What a wait...

You called me
I followed
What a ride it's been
But I don't know what to do
With where I am now

These last weeks
Entering Jerusalem
So excited
Triumphant
Victorious

But then, the turning
You, captured
Tortured
Crucified
Dead
I thought my heart would break
I thought I would die
Wanted to die

All hope died
Despair
Darkness

The numbness was just barely setting in
When You came again
First the rumours
Then
Seeing You
Walking through walls
Speaking peace
Then
Disappearing

Jesus
Why do You disappear again
When we've just finally seen You?

Before
Daily in Your Presence
So sweet
All of us together
Now
You're alive
But You're not here
Why does it feel so empty?
What am I supposed to do?

Last night
Finally
Something to break the boredom
The tension
This waiting
Peter, (Ah, bless you Peter!)
Takes us fishing

A diversion
A distraction
Anything is welcome
I almost didn't mind
That we didn't catch anything
The fruitless labour
At least we were doing something
Something to take my mind off
The meaninglessness
The wondering
The uselessness
Of waiting

And suddenly
You show up
Couldn't You have come yesterday?
Or the day before?
No, today
And turn this uselessness
Into a great catch
But one we didn't need
Because
There You were
With the meal prepared

I ask
What's it all about?
What am I to do?
How do I endure this crazy uselessness?
I ask
But You...
Only look at me
Say nothing

I wait
Puzzled
Confused
Disappointed
Again

As You give me
Fish
And bread
That You have prepared
Not that I have caught
I realize
I know
You are asking me
To keep waiting
Trusting
Your provision

In time You will come
Give direction
Send us out
To change the world


That is the danger, and this is the message for me, isn't it Lord? The danger is...that I would jump into fruitless labour, just to "be doing something," glad to finally have direction and focus again. I sense You are starting to speak, lead me forward, but I heed this caution. Each step, each plan, only moving forward as it is led by You, directed by You...  Thank You Jesus!

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