but then have a hard time sleeping--thinking so much, processing, finding it hard to lay things down. This last kind--I'm learning, but I consider them a little more out of my realm of control.
In the last couple of weeks I have been going to bed later than needed, but for no good reason. I just go online, read some articles, check out FB, kill a couple of hours before going to bed. "Kill" time--I hate that thought...I wasn't intending to, but I did kill it, waste it.
Today, thanks to Ann Voskamp, I read an article by Tim Keller, Wisdom and Sabbath Rest. Good stuff. Take a read.
And how I realized this waste of time really is serious?
The verse, Ephesians 5:15-17:
Then the comment that the KJV translates with the line "redeeming the time". Keller says, "Living wisely (or circumspectly) is to a great degree a matter of how we spend our time." And later he points out:
Oh Lord, I am so sorry. I see it now. I so often take this way too lightly. Experience is already telling me, and Your Word is telling me...it is a serious matter for consideration, and action! Lord have mercy. Lord forgive. Lord, I seek to live in obedience.
It is: staying up too late, not getting my butt in gear to get to bed.
It has been my habit for as long as I can remember--junior high maybe.
In my heart, I think I used to take pride in the 'all-nighters', mock or somewhat despise those who lived such disciplined lives that they couldn't do them.
Late nights caused seriously embarrassing trouble twice--when I slept through the alarm the next day for work. Oh ,I have done that more than twice, but there were two times that were very embarassing (radio operator in Forestry--the whole forest knew about it--22 towers, the pilots that were to be flying...the dispatch officers)...bad... There were other times too--thinking about them now, ooh, feel bad about that.
The lack of discipline and late nights have, for many years, made it hard to get up in the morning.
Only in the past two or three years, have I seen the serious need to spend time with the Lord in the morning, and the need to go to bed earlier for that. Only in the past two or three years have I seen the connection between a regular earlier night's sleep, and regular better productivity at work. It has been a serious goal to have more and more nights in bed before midnight. I DO now regularly have more and more nights in bed before midnight.
But I do fall of the bandwagon. I do still have some late nights. And there are some nights where I go to bed in plenty of time, but then have a hard time sleeping--thinking so much, processing, finding it hard to lay things down. This last kind--I'm learning, but I consider them a little more out of my realm of control.
In the last couple of weeks I have been going to bed later than needed, but for no good reason. I just go online, read some articles, check out FB, kill a couple of hours before going to bed. "Kill" time--I hate that thought...I wasn't intending to, but I did kill it, waste it.
Today, thanks to Ann Voskamp, I read an article by Tim Keller, Wisdom and Sabbath Rest. Good stuff. Take a read.
And how I realized this waste of time really is serious?
The verse, Ephesians 5:15-17:
"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."
Then the comment that the KJV translates with the line "redeeming the time". Keller says, "Living wisely (or circumspectly) is to a great degree a matter of how we spend our time." And later he points out:
"Time-stewardship is a command!"
Oh Lord, I am so sorry. I see it now. I so often take this way too lightly. Experience is already telling me, and Your Word is telling me...it is a serious matter for consideration, and action! Lord have mercy. Lord forgive. Lord, I seek to live in obedience.
Jesus Prayer...starting to get it
When I first heard about the Jesus Prayer, I thought it was kind of strange.
I don't anymore.
Simple, one line--"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
And some people repeat it over and over? What's with that?
It seemed...too simple, and, more importantly, stuck at the beginning--that's what I thought. Isn't this too much focus on our sin, our sinfulness? Aren't we forgiven? and free? Don't we now stand righteous and clean before the throne of God because of what Jesus did for us?
Yes, we are. Yes, we do. Forgiven. Clean.
But now I understand.
This morning, this was my prayer.
I think this is the prayer that needs to remain on my lips, flow from my heart, until its truth echoes to the deepest regions of my heart, until the transformation comes.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God...
You are the One I turn to. You are the only one who can rescue. You are...
...have mercy on me...
God, I can do nothing on my own. I'm so lost without you. I cannot transform myself. You tell me to love, to not consider my own interests, to... but I can't make myself love like that, I cannot find a way to be like you.
...a sinner.
Yes, I'm redeemed, but...oh God, I'm so far away. My heart is far uglier than I imagined. And in all this 'stuff' with other people that is going on...yeah, I am disappointed with what they have done, but I can totally see how they can feel exactly the same about me. I am ... a sinner.
Sometimes all I can pray, and all I can pray repeatedly, is:
I don't anymore.
Simple, one line--"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
And some people repeat it over and over? What's with that?
It seemed...too simple, and, more importantly, stuck at the beginning--that's what I thought. Isn't this too much focus on our sin, our sinfulness? Aren't we forgiven? and free? Don't we now stand righteous and clean before the throne of God because of what Jesus did for us?
Yes, we are. Yes, we do. Forgiven. Clean.
But now I understand.
This morning, this was my prayer.
I think this is the prayer that needs to remain on my lips, flow from my heart, until its truth echoes to the deepest regions of my heart, until the transformation comes.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God...
You are the One I turn to. You are the only one who can rescue. You are...
...have mercy on me...
God, I can do nothing on my own. I'm so lost without you. I cannot transform myself. You tell me to love, to not consider my own interests, to... but I can't make myself love like that, I cannot find a way to be like you.
...a sinner.
Yes, I'm redeemed, but...oh God, I'm so far away. My heart is far uglier than I imagined. And in all this 'stuff' with other people that is going on...yeah, I am disappointed with what they have done, but I can totally see how they can feel exactly the same about me. I am ... a sinner.
Sometimes all I can pray, and all I can pray repeatedly, is:
Lord Jesus Christ,
Son of God,
Son of God,
have mercy on me,
a sinner.
Anything Shattered
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
(There are other versions--some where Todd Smith introduces, telling the about losing their baby...but that's another story (see his wife Angie's blog--Bring the Rain)--and another song "I Will Carry You")
Unredeemed (by --Selah)
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years
Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed
All I can do...
Not quite sure what's going on with me these days.
Two weeks ago I was relieved when a friend on a call answered the "How are you?" with "I'm not really sure." Nice to not be the only one.
Something's not quite right with my heart.
Not sure why I can't seem to lay this stuff down.
Why do I get so frustrated and angry?
What am I holding on to?
What does it mean to love, to go on?
Yes...I've alluded to it above...I have an idea that what is wrong has to do with needing to learn to love (still), and forgiveness (again, still), and ...
I'm trying.
I just don't know quite how.
I just don't quite know what to do.
Am I making things too complicated? Maybe, not trying to.
Am I making excuses? Maybe, I hope not.
Am I just resisting? I resist, then I lay it down. I really do not want a heart that harbours bitterness, unforgiveness.
There is a part of me that resists laying it all down because I really think there is something that they need to do, something they need to pay attention to.
But they are not listening. They don't want to know, or respond to my ideas.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. I hope I don't care most about being right.
So...I don't quite know where I am right now with this. And I don't quite know what I'm supposed to be doing with it all.
All I can do is keep bringing it all to Jesus. I keep coming. I keep asking. I keep trying to listen. I keep pondering His words: Abide in me. Abide in my love. To abide is to keep my commandments. My commandment is this: love one another. Love is patient, love is kind...it is not puffed up, it doesn't seek it's own will. Love comes from God.
I keep coming to Jesus. I keep coming to God. I keep coming and asking that He'd pour His love into my heart, and show me the way. I keep choosing to forgive. I keep choosing to learn how to love, to really love.
Jesus...
Two weeks ago I was relieved when a friend on a call answered the "How are you?" with "I'm not really sure." Nice to not be the only one.
Something's not quite right with my heart.
Not sure why I can't seem to lay this stuff down.
Why do I get so frustrated and angry?
What am I holding on to?
What does it mean to love, to go on?
Yes...I've alluded to it above...I have an idea that what is wrong has to do with needing to learn to love (still), and forgiveness (again, still), and ...
I'm trying.
I just don't know quite how.
I just don't quite know what to do.
Am I making things too complicated? Maybe, not trying to.
Am I making excuses? Maybe, I hope not.
Am I just resisting? I resist, then I lay it down. I really do not want a heart that harbours bitterness, unforgiveness.
There is a part of me that resists laying it all down because I really think there is something that they need to do, something they need to pay attention to.
But they are not listening. They don't want to know, or respond to my ideas.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. I hope I don't care most about being right.
So...I don't quite know where I am right now with this. And I don't quite know what I'm supposed to be doing with it all.
All I can do is keep bringing it all to Jesus. I keep coming. I keep asking. I keep trying to listen. I keep pondering His words: Abide in me. Abide in my love. To abide is to keep my commandments. My commandment is this: love one another. Love is patient, love is kind...it is not puffed up, it doesn't seek it's own will. Love comes from God.
I keep coming to Jesus. I keep coming to God. I keep coming and asking that He'd pour His love into my heart, and show me the way. I keep choosing to forgive. I keep choosing to learn how to love, to really love.
Jesus...
Quote of the Week
Dominique Voillaume never tried to impress anybody, never wondered if his life was useful or his witness meaningful. He never felt he had to do something great for God. He did keep a journal. It was found shortly after his death in the drawer of the nightstand by his bed. His last entry is one of the most astonishing things I have ever read: "All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me. I can truthfully say that I have no interest in anything but the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If he wants it to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is his concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that."
The Signature of Jesus, by Brennan Manning, p. 104
Lean Forward
Embrace the new, the future, the unknown.
It's amazing how many times this theme has jumped out at me today...almost every blog I read, usually in the light of things not happening as planned.And it was in my thoughts...as I walked to our new location, the moving flatbeds soon coming behind me.
And I wonder...God, what are You doing?
You know me well...I don't much like transitions. I'd rather stay in the same place forever, but we moved today. I'd rather keep working with the same people and going longer and deeper, but in several arenas, that is changing too. I'd rather...that a lot of things didn't have to change, but they do, and I can drag my heals and resist and regret or lean forward and embrace the new.
God...I'm scared frankly.
It's hard to embrace the future and lean into the unknown, when so many wounds are still so fresh and bleeding. I'm not sure what's gone wrong, what I could or should have done different, or...
I'm quite sure some of what I'm feeling is just an immature response, akin to pouting in the corner having a tantrum because it didn't go my way. Some of the problems are partly my own making...so "suck it up princess".
Some of what I'm feeling, is also grief, at and over things that are not, things lost, regrets, "what if's". Cannot stay here forever, but going forward may take time.
In the end, circumstances are what they are. And you are still God. You are still on the throne. You still care for me, and You call me to worship.
And...there is some growth You want to see happen in my life...Oh, am I ever starting to see it--the smallness of my heart, the pettiness of my emotions and desires. Oh God, change me to be like You.
Father, I'm coming to You, I keep falling down, but I'm crawling toward You. I will keep seeking. I will keep asking. I will keep listening. I will not harden my heart. I will worship. I will believe and trust in Your care. I will learn to live for Your purposes above my own.
It's amazing how many times this theme has jumped out at me today...almost every blog I read, usually in the light of things not happening as planned.And it was in my thoughts...as I walked to our new location, the moving flatbeds soon coming behind me.
And I wonder...God, what are You doing?
You know me well...I don't much like transitions. I'd rather stay in the same place forever, but we moved today. I'd rather keep working with the same people and going longer and deeper, but in several arenas, that is changing too. I'd rather...that a lot of things didn't have to change, but they do, and I can drag my heals and resist and regret or lean forward and embrace the new.
God...I'm scared frankly.
It's hard to embrace the future and lean into the unknown, when so many wounds are still so fresh and bleeding. I'm not sure what's gone wrong, what I could or should have done different, or...
I'm quite sure some of what I'm feeling is just an immature response, akin to pouting in the corner having a tantrum because it didn't go my way. Some of the problems are partly my own making...so "suck it up princess".
Some of what I'm feeling, is also grief, at and over things that are not, things lost, regrets, "what if's". Cannot stay here forever, but going forward may take time.
In the end, circumstances are what they are. And you are still God. You are still on the throne. You still care for me, and You call me to worship.
And...there is some growth You want to see happen in my life...Oh, am I ever starting to see it--the smallness of my heart, the pettiness of my emotions and desires. Oh God, change me to be like You.
Father, I'm coming to You, I keep falling down, but I'm crawling toward You. I will keep seeking. I will keep asking. I will keep listening. I will not harden my heart. I will worship. I will believe and trust in Your care. I will learn to live for Your purposes above my own.
Come, let us worship and bow down.
Let us kneel before the Lord our maker,
for he is our God.
We are the people he watches over,
the flock under his care.
If only you would listen to his voice today!
The Lord says, “Don’t harden your hearts as Israel did at Meribah...
They are a people whose hearts turn away from me.
They refuse to do what I tell them."
Ps. 95:6-10, NLT
It Wasn't Safe...
I'm still trying to figure out what happened last Sunday.
I didn't go to church, I couldn't...well, I could have, but... I've never done that before. Not quite like that.
Yeah, that's the thing, I was thinking, if this was a work day, and there was a staff meeting (Believe me, there have been days, where there was a staff meeting, and I didn't want to go!!), I could have pulled myself together to be there. Why couldn't I pull myself together that day?
Well, it's different than a staff meeting. In a staff meeting I can pull myself together and choose to focus on the purpose of our meeting. I may or may not need to acknowledge the emotional struggle inside, but I could go on.
But to church...and when feeling so hurt and disappointed by the others there...the PURPOSE of that time on Sunday...don't we bring ourselves honestly before God, worship Him, with others. It didn't feel like an appropriate time to work it out with the people involved. And yet to keep it in would feel so false. And, perhaps all the "working it out" that needed to happen was and is in my mind and heart... I was tired and exhausted. For the first time I realized that church didn't feel safe. So I sent a text that I wasn't coming--honest about the reasons--and stayed home and worked it out with God...and had a nap.
I love this description--that I saw today--a church that describes itself as "a safe place to struggle". Oh...I am so longing for a place like that these days. I am struggling, and not many places or people feel safe. I guess that's called "lonely" then too.
Is it that there are no safe people? No...it just isn't okay to go and vent about the other people you're struggling with. I know, I need to first go and work it out with them. And I am and I have been trying and...sometimes I just don't know how! And I don't know how we got to this place in the first place... There are some with whom I have shared the struggle recently, safe people--who let me vent, and listen, but not to take sides...they want me to do right too.
I struggle. Life is a struggle. Is it okay to struggle? Or do I need to pretend with you...pretend that everything is okay, that I'm okay, that...?
And...am I a safe place to struggle? Maybe sometimes, but sometimes not. I want to be. Lord, help me to be...
I didn't go to church, I couldn't...well, I could have, but... I've never done that before. Not quite like that.
Yeah, that's the thing, I was thinking, if this was a work day, and there was a staff meeting (Believe me, there have been days, where there was a staff meeting, and I didn't want to go!!), I could have pulled myself together to be there. Why couldn't I pull myself together that day?
Well, it's different than a staff meeting. In a staff meeting I can pull myself together and choose to focus on the purpose of our meeting. I may or may not need to acknowledge the emotional struggle inside, but I could go on.
But to church...and when feeling so hurt and disappointed by the others there...the PURPOSE of that time on Sunday...don't we bring ourselves honestly before God, worship Him, with others. It didn't feel like an appropriate time to work it out with the people involved. And yet to keep it in would feel so false. And, perhaps all the "working it out" that needed to happen was and is in my mind and heart... I was tired and exhausted. For the first time I realized that church didn't feel safe. So I sent a text that I wasn't coming--honest about the reasons--and stayed home and worked it out with God...and had a nap.
I love this description--that I saw today--a church that describes itself as "a safe place to struggle". Oh...I am so longing for a place like that these days. I am struggling, and not many places or people feel safe. I guess that's called "lonely" then too.
Is it that there are no safe people? No...it just isn't okay to go and vent about the other people you're struggling with. I know, I need to first go and work it out with them. And I am and I have been trying and...sometimes I just don't know how! And I don't know how we got to this place in the first place... There are some with whom I have shared the struggle recently, safe people--who let me vent, and listen, but not to take sides...they want me to do right too.
I struggle. Life is a struggle. Is it okay to struggle? Or do I need to pretend with you...pretend that everything is okay, that I'm okay, that...?
And...am I a safe place to struggle? Maybe sometimes, but sometimes not. I want to be. Lord, help me to be...
Wash the feet--of Judas?
You never once said anything against him
You never once called him out for his duplicity and hypocrisy
He was helping himself to the money all along
Why didn't you say anything?
I would
And you stooped to wash his feet
Knowing already what he would do
Ah God,
Jesus
Sometimes I simply don't want to follow You
I have no real Judas
Nothing so big
But I feel so betrayed
So hurt
And...do you want me to just go on
As if there is nothing?
You never once called him out for his duplicity and hypocrisy
He was helping himself to the money all along
Why didn't you say anything?
I would
And you stooped to wash his feet
Knowing already what he would do
Ah God,
Jesus
Sometimes I simply don't want to follow You
I have no real Judas
Nothing so big
But I feel so betrayed
So hurt
And...do you want me to just go on
As if there is nothing?
Anger Alert!
"Have you had any extended conversations in your head (with someone else) lately?" That's just one of the questions Andy Stanley asks ("It Came From Within: The Hidden Chamber" message) following the "How's your heart?" question. This is simply one indicator of something not right in your heart.
So today...having conversations in my head again. And then the thought, "Anger alert!"
Okay...once again. What is it that I think they owe me? List it out. Why am I angry? And then...what am I going to do about that debt? Holding out hope that things will change, that they will change something--hey chick, you're fooling yourself, keeping yourself bound! And, to be honest, it's not as simple as that. They are not the only one at fault.
The debt--the only way is to choose to cancel it. "You do not owe me anything, because I've cancelled the debt."
Release... again and again.
And be free.
So today...having conversations in my head again. And then the thought, "Anger alert!"
Okay...once again. What is it that I think they owe me? List it out. Why am I angry? And then...what am I going to do about that debt? Holding out hope that things will change, that they will change something--hey chick, you're fooling yourself, keeping yourself bound! And, to be honest, it's not as simple as that. They are not the only one at fault.
The debt--the only way is to choose to cancel it. "You do not owe me anything, because I've cancelled the debt."
Release... again and again.
And be free.
Ode to Baby Goose, at 14 weeks
Baby Goose can grimace and squintGrimace at what?
Squint at what?
Mom and Dad and all that smoochin’ – grimace, EMBARASSING!
Great big world out there, what’s it about? What will I find? How will I navigate? – squint
Baby Goose can frown
Frown at what?
Does he already know…there will be pain?
Does she already sense…it won’t be easy?
Yes, there will be
Yes, it won’t be
Frown
Baby Goose can pee and suck his/her thumb
Ah, relief
Consolation
Life’s hard, but…
Oh wait, maybe he pees his pants when
she gets real excited
or she gets surprised!
Anyway,
Peeing is a relief,
Especially when no one else can see
Like peeing in the swimming pool.
Like peeing in mommy’s tummy
Ah nice.
(kind of extra warm then too!)
And in the end
Baby Goose can curl up and suck his thumb
She is at peace
He knows he is loved
She knows she is safe
Mommy and Daddy…
Love so much
Will do so much
To give him everything he needs
To do great in the life she will live
And know the God who will give him/her the peace she needs
So Baby Goose—press on
Grimace and squint,
Frown and pee and suck your thumb.
And learn to live loved, and at peace
In this life that is hard, and exciting, and surprising and…
Yes, a life of peace—crazy all around,
But safe in the arms of God.
That’s how life is for you now.
That’s how it can always be.
Last week little sis (Goose) sent the update of how baby is growing inside of her, and out popped this poem! I hope it finds it's way into the baby book. Must be a page for "Baby's first poem".
When you want to change the world, but keep stumbling over yourself
I need to learn to live slow
Slow in responses
Slow in speaking
God, slow me down
Teach me to be reflective
To not always be so excited
to engage the discussion, the process
It's not always the best thing
Slow in responses
Slow in speaking
God, slow me down
Teach me to be reflective
To not always be so excited
to engage the discussion, the process
It's not always the best thing
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
I'd like to find the good
I want to see everything positive in those around me
I want to affirm every good effort
I want to praise every good choice
I want to celebrate every unique expression
I want to love the variety
I want to laugh and blow off the mistakes
I want to lift and support
I want to breath life and joy
I want to live free help others live free
I'm going to need help for this...
The difference between 'okay' and 'good'
When will I learn
It doesn't really matter
It's probably not worth it
A document...a notice for the students
Three all checked it, said it was okay
I looked at it
And started making changes
Just small at first
Jumped right in...
What about this, and this and this
Tracking changes all the way
Wow, in the end it
It took another hour and a half
Revisions
Checking meanings
And in the end
Was it THAT MUCH better
Yeah, I think it was better
but, not really that much better
Do they think it was better?
Would I have even thought it was necessary
If I had taken more time on the front end to think
and consider
to consider the cost
consider what really needed to be changed
(yeah, it was good we added the part about not moving yet)
the cost in time
the cost in...
not affirming someone else's work
not letting them grow and succeed in their own way
once again, me the one to make the final decision
me the one with the final right answer
When will I learn
The difference between 'okay' and 'good'
Is sometimes a couple of hours
loss in affirmation
NOT WORTH IT!!
It doesn't really matter
It's probably not worth it
A document...a notice for the students
Three all checked it, said it was okay
I looked at it
And started making changes
Just small at first
Jumped right in...
What about this, and this and this
Tracking changes all the way
Wow, in the end it
It took another hour and a half
Revisions
Checking meanings
And in the end
Was it THAT MUCH better
Yeah, I think it was better
but, not really that much better
Do they think it was better?
Would I have even thought it was necessary
If I had taken more time on the front end to think
and consider
to consider the cost
consider what really needed to be changed
(yeah, it was good we added the part about not moving yet)
the cost in time
the cost in...
not affirming someone else's work
not letting them grow and succeed in their own way
once again, me the one to make the final decision
me the one with the final right answer
When will I learn
The difference between 'okay' and 'good'
Is sometimes a couple of hours
loss in affirmation
NOT WORTH IT!!
Excellence--really?
Seriously...I don't know how to do this.
I grew up hearing, "If something is worth doing, it's worth doing right." And then I had to find another mantra because there are so many things that I don't have time to "do right" or well, and so I just leave them...and the piles and clutter--papers, kitchen, email, physical, electronic--are enormous.
New mantras:
If something is worth doing, it's worth doing mediocre.
Better somewhat clean, somewhat tidy.
And so often, Something is better than nothing!
Just do the dishes for 10 minutes--they might not get done this time, but maybe they will, at least it's something. Just exercise for 10 minutes--doesn't matter that they say you need 30 minutes of heart raising cardio, 10 minutes is better than nothing! Just roughly sweep and mop the floors--a lot can be done in 20 minutes.
In my life at home, in my thinking and actions, I'm learning to create new habits--pursuing something less than excellence. And it is very good.
But what about work? And when you're the boss? Or even the employee. Aiming for mediocre is...doesn't quite cut it.
I was in a program--MAL--and in the first class I remember an activity that trained the thinking: "How can we do it better?" Maybe there were several activities with that emphasis. Good stuff. Believe me, I want to do better. I was born trying to do better, always looking for how to improve things. And my goodness, some staff, some of our young people, do need a serious kick in the butt to realize what it means to work hard and diligently, and with excellence.
Me...it's ingrained...I always look for what's missing, how it can be done better. So...a staff member brings a document, or prepares a lesson, or... and I instantly see how it can be done better. In the interest of saving time and meeting deadlines, I can jump right into the work of doing the editing, making the necessary improvements. But I'm realizing it can make all the effort spent to that point feel pretty worthless. Well, I do need to make sure to honour and recognize, and commend all that is good and great already, before making the suggestions. That helps. And...some suggestions and corrections are easy to make, easy to take. We shouldn't be too sensitive about it all. Believe me, they correct me lots too!
But when is it enough? When is imperfect okay? When is "progress" enough? Can I learn to celebrate earlier? Celebrate more often? Celebrate lesser results? What about a big flop? Failure--can we risk it? Can I risk it?
How much should we actually be pursuing excellence? How do we reconcile wanting to do our best, and yet not living up to our own expectations? How do we live in the reality that we will fail, even while it is not what we're aiming for.
Death
A student's father died today. He had been bedridden and unable to speak or do anything for himself for two years. The accident two years ago was a tragic loss. Today they feel another tragic loss.
Two days ago there was a murder in town--mother and her 11 year old son. Apparently it was a break and entry, robbery...and then two were killed. A man has lost his wife and child.
Last week a friend and I met and suddenly got talking with the owner of a small restaurant. She ended up coming over to borrow some books, and in the process I found out about her husband...died just a few months ago of cancer of the throat. She, as is common here, never told him he had cancer and was dying.
I was looking through my 'drafts' and found something I started to write a few months ago about the gory pictures around town. A body had been found in two parts near the river and they were trying to figure out who it was and who did it.
Oh, and how can I forget--the 20+ trapped underground in a mine last week--this one made international news...I hear they are still pumping water, still haven't found the workers.
Death. A painful part of this world in which we live. It will be nice--the day that death dies. Until then...
Two days ago there was a murder in town--mother and her 11 year old son. Apparently it was a break and entry, robbery...and then two were killed. A man has lost his wife and child.
Last week a friend and I met and suddenly got talking with the owner of a small restaurant. She ended up coming over to borrow some books, and in the process I found out about her husband...died just a few months ago of cancer of the throat. She, as is common here, never told him he had cancer and was dying.
I was looking through my 'drafts' and found something I started to write a few months ago about the gory pictures around town. A body had been found in two parts near the river and they were trying to figure out who it was and who did it.
Oh, and how can I forget--the 20+ trapped underground in a mine last week--this one made international news...I hear they are still pumping water, still haven't found the workers.
Death. A painful part of this world in which we live. It will be nice--the day that death dies. Until then...
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