What a wrestle it's been this week Lord
Thank You for more of a sense of peace...finally
What a wrestle to trust
to believe
to actually, really rely
To believe that You are watching over me
That all will be okay
To rely on Your unfailing love
And have it actually affect my emotions
And the way I work
I so crave
clarity
direction
reliable outcomes
And when they are nowhere in sight
I go CRAZY
Can I really believe that you are watching over
to rescue
to deliver
in love
Can I learn to work like you do
in faithfulness
(reflections from life, and hanging out in Psalm 33 for 2 weeks)
I want to want You
O God, I have tasted Your goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of furthergrace, I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want You; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Your glory, I pray You, that so I may know You indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow You up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Prayer at the end of chapter 1 of A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God, with "Thee's" and "Thou's" changed to "You" and "Your"
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Prayer at the end of chapter 1 of A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God, with "Thee's" and "Thou's" changed to "You" and "Your"
For You Alone Jesus
An opportunity to prove, service is for you alone.
I had spent a few hours, preparing for their session. Then the leader of the group said he wasn't coming, but the others were. That was disheartening.
Okay, oh well. Father, may it bless them, these young lives.
I had spent a few hours, preparing for their session. Then the leader of the group said he wasn't coming, but the others were. That was disheartening.
Okay, oh well. Father, may it bless them, these young lives.
I, too, run...
They do it all the time
run from life
the hard choices
a painful past
regrets
apologizing
admitting
She
a few weeks ago
finally had the courage to admit
been sleeping with her boyfriend for a year and a half
and knows she shouldn't
and wants to stop
but doesn't want to stop
and now
is running
not showing up at things
He
in grade 10 didn't want to attend the grief group
could vaguely mention that not having a dad was hard
but couldn't really admit it
now, grade 12
he's finally stood in front of a group and admitted
it's hard
he's often lied when others ask
it's painful
and he doesn't know what to do
maybe soon he'll be ready to stop running
And I encourage them to
face it
admit it
recognize the pain
own your responsibility
make the right choices
don't run
and yet that they do
makes sense
we all do
and it especially makes sense
when you're a teenager
or you don't yet know a God
who will walk you through
be with you
as you turn and face reality
but
I, too, run...
Me
25 years their senior
knowing the You that will be with me through EVERYTHING
I run
it's pathetic
I run from the responsibilities
the never-ending unknowing
the waiting
the complexity
the intensity
the lack of intensity
the questions with no quick-coming answers
the fears
...that I'm wrong
...that I might push her away
...that I haven't done enough or prayed enough
...that You won't meet me when I come to talk about it
This life of faith is hard
and hard in ways I did not expect
I wanted hard
but I didn't think it would look like this
so I find my ways to run
instead of trust
and own
and ask
and wait for You
Let this be my stopping
my turning back
my wrestling to the ground
Teach me God
to fully embrace this life You give
every part
to own it
and know it as good
run from life
the hard choices
a painful past
regrets
apologizing
admitting
She
a few weeks ago
finally had the courage to admit
been sleeping with her boyfriend for a year and a half
and knows she shouldn't
and wants to stop
but doesn't want to stop
and now
is running
not showing up at things
He
in grade 10 didn't want to attend the grief group
could vaguely mention that not having a dad was hard
but couldn't really admit it
now, grade 12
he's finally stood in front of a group and admitted
it's hard
he's often lied when others ask
it's painful
and he doesn't know what to do
maybe soon he'll be ready to stop running
And I encourage them to
face it
admit it
recognize the pain
own your responsibility
make the right choices
don't run
and yet that they do
makes sense
we all do
and it especially makes sense
when you're a teenager
or you don't yet know a God
who will walk you through
be with you
as you turn and face reality
but
I, too, run...
Me
25 years their senior
knowing the You that will be with me through EVERYTHING
I run
it's pathetic
I run from the responsibilities
the never-ending unknowing
the waiting
the complexity
the intensity
the lack of intensity
the questions with no quick-coming answers
the fears
...that I'm wrong
...that I might push her away
...that I haven't done enough or prayed enough
...that You won't meet me when I come to talk about it
This life of faith is hard
and hard in ways I did not expect
I wanted hard
but I didn't think it would look like this
so I find my ways to run
instead of trust
and own
and ask
and wait for You
Let this be my stopping
my turning back
my wrestling to the ground
Teach me God
to fully embrace this life You give
every part
to own it
and know it as good
Oh little boy...
Oh little boy
I love to see
Every time your mommy posts
Photos
You
So full of life
and joy
your face
always so
Expectant
For you
Life is good
You know love
Every day
you soak
You bask
In the love and joy others have for you
And turn it right back
The world is here to bless you
To help you grow
To bring you joy
There is no fear of pain on your face
There is no holding back
No suspicion
No doubting of motives
No wondering if there is something else
After the fun and the joy
I love to see your face
Yet I cringe
Someday you will start to taste
Another side
You'll find
Life is not always good
Sometimes you expect the good
and get slapped across the face
Sometimes, it's hard to hope
hard to be so
Expectant
What will happen then
Will you lose your joy
Will your face fall
Will you carry a protective layer
Will your eyes harbour suspicion
If that happpens
You will have lost so much
There is a truth you know deep down now
May you know it deep down then too
You can hope
There is good
You are safe
You are loved
Now your parents show you
But soon even they won't be able to
Then may your Father know you
And may you know Him
And trust Him
And
In spite of the pain
And possible disappointments
Live
Expectant!
I love to see
Every time your mommy posts
Photos
You
So full of life
and joy
your face
always so
Expectant
For you
Life is good
You know love
Every day
you soak
You bask
In the love and joy others have for you
And turn it right back
The world is here to bless you
To help you grow
To bring you joy
There is no fear of pain on your face
There is no holding back
No suspicion
No doubting of motives
No wondering if there is something else
After the fun and the joy
I love to see your face
Yet I cringe
Someday you will start to taste
Another side
You'll find
Life is not always good
Sometimes you expect the good
and get slapped across the face
Sometimes, it's hard to hope
hard to be so
Expectant
What will happen then
Will you lose your joy
Will your face fall
Will you carry a protective layer
Will your eyes harbour suspicion
If that happpens
You will have lost so much
There is a truth you know deep down now
May you know it deep down then too
You can hope
There is good
You are safe
You are loved
Now your parents show you
But soon even they won't be able to
Then may your Father know you
And may you know Him
And trust Him
And
In spite of the pain
And possible disappointments
Live
Expectant!
I'd rather wash feet...
I was eager to serve, I love to serve, I can easily serve too much and for wrong motives. I work in a serving profession. I generally joyfully serve. So what's there to learn, right?
No, I didn't go into it that glibly, or that naively this week. I knew there would be lots to learn...there always is...
Some of the tasks of this week are service that I gladly take on.
In fact, I can't think of any task that I don't want to take on.
But what I'm finding is a complete and utter inability to serve well.
It's not I don't like the task, I do.
It's not that I don't think the other needs serving, they do.
It's not that I don't want to, I do.
I just keep stumbling at it.
I guess I stumble over myself.
My selfishness and impatience gets in the way.
I start out wanting to serve and bless,
And end up irritated and frustrated.
It's not about the task.
It seems, there is something wrong with my heart
At a very core level
That I cannot seem to reach
I'd do better washing feet
(well, at least for a day or two...)
(*The painting--hangs on my living room wall--a gift from a dear friend, an original...and a great reminder. No faces in the picture. So...just who is washing feet? It is not limited.)
Two Boys
Two boys
Same grade
Same grief group
Both lost dad to suicide
Both saw dad's body not too long after the fact
One found the body hanging
One saw him shortly after the stabbing, blood everywhere
...details that were never shared in the grief group
Two guys
I
Watched them suffer
Watched them lost
Watched them hurt
Watched them and yearned...
Now...both...adopted into new family
A new Dad
Reaching out
Healing
Oh...Thank You Father
For reaching out to them
God...there is still a third boy
From that grade
From that grief group
When I think back to that group
The thing I remember most is the one time
The third boy
His small voice
Confessing loss and hurt
Will he come too
Will he know You
Will he join the family
Your great big family
Of hope and healing
And boys... coming home
(Wow...just heard about one of these guys today...weeping as I write this... the things that grab a heart! The tears shed before, the prayers prayed, now...seeing them answered, step by step. Maybe 4 years from now I'll hear news about people I hurt and wept and prayed for last year...)
Same grade
Same grief group
Both lost dad to suicide
Both saw dad's body not too long after the fact
One found the body hanging
One saw him shortly after the stabbing, blood everywhere
...details that were never shared in the grief group
Two guys
I
Watched them suffer
Watched them lost
Watched them hurt
Watched them and yearned...
Now...both...adopted into new family
A new Dad
Reaching out
Healing
Oh...Thank You Father
For reaching out to them
God...there is still a third boy
From that grade
From that grief group
When I think back to that group
The thing I remember most is the one time
The third boy
His small voice
Confessing loss and hurt
Will he come too
Will he know You
Will he join the family
Your great big family
Of hope and healing
And boys... coming home
(Wow...just heard about one of these guys today...weeping as I write this... the things that grab a heart! The tears shed before, the prayers prayed, now...seeing them answered, step by step. Maybe 4 years from now I'll hear news about people I hurt and wept and prayed for last year...)
Non-Christians better than Christians
This is a sad one, but I do agree, and I'm seeing it now.
Someone else said this. I was recommending one of our former students to his program in his city. He trains university students to do youth programs, and then then run them in the junior and senior high schools--communication, anger management, etc. And I said, "He's not a Christian," thinking maybe that he may only take on believers. "That's okay he said, some non-Christians are better than Christians."
Yeah, I know.
We're teaching a program this term--my colleague is not a believer, but wow, she is a neat person. And ever since she started working here she has been willing to grow and learn. She is so engaged, it has been such a pleasure planning and teaching the program with her. She engages, and facilitates--adds her thoughts even if it is someone else teaching and it might get changed a bit later.
We last taught it two and a half years ago. At the time my partner in the project was a "Christian", but how many times did he seem to be engaged, only to drop the ball, not follow through. Finally he totally backed out of helping with the preparation.
What about me?
Yeah, what about me.
In some things I do pretty well, my colleagues would point out areas in which I've grown. But I sure have been showing up late to a lot of meetings lately. I know there is at least one person that notices, and it bothers him.
What about me...
To be faithful...
To grow, and change.
It's important.
Someone else said this. I was recommending one of our former students to his program in his city. He trains university students to do youth programs, and then then run them in the junior and senior high schools--communication, anger management, etc. And I said, "He's not a Christian," thinking maybe that he may only take on believers. "That's okay he said, some non-Christians are better than Christians."
Yeah, I know.
We're teaching a program this term--my colleague is not a believer, but wow, she is a neat person. And ever since she started working here she has been willing to grow and learn. She is so engaged, it has been such a pleasure planning and teaching the program with her. She engages, and facilitates--adds her thoughts even if it is someone else teaching and it might get changed a bit later.
We last taught it two and a half years ago. At the time my partner in the project was a "Christian", but how many times did he seem to be engaged, only to drop the ball, not follow through. Finally he totally backed out of helping with the preparation.
What about me?
Yeah, what about me.
In some things I do pretty well, my colleagues would point out areas in which I've grown. But I sure have been showing up late to a lot of meetings lately. I know there is at least one person that notices, and it bothers him.
What about me...
To be faithful...
To grow, and change.
It's important.
Can You meet him?
Please meet him Lord
I don't even know if he's Yours
Maybe
But he feels distant
Distant
But maybe in a place to learn and grow again
He called tonight
Wanted to know what I thought he should do
He's lacking courage, he says
Afraid of everything
I thinking he's lacking reason, motivation
Reason and hope big enough to make it worth it
Although far from you
He still has his Bible
Still takes it on his travels I guess
Right there by his bed
I told him to read Joshua 1
How you told Joshua he should be courageous
And WHY he could
Lord, help him to see it
Help him to dare to reach out to You again
And believe
And, as he reads
Can You do something special?
Can You meet him there?
Can You do that thing You are really good at...
where it just comes alive
And the truth in the Book resonates
As truth inside a heart
Help him get it Lord
Thank You for bringing him to this place
More willing to be weak, to admit his weakness
Lead him to healing Lord
Fill up the emptiness
This is Your will
Do it for him please..
In Jesus' name
This is my prayer
(This guy...another one, whose dad died when he was young. Now his mom is gone somewhere else, remarried, and he is lost.)
I don't even know if he's Yours
Maybe
But he feels distant
Distant
But maybe in a place to learn and grow again
He called tonight
Wanted to know what I thought he should do
He's lacking courage, he says
Afraid of everything
I thinking he's lacking reason, motivation
Reason and hope big enough to make it worth it
Although far from you
He still has his Bible
Still takes it on his travels I guess
Right there by his bed
I told him to read Joshua 1
How you told Joshua he should be courageous
And WHY he could
Lord, help him to see it
Help him to dare to reach out to You again
And believe
And, as he reads
Can You do something special?
Can You meet him there?
Can You do that thing You are really good at...
where it just comes alive
And the truth in the Book resonates
As truth inside a heart
Help him get it Lord
Thank You for bringing him to this place
More willing to be weak, to admit his weakness
Lead him to healing Lord
Fill up the emptiness
This is Your will
Do it for him please..
In Jesus' name
This is my prayer
(This guy...another one, whose dad died when he was young. Now his mom is gone somewhere else, remarried, and he is lost.)
Bring me back
Please bring me back LORD
Help me return
To rhythm
Rhythm and connection
A rhythm of getting up for time with You
Seeking you first before anything else
Seeking
And really connecting
Not allowing myself this frantic running around
And busyness
The busyness may come
And interfere for a time
But it has been long enough now
And now it is time
To get back
LORD, show me again, still
How to stop
Where to spend my time this week
And may I reserve much time to
Speak with You
Ask YOUR advice on so many things
And listen
Really listen
Long and deep
Bring me back Lord
To rhythm and connection
A rhythm that keeps me connected to YOU
Nothing else really matters
Anything else is useless
There will be no fruit from anything else
No lasting fruit
May I remember
And believe
And DO
Help me return
To rhythm
Rhythm and connection
A rhythm of getting up for time with You
Seeking you first before anything else
Seeking
And really connecting
Not allowing myself this frantic running around
And busyness
The busyness may come
And interfere for a time
But it has been long enough now
And now it is time
To get back
LORD, show me again, still
How to stop
Where to spend my time this week
And may I reserve much time to
Speak with You
Ask YOUR advice on so many things
And listen
Really listen
Long and deep
Bring me back Lord
To rhythm and connection
A rhythm that keeps me connected to YOU
Nothing else really matters
Anything else is useless
There will be no fruit from anything else
No lasting fruit
May I remember
And believe
And DO
what to do with the mid-night hours...
That sounds almost philosophical, as though it may be going in the direction of the "Dark Night of the Soul" or something like that. Nope. Just literal. I seem to have a lot of irregular sleep nights. Sunday night, I was so tired, I went to bed and was asleep around 9:30, but then awake at 1. It's now 3:44. I won't be here long...I'm going to have some coffee and move into time in the Journey With Jesus. When I get tired again, I'll go back to bed, but at least I'll have already put in the effort to do what I need to do in the day, for the the day time in which I may need to sleep.
The night hours. Easy to wile them away, not realizing they are important hours...
The night hours. Easy to wile them away, not realizing they are important hours...
Spin
I've been thinking about this again lately.
Do you know anyone that does "spin"? That does it really well?
I know two. They are frightening.
I'm not quite sure what to do with them. The best defense I have found so far is to stay far away, try not to get close to them, try not to have anything that deeply concerns me or that I am working on too deeply connected with them. It is also to guard my heart and emotions when in conversation with them. Things will be said that make me feel really good and connected, then let down my guard, but it may not be real, and in the end I will be hurt and disappointed. It has happened time and again.
Someone who does "spin"
You cannot win with them
You'll always be the one who was wrong
They will always have an understandable reason, to be excused for their failing
They will not take responsibility
Oh they might say they are sorry, seeming to take responsibility
But there is no change in their life to prove it
The worst thing about it is that these are Christians...and I find myself wondering.
Actually, I am almost afraid to say they "do spin"--it sounds so evil and manipulative, and I wonder, do they do it intentionally? What is behind it? And if they do it to me, they must do it to others. Actually the reason why I am thinking about it so much again is because I am seeing thi in someone and wondering what is my responsibility. And oh, believe me, I have confronted individually, I have talked to them one on one, trying my best to do that in love, examining my own heart first...so this is not about gossip, wanting to make someone else look bad.
With one person I have struggled for at least a year to keep learning to forgive, have a heart of love...but now I wonder if I should be warning those around...especially now seeing some problems. One person is somewhat aware, I have warned. But others....are they in danger? How much?
With the other person, I gave up long ago. Now, just trying to learn strategies and have courage to prevent further pain.
What does Scripture say? What are the guiding principles? Is there hope? Only if and when THEY really see it. My experience so far is that they don't, even after years and years of the same thing. Is there a way of confronting and holding to a standard that speaks to these people more than others?
And, wow, whenever I think about something like this, I have got to ask myself...do I "do spin"? What are ways I might, even ever so slightly? Lord, reveal. Let nothing of the sort remain.
Do you know anyone that does "spin"? That does it really well?
I know two. They are frightening.
I'm not quite sure what to do with them. The best defense I have found so far is to stay far away, try not to get close to them, try not to have anything that deeply concerns me or that I am working on too deeply connected with them. It is also to guard my heart and emotions when in conversation with them. Things will be said that make me feel really good and connected, then let down my guard, but it may not be real, and in the end I will be hurt and disappointed. It has happened time and again.
Someone who does "spin"
You cannot win with them
You'll always be the one who was wrong
They will always have an understandable reason, to be excused for their failing
They will not take responsibility
Oh they might say they are sorry, seeming to take responsibility
But there is no change in their life to prove it
The worst thing about it is that these are Christians...and I find myself wondering.
Actually, I am almost afraid to say they "do spin"--it sounds so evil and manipulative, and I wonder, do they do it intentionally? What is behind it? And if they do it to me, they must do it to others. Actually the reason why I am thinking about it so much again is because I am seeing thi in someone and wondering what is my responsibility. And oh, believe me, I have confronted individually, I have talked to them one on one, trying my best to do that in love, examining my own heart first...so this is not about gossip, wanting to make someone else look bad.
With one person I have struggled for at least a year to keep learning to forgive, have a heart of love...but now I wonder if I should be warning those around...especially now seeing some problems. One person is somewhat aware, I have warned. But others....are they in danger? How much?
With the other person, I gave up long ago. Now, just trying to learn strategies and have courage to prevent further pain.
What does Scripture say? What are the guiding principles? Is there hope? Only if and when THEY really see it. My experience so far is that they don't, even after years and years of the same thing. Is there a way of confronting and holding to a standard that speaks to these people more than others?
And, wow, whenever I think about something like this, I have got to ask myself...do I "do spin"? What are ways I might, even ever so slightly? Lord, reveal. Let nothing of the sort remain.
A Daily Prayer
God I arise today through a mighty strength, the blessing of the trinity,
God’s strength to pilot me,
God’s might to uphold me,
God’s wisdom to guide me.
Christ within me,
Christ before me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me.
God , I choose above all else to live this day with You.
I joyfully offer you my time, my attitudes, my energy, and
my words.
With your help I will fill this day with obedience,
gratitude, humility and a little pizzaz.
In Jesus’ Name
(adapted from St. Patrick’s Lorica prayer)
Priorities
Will you seek to make “life with God”
the most important
priority of your existence,
and will you die to any thing or sin
that would get
in its way?
Will you seize it like a drowning man
seizes a
life raft?
Will you make it a greater priority
than making money or being
healthy
or being beautiful or being liked?
or being beautiful or being liked?
John Ortberg, Sept. 10 sermon to introduce sermon series...entering into the "with God" life
REALLY Starting a Journey
Oh Thank You LORD! The one who was on my heart, the one I thought may be interested, she really was, was right in the process of seeking for something like this herself. It will be demanding, and awkward, and ...well I don't know what all it will be, but it will be good.
And maybe a couple of others are interested too....
So, October 1 we start. And now we're getting ready. The goal is transformation, in the presence of Jesus. And there is nothing I need more.
Nothing I need more.
Knowing God, seeing Him in all things, recognizing His presence throughout my days, and being changed by Him.
This is going to be hard.
I'm going to stumble and fall along the way.
But it just might ... change my life.
And change I DO want!
Joy = It’s good to be with you
He sits on my lap
happy and content
playing
chewing on the
colourful
beaded toy
looking around
but suddenly a look up
and back
and back
to check
to remember
that he is here with me
that he is not alone
And if we are here
together
then all is good
he doesn’t need
to be constantly entertained
to be constantly entertained
some interaction
now and then is good
but he just needs to know
we are here
together
I am here
sitting on Your lap
surrounded by Your arms
Your care
I am safe
I forget sometimes
I know I am in Your presence
I don’t need the constant reminders
constant affirmation
I just need to know You are here
and when I do
it’s okay
I am here
safe in this life
as I rest on You
in You
I may feel like I’m falling
I may feel unsafe
it might hurt
it might be hard
but I am carried
I am safe
I’m okay
You are watching
holding
aware
You won’t let me fall
Now and again I look over my shoulder
and up at You
and up at You
and am reassured of Your presence
here with me
and I am content
Written around August 26, 2012. Thanks Levi, for the chance to spend time with you, and for how much you teach me about life and God and so much that is good.
And where did the title of this post come from? In January this year I attended a seminar on The Immanuel Process (descriptions here and here). The process, though meant to lead us to healing, starts in the place of joy, and one description we learned of joy had to do with presence, that sense of being with someone else, especially with God, and "it's good to be with you". When we are with someone we love, someone who loves us, that is joy. Finally "joy" and how we can get to and have joy in spite of trial and hardship made sense to me. That day sitting there with Levi...reminded me. It was joy, for him, for me, joy and contentment and peace...
Written around August 26, 2012. Thanks Levi, for the chance to spend time with you, and for how much you teach me about life and God and so much that is good.
And where did the title of this post come from? In January this year I attended a seminar on The Immanuel Process (descriptions here and here). The process, though meant to lead us to healing, starts in the place of joy, and one description we learned of joy had to do with presence, that sense of being with someone else, especially with God, and "it's good to be with you". When we are with someone we love, someone who loves us, that is joy. Finally "joy" and how we can get to and have joy in spite of trial and hardship made sense to me. That day sitting there with Levi...reminded me. It was joy, for him, for me, joy and contentment and peace...
 |
| Levi's Mom and Dad--yeah, this is joy too! |
This streak
this streak
down the side of my cheek
it’s there
every time
I sit
and enter in
every time
I come and
sit here with You
sharing
what is really on my heart
the burdens
the heartache
it’s this season
it’s not depressing
or negative
or moping
it just hurts
and there are a lot of
unanswered questions
and unsure
resolutions
and so much yearning
and disappointments
hope
hurt
so much
and so the tears fall
when I’m with You
safe
here
sharing all that I am
all that You know
the me
that You know
and the You that I know
sees
hears
understands
holds
waits
and will be here tomorrow
whether the streak is here
or not
(written ~Aug. 28, 2012)
(written ~Aug. 28, 2012)
Crying out to You
Are You walking with me each day Lord? Even though I'm in a bit of a fog, and feel disconnected (amazing how the body affects the mind and emotions). But...was that You?
Sunday night or Monday morning I cried out for help--for energy and motivation, and Monday morning came that email from a friend, telling me she was praying for me, asking if there was anything else. And it gave a little bit of energy, and enthusiasm.
Tuesday night, after a tired and jet-lagged day, cried out for help again--need motivation to get into and back at work. Then in the night there was a dream. I woke remembering how, in the dream, I was explaining to a former teacher, someone distant from the work here, all that has happened, the students, etc...and it left me feeling that "yes, this is meaningful and worth doing".
Is that You, God? Are You here, gently, day by day, reminding and encouraging, in my weakness and confusion?
Oh I have seen You in past weeks, some very big ways, some very significant things (much 'drafted', but not yet posted here). And yet today, again, I need You, I need to know You near. Thank You for every little and big reminder.
Sunday night or Monday morning I cried out for help--for energy and motivation, and Monday morning came that email from a friend, telling me she was praying for me, asking if there was anything else. And it gave a little bit of energy, and enthusiasm.
Tuesday night, after a tired and jet-lagged day, cried out for help again--need motivation to get into and back at work. Then in the night there was a dream. I woke remembering how, in the dream, I was explaining to a former teacher, someone distant from the work here, all that has happened, the students, etc...and it left me feeling that "yes, this is meaningful and worth doing".
Is that You, God? Are You here, gently, day by day, reminding and encouraging, in my weakness and confusion?
Oh I have seen You in past weeks, some very big ways, some very significant things (much 'drafted', but not yet posted here). And yet today, again, I need You, I need to know You near. Thank You for every little and big reminder.
it just got personal
I just heard
a friend tested HIV positive
I was just about to write "a friend has AIDS"
but I guess it's not the same thing
I know it is not
shows how little I'm really connected to these diseases
how far away I've been
it's all been limited "head knowledge"
but that is about to change
a weird situation
I know before the patient
and before his wife
am part of the discussion about how to tell them
but what do I know?
HIV positive
I wonder what this will mean
for him
for his family
for the church
I wonder how he got it
how long he's had it
they will be wondering and asking all these questions
hopefully the doctor will tell them
with lots of answers
and lots of compassion
how many people will they tell
how will others react
what a blow
their lives will be forever changed
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
update: An initial test looked positive, another turned up negative, waiting for the official results from the disease control centre.
a friend tested HIV positive
I was just about to write "a friend has AIDS"
but I guess it's not the same thing
I know it is not
shows how little I'm really connected to these diseases
how far away I've been
it's all been limited "head knowledge"
but that is about to change
a weird situation
I know before the patient
and before his wife
am part of the discussion about how to tell them
but what do I know?
HIV positive
I wonder what this will mean
for him
for his family
for the church
I wonder how he got it
how long he's had it
they will be wondering and asking all these questions
hopefully the doctor will tell them
with lots of answers
and lots of compassion
how many people will they tell
how will others react
what a blow
their lives will be forever changed
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
update: An initial test looked positive, another turned up negative, waiting for the official results from the disease control centre.
a Franciscan blessing
May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers,
half truths and superficial relationships,
so that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice,
oppression and exploitation of people,
so that you make work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer
from pain rejection, starvation and war,
so that you may turn your hand to comfort them
and turn their pain to joy, and
May God bless you with enough foolishness
to believe that you can make a difference in this world,
so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.
Come Crawling
There she was
Desperate, needy
"if only I can touch Him"
She had tried everything else
All to no avail
Each time
Hope
Shattered
But still seeking
hoping
after 12 long years
this time it would be different
If only she could touch Him
I too come crawling
Seeking healing
Desperate
Don't dare to come too boldly
Not sure what I'd see in Your eyes
Or the eyes of others
If I came openly
Too afraid
Too ashamed
Yet
So needy
Nothing else has worked
And believe me, I've tried
I seek
A touch
A release from this misery
hoping
after several long years
that this time it will be different
(Luke 8)
Desperate, needy
"if only I can touch Him"
She had tried everything else
All to no avail
Each time
Hope
Shattered
But still seeking
hoping
after 12 long years
this time it would be different
If only she could touch Him
I too come crawling
Seeking healing
Desperate
Don't dare to come too boldly
Not sure what I'd see in Your eyes
Or the eyes of others
If I came openly
Too afraid
Too ashamed
Yet
So needy
Nothing else has worked
And believe me, I've tried
I seek
A touch
A release from this misery
hoping
after several long years
that this time it will be different
(Luke 8)
This river--16 years
I had not yet moved to this town
this county
when I first rode this river
marvelling at the bamboo
wondering
what was to be
I had no clue
what the move 2 months later would bring
wondered if I would survive
if I would be incredibly lonely
the contract was just for a year
I could survive that long
and leave afterwards
but I stayed
and stayed
and now 16 years have come and gone
I'm on the river again
16 years ago
on the river
surrounded by others
strangers, inviting me
to be friend and colleague
one especially who
opened the door and made a path
Now I am the host
surrounded again
by those invited
to be friends and colleagues
former strangers
now inviting others
Once again I am surrounded
and wonder
Where will they go from here
these students who are leaving
they're still making their plans
setting direction
and finding companions for the journey
they keep choosing one guy
To be the friend with whom they share
and challenge
and walk
looking for ways to really make it
and live a life of depth
and honour
a life worth emulating
And I wonder
where will we go from here
my colleagues and I
we're exhausted
we've run hard
worked hard
developed something
these past 3 years
the main parts
a complete 3-year program
all there now
But do we have what it takes to go forward?
the energy and heart, the passion
the skills
the commitment
I don't want to pour into a sieve
or a funnel
unless that is what it is supposed to be
this river
if we go on
there will be annual trips
celebrating with each group of grads that choose to
"lead yourself, lead others"
the last 16 years
passed in a blink
the next will too
but where this river will take me
how many times I'll re-visit
only God knows
Lord,
Creator of this river
You who know it's source
and where it goes
Lead my life
All my days
As I follow
and wonder
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