Can I trust my life to God? (Remembering the Journey)

(Remembering the Journey--written August 11, 2012)

Can I trust that You love me
Can I trust that You are on my side
that it is good
and for my good
even if You are disciplining me
Trying to show me better ways to live

I keep getting so mad
So frustrated
"but..." "but..."
What if they...
What about was so wrong
It hurt so much
What if
What if it happens again

Can I really just lay it all down
Leave myself open and vulnerable
and love

If only I could lose sight of self
Of caring whether or not I 
   get it right
   make a contribution
   am useful

It means laying down
All hopes and dreams
All plans
All direction
All expectation of outcomes
All hopes for friendship
Allies for the journey

And it means
The risk of 
being so lost
so unsure
even more than I already am

If somehow I could know You
If I could be really close to You
I think I could do it
I think it could happen
I think I could know that freedom

And maybe even learn to love
Despite pain

I really don't know how You did it Jesus
Please show me

"I don't even know how to be Christian." That's one thought that went through my head not long ago. The most basic and essential stuff, like LOVE--I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to love. Lots of times I don't even want to love, except at a cerebral level that still, somehow allows me to pray "God, help me to want to want to love" and the "Please, pour out Your love into my heart" (hey, there is hope there--He does say that He does this)--only God can enable me to love like He does.

And I think this is about trust too. Can I really trust my life to God? Oh I know I can and I will and I do, and I've been here many times before and made the decision to trust. But I'm here again, realizing ways I need to trust.

"Remembering the Journey"--posts discovered in 'drafts'. Posted now for me to remember...remember the journey...where we have been, where He has brought me...

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