I was so upset last night, and then again today. I could go there again now.
I need to process. I need to get to the root of this, and figure out: Why I am so angry? And after I figure that out, I need to know what to do next.
A few weeks ago there was a free resource I downloaded from Christianity Today--on Word doc called Managing Conflict. I opened it up and started reading more of it last night, and then more just now. One article by Bill Hybels is particularly helpful and insightful. I do love the numerous examples he gives--of different types of conflict, different ways of resolving, the heart searching that is needed, ways of keeping conflict above ground.
Yes, this anger has to do with something between me and another person. So many streams of events, so much that has impacted where things are now. And I'm surprised at the intensity of emotion inside of me.
As Hybels talks about being emotionally healthy, I can't help but ask myself, "Am I ... emotionally healthy?" Scary to ask. Scary to consider a negative answer--especially as I spend my whole life supposedly helping others walk towards being 'healthy'.
Yet, I am finding, there is always room to go deeper. And, I have been suprised in recent years to see that in certain parts of my life, I am pretty messed up. In this situation, there are some emotions inside, and some thoughts--when I stand apart and look, I have to say, "Wow, that's a pretty immature response." And I see other things too--like pride and arrogance. I recognize that sometimes I would rather hide, or defend and accuse, than humble myself. And sometimes I just want to walk away.
I do love the numerous examples he gives--of different types of conflict, different ways of resolving, the heart searching that is needed, ways of keeping conflict above ground. It's hopeful, motivating. There is a type of person I want to be, want to become, but sometimes I face the true cost and am tempted to back away.
So...here, I have started to process. Much more is needed.
Lord, please lead me, and grow me--I need to be an emotionally healthy person. What do I need to face? What do I need to work through? What is my baggage--especially the stuff not yet discovered? And in this situation, please lead--may I be a person who works hard for community, and reconciliation. May my heart be filled with your love. May I learn and practise the skills to work well with others.