I wanted to come home to a quiet evening
I needed to spend quiet time reflecting, and reading, and catching up on some emails
Well, it was good to connect with my roommate
Some pretty funny comments and spontaneous moments in there
And yet there was lots of needless chatter
My soul longs for quiet
But my mouth just won't pull it off
Engaging is good
Yet, maybe it could have been different
Could it have been more quiet?
Could there have been more listening, more reflection?
Would me soul be more at ease now...?
How to live
in silence
and in connection
I want to learn more silent, withing the conversation
Father...reveal my heart
Grow a listener
A learner
A quiet one
Weep for the Lack
So many other guys have girlfriends, I really want to have a girlfriend too.
I'm lonely on weekends, ever since I hurt my friend--we don't talk much since then.
They don't think about how I feel, don't consider what I gave, I think they're just selfish.
So many things he wanted to talk about, burdening him down. I'm so glad he did, and it was a great conversation--talking about how we let other people know how we feel, apologize when we've done wrong, evaluate why we might want to be in a relationship.
I cried after he left though. I just feel bad for him, wish he didn't have to wait until high school, to get here and have to talk to me about this stuff. I cried for his lack!
These are questions a guy should have been talking with his parents on and off again, over and over again, over the years growing up. They are the ordinary questions of growing up, learning to live, learning to make things right with others, learning to apologize, or let others know when they've hurt you, etc. But who has instructed him?
And then the other painful part...family.
Other students ask me about my dad. I don't know what to say. I say he's away.
My mom...came home at spring festival...she's lost a lot of hair, has way more wrinkles...and she brought a man with her, I don't like the way the people in the village talk about this...
...only cried once since dad died (abt 10 years ago), that was last term when mom was about to have surgery.
Did no one reach out to this guy and give him opportunities to grieve after his dad died? Well, can't blame anyone else, they didn't know either, but...
Now, in grade 11 he wants to talk, wants to know what to do about these. I love his heart, that he wants to learn.
Tonight he plans to make an appointment to get together with his friend. He'll put away 'face' and apologize later in the week, and hopefully regain a friend. He's learning the skills. (Skills I'm still working on myself.)
I just hurt that he hasn't had parents to walk this with him, that he has to try so hard to be strong. (His sister--oh, I can't say for sure, but I think her 'trying to be strong' is in her over the top exuberance. Ah...)
I love this part of the work I do, the one-on-one walking with students. But I wonder...if it had been me...oh...
I'm lonely on weekends, ever since I hurt my friend--we don't talk much since then.
They don't think about how I feel, don't consider what I gave, I think they're just selfish.
So many things he wanted to talk about, burdening him down. I'm so glad he did, and it was a great conversation--talking about how we let other people know how we feel, apologize when we've done wrong, evaluate why we might want to be in a relationship.
I cried after he left though. I just feel bad for him, wish he didn't have to wait until high school, to get here and have to talk to me about this stuff. I cried for his lack!
These are questions a guy should have been talking with his parents on and off again, over and over again, over the years growing up. They are the ordinary questions of growing up, learning to live, learning to make things right with others, learning to apologize, or let others know when they've hurt you, etc. But who has instructed him?
And then the other painful part...family.
Other students ask me about my dad. I don't know what to say. I say he's away.
My mom...came home at spring festival...she's lost a lot of hair, has way more wrinkles...and she brought a man with her, I don't like the way the people in the village talk about this...
...only cried once since dad died (abt 10 years ago), that was last term when mom was about to have surgery.
Did no one reach out to this guy and give him opportunities to grieve after his dad died? Well, can't blame anyone else, they didn't know either, but...
Now, in grade 11 he wants to talk, wants to know what to do about these. I love his heart, that he wants to learn.
Tonight he plans to make an appointment to get together with his friend. He'll put away 'face' and apologize later in the week, and hopefully regain a friend. He's learning the skills. (Skills I'm still working on myself.)
I just hurt that he hasn't had parents to walk this with him, that he has to try so hard to be strong. (His sister--oh, I can't say for sure, but I think her 'trying to be strong' is in her over the top exuberance. Ah...)
I love this part of the work I do, the one-on-one walking with students. But I wonder...if it had been me...oh...
It's ALL plus
So I started the Journey yesterday, Journey with Jesus.
I didn't get through the exercises this morning. My roommate had to knock on my door to get me up for prayer time...I WAS in bed by midnight last night, which was very good, but didn't sleep for a long time...not used to it yet I guess.
So the exercises...I didn't get through them this morning. And I didn't do the full examen today at noon. And I realized that yesterday I didn't pray the examen quite right--I focussed on a couple of the important questions, but missed some important parts.
But it's really okay, because on this journey, everything is a great big PLUS. All that I do, that I'm learning to do, is directing me to Jesus, drawing me to Him.
When I answered the question "When and how did you feel the love of God today?" It wasn't too nice to confess that...I hadn't. But if I hadn't, now I'm aware that I have been missing it, and I can ask. Oh Lord, help me to see. Today when I asked myself...one answer: that I'm still here, that He still loves me, that He still gives another day, more chances. Last night reflecting on the grace I'm asking for at this time--growing awareness of the love of God--at one point I thought, "but, oh Lord, I can't just ask for me." It felt like this could all get so selfish--just praying and seeking about what's in my heart and my relationship with God...but I must also ask for others. But that's just it, isn't it? An awareness of the love of God for me WILL lead me to think of others. His love just works that way.
So, even while I'm not getting the steps quite right, and my time and my schedule are not yet where they are supposed to be, it's all a plus...all that I do, do, every moment turned toward Him, with Him, learning to live in His presence, is good.
Tonight I know to do the part about asking Him to make me aware of my sin in the examen. Yeah...well there are some I'm already aware of...some already apologized for and confessed today. It seems there may be a whole truckload...and tears. But...who knows, maybe there I'll feel His love for me.
It's all a plus, and...I just might be coming alive again!
Starting a Journey
I want to be transformed by Jesus.
I need a deeper awareness of His love for me.
I know that transformation happens by time in His presence, and living from there, and yet I struggle to know how to spend that time.
A year or two ago I noticed a comment in a sermon I've listened to many times--about the exercises of St. Ignatius, how in them there is a great focus on meditating on the love of God.
In Thailand recently, a random comment by someone else at the place I was staying reminded me, and then I found this book: Journey with Jesus: Discovering the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius.
And now it's all coming together. I'm starting the journey. And actually, I might only do the first three weeks of this one, and then repeat, and then stop for a time. Not totally sure. The author says you really should have a spiritual director for this journey. And, I'd love to have some others take it with me. Praying about all of that.
But I am starting now anyways. Starting and doing even partially--starting to get into the habit and pattern of the exercises, and especially the asking for a certain 'grace' and then examen at noon and night--this will be beneficial.
So I'm starting a journey. The first three weeks--focussing on the love of God, really deep down coming to know and believe He does. (I know He does, but there is a part of me that doesn't, and needs to know.)
And now it's all coming together. I'm starting the journey. And actually, I might only do the first three weeks of this one, and then repeat, and then stop for a time. Not totally sure. The author says you really should have a spiritual director for this journey. And, I'd love to have some others take it with me. Praying about all of that.
But I am starting now anyways. Starting and doing even partially--starting to get into the habit and pattern of the exercises, and especially the asking for a certain 'grace' and then examen at noon and night--this will be beneficial.
So I'm starting a journey. The first three weeks--focussing on the love of God, really deep down coming to know and believe He does. (I know He does, but there is a part of me that doesn't, and needs to know.)
Desperate again!
I remember the last time I was desperate like this, 7 years ago now. I remember reading Phil. 3:8 where Paul said he had lost all things for the sake of Christ. What I realized was "Nothing is worth keeping, at the cost of losing Christ." I was weary, living too busy, seeing so much not like Christ inside, and had come to the place where I was hardly hearing His voice. At that time I evaluated, and made changes. In the evaluation time, I was so clear that anything and everything could be scratched if needed--my role, my work. Nothing was worth keeping at the expense of losing Christ.
Now I am in a similar place, and needing to see that central focus return. Last week I heard a previously recorded message by Dallas Willard, and one line has been repeatedly going through my head:
"The greatest challenge to our faith is to make sure
we do the things we need to do
to keep ourselves centered in God
and ... environed in grace."
I'm not sure how to plan my schedule. I'll probably never figure it out, but there are some things that have to happen. And this is a filter I can use to evaluate the decisions of each day--will it help keep me centered in God?
I don't know if I'll get my work hours down to consistently 50 or less...actually, I have to find a way (I just hope I let fall the things that are least important). I must make sure I learn to get to bed earlier (:o/ writing at 2:15 a.m. now), so that I can get up in the morning for time with Him. The morning prayer time with my roommate is good. The new book I am starting to dabble in, and its noon and evening examen, is good! These will help keep me centered in God. Everything else can go!
If I do nothing else, I must say "Yes!" to the things that will keep me abiding, centered in God, surrounded and transformed by His grace.
Undone
I'm at a loss
Undone
Everything I have tried
Has failed
Yet...
I haven't tried everything
I must be more undone
Completely lose
And in losing
Perhaps I will find my soul
Undone
Everything I have tried
Has failed
Yet...
I haven't tried everything
I must be more undone
Completely lose
And in losing
Perhaps I will find my soul
Learning to Abide
What does it mean to "abide" or "remain" in the vine? I've been asking that question and seeking to learn to live it for years now. Time and again I find myself hovering in John 14-17, realizing again that ... if and when I figure out how to live all that is there, this will be life fulfilled, lived joyful, lived well.
I'm there again, hovering, reading and then reading again. (I guess it may be called "meditating"?)
I want to learn to abide, remain in Jesus, remain in His love, remain in His presence. Yesterday was good, as the stresses and frustrations came--changes, people not understanding, a 'quick trip to the hospital' becoming 6 hours there. But I was reminded to turn to Jesus, and as I turned, and asked and listened...new thoughts came, broader and wider perspectives... Oh, I didn't get it all right. Sometimes I did not turn quickly enough, did not listen first to Him before responding. But hopefully I am learning, and getting better at this.
No matter what the stresses of life, no matter what the challenges that come, there is and can be love and patience for others, there is grace that I can receive and live out.
Today, once again I turn toward Him, once again I seek to abide.
As the Father has loved me
so have I loved you.
Abide in my love.
If you keep my commandments,
you will abide in my love,
just as I have kept my Father's commandments
and abide in His love.
These things I have spoken to you
that my joy may be in you,
and that your joy may be full.
This is my commandment,
that you love one another
as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this,
That someone lay down his life for his friends.
Jn. 15:9-13
I'm there again, hovering, reading and then reading again. (I guess it may be called "meditating"?)
I want to learn to abide, remain in Jesus, remain in His love, remain in His presence. Yesterday was good, as the stresses and frustrations came--changes, people not understanding, a 'quick trip to the hospital' becoming 6 hours there. But I was reminded to turn to Jesus, and as I turned, and asked and listened...new thoughts came, broader and wider perspectives... Oh, I didn't get it all right. Sometimes I did not turn quickly enough, did not listen first to Him before responding. But hopefully I am learning, and getting better at this.
No matter what the stresses of life, no matter what the challenges that come, there is and can be love and patience for others, there is grace that I can receive and live out.
Today, once again I turn toward Him, once again I seek to abide.
As the Father has loved me
so have I loved you.
Abide in my love.
If you keep my commandments,
you will abide in my love,
just as I have kept my Father's commandments
and abide in His love.
These things I have spoken to you
that my joy may be in you,
and that your joy may be full.
This is my commandment,
that you love one another
as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this,
That someone lay down his life for his friends.
Jn. 15:9-13
Life Lived Slow
oh to learn to live life slow
not rushed
not bursting with ideas
and rushing to catch up
but
thoughtfully
relaxed
wisely
listening
a kind and gentle presence with others
a calm and settled essence within
not rushed
not bursting with ideas
and rushing to catch up
but
thoughtfully
relaxed
wisely
listening
a kind and gentle presence with others
a calm and settled essence within
broken
That staff
It's broken now
And so am I
Any worship
Any service
Is broken
incomplete
imperfect
Much not known
Much not 'together'
But You are the Healer
Redeemer
The one who takes what's shattered
And redeems
renews
And I will worship
This life was meant to give glory to You
To worship You
I have found no other
Worthy of my adoration
Worthy of following for a lifetime
I have found no other
Healer
Redeemer
Broken, fallen
I keep crawling to You
Because I know You receive
You restore
You renew
and You will never stop loving
even the broken
even me
This place, this time...
I asked for remote
Got it!
It's pouring rain outside
beautiful!
Been staying, these two weeks, on land and in the area devastated by the great tsunami of 2004
sobering!
Death and birth, tears and laughter, pain and healing, terrible sleep but very alert
a week of extremes
So much to do, plan, nail down in this next week before heading back
starting to settle down...
God of me, Jesus, Immanuel--Healer, Teacher, Father, Friend, Wise Counsellor, Judge to whom I give account, Saviour, Redeemer, Rock of Refuge, Hiding Place, Shepherd, Risen One, Lion, Lamb of God--oh please lead me these days, may I rest, and work, and ponder. May I "do" and "be" in good proportion. Lead me in the way I should go.
Got it!
It's pouring rain outside
beautiful!
Been staying, these two weeks, on land and in the area devastated by the great tsunami of 2004
sobering!
Death and birth, tears and laughter, pain and healing, terrible sleep but very alert
a week of extremes
So much to do, plan, nail down in this next week before heading back
starting to settle down...
God of me, Jesus, Immanuel--Healer, Teacher, Father, Friend, Wise Counsellor, Judge to whom I give account, Saviour, Redeemer, Rock of Refuge, Hiding Place, Shepherd, Risen One, Lion, Lamb of God--oh please lead me these days, may I rest, and work, and ponder. May I "do" and "be" in good proportion. Lead me in the way I should go.
You, My Hope
With all that is in me
All the passion left in this soul of mine
I cling to You
God, You are my hope
My refuge
You are the one
Who will make a way through this
You are the one
Who will take me safely to the end
Me,
Passionate one
Who sometimes wonders if the passion is dying
Who sometimes wonders if there is any hope left
My hope in people
Is greatly diminished
My hope in You
Is still there
With all the passion that is in me
I hope in You
You, Great God
You, Lover of Me
I hope in You
All the passion left in this soul of mine
I cling to You
God, You are my hope
My refuge
You are the one
Who will make a way through this
You are the one
Who will take me safely to the end
Me,
Passionate one
Who sometimes wonders if the passion is dying
Who sometimes wonders if there is any hope left
My hope in people
Is greatly diminished
My hope in You
Is still there
With all the passion that is in me
I hope in You
You, Great God
You, Lover of Me
I hope in You
Is it okay...?
Is it okay to just be distant?
Is it okay to not care?
To choose to not care?
yes, what I mean is
deliberately
numb self
walk away
because caring
hurts
breeds disappointment
Sometimes, it seems, a heart really needs to just learn
some lessons regarding relationships with some people
Choosing "numb"
Seems to be taking it too far
But "distancing" may be good
God of me
Jesus!
Show me how to see from YOUR perspective
Okay, yes, show me where I'm wrong in this too
And, for where they are wrong
May I see from Your perspective
Probable NOT
not caring
numb
but with compassion
but possibly still distance
Not letting self get so entangled
Letting others take responsibility for their choices
If I need to be connected
Clear boundaries
Make sure agreements are all clear
Is it okay to not care?
To choose to not care?
yes, what I mean is
deliberately
numb self
walk away
because caring
hurts
breeds disappointment
Sometimes, it seems, a heart really needs to just learn
some lessons regarding relationships with some people
Choosing "numb"
Seems to be taking it too far
But "distancing" may be good
God of me
Jesus!
Show me how to see from YOUR perspective
Okay, yes, show me where I'm wrong in this too
And, for where they are wrong
May I see from Your perspective
Probable NOT
not caring
numb
but with compassion
but possibly still distance
Not letting self get so entangled
Letting others take responsibility for their choices
If I need to be connected
Clear boundaries
Make sure agreements are all clear
Can't dying just be easy?
It seems the next steps for me will involve an awfull lot of dying.
And dying is painful.
Oh this is a good dying, to stuff that I need and want (sort of) to die to. Well, at least I don't want to live the results, to be the person I will become if I do not die.
But dying is hard.
Fortunately, Jesus is my teacher, and He did the dying thing rather perfectly. He "emptied Himself". He took up His real and literal cross. He invites me to a daily death and much better resurrection...
I need to empty myself.
I need to let go of my ideas about my own importance and correctness.
I need to die to ownership of projects--this is all Yours Lord.
I need to put to death all anger and jealousy, all malice. (Oh dear, I fear in the waiting, they have grown roots.)
I need to humbly admit my failings. Probably there will be humble apologies too.
Oh Jesus...I'm scared.
I can't do this unless I know you're leading me, unless I know You're speaking to me, and that I can hear You. Please show me... May I live in Your love as I die.
Last week You said, "Come to Me". I need to remember that, keep remembering that, and keep coming to YOU.
As I come to You and look at You, perhaps some of these things will die quite naturally, more easily fall away. But I expect there are some hard and brittle bits that will only leave by serious cutting and scraping--serious heart searching and some hard conversations with others.
Now to spend time planning, going forward. And...I need to recruit some buddies that will cheer me along in the process, maybe give perspective, ideas, and hope for those hard conversations.
And dying is painful.
Oh this is a good dying, to stuff that I need and want (sort of) to die to. Well, at least I don't want to live the results, to be the person I will become if I do not die.
But dying is hard.
Fortunately, Jesus is my teacher, and He did the dying thing rather perfectly. He "emptied Himself". He took up His real and literal cross. He invites me to a daily death and much better resurrection...
I need to empty myself.
I need to let go of my ideas about my own importance and correctness.
I need to die to ownership of projects--this is all Yours Lord.
I need to put to death all anger and jealousy, all malice. (Oh dear, I fear in the waiting, they have grown roots.)
I need to humbly admit my failings. Probably there will be humble apologies too.
Oh Jesus...I'm scared.
I can't do this unless I know you're leading me, unless I know You're speaking to me, and that I can hear You. Please show me... May I live in Your love as I die.
Last week You said, "Come to Me". I need to remember that, keep remembering that, and keep coming to YOU.
As I come to You and look at You, perhaps some of these things will die quite naturally, more easily fall away. But I expect there are some hard and brittle bits that will only leave by serious cutting and scraping--serious heart searching and some hard conversations with others.
Now to spend time planning, going forward. And...I need to recruit some buddies that will cheer me along in the process, maybe give perspective, ideas, and hope for those hard conversations.
So many disappointments...
I thought the wound was needing forgiveness for healing to take place. True, I've been in the process of figuring out my anger, and choosing to forgive. Forgiveness has been and is part of the process. Am I done? Is everything forgiven? I'm not totally sure, but, as I've spent some concentrated time thinking and praying around the issues and relationships that feel painful these days, I've come to the conclusion, forgiveness is not the issue, disappointment is.
Related, and driving the point home even further, I just went skimming through my email 'drafts' folder--oh, so many emails never sent. And some of the "top on my radar" disappointments show up in there too.
God, what do I do with these? Why do they hurt so bad? How do I learn to better cope with the disappointments of life? And, that some have piled up over the years--is that a sign of unforgiveness, or that I just need to set clear boundaries, at least in my mind, around (or between) myself and certain individuals?
My response, at this point, is to shut down, to not care, to not engage. It's too big. It's too risky. It's too painful. Oh, I'm not shutting down and "not engaging" with everyone, but definitely with these ones, and all that concerns them. My guard is up and high, and I want to keep it up. Beware, I tell myself, don't trust them again, don't trust the friendly conversation, you can be friendly, but don't share your heart. Oh yeah, and isn't that the way to live!
This is where I am today. These are the questions, this is the awareness of my heart pain. This is the me I bring to the Healer. Teach me your ways, O God. God I want to see.
Being shaped...
Go ahead
Follow through
Make the choice to
forgive, and put this behind you
Trust me to shape you
into something beautiful
Whatever it is
You are made for My glory
You are meant to praise Me
Praise Me
Worship Me
It may seem useless now
But I will put the staff in Your hand again
With it I lead you by still waters
You will lead others to peace in Me
Out of Clay...
Out of clay
He shapes
He forms
Sometimes He needs to first patiently remove
Hard, brittle and useless pieces,
firmly embedded
He removes
And then He reshapes
What is He making?
What is in His heart?
Will I be okay with it?
Will I like it?
This removing
is painful
The future
so unknown
But does He not have the right
to do as He pleases?
It is His making
His craftmanship
And it is for His Glory
For His worship
He shapes
He forms
Sometimes He needs to first patiently remove
Hard, brittle and useless pieces,
firmly embedded
He removes
And then He reshapes
What is He making?
What is in His heart?
Will I be okay with it?
Will I like it?
This removing
is painful
The future
so unknown
But does He not have the right
to do as He pleases?
It is His making
His craftmanship
And it is for His Glory
For His worship
Come to me...
I don't think it's the first time He said it, but He said it again today. I think it's supposed to be the theme of this next season.
Come to me
Come to me
Don't come to fix things
Don't worry about figuring everything out
Come to me, it will be okay
Come to me
I will teach you
I will lead you
Come to me
You don't need to be afraid
I will take care of you
Jesus, I turn toward You, I'm facing You, I'm coming toward You. I'm looking at You, and though I don't see You very clearly, I trust You will lead me, guide me. You will give the rest I need. You will teach me Your ways. Teach me Lord, Lead me Lord.
Come to me
Come to me
Don't come to fix things
Don't worry about figuring everything out
Come to me, it will be okay
Come to me
I will teach you
I will lead you
Come to me
You don't need to be afraid
I will take care of you
Jesus, I turn toward You, I'm facing You, I'm coming toward You. I'm looking at You, and though I don't see You very clearly, I trust You will lead me, guide me. You will give the rest I need. You will teach me Your ways. Teach me Lord, Lead me Lord.
He Laughs a lot
Someone outside keeps laughing.
He's in conversation with someone else, and ... he just seems to laugh quite often.
Not a bad thing, to have it be said or known about you...He laughs a lot. She's happy. He lightens up the atmosphere. Love her easy-going and friendly manner.
Laughter...good for the soul
Good for everyone around you.
Laugh.
Enjoy life.
Enjoy people.
Enjoy God.
I want to laugh more.
He's in conversation with someone else, and ... he just seems to laugh quite often.
Not a bad thing, to have it be said or known about you...He laughs a lot. She's happy. He lightens up the atmosphere. Love her easy-going and friendly manner.
Laughter...good for the soul
Good for everyone around you.
Laugh.
Enjoy life.
Enjoy people.
Enjoy God.
I want to laugh more.
I didn't yet say...
I didn't yet note, did I?
That 2012 MUST NOT continue like its first day!
Oh the first day was good in some ways
Great and meaningful messages shared with students
Wrapping up with the final sessions for both the guys' and the girls' courses
We didn't intend for it to be so crazy
A 12+ hour work day, with sessions over-lapping
(It was Sunday, a rest day, and Sabbath for many in this world)
Crazy scheduling and changes at the school these students attend
...requires a lot of flexibility
Not much we could do
But the day was long
And I have lived and worked too many long days
In my life
and in 2011
In 2012
Things must be different
Next week, we meet and finish planning
And the plans we make
Will much determine the length of the days
In the first half of 2012
Lord...lead us...Give your wisdom, lend Your fear
That 2012 MUST NOT continue like its first day!
Oh the first day was good in some ways
Great and meaningful messages shared with students
Wrapping up with the final sessions for both the guys' and the girls' courses
We didn't intend for it to be so crazy
A 12+ hour work day, with sessions over-lapping
(It was Sunday, a rest day, and Sabbath for many in this world)
Crazy scheduling and changes at the school these students attend
...requires a lot of flexibility
Not much we could do
But the day was long
And I have lived and worked too many long days
In my life
and in 2011
In 2012
Things must be different
Next week, we meet and finish planning
And the plans we make
Will much determine the length of the days
In the first half of 2012
Lord...lead us...Give your wisdom, lend Your fear
Do You Want to be Healed?
Earlier I said I 'thought' my one word for 2012 would be Healing, but I wasn't sure. My hesitancy mostly related to how it seemed too passive a word, and that is not the kind of healing I'm talking about or feeling the need to pursue in 2012. I'm talking about something more like intense, active physiotherapy, than sleep. And in that vein...I'm going with it.
Where this journey will take me...I don't know yet.
What is needed...I'm not totally sure.
I will come here to post what I'm learning along the journey.
Today was my 'silent' day. Most Monday's are off, and I disengage from people locally. I pulled out my iPod this evening, and listened to Menlo Park Presbyterian Church's New Year service. The message centres around John 5 and Jesus asking the man by the pool of Bethesda, "Do you want to be healed?"
So I ask myself... Do I really want the healing I say I want? I see the need for some changes, I see some brokenness. In some areas I can answer with a very honest "yes!"--these are the root areas, in me, the areas in which I see the way to healing as being spending time in God's presence, learning to know Him more, having Him reveal, touch and heal those places.
But then there are other places. I've noticed some patterns lately, especially when it comes to difficult things to work out with other people. When it's awkward, and I see no way forward, and I am busy...I just put it off. And the problem stays, and it happens again and again. Do I want healing in this? Do I want to learn and start practising new ways of coping with difficult relationships? Yes...but... how, where do I start? I'm going to need some insight, and I'll need to start small, maybe with some other people. For these big ones, that have happened over and over...I don't know if I even want to bother.
Lord, this is me here before You...please lead...
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