Fight to joy

If there is going to be joy today, I am going to have to fight for it. 

"Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O LORD, I lift up my soul."
--Ps. 86:4

This verse was in the prayer book this morning. "Give me joy, Lord,"--that's what I hear David saying.

And that's what I'm saying.

The burdens--what are they even? Weariness--physical and emotional exhuastion. Relationship issues--not real 'conflict' or anything that tangible and specific that can be 'resolved', but just feeling the hurt of where things are not. Then there are the feelings of frustration--that I haven't got it together yet, and don't know how to. I am behind in so many things. The piles are seriously growing to almost out of control. Is the path we are currently planning for this term one that will help reduce the piles in the future, or is it just more craziness and frustration ahead? Should I put the brakes on some of the plans--now, quick, before it is too late? But would that be just a reaction?  And, then...what would we actually DO?

And so...because of the way I feel...I don't feel joy.

But somehow I believe I should be able to find and live in joy. In spite of all this, there is a God who has not changed. His love and care for me is as real as ever. His promise to direct my paths and care for all that concerns me has not changed. His work in transforming me is still happening--there is hope all around. 

There can be joy, but I am going to have to fight for it. I am going to have to choose it. 

I choose, today, with whatever is left of it... to live in joy.

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