That's what it said--the huge ad on the side of a skyscraper in Bangkok. I did not get to try out a BMW to see if it brought joy, but imagined... Ah, driving a nice car--might be fun, but joy? uh...don't think so.
"A cup of happiness" said the gourmet coffee machine at McDonald's. Now that I did try. The coffee was okay, but happiness?
Nope, not what I'm looking for when I say I want JOY.
I want to
...wake up with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.
...live with a knowing that I am loved, even when trials and opposition comes.
...sing, at least in my heart, even while knowing there is evil all around.
...have conversations where I completely forget myself--where I am completely free to care for and love the other, and completely free to walk away unbound, regardless of their response.
It's an undaunted optimism.
It's a hope in God and His goodness, even when I cannot see.
It's a steadiness in knowing who I am, but not in the eyes of other people.
I want joy, sourced only in my God, to become deeply rooted in my soul, and become one of the main things I am known for. I am not there yet, but I want to go there.
Great Place to Spend a Day!
I was there about 8 hours. I was kind of tired at the beginning--hadn't eaten or had anything to drink for 9 hours--that means...no morning coffee! But after a while I started waking up. Once I could drink some juice, I think the sugar kicked in and I was alert enough to think and read. I did my daily Bible reading, caught up on yesterday's and today's. Did some journalling and pondering too. I was seated in the midst of the nations it seemed--so many differing modes of dress--mostly from Arabic nationalites and countries. For my last couple of hours, I was first in the bookstore (somehow it always feels good to buy a good book), then I meandered up the escalator to the food court where I enjoyed a chicken quesadilla while reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and let my mind ponder how we might become more successful at "stewardship delegation" in our office. The atmosphere was quiet and clean, with lots of green and open spaces--so conducive to a quiet soul and pondering. On the way out I picked up a low-fat grande latte from Starbucks, and I was on my way home.
Where was I having such a nice day? At the hospital, of course--Bumrungrad International. Now at how many hospitals would you say that after visiting for 8 hours?
Sometimes my prayer...
...is just a bunch of poured out fears. Sometimes there is pain, and I just lay there in bed, heart exposed, tears flowing...it doesn't even feel like "prayer." Sometimes it seems I don't even know how to pray anymore, or that I have forgotten to seriously pray for others for a very long time. Sometimes it seems like I'm constantly praying--I have been thinking through many things, consciously lifting up all thoughts and anticipating His coming answer...all afternoon, or all day. Sometimes my prayers flow more from my anxieties than from my faith--worry-driven prayer.
Anxiety-as-prayer--in a very real way, it does not honour Him. It does not trust. It does not recognize Him as someone who loves me, who cares, who has power to change things, and is interested in acting on my behalf in all ways good and true. Like the child who keeps asking mom or dad if they are really going to follow-through on their promises. If my kid acted like that--wow, that would hurt. Don't you know me by now? What kind of person am I? Do I just loosely say I will do something and then not follow-through?
Yet, while some of the heart of these prayers is not yet right, not yet pure, taking it to Him, is still the best thing to do. And, I believe He honours that. At least I am taking it to Him, and not somewhere else (oh, I do that too sometimes). At least in bringing it to Him, I am still engaged in this relationship, where I can be changed, and He can show me where the heart is not quite right.
In this sort of prayer, there is a belief that I am loved, and this does honour Him. I am loved beyond what I can imagine. This is the safest place. All the performing, all the trying...I don't have to do that here. I can be me, just as it is--in-process, somehow beautiful to Him--and be loved and accepted here.
And so I pray. I pray like this.
Anxiety-as-prayer--in a very real way, it does not honour Him. It does not trust. It does not recognize Him as someone who loves me, who cares, who has power to change things, and is interested in acting on my behalf in all ways good and true. Like the child who keeps asking mom or dad if they are really going to follow-through on their promises. If my kid acted like that--wow, that would hurt. Don't you know me by now? What kind of person am I? Do I just loosely say I will do something and then not follow-through?
Yet, while some of the heart of these prayers is not yet right, not yet pure, taking it to Him, is still the best thing to do. And, I believe He honours that. At least I am taking it to Him, and not somewhere else (oh, I do that too sometimes). At least in bringing it to Him, I am still engaged in this relationship, where I can be changed, and He can show me where the heart is not quite right.
In this sort of prayer, there is a belief that I am loved, and this does honour Him. I am loved beyond what I can imagine. This is the safest place. All the performing, all the trying...I don't have to do that here. I can be me, just as it is--in-process, somehow beautiful to Him--and be loved and accepted here.
And so I pray. I pray like this.
Forays of the Prodigal
Did he ever run away again?
After going so far
Living so low
Repenting so completely
Knowing such grace…
Did he ever leave again?
He never imagined he would
How could he want to?
That night at the banquet
He was a truly changed man
This mercy, this grace
He could only be thankful
But not too long after
He felt it again
Those same frustrations
Same temptations
He just had to leave
Oh, the forays were different now
Not as long
Not as far
Sometimes the distance was only emotional, inside
And the time gone
Each time became shorter
Sooner, he “came to his senses”
But one thing never changed
Always was his Father waiting there
Always he came running
Always were the arms wide open
Always was there complete forgiveness and grace
For he had always been
The beloved son
He had always been heir
Meant to live out the family name
It did take time though
To grow into the reality
A Prayer for Children
I saw this today, and wept...pray for the children (source listed at bottom).
A Prayer for Children
Lord of Life,
We pray for scampy children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
God of Compassion,
We pray for children
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who never play tag or go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
Loving Father,
We thank you for the children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.
And we hurt for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who don't have rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.
Gracious God, help us be gracious to children
who spend their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.
Almighty God, help us bring justice for those children
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything
Who have never seen dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being
Lord Jesus, we thank you that you are the One who welcomes children, may we do so as well
We pray for all children
Who want to be carried, who don’t want to be carried and for those who must,
We pray that we would never give up on any of them
And that you would gather them up,
Cuddle them like lost sheep
And release them to be your love, light, and salt in the world.
For we believe Lord in your kingdom – your playground
Where goodness is stronger than evil
Love is stronger than hate
Light is stronger than darkness
Truth is stronger than lies
We need not be afraid.
Lord of Life,
We pray for scampy children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
God of Compassion,
We pray for children
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who never play tag or go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
Loving Father,
We thank you for the children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.
And we hurt for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who don't have rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.
Gracious God, help us be gracious to children
who spend their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.
Almighty God, help us bring justice for those children
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything
Who have never seen dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being
Lord Jesus, we thank you that you are the One who welcomes children, may we do so as well
We pray for all children
Who want to be carried, who don’t want to be carried and for those who must,
We pray that we would never give up on any of them
And that you would gather them up,
Cuddle them like lost sheep
And release them to be your love, light, and salt in the world.
For we believe Lord in your kingdom – your playground
Where goodness is stronger than evil
Love is stronger than hate
Light is stronger than darkness
Truth is stronger than lies
We need not be afraid.
I saw this on Don Johnson's blog, originally from Jon Lemmond--both are pastors in California.
Preparing to Draw
And while I draw, may I relax, leave the worry...call it 'prayer drawing' or 'listening drawing'.
May my mind be free to be led by You, God. May the thoughts, ideas receive the time and space they need to mature, or ferment or ripen. Or maybe it is that I need the time and space to mature, ferment or ripen in the process. Do Your work in me, Good God.
Silence and Solitude
Today I am aiming for more solitude and silence, but not very sure what I am doing, not much sure what a "successful" result will be, what the final picture will look like. I'm taking my meals and eating alone--otherwise I will so easily and deeply engage with all the interesting people at the table. But...if it is solitude I want, what am I doing online, 'connecting' through the web? And what am I doing writing--sure, no audio, but voicing thoughts.
I hardly know what silence and solitude should look like, and my mind is so full of ideas and so easily distracted that it is hard work to get there. And, I'm not even sure what the result will be. But I am here. I will limit my internet use. And as for the result, I trust the words of those more experience than I.
In Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership Ruth Haley Barton says,
I hardly know what silence and solitude should look like, and my mind is so full of ideas and so easily distracted that it is hard work to get there. And, I'm not even sure what the result will be. But I am here. I will limit my internet use. And as for the result, I trust the words of those more experience than I.
In Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership Ruth Haley Barton says,
Solitude will do its good work whether we know what we are doing or not. One of the primary functions of solitude is to settle ourselves in God's presence. This is not easy and it takes time. But it is the answer to the heart cry that erupts when we have been distracted for too long by surface concerns. 'I have lost myself!' we cry. Solitude is the only way to find ourselves again. And the longer we have been lost to ourselves, caught up with external stimulation, the longer it takes to find our way home again. (p. 41)
...we need to be careful of ourselves and our expectations. Most of what happens in solitude is happening under the surface, and God is doing it. Just as most of what's happening in the ocean is under the surface and most of what's happening to a seed in winter is under the earth, so the most important stuff that is happening to the human soul in solitude is happening under the surface, where only God knows about it. (pp 41-42)
...solitude, that place where God is at work beyond what we are able to do for ourselves or would even know how to do for ourselves. (p. 43)
...we need to be careful of ourselves and our expectations. Most of what happens in solitude is happening under the surface, and God is doing it. Just as most of what's happening in the ocean is under the surface and most of what's happening to a seed in winter is under the earth, so the most important stuff that is happening to the human soul in solitude is happening under the surface, where only God knows about it. (pp 41-42)
...solitude, that place where God is at work beyond what we are able to do for ourselves or would even know how to do for ourselves. (p. 43)
So...I'm here LORD, it's an attempt at solitude...actually, this whole vacation time is a pulling away from the usual distractions, to settle myself in Your presence. Please, do Your work O God. Do something real, something needed, something real important...even if I am unaware.
What about you? Do you practise times of silence and solitude? What has been your experience? What kind of struggles did you have in the process? Rewards of the practise?
What about you? Do you practise times of silence and solitude? What has been your experience? What kind of struggles did you have in the process? Rewards of the practise?
Life as process (or art as a spiritual discipline)
As I was drawing, I had the same sense I had when I wrote Art... and Transformation. (That piece came while doing a simple line drawing last time I was on a silent retreat.)
Playing with the pastels today, I realized I should keep learning to draw, and perhaps especially with pastels, as a discipline to train myself to honour the beauty and value of process. The initial lines look real bad---even in the YouTube videos by the experts. The first underlying colours are hardly identifiable in the end. My problem was that the first time through I applied the underlying colour much too lightly. I was afraid the mess, the wrong colour would stand out too strong in the end, but that looked worse. It needed strong colour, so that later, when other shades were added, there was something to grab, pull in, and blend together. It is the process, layer upon layer, no one layer making much sense on its own, that eventually leads to the completed image.
What about the strong colour of certain life experiences? How does that part make sense? Maybe it was not supposed to...on its own. My personality, I am told, can be rather strong. So, I become so afraid, and hold back from being who I am. Untempered, unrefined, it looks too messy. Others do not understand and I pull back. But it IS being refined, it is not as messy as it used to be. And maybe, in the lives of others, my part is to add some of those strong bold lines that give definition, sharpen the focus, give a depth of meaning and create contrast. Another time, place, or circumstance will bring the softer colours, or the blending process.
What a country...
A woman was speaking in the massage shop beside the restaurant in which I was eating. Yeah, it looks like a good and legit massage shop...open for all the world to see--actually, you'd get a massage as you are looking onto a beach and ocean. Nice.
" {Thai language...something, something, something...} sex-EE! "
I looked over...who was saying what to whom? She was fingering through a small girl's hair--looked like it had just been washed. The girl looked to be 7 or 8.
"Sexy" --is that all a female thinks of being here?
Two days ago some of us were talking. I mentioned a statistic I had heard. Beyond all the foreigners coming here for the sex trade, it's pretty much a part of the local culture. Years ago I heard a CNN report that said 70% of Thai men lose their virginity to a prostitute. A woman who had worked in the country for many years made it clear that she thinks it is higher than that. Fathers take their sons to a prostitute for the 'first time', show them how to be with a woman.
So, little girl, you want to be "sex-EE".
Yeah...this could be an over-reaction, taking one little comment too far. However, knowing what happens with adults in families, today, looking at children, I couldn't help but imagine their futures...and then hope and pray for a DIFFERENT future for them.
" {Thai language...something, something, something...} sex-EE! "
I looked over...who was saying what to whom? She was fingering through a small girl's hair--looked like it had just been washed. The girl looked to be 7 or 8.
"Sexy" --is that all a female thinks of being here?
Two days ago some of us were talking. I mentioned a statistic I had heard. Beyond all the foreigners coming here for the sex trade, it's pretty much a part of the local culture. Years ago I heard a CNN report that said 70% of Thai men lose their virginity to a prostitute. A woman who had worked in the country for many years made it clear that she thinks it is higher than that. Fathers take their sons to a prostitute for the 'first time', show them how to be with a woman.
So, little girl, you want to be "sex-EE".
Yeah...this could be an over-reaction, taking one little comment too far. However, knowing what happens with adults in families, today, looking at children, I couldn't help but imagine their futures...and then hope and pray for a DIFFERENT future for them.
So Quick to Judge
It happened so fast
Just the other day
I had them both pegged
And judged
But I was so wrong
My judgement was sheer arrogance
So quickly viewing externals
And adding my own...
My own what?
And why?
Where does that come from?
Only from an ugly heart
Not a pure heart
Not a heart that sees the way You see
And yet maybe Your vision was there too
Because, very quickly I knew
I could see the thoughts were wrong
And there was an openness
To being proved wrong
And seeing another view
And a repentance
Lord, please cleanse me of this pride, this arrogance. It has really got to go.
Just the other day
I had them both pegged
And judged
But I was so wrong
My judgement was sheer arrogance
So quickly viewing externals
And adding my own...
My own what?
And why?
Where does that come from?
Only from an ugly heart
Not a pure heart
Not a heart that sees the way You see
And yet maybe Your vision was there too
Because, very quickly I knew
I could see the thoughts were wrong
And there was an openness
To being proved wrong
And seeing another view
And a repentance
Lord, please cleanse me of this pride, this arrogance. It has really got to go.
Twenty Years From Now
Well J.W., what a pleasure to have met you. You are an amazing woman. Down to earth, energetic, easily interacting with all ages. You can laugh, you can cry, and yet know there is an appropriate time for each. You gained my respect almost the first day I met you, and that wasn't even two weeks ago.
You're warm, and friendly, and yet could never be mushy or over-bearing about it. You know the pain of the world, of others, and I'm sure you've known your own--yet you bear it without complaining. There is a life to you, a spunk, an optimism, a joy, that has lasted through the years and challenges and transitions. No self-pity. No "oh look how I've served, struggled and suffered." No, none of that, "That wouldn't do now, would it?" (I can hear you saying those very words, your lovely British accent, even now as I write.)
You, my dear, have become for me another one who shows me how I want to live. Down the road, another twenty years from now (for you are about twenty years older than me), should the Lord grant me the years, I hope I will be like you in so many ways. Living in hope. Loving my God. Blessing the world.
And while you're certainly not "old" (definitely not!) you've added vision to my Old Lady Dreams...
Thank you. I hope we shall meet again in coming years.
You're warm, and friendly, and yet could never be mushy or over-bearing about it. You know the pain of the world, of others, and I'm sure you've known your own--yet you bear it without complaining. There is a life to you, a spunk, an optimism, a joy, that has lasted through the years and challenges and transitions. No self-pity. No "oh look how I've served, struggled and suffered." No, none of that, "That wouldn't do now, would it?" (I can hear you saying those very words, your lovely British accent, even now as I write.)
You, my dear, have become for me another one who shows me how I want to live. Down the road, another twenty years from now (for you are about twenty years older than me), should the Lord grant me the years, I hope I will be like you in so many ways. Living in hope. Loving my God. Blessing the world.
And while you're certainly not "old" (definitely not!) you've added vision to my Old Lady Dreams...
Thank you. I hope we shall meet again in coming years.
Healing Tears
They started to come
Last night
And then today
Some is grieving, processes not yet complete
Maybe I am just being a cry-baby
But, it is really okay
Here is the God who knows me
And He loves me
Oh how He loves me
Especially me
I can cry
confused
frustrated
hurt
lost
alone
misunderstood
complaining (hey, I didn't say it was all good!)
WHATEVER it is
I can cry it out to Him
He will help it all get sorted out
The thoughts
The feelings
It is safe here
Safe before Him
Funny, sometimes the tears are questioning Him
"How do we keep hope?"
"How do we believe?"
And at the same time...
He is the only One
Who has ever showed such a good way to live
Who loved me like this
He is my Hope
My only Hope
My only Refuge
Thank You LORD!
Last night
And then today
Some is grieving, processes not yet complete
Maybe I am just being a cry-baby
But, it is really okay
Here is the God who knows me
And He loves me
Oh how He loves me
Especially me
I can cry
confused
frustrated
hurt
lost
alone
misunderstood
complaining (hey, I didn't say it was all good!)
WHATEVER it is
I can cry it out to Him
He will help it all get sorted out
The thoughts
The feelings
It is safe here
Safe before Him
Funny, sometimes the tears are questioning Him
"How do we keep hope?"
"How do we believe?"
And at the same time...
He is the only One
Who has ever showed such a good way to live
Who loved me like this
He is my Hope
My only Hope
My only Refuge
Thank You LORD!
The Best Teacher
It is amazing really...I'm here seeking God and asking about so many things in my life. Listening... Thinking... Journalling... Reading... And as I pick up book after book, I find the themes intersect so well!
Granted, I CHOSE the books and brought them along, based on things I'm struggling with and wanting to learn. And I have asked God to lead and guide. The overlap between the "spiritual" and "business/practical" is wonderful. There really is not much difference. We are spiritual beings having physical and mortal experiences.
Granted, I CHOSE the books and brought them along, based on things I'm struggling with and wanting to learn. And I have asked God to lead and guide. The overlap between the "spiritual" and "business/practical" is wonderful. There really is not much difference. We are spiritual beings having physical and mortal experiences.
I still struggle to prioritize--to do the important and skip the other stuff. When it comes to delegating, I can get way too involved in all the details of the work of others, making it hard to focus on what I should be doing. Do I "micro-manage"? Oh, NO! I don't want to. But...how do you delegate and prioritize and manage in a way that works? What is stopping me and the team I lead from getting there? During this time, this is one area in which I am reading and seeking.
Here's how the learning happens:
Finally...
I'd been waiting for it, that moment... and on Saturday it finally happened--I noticed that the dark circles under my eyes had faded! YES!
(Revised note: Later in the month they were back. I did not always continue to rest as well as I had hoped.)
(Revised note: Later in the month they were back. I did not always continue to rest as well as I had hoped.)
Starting to Relax...
While I had feared I would have trouble STOPPING work, and in a sense I did, for the first few days (connecting with someone and a situation back home), now I fear I won't be able to pick it up.
There are a couple of things I really should do this week, but I really do not want to. I have budgeted--I should only work an average of 5 hours per week, but I do not even want to do that!! Maybe this is nothing new. Actually, there are certain types of work that I can easily put off any day, and there are other bits of my work that I would gladly do, any day.
So...it is that same old struggle...learning to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. And the same with what does NOT need to be done. I think it is called being responsible, and I am still trying to learn how.
But this post is titled "Starting to Relax". I have discovered that "not working" does not necessarily equal "relaxing". For the first week away my mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions and struggles. I was not sleeping well at night, and afternoon naps--I would feel tired and try to sleep, but sleep would not often come.
But now, yes, I am getting a good night's sleep each night, and sometimes an afternoon nap too. The furious questions in my mind are starting to subside. I am a little afraid of letting them all go...there are some that need answers, solutions, and decisions. Perhaps holding them more loosely is good though still.
There are a couple of things I really should do this week, but I really do not want to. I have budgeted--I should only work an average of 5 hours per week, but I do not even want to do that!! Maybe this is nothing new. Actually, there are certain types of work that I can easily put off any day, and there are other bits of my work that I would gladly do, any day.
So...it is that same old struggle...learning to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. And the same with what does NOT need to be done. I think it is called being responsible, and I am still trying to learn how.
But this post is titled "Starting to Relax". I have discovered that "not working" does not necessarily equal "relaxing". For the first week away my mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions and struggles. I was not sleeping well at night, and afternoon naps--I would feel tired and try to sleep, but sleep would not often come.
But now, yes, I am getting a good night's sleep each night, and sometimes an afternoon nap too. The furious questions in my mind are starting to subside. I am a little afraid of letting them all go...there are some that need answers, solutions, and decisions. Perhaps holding them more loosely is good though still.
Standing Strong
There are two kinds of standing
Both look so strong, until...
One stands after the crash, after the fall
after all has been revealed
all has been confessed.
This one stands after facing the truth of self, sin, and grace
Owning the self
Owning the sin
Receiving the grace
This one is a crawl through the mud
Bloodied and bruised this one comes
Desperate, needy, broken, humbled
This one stands in the Light where all is revealed
Where heads hang in shame
But this one receives a hand that reaches out
This one knows the One who lifts heads
And when this one stands again
He stands so strong, He stands so tall
Others might come...accusing
"I know what you did"
He smiles, sad, but can say, "I know" "Yes, I did"
And still stands strong
The other's standing looks strong
But is really so fragile
Based on pretense, hiding, a false image for others
A false image of self
It is a weary standing
Much effort made to make sure know one else knows
Much effort to keep self from not thinking,
not remembering,
not admitting
It is a fearful standing
For the moment someone else knows
We must deny
If they know, we are not safe
For we have no prodigal's God
We have no God of repentence, confession, grace
We reject the mud, the humility, the shame
We refuse to to stare in the face and say,
"Yes, this is me." "Yes, this is what I've done"
We reject the brokenness, so receive no healing
We think we are strong
so we stand
tall
strong
but oh so fragile
There are two kinds of standing
But only one is strong
Ode to a friend, still trying to get out of the mud, still learning to stand in the grace, but oh so courageous in the confession. In the end, you WILL stand strong my friend. And nothing will shake you.
My soul will find the rest it needs
This was the view in front of me on the beach this morning. Last night as the bus drove further and further...about 20 minutes where I was the last one on the bus...far from bustling cities... And then when I arrived, and saw the place, and my room. Ah. Thank you Lord. Peace and quiet. Clean. New. Welcoming. A place named after the verse (KJV) "...as he slept under a juniper tree...the Lord came and touched him..."
Yes, I am looking for a "touch" from the Lord.
I have been writing "I am here to meet with You" in my journal. And I wrote about being "disturbed". Yesterday, reading Daniel 9-10, I was reminded that an encounter with God, or even just an angel, can indeed be very disturbing--Daniel kept falling face down, and was left trembling with what he saw. But he also received strength, and was 3 times told, "you are very precious to God" (NLT). The disturbing, would be worth it, to gain the touch, and the strength, and being told "you are very precious to God".
Disturb me Lord. Thoroughly shake all those places that need to be destroyed, dismantled, uprooted. Disturb all wrong perceptions of you, or me or others. Disturb me for the things that disturb You. Do not let me leave here unchanged.
Here to Meet with God
"I have become convinced that the More that we are looking for is the transformation of our souls in the presence of God. It is what we want for ourselves and it is what we want for those we are leading."
--Ruth Haley Barton, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, p. 14
I am desperate.
I am disturbed.
I am here to meet with God.
I am beyond knowing how to fix myself.
I am beyond knowing how to improve.
I don't know if it's love when I think I'm helping someone.
I fear the lines between "care" and "control" have become blurred.
I have not yet figured out when to give advice and guide, or let them find the way themselves.
I do not want to continue to cause unnecessary pain.
I am disturbed that I do not know how to sit still in Your presence.
I am disturbed at how fragile is my sense of abiding in You and guiding others by Your guidance.
I am disturbed that I cannot tell why I am angry or if I have forgiven.
I am disturbed that I do not know many of my neighbours' names.
I am disturbed that I may be a toxic presence.
I am disturbed ... at just how disturbed I may be. (oh...I hear someone laughing)
I am desperate.
I am looking.
I want More, so I left what I had behind.
I am searching.
And so I am here.
I am here to meet with God.
The Place Between
In that place between
Slowly extracting from life
Last touches
Final wrap-ups
Slowly settling
Enjoying
Soon...
Much below will start to rise
Demanding attention long neglected
Demanding gently
Demanding violently
Then there will be wrestling
Wrestling gently
Wrestling violently
Wrestling to the insight
Wrestling to surrender
And to peace
And my soul will find rest
Be refreshed
in God
The journey into rest, into times of silence and solitude, is not necessarily an easy one, nor is it a quick one. It is a process. Just being "not at work" does not yet mean we are enterring into rest...for so much we take with us, and it needs time to settle. But...in time...
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