I used to come to You crying out for miracles, somehow hoping and believing You could and You would, or You might somehow just make it all go away. I still believe You could, but I don't believe You are likely to do so. Though that would make life easier for me, I'm coming to believe, Your highest goal is not making my life easy. More likely You're going to ask me to suck it up, quit complaining, dig in, learn and grow through this. Probably there are new nuggets of wisdom and insight to be gained in the process. Maybe I'll discover or develop abilities I didn't know I had. Maybe others will come along to help. Maybe, in weakness and trial You will produce more of Your fruit in my life--joy, patience, love...
And all this sounds good and beautiful, in theory, but honestly, nothing in me wants it today!
Nothing. Yet even as I write that, I know it's not absolutely nothing. There must be one small part, maybe 1/1000 of me, that wants You to do what You want to do, and hopes I'll make it through until then.
I thought of the song Kari Jobi sings, Steady My Heart. I'm trying to tell myself...
Each and every moment,Somehow I don't want to receive this truth. Somehow I wish that trusting Your love for me means: easy, safety, smooth sailing.
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way You plan
God, help me to believe in Your goodness today, to know and believe that You do love me, You do care, You are good and are working out everything for good. To believe that no matter what happens, no matter how it smacks, You will work it all out for good in the end.
Even when it hurtsSo I can choose...to let the panic overtake, and in the face of all this "so much to do" actually waste a day and do nothing to even chip away at it. Or, I can choose, to cling to truth, to trust You, to let You steady my heart, and then get up and do what I need to do.
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
I'm not gonna worryOh God, please, steady my heart...
I know that you've got me
Right inside the palm of Your hand
(and at the end of the day, thank You that You did)