It's amazing how many times this theme has jumped out at me today...almost every blog I read, usually in the light of things not happening as planned.And it was in my thoughts...as I walked to our new location, the moving flatbeds soon coming behind me.
And I wonder...God, what are You doing?
You know me well...I don't much like transitions. I'd rather stay in the same place forever, but we moved today. I'd rather keep working with the same people and going longer and deeper, but in several arenas, that is changing too. I'd rather...that a lot of things didn't have to change, but they do, and I can drag my heals and resist and regret or lean forward and embrace the new.
God...I'm scared frankly.
It's hard to embrace the future and lean into the unknown, when so many wounds are still so fresh and bleeding. I'm not sure what's gone wrong, what I could or should have done different, or...
I'm quite sure some of what I'm feeling is just an immature response, akin to pouting in the corner having a tantrum because it didn't go my way. Some of the problems are partly my own making...so "suck it up princess".
Some of what I'm feeling, is also grief, at and over things that are not, things lost, regrets, "what if's". Cannot stay here forever, but going forward may take time.
In the end, circumstances are what they are. And you are still God. You are still on the throne. You still care for me, and You call me to worship.
And...there is some growth You want to see happen in my life...Oh, am I ever starting to see it--the smallness of my heart, the pettiness of my emotions and desires. Oh God, change me to be like You.
Father, I'm coming to You, I keep falling down, but I'm crawling toward You. I will keep seeking. I will keep asking. I will keep listening. I will not harden my heart. I will worship. I will believe and trust in Your care. I will learn to live for Your purposes above my own.
Come, let us worship and bow down.
Let us kneel before the Lord our maker,
for he is our God.
We are the people he watches over,
the flock under his care.
If only you would listen to his voice today!
The Lord says, “Don’t harden your hearts as Israel did at Meribah...
They are a people whose hearts turn away from me.
They refuse to do what I tell them."
Ps. 95:6-10, NLT