It seems the next steps for me will involve an awfull lot of dying.
And dying is painful.
Oh this is a good dying, to stuff that I need and want (sort of) to die to. Well, at least I don't want to live the results, to be the person I will become if I do not die.
But dying is hard.
Fortunately, Jesus is my teacher, and He did the dying thing rather perfectly. He "emptied Himself". He took up His real and literal cross. He invites me to a daily death and much better resurrection...
I need to empty myself.
I need to let go of my ideas about my own importance and correctness.
I need to die to ownership of projects--this is all Yours Lord.
I need to put to death all anger and jealousy, all malice. (Oh dear, I fear in the waiting, they have grown roots.)
I need to humbly admit my failings. Probably there will be humble apologies too.
Oh Jesus...I'm scared.
I can't do this unless I know you're leading me, unless I know You're speaking to me, and that I can hear You. Please show me... May I live in Your love as I die.
Last week You said, "Come to Me". I need to remember that, keep remembering that, and keep coming to YOU.
As I come to You and look at You, perhaps some of these things will die quite naturally, more easily fall away. But I expect there are some hard and brittle bits that will only leave by serious cutting and scraping--serious heart searching and some hard conversations with others.
Now to spend time planning, going forward. And...I need to recruit some buddies that will cheer me along in the process, maybe give perspective, ideas, and hope for those hard conversations.