"An Examined Life of Thoughtfuless and Grace"

"An Examined Life of Thoughtfuless and Grace," that is the phrase behind the name, and the year of the birth and death of a man I had never heard about until today. I've never heard about him before today, but today he inspires me. 

A article with comments about how to face death when you are terminally ill at Jesus Creed blog today introduced me to lots of interesting resources, and then information and a blog co-written by this man. William Stuntz (1958-2011): An Examined Life of Thoughtfulness and Grace, tells some of his story, and includes comments from those who know him--something inside me recognizes, now THAT is a life well lived.
 
I'm looking forward to learning more about this man, and especially digging into his own blog, and reflections on facing death and pain that seem to have touched and inspired many. Ah...I found them--the personal blogs are here.
 
What would it take, in this life, to have others say of me at the end, "She lived 'an examined life of thoughtfulness and grace'"?

Note: Here's a good post from Stuntz--"Living Weak"  

Walking

Lord, may I walk with You
It's about all I can do
Just walk, just look to You

Hard to get my bearings these days
Hard to know what's going wrong
Or what's going right

All I can do is keep looking to You
And asking
And listening

I see so much
This bit in my heart that does NOT want to see others "vibrant"
Ooh. Where does that come from?
God help, change me
All I can do is ask

Potential problems
Not knowing how to face them
All I can do is, again, ask
Lord, lead me this day
Help me to love You
Help me to love them
And...
I also remember to be thankful
Thank you Lord,
For each one of these You have placed in my life

Frustrations
Okay, I'll take this on
I'll help them with the training they need
Hey, wait! This was someone else's responsibility
What happened? This isn't good
I don't even know how to say it
I talk with You, and then the someone else
All I can do is express the frustation
You said how you feel. This is how I feel.

I didn't know...
These conversations are often so misunderstood
But, funny, the end result in this one
is good

At the end of another week
I'm tired. There is rest ahead.
There have been struggles
But it's okay
I have been carried
There has been enough strength for each moment
 
So many times I wanted to react
Or quit
But another idea came
The presence to pray
Strength to pause
Or wait
Or an idea to pursue

I'm not quite sure what to do
Or how to live
In so many ways
I'm floundering
And struggling

But...
I look to You
I lean on You

Just walking
Everyday ... just live
And walk 
And learn to walk 
with You

Rain

Rain falls

as an era comes to an end
fitting
heaven and earth in harmony
the end matching the beginning
or, actually, the beginning of the end

I remember, the day it all began
also raining
walking home
through the rain
through the tears

I could never have imagined
only pain
only tears

I thought things would get better 
I thought there was hope and joy ahead

When did it turn downhill again
what on earth happened
how am I to understand
how am I to ever trust again
how am I to try again
to hope again

Oh God this hurts!

3 Hours of Joy

A week or so ago I, chagrined, realized that was about all I had in me in a day--just 3 hours of joy. I had started the day on a good note. Time with Father before His throne had me in the right perspective. I was joyful and thankful--about life and about and with those around me. But then something happened. I do not remember now what it was, but I reacted to something, or some event led to discouragement and ending the day on a low note.

It happened again yesterday. The first half of the day went very well, and most of the afternoon too, but there were a couple of interactions that did NOT go well. Twice I quickly became impatient with another person. Once I was impatient because they did not understand what I was trying to communicate. Another time because they did not seem to have the 'heart' for others that I thought they should have by now. I did not the heart, nor the expression of the heart into some ideas and actions that could help us in our work.

Is that it? Is that all I can manage in a day? Just 3 hours of joy?

It is not always that bad. Sometimes it is not even that good.

The upside of this process is that it is starting to really sink in for me--what is really needed, what is really most important is becoming very clear. Getting a lot done by the end of the day feels good. Planning and organizing, seeing some things accomplished, progress on projects, etc--all of this feels good, and is nice. However, if in there there is a conflict, an angry reaction, or just a premature reaction that left someone else crushed rather than built up...at the end of the day there will be regret, much sorrow, less energy. It is simply not worth it. 

It is becoming more and more of a priority for me to change. I must grow in these areas. I must develop patience. I must live out grace and peace and love all day every day. These must be formed in me, and the best way I have found to date for these to start happening is so closely related to morning time spent with the LORD--there in the stillness, making my heart be still before Him, bringing before Him the possibilities of the day, listening as He reminds me of the dangers, asking for His guard, being deliberately aware.

And the morning time, is inextricably linked to the night before. Morning will not happen well, if the night before was way past midnight.

Slowly, I think I am learning. Slowly it is sinking in. Slowly change is happening. Lead me, Lord.

(Someday...I just may write a post entitled "Days of Joy" or "Weeks and Weeks of Joy". Yeah!!)

So Hard to See them Cry...

I find it hard to see teenage guys cry...especially the way these two cried today. 

Okay...actually, they didn't cry much, but I've been crying buckets ever since.

Two boys, different circumstances, at different times--within an hour of each other. Each one carries such pain. I see the pain engulfing them, and yet they are running. The pain is too scary, rather then reaching out to engage, they pull back. One loses himself in studies, doesn't even want to come for meals. When he is alone, when he is reading a book, he can be happy, but not with people. But the tears came when he said, "In my family, no one but my mom cares about me. My stepdad doesn't care for me at all." Ever since junior high, when he's needed school fees, dad (stepdad, his own dad died earlier) won't borrow money for him, tells his mom to go do it.

The other...I'm not even sure what is at the root of it, or, what exactly is the nature of the pain for him right now. It's got to be hard--when you go home, you have to take care of your parents--dad has mental problems, mom has hearing problems. Both seem a little crazy. I suspect his heart is just now waking up to the pain of the life he was born into, and the impact for the future. Sounds like uncle, who takes care of him, might be putting on a fair bit of pressure, and guilt too?

Oh God...have mercy. How do we love these guys? And how many others are hurting just as bad? The older brother of one of our students told us the younger brother wanted to commit suicide about a month and a half ago. So many...carry pain that is too painful to face. I want to help them face it, but...I am not strong enough to enable and strengthen...only You are. But you...they don't know You. How can they know You? How can they know? How can they gain the hope their heart needs?

God have mercy
Christ have mercy
Comfort them
Lead them
Strengthen us
Love through us
 

How You Redeem...

Lord, please show me, teach me, how you truly redeem, how you truly forgive, how our sin truly gets wiped away. 

I know it. I know the facts. I've known them all my life. But I need to somehow know more deeply, if I'm going to be able to athentiically live it out with others.

This kind of rest

This kind of rest, after this kind of week, is not really rest, it's really just a crash. Oh it is definitely needed, and I will certainly feel better and be better able to face the next week, but this is not the best way to live my life.

I'm learning, in stages, what is needed for living a good life--a life that lives out the best version of me. I have learned that I need to set aside days of rest, of sabbath, days of absolutely no work. But I have also been learning that is not enough. I also need to control the work on the days before. When I get to the rest day, and all I can do is crash--where there is not much energy for reading my Bible, or other things that inspire, or to journal or think--I do not gain the soul rest that is most needed. On this kind of weekend, the first day is just...veg, sleep, read only the lightest material. By the end of the day, I almost start to feel alive again. Then, if there is ANOTHER day off, maybe on that day I can really enter in to an even deeper and soul refreshing rest, where I feel like I can and am actually hearing from God.

So today I crash. No guilt in that, I'm thankful for the chance to catch up on sleep. But I also look towards next week, and the following weeks. How can I better prioritize? What do I need to say no to? How can I keep the work hours to just 40-50? Then the rest and the personal time, will be more deeply refreshing, and...not even mentioned yet, will give time for some of the housework and baking that also refreshes in its own unique way.

More Like This One

Today, was a good day at work.

I want more days like this one.

I want every day to be like this one. 

It was long...very long. Yesterday was long too, and tomorrow will be. But it was good. There was good cooperation. One of the projects we've been working on, that has been so hard, today went well. We've been trying to find elusive solutions and creating processes that will simplify, but the path is not clear, and the final solution isn't even that straight forward. It can be so frustrating. I feel I've tried to communicate clearly, but somehow we have not been on the same page. And then frustrating for a staff member--work their butt of to produce what they think is needed, only to hear, "okay, now can you take it and do..."

But today was good. There was an awareness of potential pitfalls, and working together through them. There were gentle reminders. "It's lunch time, yeah, take a break. We've still got a long day ahead, with lots of complicated parts that are going to need us to be really alert, and rise above emotional reactions." "Okay, this part--it is going to be complicated. There will be errors, and we don't quite know the best way to work it, but that's part of it."

And today--things that could have been frustrations, and irritations with each other, were light, and amusing instead. It started with my a.m. text message--"I'll be at the office at 9:40-45. I want to have a quick meeting then and plan the day." Just 2 minutes before leaving the house I thought it was strange that a staff member texted back--"so, what about that other meeting?" What? I thought. Just wait a few minutes...I'll be right there and we'll talk about it.  At 8:45 I was there, just as I had said..."Come on guys...our meeting." The first person came in, "Your text said 9..." Yeah...I had meant to say 8:40-45...but it was all flex today. We were able to enjoy each other and laugh about our mistakes, and easily point out and laugh (in the best way possible) about those of others too.

I want every day at work to be like this one. I'm going to need to work hard to make it happen. Mostly, I'm going to need to keep coming before my Father each day--submitting all my worries and stresses, asking for grace, being so aware of the pressure I can give to others.

Thank You, Lord. I think I am learning. Most of all I am learning of my incredible need for You, and I am willing that when I pray and ask, You do lead and answer. I prayed yesterday knowing...I'm feeling the time crunch, and frustration at not knowing how things will get done. It will be easy for me to speak out of that, and for others then to think I'm mad at them. Lord, help me be aware, and not do that...

Today, was a good day at work.

I want more days like this one.

I want every day to be like this one. 

What does faith look like?

I've been listening to a great series, his current series, on Faith & Doubt by Greg Boyd. Today I listened to one called Imagine. This message is about how to have faith in the midst of really hard things. He shared about their 25 year-old son, and his struggles, and their pain due to his autism. I, too, have wrestled with hard things, and wondered how to live in faith and joy in the face of them.

We can't fix the world, but we're not allowed to do hopeless.

So what DO we do? I've come to realize...I spend a lot of time trying to "fix" things. My goodness, my whole life is about trying to improve thigns in one way or another. However, I'm realizing...it can go too far. And some things don't seem to change.

So what does faith look like in the middle of an unfixable situation?

He mentioned the people that used to be idealistic. They are the ones that can get really bitter and cynical in the end. Or, perhaps now they are still really angry about the wrong in the world, the injustices--they are the ones who still think they can do something to fix it.

We can't fix it. We're not supposed to be the ones to fix it. WAIT!!  Everything in me ragese against that thought. What, are we supposed to give in to despair? Are we supposed to give up and walk away? 

And yet I have struggled, and asked many times in the past year, "Lord, what am I supposed to do with this pain?" There are things that I cannot change, although I wish I could and at times I have tried. 

In the message he takes us to another perspective...to remembering, and looking forward to the day when Christ will reign as victor over all these things, when there will be no more pain and tears. (Did I say I recommend this series?  Serious, take a listen!)

And in the meantime we live in faith. We still do what we can, but we're somehow released from having to "fix" things. And it still hurts.

God, ...help us to have the faith to go on, 
keep making whatever difference we can make, 
knowing we can't fix it. 

Why so angry?

I was so upset last night, and then again today. I could go there again now.
Scary.

I need to process. I need to get to the root of this, and figure out:  Why I am so angry?  And after I figure that out, I need to know what to do next.

A few weeks ago there was a free resource I downloaded from Christianity Today--on Word doc called Managing Conflict. I opened it up and started reading more of it last night, and then more just now. One article by Bill Hybels is particularly helpful and insightful. I do love the numerous examples he gives--of different types of conflict, different ways of resolving, the heart searching that is needed, ways of keeping conflict above ground.

Yes, this anger has to do with something between me and another person. So many streams of events, so much that has impacted where things are now. And I'm surprised at the intensity of emotion inside of me.

As Hybels talks about being emotionally healthy, I can't help but ask myself, "Am I ... emotionally healthy?" Scary to ask. Scary to consider a negative answer--especially as I spend my whole life supposedly helping others walk towards being 'healthy'.

Yet, I am finding, there is always room to go deeper. And, I have been suprised in recent years to see that in certain parts of my life, I am pretty messed up. In this situation, there are some emotions inside, and some thoughts--when I stand apart and look, I have to say, "Wow, that's a pretty immature response." And I see other things too--like pride and arrogance. I recognize that sometimes I would rather hide, or defend and accuse, than humble myself. And sometimes I just want to walk away.

I do love the numerous examples he gives--of different types of conflict, different ways of resolving, the heart searching that is needed, ways of keeping conflict above ground. It's hopeful, motivating. There is a type of person I want to be, want to become, but sometimes I face the true cost and am tempted to back away.

So...here, I have started to process. Much more is needed.

Lord, please lead me, and grow me--I need to be an emotionally healthy person. What do I need to face? What do I need to work through? What is my baggage--especially the stuff not yet discovered? And in this situation, please lead--may I be a person who works hard for community, and reconciliation. May my heart be filled with your love. May I learn and practise the skills to work well with others.

Fight to joy

If there is going to be joy today, I am going to have to fight for it. 

"Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O LORD, I lift up my soul."

--Ps. 86:4

This verse was in the prayer book this morning. "Give me joy, Lord,"--that's what I hear David saying.

And that's what I'm saying.

The burdens--what are they even? Weariness--physical and emotional exhuastion. Relationship issues--not real 'conflict' or anything that tangible and specific that can be 'resolved', but just feeling the hurt of where things are not. Then there are the feelings of frustration--that I haven't got it together yet, and don't know how to. I am behind in so many things. The piles are seriously growing to almost out of control. Is the path we are currently planning for this term one that will help reduce the piles in the future, or is it just more craziness and frustration ahead? Should I put the brakes on some of the plans--now, quick, before it is too late? But would that be just a reaction?  And, then...what would we actually DO?

And so...because of the way I feel...I don't feel joy.

But somehow I believe I should be able to find and live in joy. In spite of all this, there is a God who has not changed. His love and care for me is as real as ever. His promise to direct my paths and care for all that concerns me has not changed. His work in transforming me is still happening--there is hope all around. 

There can be joy, but I am going to have to fight for it. I am going to have to choose it. 

I choose, today, with whatever is left of it... to live in joy.

I have known God

I have known God
to really be the refuge He says He is
I know
I do not have to wait until I'm 'all together'
to find a welcome in His presence
In His presence
there is a true embrace
rest for the weary
I really can pour out my heart there
No matter what state it is in

I know God
to really be the refuge He says He is
So today...
At the end of a week 
where the burdens have been so very heavy
I come
And as I come
music helping me remember 
who He is
The tears must flow
It is safe here
I can be weak here
And I know
Here I will find hope
and strength
and love
to continue to carry or face
whatever may come

Trust in Him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge. 

         --Ps. 62:8

Not sure what love is

I'm not sure if I know what love is
Or... rather 
I'm not sure if I know how to love
Do I
Have I ever loved
Is love a feeling
It's easy to feel love for...
those who love me
those who return my acts of love or affection
those who are needy
those who seem to receive and grow and benefit from what I have done for them
those who are thankful

But anybody can "love" people in those categories
I find myself thinking
It kind of stinks that I'm supposed to keep loving now
Now with things the way they are
Here, now, is the test of my love

How do I know what is love, or how to love?

I suspect
...it has not much to do with how I feel 
(probably shouldn't expect some warm fuzzies at this point)
...maybe holding back from saying some things I want to say to cause pain--that is probably an act of love--this I can do
...maybe praying for the situation, even though it hurts like crap that I haven't been invited into it, yep...that is probably love

I thought I knew what love is
I thought I wanted to learn
Sometimes, I find I don't
But then again, I do
For there is this Love that draws me
That has taken over my life
I want to learn, be changed by, and give
That same sort of Love
Yet, as I enter the process
I start to learn
Just how high and long and deep and wide that love really is
Far higher than mine
and so I sink into His
and learn to live mine


--Reflections from January 2011

If I do nothing else

If I do nothing else today, but meet with You, that would be enough.

Life circumstances, the "Animate" series by Greg Boyd...these tell me it is much needed.

May I see You.
May I know You.
May I sense and know the weight of Your glory.
May everything else be brought into right perspective in Your Presence.

And may I be changed as I look at You.

Peace on Earth

Jesus, Messiah
Peace to this earth
You came to bring

Fill my heart
Fill my life
Continue the transformation
You have begun

Lead me
Lead us all
By Your Light
Out of our darkness

And joy
Fill our lives with your joy
For the journey is long
And hard
As Yours was much more so
But for the joy set before you...
You endured
And finished well

So may we live with joy
And worship
And live with Peace
In Light
So may I live with joy

Will it ever end?

For some it is like this I hear...

Adolescence
Parent and child
Who knows why there are so many flare ups
Why every word (it seems) comes ripe with the potential for
Misunderstanding, mistrust, misconstruing 
So many conversations trying to reconcile
Work things out
Explain
Understand

But still new ones come
Who knows where they come from sometimes
Will it ever end?

And it just hurts
It's just hard
Looking at someone you care for
Knowing you're unable to express the care
Or, somehow, every time you try 
It doesn't make it to their heart, their understanding
Feeling you are despised, a pain
Them feeling they are that to you, too

Will we make it through this time of pain?
What will it take?
Is there something different to do?
Another way to live?

All I know to do
Is to keep holding on to this hand that is holding me
And not give up

Jesus, search, reveal, renew, restore
Grant faith, hope, endurance, and joy
To somehow make it through this season
And emerge on the other side
With an incredible story to tell
A story of Your grace and mercy

The Cost of Tears

It just occurred to me that one key to learning to live or regaining my balance might be to budget in about 5 hours for "crying" into each work week. Either that, or add an extra day of rest to cry and recover. I guess our staff all need that sort of time too...they are even closer to some painful situations.

The pain I see or hear about ... takes a serious toll. This week, the event that 'inspired' Cry for the Children was a baby girl having been given away. The person closer to the situation--also deeply affected and called to action.

Today ... there are bus rides, conversations, and people changing their minds, willing to try to go and find her... and I'm crying again.

Sometimes I think I'm crying tears people don't know to cry for themselves, or tears they've locked away deep inside...waiting for the day to come out. 

I'm crying and praying for that baby girl...about 2 weeks old now. Where is she? Father, please protect her, prepare a home for her, a home where she will be loved.

If I sometimes feel I can hardly bear the pain... I wonder how God does it, He sees it so much more clearly.

But then, if He can see it and go on, then maybe I can too.

And maybe He can see it and go on, because He sees somethinge else so much more clearly than I--He sees what He wants to do and can do in the situation. He sees what He plans to do--the beauty, the hope, the purifying, the refining--the wonderful redemption He can and wills to bring about. Sometimes I can see a little of what might come, but I need to see more. Father, give me eyes of faith to see what You see, to see, believe, and walk forward in hope.

Regaining Balance

It's a skill I guess, adjusting all along the way to the things that come...and I'm still trying to figure out how to do it.

I remember, a few years ago, when it became a part of my thinking: "Crises WILL come". At that point it was about crises with students in our program.  Before that, something big would happen--a dropping out, an huge illness, even death--and it would throw us off and we'd be scrambling. Then I realized, we needed to anticipate, that crises would come. Once it became part of the thinking, it was easier--easier to allow and plan for the time that things might take, people that might need to be available, etc. We also made a plan for a 24-hour phone that ONE PERSON would carry at a time, and we would not all have to feel like we were all on call 24/7.

Now I need that same thinking again, but in other ways. I need to learn how to do big-picture planning. For that, I need time and space, and listening to God. But then these "crises" come up in the process, and then throw me for a major loop. These ones are of a different nature--people I thought I could rely on to carry a certain load, suddenly back away, and the load, or the decisions that are needed, land back on me. Ugh! What am I supposed to do? Sometimes it happens through miscommunication. Sometimes it is through immaturity. Sometimes it is a result of sudden loads that land on them--family and personal issues--and they have to adjust. For some...there are some things that can be done to prevent, for others ... maybe it just needs to once again become part of my thinking.

Somehow I need to learn to anticipate this sort of thing as part of this life, this job. And to remember...all along my Father knows. He has not been taken by surprise. He knew this would be coming, and he will give all I need for this time.


I don't need to lose my balance, I don't need to overreact. There can be peace each day, no matter what is coming! I do need to learn to plan for a lighter load though, because, things will happen, the load will be heavier than I foresee now.

Out of these Ashes

"Out of these ashes, beauty will rise"  --Steven Curtis Chapman song

I don't know how.

I don't know when.

But a time is coming.

It will happen.

Sometimes there are brief glimpses into the future, brief ideas of possibility. Something good will come of all the death and destruction that has been. Something good and strong and beautiful will rise out of the pain and distrust. 

A new day will dawn. 

Light will shine. 

Hope will rise. 

Joy will flow. 

Hope will shine. 

And on that day, the tears will be replaced by awe and wonder. 

Praise to our God shall resound.

And stories will be told--so many stories.

Stories of redemption.

Stories of rescue.

Stories of dark pits and despair exchanged for purpose and strength.

Stories of violence and abuse exchanged for treasuring and intimacy.

Stories of wimps--gutless, spineless men living only for their own pleasure--becoming men of courage, mighty in the land, respected and honoured by all. 

Stories of women--once broken and abused, pandering after affection, not knowing their worth--now standing straight, walking tall, but also bending down...to lift another, encourage the disheartened, extend a hand to the weak.

These are the stories that will be told.

Once the ashes settle.

Once the time of tears comes to an end.

Once the healing bears its fruit.

Once bitten by a snake...

In Chinese it goes this way:  一朝被蛇咬，十年怕井绳, translated: a person once bitten by a snake will for ten years shy at a rope.

Sure, I dropped my stone, but it's all still so very sensitive. I flipped, over-reacted, again today.  Oh, it's not just from that long-ago event and related issues, but from another earlier this week that really happened. Today's, was a perception, actually not just perception, but once again, "You did something different from what you said you would do. Can you be trusted at all?"

How do you get over jumping at every little thing that looks like a snake? Is it just a matter of time.  And an ongoing series...of dropping the stone, again, and again. Oh, and apologizing for overreacting...