I'm still trying to figure out what happened last Sunday.
I didn't go to church, I couldn't...well, I could have, but... I've never done that before. Not quite like that.
Yeah, that's the thing, I was thinking, if this was a work day, and there was a staff meeting (Believe me, there have been days, where there was a staff meeting, and I didn't want to go!!), I could have pulled myself together to be there. Why couldn't I pull myself together that day?
Well, it's different than a staff meeting. In a staff meeting I can pull myself together and choose to focus on the purpose of our meeting. I may or may not need to acknowledge the emotional struggle inside, but I could go on.
But to church...and when feeling so hurt and disappointed by the others there...the PURPOSE of that time on Sunday...don't we bring ourselves honestly before God, worship Him, with others. It didn't feel like an appropriate time to work it out with the people involved. And yet to keep it in would feel so false. And, perhaps all the "working it out" that needed to happen was and is in my mind and heart... I was tired and exhausted. For the first time I realized that church didn't feel safe. So I sent a text that I wasn't coming--honest about the reasons--and stayed home and worked it out with God...and had a nap.
I love this description--that I saw today--a church that describes itself as "a safe place to struggle". Oh...I am so longing for a place like that these days. I am struggling, and not many places or people feel safe. I guess that's called "lonely" then too.
Is it that there are no safe people? No...it just isn't okay to go and vent about the other people you're struggling with. I know, I need to first go and work it out with them. And I am and I have been trying and...sometimes I just don't know how! And I don't know how we got to this place in the first place... There are some with whom I have shared the struggle recently, safe people--who let me vent, and listen, but not to take sides...they want me to do right too.
I struggle. Life is a struggle. Is it okay to struggle? Or do I need to pretend with you...pretend that everything is okay, that I'm okay, that...?
And...am I a safe place to struggle? Maybe sometimes, but sometimes not. I want to be. Lord, help me to be...