You called me
I followed
What a ride it's been
But I don't know what to do
With where I am now
These last weeks
Entering Jerusalem
So excited
Triumphant
Victorious
But then, the turning
You, captured
Tortured
Crucified
Dead
I thought my heart would break
I thought I would die
Wanted to die
All hope died
Despair
Darkness
The numbness was just barely setting in
When You came again
First the rumours
Then
Seeing You
Walking through walls
Speaking peace
Then
Disappearing
Jesus
Why do You disappear again
When we've just finally seen You?
Before
Daily in Your Presence
So sweet
All of us together
Now
You're alive
But You're not here
Why does it feel so empty?
What am I supposed to do?
Last night
Finally
Something to break the boredom
The tension
This waiting
Peter, (Ah, bless you Peter!)
Takes us fishing
A diversion
A distraction
Anything is welcome
I almost didn't mind
That we didn't catch anything
The fruitless labour
At least we were doing something
Something to take my mind off
The meaninglessness
The wondering
The uselessness
Of waiting
And suddenly
You show up
Couldn't You have come yesterday?
Or the day before?
No, today
And turn this uselessness
Into a great catch
But one we didn't need
Because
There You were
With the meal prepared
I ask
What's it all about?
What am I to do?
How do I endure this crazy uselessness?
I ask
But You...
Only look at me
Say nothing
I wait
Puzzled
Confused
Disappointed
Again
As You give me
Fish
And bread
That You have prepared
Not that I have caught
I realize
I know
You are asking me
To keep waiting
Trusting
Your provision
In time You will come
Give direction
Send us out
To change the world
That is the danger, and this is the message for me, isn't it Lord? The danger is...that I would jump into fruitless labour, just to "be doing something," glad to finally have direction and focus again. I sense You are starting to speak, lead me forward, but I heed this caution. Each step, each plan, only moving forward as it is led by You, directed by You... Thank You Jesus!
Turning to You
At the beginning of this new week
Still carrying weariness from the old
I'm tempted to feel
Discouraged
Defeated
Alone in the struggle
Before it has even begun
But I turn to You
You know my weariness
There is rest for that
You
Hold my life
Hold my days
You are more than able
To accomplish all the things
You want to do
In and through me
In this week
I need only to
Turn to You
Trust in You
Listen for Your voice
Obey Your call
Jesus
Be lifted up
In my life
This week
And teach me
To keep turning
Keep trusting
Keep following
You
Still carrying weariness from the old
I'm tempted to feel
Discouraged
Defeated
Alone in the struggle
Before it has even begun
But I turn to You
You know my weariness
There is rest for that
You
Hold my life
Hold my days
You are more than able
To accomplish all the things
You want to do
In and through me
In this week
I need only to
Turn to You
Trust in You
Listen for Your voice
Obey Your call
Jesus
Be lifted up
In my life
This week
And teach me
To keep turning
Keep trusting
Keep following
You
Earth Shakes
The earth is shaking
The ground is moving
Feels like things are about to happen
Are they?
After all this wrestling
Seeking and struggling
All this waiting
To find a way
To choose faith
And keep persisting in faith
What is it?
This strength that feels so weak
This finding that is still so seeking
This hope that still really sees no light
These tears of passion that feel like going crazy
These glimpses of dreams to come true
That are still not yet
Things are hard
But there are signs of hope
Dreams are coming true
Or might
I see the beginnings
Help is on the way, it seems
A friend‘s offering
God answering my cry with ideas
I bawled the other day, at one little email
One little line in a short email
I've been asking
Oh, I've been heard
Another offer of help yesterday
The strategic planning needed
Finally ideas starting to come
Next steps become more concrete
Maybe the 'old me' is finally coming back
When did it go, And how?
I know some of the answer, not all
I hope it stays
Strength renewed
Lessons learned
It's time to dig in
To prayer
Seeking
Listening
And doing this with others
Discerning together
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down,
that the mountains would tremble before you!
As when fire sets twigs ablaze
and causes water to boil,
come down to make your name known to your enemies
and cause the nations to quake before you!
For when you did awesome things that we did not expect,
you came down, and the mountains trembled before you.
Since ancient times no one has heard,
no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,
who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.
Isa. 64:1-4
The ground is moving
Feels like things are about to happen
Are they?
After all this wrestling
Seeking and struggling
All this waiting
To find a way
To choose faith
And keep persisting in faith
What is it?
This strength that feels so weak
This finding that is still so seeking
This hope that still really sees no light
These tears of passion that feel like going crazy
These glimpses of dreams to come true
That are still not yet
Things are hard
But there are signs of hope
Dreams are coming true
Or might
I see the beginnings
Help is on the way, it seems
A friend‘s offering
God answering my cry with ideas
I bawled the other day, at one little email
One little line in a short email
I've been asking
Oh, I've been heard
Another offer of help yesterday
The strategic planning needed
Finally ideas starting to come
Next steps become more concrete
Maybe the 'old me' is finally coming back
When did it go, And how?
I know some of the answer, not all
I hope it stays
Strength renewed
Lessons learned
It's time to dig in
To prayer
Seeking
Listening
And doing this with others
Discerning together
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down,
that the mountains would tremble before you!
As when fire sets twigs ablaze
and causes water to boil,
come down to make your name known to your enemies
and cause the nations to quake before you!
For when you did awesome things that we did not expect,
you came down, and the mountains trembled before you.
Since ancient times no one has heard,
no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,
who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.
Isa. 64:1-4
I Chose Vulnerable
I chose vulnerable
To be exposed
Open
I don't mind
I lose nothing really
The truth is what it is
And I don't mind if others can see
The cost I did not expect
Is how much it hurt
Me
After
For a time
Not because of anything negative coming back
Not someone else's wounding
But because it exposed
Me
To me
And I'm left here
Opened
More deeply aware
Of me
A more vulnerable me
To bring before my God
And others
To then live deeper
Before God
With others
To be exposed
Open
I don't mind
I lose nothing really
The truth is what it is
And I don't mind if others can see
The cost I did not expect
Is how much it hurt
Me
After
For a time
Not because of anything negative coming back
Not someone else's wounding
But because it exposed
Me
To me
And I'm left here
Opened
More deeply aware
Of me
A more vulnerable me
To bring before my God
And others
To then live deeper
Before God
With others
This Road
This road
This hard, long road
Terrain varies from day to day
Now and again
Glimpses of green, blue sky
Other times
Dry, desolate wasteland
Stretches on into infinity
At times I wonder
Is it the right path?
Where is the strength?
Will I make it to the end?
At times the path is bright
With laughter
And companions
Those stretches
Pass with ease
And joy
At times the path is walked
So alone
Yearning for companionship
Help to process
Your Presence
But darkness surrounds
But through it all
Your Presence guides
You are there
No, You are here
Whether I see You or not
Whether I feel You or not
Sometimes You are right beside me
Sharing, speaking clearly
Answering my every question
Sweet
At times You are behind me
I can't see Your face
But Your hand is on my shoulder
I know Your Presence
Steadying
At times I can't see You at all
And I weep
And long
And yearn
Sometimes near despair
My heart faints
Thinking You are not there
Yet cries out hoping
Knowing
You are
Because You have never forsaken
Those who trust
In Your unfailing love
At times I look back
With clarity
Seeing the times and the ways
You were there
You were here
Even when I didn't know
Couldn't feel
You sent help
In time
A word to encourage
A friend to share the load
Ideas, one after the other
Coordination of events
Or even external crisis
To get my thoughts of myself
Through it all
This long, hard road
You are here
Strengthen me Lord
To keep walking
I just need enough strength
And perspective
For today
And I need
Your Presence
This hard, long road
Terrain varies from day to day
Now and again
Glimpses of green, blue sky
Other times
Dry, desolate wasteland
Stretches on into infinity
At times I wonder
Is it the right path?
Where is the strength?
Will I make it to the end?
At times the path is bright
With laughter
And companions
Those stretches
Pass with ease
And joy
At times the path is walked
So alone
Yearning for companionship
Help to process
Your Presence
But darkness surrounds
But through it all
Your Presence guides
You are there
No, You are here
Whether I see You or not
Whether I feel You or not
Sometimes You are right beside me
Sharing, speaking clearly
Answering my every question
Sweet
At times You are behind me
I can't see Your face
But Your hand is on my shoulder
I know Your Presence
Steadying
At times I can't see You at all
And I weep
And long
And yearn
Sometimes near despair
My heart faints
Thinking You are not there
Yet cries out hoping
Knowing
You are
Because You have never forsaken
Those who trust
In Your unfailing love
At times I look back
With clarity
Seeing the times and the ways
You were there
You were here
Even when I didn't know
Couldn't feel
You sent help
In time
A word to encourage
A friend to share the load
Ideas, one after the other
Coordination of events
Or even external crisis
To get my thoughts of myself
Through it all
This long, hard road
You are here
Strengthen me Lord
To keep walking
I just need enough strength
And perspective
For today
And I need
Your Presence
Bringing it all
We weep today
Bringing it all before You
Our sister is dying
How do we help her?
Daily trips--food, and taking care of her needs
Please, grant her Your peace
How do we love our neighbours?
Change our hearts to love
And show us how
The man who walks the streets, digs through garbage
The woman, mentally unstable, after loss of husband
The woman with the sick child
The family who lost a daughter and will soon lose wife and mother
The neighbour who wants rice to feed sudden guests
Rice, or ginger, but we don't want to give
For those who are hurting Lord
Her grandma is ill
But "grandma" is the only "mother" and "father" she has known
Another, struggling, doesn't know what to do
But doesn't want to say what it is
The kids that love to be hugged
You like us, but "Do you like me?" and "Why?"
Those that are growing, changing
Those that are not
Guide them Lord
Draw their hearts to You
We so need Your wisdom
Throughout our days
It is harder
Than we can handle
We need You to teach us
To lead us
May we obey
Shine Your light on us
Fill us with Your light
And shine through us
As we brought it all
Tears flowed all around
These are the things on our hearts
More than we can bear
But we step in to the task
Lord, hear our cry
Strengthen our feeble knees
Bring Glory through our lives
Bringing it all before You
Our sister is dying
How do we help her?
Daily trips--food, and taking care of her needs
Please, grant her Your peace
How do we love our neighbours?
Change our hearts to love
And show us how
The man who walks the streets, digs through garbage
The woman, mentally unstable, after loss of husband
The woman with the sick child
The family who lost a daughter and will soon lose wife and mother
The neighbour who wants rice to feed sudden guests
Rice, or ginger, but we don't want to give
For those who are hurting Lord
Her grandma is ill
But "grandma" is the only "mother" and "father" she has known
Another, struggling, doesn't know what to do
But doesn't want to say what it is
The kids that love to be hugged
You like us, but "Do you like me?" and "Why?"
Those that are growing, changing
Those that are not
Guide them Lord
Draw their hearts to You
We so need Your wisdom
Throughout our days
It is harder
Than we can handle
We need You to teach us
To lead us
May we obey
Shine Your light on us
Fill us with Your light
And shine through us
As we brought it all
Tears flowed all around
These are the things on our hearts
More than we can bear
But we step in to the task
Lord, hear our cry
Strengthen our feeble knees
Bring Glory through our lives
Assessing 2013, Turning to 2014
There are just over two months left in 2013, and what have I done with it? What have I really done with this year, in light of what is most important?
The year started with a theme, and a word, well, a couple of words. "Today," and the idea of "living sacrifice." The focus was to daily come and offer myself to God and to do what was before me each day.
The car accident in February took it deeper, shook me to a deeper realization of its importance, and the ways I had neglected; in so many little ways, how much I waste. February also called me toward a new vision, via Isaiah 58.
I've focused in, and yet I've floundered. I've offered myself, then backed away.
Now, the 'flavour' it is taking is in the word "complete."
"Complete"--something I heard years ago, now comes again. It's about doing what it takes to complete that long-term task, but it's also about learning to "complete" my work each day. Funny, no, sad really--I realize, there was a blog post I started writing at the beginning of 2013, outlining the "different me" I wanted to see and be at the end of the year, but that one, is still in "drafts," I didn't complete it. I looked at it again--yes, there has been significant improvement in most things listed...and maybe that it is enough. I somehow thought there were other things to also be part of the goal.
Complete. Today. Living Sacrifice.
I'm convicted when I look at the reality of my life. I have messes all around me--piles of clutter, some is just junk. There are notes from sessions, student materials...not put away properly. There are books. For some, there is place to put them, just haven't done it. For some, it's a matter of taking the time to make the proper place. So many times I do the things that are naturally exciting, that pull me in, yet neglect some of the basic faithfulness. These things I used to see as physical problems, but I'm starting to see them as affecting the spiritual as well, part of the "everything that hinders" (Heb. 12:1) that needs to be thrown off.
Oh, yes, I have improved in some areas--building better rhythms for getting the exercise, doing the cooking and getting the sleep for physical health, and that IS progress. But there are current responsibilities, overdue past ones, and ones looking to the future that must be addressed. And these piles of junk!
I've started. I've been working on it--my daily "completed" list--including both work and personal, things needed for physical, spiritual and emotional renewal. (Yes, that I've learned to measure all of these is also improvement--for a long time I only measured "work" as valuable.)
Overall, in 2013, I've not done as well as I could in following and being faithful to what I felt God was calling me to this year. Time and again I've come, but...can I dig in again now? There are still two months left in this year. Two months.
I'd like to focus in again, in these two months.
I'd like to work on habits of doing and completing the things that matter.
This includes:
I'm not going to be able to do this on my own, but I think I know who I can call on to help me flesh this out, not back away, complete.
By the end of 2013 may I be more free of entanglements, more ready, free and focused for making the decisions, and turning to the new tasks and the new direction in 2014 and beyond. And may I be more in swing with the rhythms (personally and with others), that support the completion of the bigger task.
Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Ps. 90:12, NIV
The car accident in February took it deeper, shook me to a deeper realization of its importance, and the ways I had neglected; in so many little ways, how much I waste. February also called me toward a new vision, via Isaiah 58.
I've focused in, and yet I've floundered. I've offered myself, then backed away.
Now, the 'flavour' it is taking is in the word "complete."
"Complete"--something I heard years ago, now comes again. It's about doing what it takes to complete that long-term task, but it's also about learning to "complete" my work each day. Funny, no, sad really--I realize, there was a blog post I started writing at the beginning of 2013, outlining the "different me" I wanted to see and be at the end of the year, but that one, is still in "drafts," I didn't complete it. I looked at it again--yes, there has been significant improvement in most things listed...and maybe that it is enough. I somehow thought there were other things to also be part of the goal.
Complete. Today. Living Sacrifice.
I'm convicted when I look at the reality of my life. I have messes all around me--piles of clutter, some is just junk. There are notes from sessions, student materials...not put away properly. There are books. For some, there is place to put them, just haven't done it. For some, it's a matter of taking the time to make the proper place. So many times I do the things that are naturally exciting, that pull me in, yet neglect some of the basic faithfulness. These things I used to see as physical problems, but I'm starting to see them as affecting the spiritual as well, part of the "everything that hinders" (Heb. 12:1) that needs to be thrown off.
Oh, yes, I have improved in some areas--building better rhythms for getting the exercise, doing the cooking and getting the sleep for physical health, and that IS progress. But there are current responsibilities, overdue past ones, and ones looking to the future that must be addressed. And these piles of junk!
I've started. I've been working on it--my daily "completed" list--including both work and personal, things needed for physical, spiritual and emotional renewal. (Yes, that I've learned to measure all of these is also improvement--for a long time I only measured "work" as valuable.)
Overall, in 2013, I've not done as well as I could in following and being faithful to what I felt God was calling me to this year. Time and again I've come, but...can I dig in again now? There are still two months left in this year. Two months.
I'd like to focus in again, in these two months.
I'd like to work on habits of doing and completing the things that matter.
This includes:
- Daily setting goals for the next day. Doing all I can to complete.
- To learn to love completing, not just starting new things.
- Continuing in areas where I have built better rhythm--exercise, cooking--eating more vegetables.
- Chipping away at the big tasks and the little tasks--at least "completing" a period of time on it, rather than putting it off indefinitely. This includes the personal, i.e. House stuff (de-junking, organization, repairs), and work i.e. filing, planning, web-update.
- Recover focussed morning worship and prayer--the road ahead will need way more diligence, deeper and more rigorous faith. I can bring to God all my emotions, by I cannot let them rule time and tasks. Other distractions, also put aside!
- Spend time working toward the next "big" complete--seeking, building the team of advisors, asking for wisdom, gaining the direction, to set a plan...and I sense that may be the focus in 2014 (but I'll wait until the end of December to finalize).
I'm not going to be able to do this on my own, but I think I know who I can call on to help me flesh this out, not back away, complete.
By the end of 2013 may I be more free of entanglements, more ready, free and focused for making the decisions, and turning to the new tasks and the new direction in 2014 and beyond. And may I be more in swing with the rhythms (personally and with others), that support the completion of the bigger task.
Soli Deo gloria
Everyone needs a Goose
I bought broccoli today
"Yep," I told her, "you can buy it here now."
And she said she's glad we couldn't buy it here then
Back in 2004
We're both thankful
She's an amazing Goose
I'm so thankful for her
We weren't really 'destined' to be close
This sister and I
Farthest distance age between siblings
And personalities as far as the stars
By the time she was more than a child
10,000 miles and an ocean also came between us
Sure there was love
But more distance
Her feeling the pressure
Me probably wondering how I was giving it
I just wanted to encourage
But somehow she came here
After those irritating "why's" rescued her :o)
And walked with me through one of the darkest seasons
And in that time
...The broccoli incident
"The broccoli incident"
Me, at my worst
Both of us broken, hurting
Vulnerable
Her, trying to explain the hurt
Me, trying to stop hurting her
I don't know how it happened actually
Why the resolving of that one
Brought us close
All over broccoli
She is a treasure, this Goose
A wise woman
Living out grace and love
As wife and mother
She says I am strong
Those parts of me that once caused her pain
(Still do now and again)
She ... almost commands me to live them out
The best parts of me
Don't deny them
Don't let anyone get in the way
Of living out the best in you
I remember the first time she did it
Challenged my view about myself
"When I hear you talk about how others see you,
You sound grateful that they even put up with you.
But when I hear others talk about you,
It's about how you have inspired and encouraged them."
It's ironic
I'm the one with the "strong personality"
But much in me chooses again and again
to crawl in a cave
and hide it all
Afraid I will be too much
Only the greatest need
And much coaxing
Call me to finally boldly live
She's the gentle one, the soft one
And yet she boldly lives out who she is
And challenges me to do the same
Everyone should be blessed with a Goose in their life!
Someone who loves you
As you are
Someone who makes you stay
Even when you're hurting them
"I want us to work through this together"
Goose, Hun, Sisto
You have become one of the safest places
A place I know I'm truly loved
And so
We stay together
And can keep going together
And I am so darn blessed!
Emmaus Road
Jesus,
Just as You were with them
So I ask You to be with me
Just as they told You all
Their hopes...dashed
Their saddness
Disappointment
Confusion
So I bring it all to You
Now, and forever
Continually
In this dialogue
On this journey
Just as You came
Gently explained
How it all fit together
At the right time
Just as You
Revealed Yourself to them
Truly the One they hoped You were
Truly the Messiah, Saviour, Deliverer
Come and show me
Who You are
How my life fits
Thank You that You have already
Last week
Images of
The journey
The well
The fire
The word: Finish, complete, 完成
And today, more clarity
Reminders and help come
At just the right time
You have come and showed again
You are
Strengthening my feet
Guiding each step
Lighting the path
Giving Insight
Showing that You truly are
Sufficient provider
Present
Even when I don't know You are
Jesus,
Can we stay on this road
Together walking
Sharing the journey
Me, bringing...all of me
You, teaching
Revealing
Your Presence
You ... near
Just as You were with them
So I ask You to be with me
Just as they told You all
Their hopes...dashed
Their saddness
Disappointment
Confusion
So I bring it all to You
Now, and forever
Continually
In this dialogue
On this journey
Just as You came
Gently explained
How it all fit together
At the right time
Just as You
Revealed Yourself to them
Truly the One they hoped You were
Truly the Messiah, Saviour, Deliverer
Come and show me
Who You are
How my life fits
Thank You that You have already
Last week
Images of
The journey
The well
The fire
The word: Finish, complete, 完成
And today, more clarity
Reminders and help come
At just the right time
You have come and showed again
You are
Strengthening my feet
Guiding each step
Lighting the path
Giving Insight
Showing that You truly are
Sufficient provider
Present
Even when I don't know You are
Jesus,
Can we stay on this road
Together walking
Sharing the journey
Me, bringing...all of me
You, teaching
Revealing
Your Presence
You ... near
Show me Your glory
(Ex. 33:13-18)
I've listened, and re-listened, these days, to a message by Sunder Krishnan, from a series I've heard many times before, parts of the series I first heard 20 years ago...truths, "gyroscopes" for the soul. This message, first heard eight years ago. Something resonates...
Moses is a man burning with passion and vision, enough to kill a man, thinking himself deliverer. But it didn't work, he ran, by the time he reaches the well....it had all leaked out. Years later...married, with children, just living. The passion and vision long gone.
But God comes, God still has a vision. God still has passion for things He wants to accomplish.
The burning bush, the fuel-less fire. The fire that didn't need any external fuel to burn. How do we live led by that fuel-less fire? If we go on our own strength we will get burnt out, exhausted, no more passion, as Moses was.
God, have I pursued "success" and "methods" over "Presence"? Is Your glory evident through what is being done? What happens to turn watchers into worshipers?
Oh God
"...Teach me your ways so I may know You...
If your Presence does not go with [me]," I don't want to go forward; it's useless.
"Remember," it was You that started all of this in the first place, it is Your thing
Oh God, "Show me Your glory..." Teach me to live in Your Presence, fueled by You, energized by You, not running, spent, on my own efforts.
Jesus is Risen. Jesus is Risen Indeed. Alleluia!
Resurrection
Life
Light
Joy
Power
Overcoming
For the next four weeks in the journey, the grace for which I'm asking is:
May I reach deeper, know greater strength, greater joy.
Life
Light
Joy
Power
Overcoming
For the next four weeks in the journey, the grace for which I'm asking is:
The ability to rejoice and be intensely glad
because of the great glory and joy of Jesus,
my risen Lord.
Oh, how I need this Lord, now, and forever. This is the life to which You have called us. Sometimes I've tasted it. Sometimes I've lived it. But oh how I need this more! Work something deep in me, please Lord, over these next four weeks. Help me to really know and live Your resurrected life, as you want me to, for Your glory.
And it reminds me of this passage, this is also my prayer for myself, and my friends on the journey:
I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.
Eph. 1:17-21, NIV
Epic wrestle
What a battle, what a wrestle, Lord.
What is going on?
Is this wind and storm that will strengthen me?
Are roots growing deeper and stronger?
Or have I lost all perspective?
Am I falling completely apart?
From this side--the two feel about the same.
From where come these waves of discouragement?
Over the past few months, several times,
Waves upon waves that just hammer
And wear down
I haven't yet learned a method for quick recovery
All I can do is ride them out
Feel the battering
Crawl to my feet again.
So today, this morning I come again.
Last time, You did come and steady my heart
Thank You
So today
With all these uncertainties
Landlord negotiation, and the hopeless feel to it
Changes at the school
Finding staff
Planning not yet done
This lack of motivation
And all the other things in which I'm behind
All the other things I'm thinking, feeling
(hmmm...being sick, yeah, that affects too I guess)
Lord, I cry out to You again.
I listen over and over to "Faithful" (S.C.C.)
Actually I've be scrambling, searching for songs
Anything that will speak to my heart
And pull me on...
I ask You for
Comfort
Peace
Hope
Perspective that surpasses all of this
And Lord, remind me again of Your love and care for me...
Oh God...
What is going on?
Is this wind and storm that will strengthen me?
Are roots growing deeper and stronger?
Or have I lost all perspective?
Am I falling completely apart?
From this side--the two feel about the same.
From where come these waves of discouragement?
Over the past few months, several times,
Waves upon waves that just hammer
And wear down
I haven't yet learned a method for quick recovery
All I can do is ride them out
Feel the battering
Crawl to my feet again.
So today, this morning I come again.
Last time, You did come and steady my heart
Thank You
So today
With all these uncertainties
Landlord negotiation, and the hopeless feel to it
Changes at the school
Finding staff
Planning not yet done
This lack of motivation
And all the other things in which I'm behind
All the other things I'm thinking, feeling
(hmmm...being sick, yeah, that affects too I guess)
Lord, I cry out to You again.
I listen over and over to "Faithful" (S.C.C.)
Actually I've be scrambling, searching for songs
Anything that will speak to my heart
And pull me on...
I ask You for
Comfort
Peace
Hope
Perspective that surpasses all of this
And Lord, remind me again of Your love and care for me...
Oh God...
Steady My Heart
At the beginning of this new day, I'm so tempted to panic. Already so
behind, already not sure of how to meet the demands of keeping up, and
now new huge obstacles. No, they aren't "new," we've had one of these
before, but maybe that's why it scares me--I already know how hard this one is. But this time lots of other complicating factors too. Oh, Lord, when will it end?
I used to come to You crying out for miracles, somehow hoping and believing You could and You would, or You might somehow just make it all go away. I still believe You could, but I don't believe You are likely to do so. Though that would make life easier for me, I'm coming to believe, Your highest goal is not making my life easy. More likely You're going to ask me to suck it up, quit complaining, dig in, learn and grow through this. Probably there are new nuggets of wisdom and insight to be gained in the process. Maybe I'll discover or develop abilities I didn't know I had. Maybe others will come along to help. Maybe, in weakness and trial You will produce more of Your fruit in my life--joy, patience, love...
And all this sounds good and beautiful, in theory, but honestly, nothing in me wants it today!
Nothing. Yet even as I write that, I know it's not absolutely nothing. There must be one small part, maybe 1/1000 of me, that wants You to do what You want to do, and hopes I'll make it through until then.
I thought of the song Kari Jobi sings, Steady My Heart. I'm trying to tell myself...
God, help me to believe in Your goodness today, to know and believe that You do love me, You do care, You are good and are working out everything for good. To believe that no matter what happens, no matter how it smacks, You will work it all out for good in the end.
(and at the end of the day, thank You that You did)
I used to come to You crying out for miracles, somehow hoping and believing You could and You would, or You might somehow just make it all go away. I still believe You could, but I don't believe You are likely to do so. Though that would make life easier for me, I'm coming to believe, Your highest goal is not making my life easy. More likely You're going to ask me to suck it up, quit complaining, dig in, learn and grow through this. Probably there are new nuggets of wisdom and insight to be gained in the process. Maybe I'll discover or develop abilities I didn't know I had. Maybe others will come along to help. Maybe, in weakness and trial You will produce more of Your fruit in my life--joy, patience, love...
And all this sounds good and beautiful, in theory, but honestly, nothing in me wants it today!
Nothing. Yet even as I write that, I know it's not absolutely nothing. There must be one small part, maybe 1/1000 of me, that wants You to do what You want to do, and hopes I'll make it through until then.
I thought of the song Kari Jobi sings, Steady My Heart. I'm trying to tell myself...
Each and every moment,Somehow I don't want to receive this truth. Somehow I wish that trusting Your love for me means: easy, safety, smooth sailing.
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way You plan
God, help me to believe in Your goodness today, to know and believe that You do love me, You do care, You are good and are working out everything for good. To believe that no matter what happens, no matter how it smacks, You will work it all out for good in the end.
Even when it hurtsSo I can choose...to let the panic overtake, and in the face of all this "so much to do" actually waste a day and do nothing to even chip away at it. Or, I can choose, to cling to truth, to trust You, to let You steady my heart, and then get up and do what I need to do.
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
I'm not gonna worryOh God, please, steady my heart...
I know that you've got me
Right inside the palm of Your hand
(and at the end of the day, thank You that You did)
In the Tomb
Here I sit, in the tomb, before Your broken body. I'm so glad it's over--Your suffering, Your pain--finally, at an end. And I'm glad I don't have to watch You in it anymore either. Don't know how much more I could take, knowing it is good and right and necessary, and yet so horrible and evil all at the same time.
Thank You Jesus, for doing this for me. I'm sorry that You had to. Thank You, too, that in two days You WILL rise, You will come and show us all that death is a reality, but that You are stronger. Because of You, all other death, has lost its sting.
I've watched You these days, but earlier, not closely enough. I still didn't know, hadn't fully grasped, Who You are, what You had come to do, that all along You have been trying to show me how to live. In this last week especially, I've been amazed at You, in the face of incredible hardship and suffering. Oh how You love. Oh how You are so focussed on others. Even in pain, even while being whipped, even while struggling to breathe and the spasms wracking your body, You are caring for others, loving them. I...would be so self-absorbed at that time. I...often am so self-absorbed.
Where did You get Your strength? How did You know Your Father close, when You couldn't see Him? How did love those who used You, manipulated You? How did you bear up under the disappointment? How did You keep Your eyes fixed, Your heart set, Your will committed, to what was most important?
Please, teach me how to live--to live by Your strength, to live close to the Father I cannot see, to not waver in my determination to finish. Please, by Your Spirit, pour out Your love into my heart, that I might love those entrusted to me...as You do, to the end, regardless of what I am going through.
Jesus, teach me how to live, but teach me how to die. Teach me how to live this life a living-death, and be okay with it, not forever wrestling to be free, wishing for some other circumstances, trusting my Father's will, at peace...until this death, this dying, has done all it was meant to do.
Thank You Jesus, for doing this for me. I'm sorry that You had to. Thank You, too, that in two days You WILL rise, You will come and show us all that death is a reality, but that You are stronger. Because of You, all other death, has lost its sting.
I've watched You these days, but earlier, not closely enough. I still didn't know, hadn't fully grasped, Who You are, what You had come to do, that all along You have been trying to show me how to live. In this last week especially, I've been amazed at You, in the face of incredible hardship and suffering. Oh how You love. Oh how You are so focussed on others. Even in pain, even while being whipped, even while struggling to breathe and the spasms wracking your body, You are caring for others, loving them. I...would be so self-absorbed at that time. I...often am so self-absorbed.
Where did You get Your strength? How did You know Your Father close, when You couldn't see Him? How did love those who used You, manipulated You? How did you bear up under the disappointment? How did You keep Your eyes fixed, Your heart set, Your will committed, to what was most important?
Please, teach me how to live--to live by Your strength, to live close to the Father I cannot see, to not waver in my determination to finish. Please, by Your Spirit, pour out Your love into my heart, that I might love those entrusted to me...as You do, to the end, regardless of what I am going through.
Jesus, teach me how to live, but teach me how to die. Teach me how to live this life a living-death, and be okay with it, not forever wrestling to be free, wishing for some other circumstances, trusting my Father's will, at peace...until this death, this dying, has done all it was meant to do.
My Call
I need regular reminders
of my call to faithfulness, not to success.
How
easily I forget what's important.
I still have some major unlearning to
do
about identity, results, and ministry.
I am not defined by what I
do,
but by who I am.
Or, more importantly, to whom I belong.
J.R. Briggs, quoted in "Among the Successful Failures"
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