Dreams
All these dreams
So many over the years
Were they dreams
Like day-dreaming dreams
Time wasted
Pie-in-the-sky
Sometimes
I thought they were
Vision
Your dreams
Something that could be
That would be
But it hasn't turned out that way
Maybe they were hopes
Hopes I still hold
For a people
For people
For families
For an abundant life
That includes
Soul and spirit
Family life
Health
Education
Agriculture
Economics
Recreation
And if they are hopes
They can still be prayers
Prayers offered to You
For a people
It doesn't matter how it comes about
Forgive me Lord
I've gotten discouraged
When the dreams
Don't become
A reality
I can see
I forgot
They can still be prayers
Teach me to hold
These dreams
And lift up
Prayers
For a people
People You loved
Long before I knew them
To lift up prayers
And do my little part
That You might fulfill
Your dreams
For this people
Death...again
I think I just saw someone die
again
Similar to last time in some ways
hear...a thud, a crash
look out the window
4 floors down
in the intersection
two motorbikes have collided
flat on the ground
one guy is jumping up hopping away
he seems shocked
surprised at what happened
adrenalin fuelling a reaction
the other, still on his bike
head to the ground
his arm was moving
a few little 'flaps' or twitches
and then they stopped
other than that
he didn't move at all
It happens so fast
I'm sure he never could have imagined
just little ride around town
here to there
without a helmet
but this time
his last ride
I was shocked
half cried
sobs with no tears
prayed for that one
but then...
ambulance came
that person
it looked like
what?!
Oh good!
not even "a body lifted onto a stretcher"
but lifted, and supported upright
he is helped into the ambulance
Good! he's okay
but now...
two motorbikes still there
one...I think
is hiding something
I can tell by the screams
of someone else
as they hold her back
don't let her near
there must be another body
on the ground
behind the other bike
one young man gets taken away
in an ambulance
another body
gets lifted
into the back
the flatbed
of a police pickup truck
someone did just die
within earshot
without a moment's notice
without time to say good-bye
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
again
Similar to last time in some ways
hear...a thud, a crash
look out the window
4 floors down
in the intersection
two motorbikes have collided
flat on the ground
one guy is jumping up hopping away
he seems shocked
surprised at what happened
adrenalin fuelling a reaction
the other, still on his bike
head to the ground
his arm was moving
a few little 'flaps' or twitches
and then they stopped
other than that
he didn't move at all
It happens so fast
I'm sure he never could have imagined
just little ride around town
here to there
without a helmet
but this time
his last ride
I was shocked
half cried
sobs with no tears
prayed for that one
but then...
ambulance came
that person
it looked like
what?!
Oh good!
not even "a body lifted onto a stretcher"
but lifted, and supported upright
he is helped into the ambulance
Good! he's okay
but now...
two motorbikes still there
one...I think
is hiding something
I can tell by the screams
of someone else
as they hold her back
don't let her near
there must be another body
on the ground
behind the other bike
one young man gets taken away
in an ambulance
another body
gets lifted
into the back
the flatbed
of a police pickup truck
someone did just die
within earshot
without a moment's notice
without time to say good-bye
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
disreputable sinners
There is a smiley face in the margin in my Bible next to this verse, especially this part:
"...disreputable sinners. (There were many people of this kind among Jesus' followers.)"
I love it, the crowds He attracted. Do I attract the same kind of crowds? This was what I read as I prayed and sought wisdom for a conversation with someone. She has done wrong. She is struggling. I hope I can love her in such a way that she wants to grow, but still wants to stick around, even when she stumbles, even when she falls.
The whole verse:
"Later, Levi invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests,
along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners.
(There were many people of this kind among Jesus' followers.)"
Mark 2:15, NLT
Perhaps the problem comes when I forget that I, too, am a disreputable sinner, or that if I have passed by some of the "sinning" that others do, it is only by the grace of God--somehow I was taught things they weren't, somehow circumstances were different for me. I am just as capable, of every kind of sin, as the next person.
He welcomes us all to follow. He welcomes us all to the table, all of us disreputable sinners. Thank you Jesus!
If "sin" was tough...
I'm so resisting this next part of the journey. If going through "week 1," the "sin" section was tough, what will the section on the crucifixion be like? The sin section was 5 weeks of asking that I might see and grieve over the ways I continue to choose to sin, in spite of God's limitless love, grace and mercy. In those weeks, there was also a focus on knowing myself as loved by God in spite of the sin... a very rich time, yet a very sobering time.
Now, after 15 weeks of "Walking with Jesus" in "week 2"--watching Jesus, following Jesus, trying to learn to answer His call--I move towards the cross in "week 3."
My initial questions were: Am I ready? Should I go there yet? or first spend more time in the life of Christ?
I thought, I had imagined, that the grace I would be seeking would be to die to self, die with Christ. I'm sensing there are things that need to die. It turns out to be a little different, to sorrow with Christ in sorrow, anguish with Christ in anguish, with tears and interior suffering because of the sufferings that Christ endured for you. If I arrive at that, maybe it will have the same effect--a death to things that don't matter, due to a deeper sense of those that do.
I wondered, "Lord, am I ready to go forward? Do I have the sense of You, the deeper knowledge of You... Am I more ready to follow, am I following You...more readily than before? Help me discern...How has my awareness of you changed? Do I know You more intimately? Do I love You more intensely? Follow more closely?" Then my spiritual director said she has no hesitation about me going forward.
But as I have actually come to the beginning, I find myself truly scared. This portion is somehow supposed to be dark. I've had several thoughts. One, "I will abandon You, like Peter." I do it all the time. In little, daily, every day ways, I prove unfaithful. Like him, sometimes I feel so convinced and committed, but then get lost, turn away in the actual living of it all. And knowing that is still likely to happen...I don't even want to go there. Yet, maybe, whether I can stay with You or not, knowing You through this, Your response to me, even in failure, may just transform me, as it transformed him.
A later thought that brought even more fear yesterday and today: I already have enough trouble on some days, during some weeks, holding back the darkness, fighting to hope. And now the book tells me to "take captive" thoughts of hope and resurrection. What? Where am I supposed to go when things get heavy and hard? These next two weeks are big for the significant choices that will need to be made, preparation for turning responsibilities over to the right people, and big for the course content that needs to be reviewed, and prepared. In addition to these things, I will be "companioning" others in their grief journey--a total of four, three hour sessions, encouraging eleven girls and three guys to talk about their pain and their loss. It will be intense. There will be tears. Usually, You are the One to whom I run when I need to come and pour out all the pain and regain balance after entering into their stories. But if I'm to be grieving with You in Your sorrow--how can I come and add to that? Where will I go then? A little selfish about all this I am--I hold back from entering into Your suffering, because really, all I want is You to be there for mine.
Yes, I am too selfish sometimes, and this is to be transformed into dying to self. Yes, this is also part of what "week 3" is about, and this is one part I really do look forward to--to see You more clearly, as You focus in, love to the end, die for me, die for us. I want to learn from You, Jesus. I want to be like You, Jesus.
With fear and trembling I go forward, into these five weeks, Lord Jesus, please lead me, be my guide, teach me all You want me to learn.
Now, after 15 weeks of "Walking with Jesus" in "week 2"--watching Jesus, following Jesus, trying to learn to answer His call--I move towards the cross in "week 3."
My initial questions were: Am I ready? Should I go there yet? or first spend more time in the life of Christ?
I thought, I had imagined, that the grace I would be seeking would be to die to self, die with Christ. I'm sensing there are things that need to die. It turns out to be a little different, to sorrow with Christ in sorrow, anguish with Christ in anguish, with tears and interior suffering because of the sufferings that Christ endured for you. If I arrive at that, maybe it will have the same effect--a death to things that don't matter, due to a deeper sense of those that do.
I wondered, "Lord, am I ready to go forward? Do I have the sense of You, the deeper knowledge of You... Am I more ready to follow, am I following You...more readily than before? Help me discern...How has my awareness of you changed? Do I know You more intimately? Do I love You more intensely? Follow more closely?" Then my spiritual director said she has no hesitation about me going forward.
But as I have actually come to the beginning, I find myself truly scared. This portion is somehow supposed to be dark. I've had several thoughts. One, "I will abandon You, like Peter." I do it all the time. In little, daily, every day ways, I prove unfaithful. Like him, sometimes I feel so convinced and committed, but then get lost, turn away in the actual living of it all. And knowing that is still likely to happen...I don't even want to go there. Yet, maybe, whether I can stay with You or not, knowing You through this, Your response to me, even in failure, may just transform me, as it transformed him.
A later thought that brought even more fear yesterday and today: I already have enough trouble on some days, during some weeks, holding back the darkness, fighting to hope. And now the book tells me to "take captive" thoughts of hope and resurrection. What? Where am I supposed to go when things get heavy and hard? These next two weeks are big for the significant choices that will need to be made, preparation for turning responsibilities over to the right people, and big for the course content that needs to be reviewed, and prepared. In addition to these things, I will be "companioning" others in their grief journey--a total of four, three hour sessions, encouraging eleven girls and three guys to talk about their pain and their loss. It will be intense. There will be tears. Usually, You are the One to whom I run when I need to come and pour out all the pain and regain balance after entering into their stories. But if I'm to be grieving with You in Your sorrow--how can I come and add to that? Where will I go then? A little selfish about all this I am--I hold back from entering into Your suffering, because really, all I want is You to be there for mine.
Yes, I am too selfish sometimes, and this is to be transformed into dying to self. Yes, this is also part of what "week 3" is about, and this is one part I really do look forward to--to see You more clearly, as You focus in, love to the end, die for me, die for us. I want to learn from You, Jesus. I want to be like You, Jesus.
With fear and trembling I go forward, into these five weeks, Lord Jesus, please lead me, be my guide, teach me all You want me to learn.
Widow again...
Last time You asked me to be the Widow of Zarephath--to keep giving, to the last of my energy especially, not knowing if there was any more coming, just give it and trust. And the next day there was a little bit again, and I gave it again, and the next day, and the next day. Thank You!
Now You ask me to be the Widow giving in the temple--to keep giving even when it seems like so little it's not even worth it; to keep giving when I can't see how it may make a difference; to keep giving when I have no clue that it matters.
But it does matter. It matters to You that I give everything I've got. "Everything I've got"--whew! When have I ever given that much? That lady puts me to shame.
How can I remember this? So many days I struggle to find motivation. I don't see how this is part of the plan. I doubt the effectiveness of this plan--doubt my judgment in taking it forward. And so I don't give "everything I've got." Oh I give, at times, enthusiastically and with great bursts of energy. But there are times when I hold back, resist, do not do the faithful, mundane, seemingly useless thing. I find ways to distract myself (it's not hard!), and avoid responsibility. When I do that, it's not only as if the widow refused to give, it's receiving one, not two or five, and because it's only one, taking it and burying it, not even putting it in a bank to at least gain some interest. And it's the little boy with his lunch, but this time refusing to give. What? How can the little be multiplied to feed thousands, except it be offered first?
How can I remember? How can I convince myself that it's still important? Oh if I was talking to someone else I'd readily see the importance and encourage them to keep giving. But for myself?
How can I... Can I somehow... look in Your eyes, see You looking at me, nodding, smiling, and saying "yes, it is good." If I could see that, I think maybe I could ... keep giving my two pennies, in worship.
Now You ask me to be the Widow giving in the temple--to keep giving even when it seems like so little it's not even worth it; to keep giving when I can't see how it may make a difference; to keep giving when I have no clue that it matters.
But it does matter. It matters to You that I give everything I've got. "Everything I've got"--whew! When have I ever given that much? That lady puts me to shame.
How can I remember this? So many days I struggle to find motivation. I don't see how this is part of the plan. I doubt the effectiveness of this plan--doubt my judgment in taking it forward. And so I don't give "everything I've got." Oh I give, at times, enthusiastically and with great bursts of energy. But there are times when I hold back, resist, do not do the faithful, mundane, seemingly useless thing. I find ways to distract myself (it's not hard!), and avoid responsibility. When I do that, it's not only as if the widow refused to give, it's receiving one, not two or five, and because it's only one, taking it and burying it, not even putting it in a bank to at least gain some interest. And it's the little boy with his lunch, but this time refusing to give. What? How can the little be multiplied to feed thousands, except it be offered first?
How can I remember? How can I convince myself that it's still important? Oh if I was talking to someone else I'd readily see the importance and encourage them to keep giving. But for myself?
How can I... Can I somehow... look in Your eyes, see You looking at me, nodding, smiling, and saying "yes, it is good." If I could see that, I think maybe I could ... keep giving my two pennies, in worship.
A Reminder I need...
The article talks about "leadership," but in this part anyways, I think the world "life" could be substituted. This can be true for any life, whether officially leading others or not.
Without the regular experience of being loved by God in solitude and experiencing the deep rest of God through silence and Sabbath-keeping, we are vulnerable to leadership that is driven by a profound emptiness we are seeking to fill through performance, achievement, and powering up on our world. This unconscious striving is very dangerous for us and for those around us. It will eventually burn us out since there is no amount of achievement that will ultimately satisfy the emptiness of the human soul...
In the solitary place we are stripped of external distractions and inevitably we become aware of false patterns of thinking and being and doing that have lurked unnoticed under the surface busyness of our lives. We may even begin to see how these patterns have mis-shaped our leadership. Perhaps we glimpse an ego-driven self that is bent on control and image management. Or an empty self that is hungry to fill itself with the approval of others. We might become aware of a broken self, desperately seeking to preserve the illusion that we have it all together. Or maybe a wounded self that has spent untold energy seeking healing where healing cannot be found.
Ah, good stuff, Ruth Haley Barton and the the importance of self-examination. I am needing some of that silence and solitude--I think it is going to need to come by the discipline of "unplugging" for a day or two while on vacation.
Without the regular experience of being loved by God in solitude and experiencing the deep rest of God through silence and Sabbath-keeping, we are vulnerable to leadership that is driven by a profound emptiness we are seeking to fill through performance, achievement, and powering up on our world. This unconscious striving is very dangerous for us and for those around us. It will eventually burn us out since there is no amount of achievement that will ultimately satisfy the emptiness of the human soul...
In the solitary place we are stripped of external distractions and inevitably we become aware of false patterns of thinking and being and doing that have lurked unnoticed under the surface busyness of our lives. We may even begin to see how these patterns have mis-shaped our leadership. Perhaps we glimpse an ego-driven self that is bent on control and image management. Or an empty self that is hungry to fill itself with the approval of others. We might become aware of a broken self, desperately seeking to preserve the illusion that we have it all together. Or maybe a wounded self that has spent untold energy seeking healing where healing cannot be found.
Ah, good stuff, Ruth Haley Barton and the the importance of self-examination. I am needing some of that silence and solitude--I think it is going to need to come by the discipline of "unplugging" for a day or two while on vacation.
 |
| Feb. 2012--Remembering a beautiful place and time of solitude--I figure God sent the rain and cleared the beach just for me! |
Scars
scars
wounds
unidentified
unseen
unknown
how many
how deep
is there healing
is there hope
where is the wounded hand
that can reach out
and touch the
wounded
quivering
sensitive
flesh
around the wound
break down the scar
heal
will there be healing for this one
balm
release
from the pain
from the memories
will the wound
will the scar
someday fade
or will it cripple forever
and somehow
reproduce itself
propagate
again and again
in the next generations
Pondering ... after hearing about a girl, given away, then returned when she was ill, and given, and returned, and returned for good eventually, after they had their own child, a boy. Given away originally, because she was the second girl, and they wanted a boy. Related--boys... girls...
wounds
unidentified
unseen
unknown
how many
how deep
is there healing
is there hope
where is the wounded hand
that can reach out
and touch the
wounded
quivering
sensitive
flesh
around the wound
break down the scar
heal
will there be healing for this one
balm
release
from the pain
from the memories
will the wound
will the scar
someday fade
or will it cripple forever
and somehow
reproduce itself
propagate
again and again
in the next generations
Pondering ... after hearing about a girl, given away, then returned when she was ill, and given, and returned, and returned for good eventually, after they had their own child, a boy. Given away originally, because she was the second girl, and they wanted a boy. Related--boys... girls...
boys... girls...
Boys, men
are great
wonderful
to be desired
to be loved
cherished
educated
They do need to learn to
make lots of money
smoke
drink
They should
always be strong
tough
in control
have life figured out
They should
never cry
share from the heart
admit weakness
(although these are allowed to 'leak out' now and again when drunk)
Oh, and don't forget
they have needs
that must be satisfied
Girls, women
are not so important
not worth educating
a waste of time
and money
after all, they'll marry into someone else's family
Girls can
be emotional
cry
rant
after all, they're weak
Girls are
not valuable
not desirable
except for sex
(informed consent? who cares!)
and birthing boys
They are
trash
can be
thrown away
given away
killed
before or after they are born
Some actually live out this extreme thinking
some live close, but not to the extreme
thankfully many live the opposite of this thinking
yet I suspect we are all affected
our thinking has been altered, shaped
Broken we are
scarred
wounded
and everyone suffers
Pondering many stories ... after hearing about one--a girl, given away, then returned when she was ill, and given, and returned, and returned for good eventually, after they had their own child, a boy. Given away originally, because she was the second girl, and they wanted a boy. Related: Scars
are great
wonderful
to be desired
to be loved
cherished
educated
They do need to learn to
make lots of money
smoke
drink
They should
always be strong
tough
in control
have life figured out
They should
never cry
share from the heart
admit weakness
(although these are allowed to 'leak out' now and again when drunk)
Oh, and don't forget
they have needs
that must be satisfied
Girls, women
are not so important
not worth educating
a waste of time
and money
after all, they'll marry into someone else's family
Girls can
be emotional
cry
rant
after all, they're weak
Girls are
not valuable
not desirable
except for sex
(informed consent? who cares!)
and birthing boys
They are
trash
can be
thrown away
given away
killed
before or after they are born
Some actually live out this extreme thinking
some live close, but not to the extreme
thankfully many live the opposite of this thinking
yet I suspect we are all affected
our thinking has been altered, shaped
Broken we are
scarred
wounded
and everyone suffers
Pondering many stories ... after hearing about one--a girl, given away, then returned when she was ill, and given, and returned, and returned for good eventually, after they had their own child, a boy. Given away originally, because she was the second girl, and they wanted a boy. Related: Scars
Everything offered
I thought it was about money
the widow's mite
and giving all
but I get it now
it's about offering anyways
offering all anyways
even when it is so small
so insignificant
That's all I have, Lord
just little things
little bits here and there
I see good in each of them
but it is so small
easy to see it as
not enough
not worth the offering
But it is offered
it was offered before
and I offer it now again
all these little
pieces and parts
I bring my offering
it is my all
and You receive it as
more
the widow's mite
and giving all
but I get it now
it's about offering anyways
offering all anyways
even when it is so small
so insignificant
That's all I have, Lord
just little things
little bits here and there
I see good in each of them
but it is so small
easy to see it as
not enough
not worth the offering
But it is offered
it was offered before
and I offer it now again
all these little
pieces and parts
I bring my offering
it is my all
and You receive it as
more
I want to know...
I want to know, Lord
Am I getting it right?
As I look back
My life
My service
So haphazard
It wasn't meant to be haphazard
And I'm all for taking
The random opportunities You present
Knowing You are orchestrating
Something bigger
Beyond what I can see
And yet when so much
Almost all
Of the meaningful stuff
The parts that really matter
Come off as "haphazard"
Disjointed
One moment there
One event here
One conversation
One meeting
They weren't intended to be so limited
They were intended to continue
To build
To have follow-up
But so many times
That didn't happen
Is this part of the plan
The picture You are weaving
My one stitch
This colour
Added only now and then
Only one little part
Of the big picture
You are weaving
I'm okay with that
If somehow I knew that is what You intended for me to do
I thought You intended more
I thought the "follow-up" part was part of the plan too
But, time and again
Frustrated
Should I stop planning
Should I stop hoping
Stop trying to build "ongoing"
In those parts so lacking
As I look back
That seems to be how it is
And maybe I should be content with that
Mostly I have been
Yet I wonder, if I've been too content
Too ready
To just "go with the flow"
And see so little
"progress"
Thirteen years ago, apparently--one conversation that I don't remember with man who died in the following year or two. His wife tells me now...I don't know the point of that. This year Easter, one gathering, then nothing more. This summer, one session, then it ended. Random one-off conversations is all... It's not that I haven't tried to do more, to faithfully follow through.
I must trust that You are doing something with this life, that You are working things out, that You have Your ways and plans. I'd like to know, like to believe, that the randomness is somehow intentional. Maybe someday...could You show me...the back of the picture, connected with the front, how those random stitches were made part of a glorious whole? I'd like to believe that is what is happening. It would be nice to know that this was intentional on Your part, not just my failure--to overcome distractedness, plan well, order this life You have given. Can I believe that You really are, still are, leading me along the best pathways for my life, even in the daily, the random, the haphazard?
Am I getting it right?
As I look back
My life
My service
So haphazard
It wasn't meant to be haphazard
And I'm all for taking
The random opportunities You present
Knowing You are orchestrating
Something bigger
Beyond what I can see
And yet when so much
Almost all
Of the meaningful stuff
The parts that really matter
Come off as "haphazard"
Disjointed
One moment there
One event here
One conversation
One meeting
They weren't intended to be so limited
They were intended to continue
To build
To have follow-up
But so many times
That didn't happen
Is this part of the plan
The picture You are weaving
My one stitch
This colour
Added only now and then
Only one little part
Of the big picture
You are weaving
I'm okay with that
If somehow I knew that is what You intended for me to do
I thought You intended more
I thought the "follow-up" part was part of the plan too
But, time and again
Frustrated
Should I stop planning
Should I stop hoping
Stop trying to build "ongoing"
In those parts so lacking
As I look back
That seems to be how it is
And maybe I should be content with that
Mostly I have been
Yet I wonder, if I've been too content
Too ready
To just "go with the flow"
And see so little
"progress"
Thirteen years ago, apparently--one conversation that I don't remember with man who died in the following year or two. His wife tells me now...I don't know the point of that. This year Easter, one gathering, then nothing more. This summer, one session, then it ended. Random one-off conversations is all... It's not that I haven't tried to do more, to faithfully follow through.
I must trust that You are doing something with this life, that You are working things out, that You have Your ways and plans. I'd like to know, like to believe, that the randomness is somehow intentional. Maybe someday...could You show me...the back of the picture, connected with the front, how those random stitches were made part of a glorious whole? I'd like to believe that is what is happening. It would be nice to know that this was intentional on Your part, not just my failure--to overcome distractedness, plan well, order this life You have given. Can I believe that You really are, still are, leading me along the best pathways for my life, even in the daily, the random, the haphazard?
Confession
Sometimes the soul just needs...confession. An evening prayer:
Litany of Penitence
Most holy and merciful Father:
I confess to you and to the whole communion of saints in heaven and on earth, that I have sinned by my own fault in thought, word, and deed; by what I have done, and by what I have left undone.
I have not loved you with my whole heart, and mind, and strength.
I have not loved my neighbors as myself.
I have not forgiven others, as I have been forgiven.
Have mercy on me, Lord.
I have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us.
I have not been true to the mind of Christ.
I have grieved your Holy Spirit. Have mercy on me, Lord.
I confess to you, Lord, all my past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of my life. I confess to you, Lord.
My self-indulgent appetites and ways, and my exploitation of other people, I confess to you, Lord.
My anger at my own frustration, and my envy of those more fortunate than I, I confess to you, Lord.
My intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and my dishonesty in daily life and work, I confess to you, Lord.
My negligence in prayer and worship, and my failure to commend the faith that is in me, I confess to you, Lord.
Accept my repentance, Lord, for the wrongs I have done:
For my blindness to human need and suffering, and my indifference to injustice and cruelty, Accept my repentance, Lord.
For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward my neighbors, and for my prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from me, Accept my repentance, Lord.
For my waste and pollution of your creation, and my lack of concern for those who come after us, Accept my repentance, Lord.
Restore me, good Lord, and let your anger depart from me;
Favorably hear me for your mercy is great.
Accomplish in me and all of your church the work of your salvation, that I may show forth your glory in the world.
By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord, Bring me with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.
Litany of Penitence
Most holy and merciful Father:
I confess to you and to the whole communion of saints in heaven and on earth, that I have sinned by my own fault in thought, word, and deed; by what I have done, and by what I have left undone.
I have not loved you with my whole heart, and mind, and strength.
I have not loved my neighbors as myself.
I have not forgiven others, as I have been forgiven.
Have mercy on me, Lord.
I have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us.
I have not been true to the mind of Christ.
I have grieved your Holy Spirit. Have mercy on me, Lord.
I confess to you, Lord, all my past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of my life. I confess to you, Lord.
My self-indulgent appetites and ways, and my exploitation of other people, I confess to you, Lord.
My anger at my own frustration, and my envy of those more fortunate than I, I confess to you, Lord.
My intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and my dishonesty in daily life and work, I confess to you, Lord.
My negligence in prayer and worship, and my failure to commend the faith that is in me, I confess to you, Lord.
Accept my repentance, Lord, for the wrongs I have done:
For my blindness to human need and suffering, and my indifference to injustice and cruelty, Accept my repentance, Lord.
For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward my neighbors, and for my prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from me, Accept my repentance, Lord.
For my waste and pollution of your creation, and my lack of concern for those who come after us, Accept my repentance, Lord.
Restore me, good Lord, and let your anger depart from me;
Favorably hear me for your mercy is great.
Accomplish in me and all of your church the work of your salvation, that I may show forth your glory in the world.
By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord, Bring me with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.
With You
I wondered if I'd "pass"
If I'd be in the right place
To be able to go on
In the journey
I wondered if I'd be ready
What have I really learned of You Jesus
These 15 weeks?
Do I love You more intensely?
Do I know You more intimately?
Do I follow You more closely?
Am I more quick and eager to obey Your call?
Sometimes I do
Sometimes I'm there
Sometimes it's so fresh
As I look back
Wow, this journey has been sweet
And I so long to be with You
I long to be like You
I deeply admire You Jesus
You are so wise
So good
So at peace in all situations
And Your love for me
Reaches
Draws
More and more I believe
And accept
You really do love me
And that is enough she said
That longing to "be with" You
No matter the cost
No matter that I sometimes am frightened
It's that wanting to be with You
No matter what
And I do
I really do
I've contemplated again
Running off my own way
As You ask me to walk with You again, still
Into the unknown
We're climbing a hill
The path veers a little to the right
Then disappears
I have no idea where it will go
If it will be easy
or difficult
I suspect, and am scared of...difficult
I cling to You
Sometimes...
Maybe You'll just have to pick me up and carry me
As we go forward
But I do want to be with You
Where else would I go
I'd be so lost without You
So now we go forward
If I'd be in the right place
To be able to go on
In the journey
I wondered if I'd be ready
What have I really learned of You Jesus
These 15 weeks?
Do I love You more intensely?
Do I know You more intimately?
Do I follow You more closely?
Am I more quick and eager to obey Your call?
Sometimes I do
Sometimes I'm there
Sometimes it's so fresh
As I look back
Wow, this journey has been sweet
And I so long to be with You
I long to be like You
I deeply admire You Jesus
You are so wise
So good
So at peace in all situations
And Your love for me
Reaches
Draws
More and more I believe
And accept
You really do love me
And that is enough she said
That longing to "be with" You
No matter the cost
No matter that I sometimes am frightened
It's that wanting to be with You
No matter what
And I do
I really do
I've contemplated again
Running off my own way
As You ask me to walk with You again, still
Into the unknown
We're climbing a hill
The path veers a little to the right
Then disappears
I have no idea where it will go
If it will be easy
or difficult
I suspect, and am scared of...difficult
I cling to You
Sometimes...
Maybe You'll just have to pick me up and carry me
As we go forward
But I do want to be with You
Where else would I go
I'd be so lost without You
So now we go forward
Alone
silence and lies
definitely safer
you were struggling
later, I asked
'how are you, how has it been?'
shrug of the shoulders
'oh, okay'
like everything is fine now
and there never was a problem
you asked me
'how are you doing?'
'not well'
stupid answer
now I know
it would be better to say nothing
look strong
pretend to be strong
and this is how we create
a community
of lies and silence
where the pain
cannot be spoken
the hurts
are never healed
and we are all
alone
(from an earlier time...) For years I have been disturbed that the church is often not the place where we love and help each other come to Jesus in our weakness, with our struggles. The 'leaders' and 'stronger' want to be strong, so don't share much of their real and current struggles, but somehow expect the younger ones to share. Eventually the younger ones also learn to stuff it, hiding the hurts. "Maturity" comes to also mean a certain level of falsity. "I'm fine," we say so quickly. Often I've chosen to be real anyways, share it like it is, turning to God in it, open before others about the reality. But even I, with my (in my thinking) super-high "willing to be open and vulnerable threshold," have sometimes discovered and feel--it's just not worth it, better to be fake, better to hide. God help us! May we learn to believe You love, may we learn to really love and create safety for others coming to You. How else will we find the healing that we need? How else will "love one another" be true among us?
definitely safer
you were struggling
later, I asked
'how are you, how has it been?'
shrug of the shoulders
'oh, okay'
like everything is fine now
and there never was a problem
you asked me
'how are you doing?'
'not well'
stupid answer
now I know
it would be better to say nothing
look strong
pretend to be strong
and this is how we create
a community
of lies and silence
where the pain
cannot be spoken
the hurts
are never healed
and we are all
alone
(from an earlier time...) For years I have been disturbed that the church is often not the place where we love and help each other come to Jesus in our weakness, with our struggles. The 'leaders' and 'stronger' want to be strong, so don't share much of their real and current struggles, but somehow expect the younger ones to share. Eventually the younger ones also learn to stuff it, hiding the hurts. "Maturity" comes to also mean a certain level of falsity. "I'm fine," we say so quickly. Often I've chosen to be real anyways, share it like it is, turning to God in it, open before others about the reality. But even I, with my (in my thinking) super-high "willing to be open and vulnerable threshold," have sometimes discovered and feel--it's just not worth it, better to be fake, better to hide. God help us! May we learn to believe You love, may we learn to really love and create safety for others coming to You. How else will we find the healing that we need? How else will "love one another" be true among us?
Thankful things
this apartment
clean table
the quiet
lilies blooming
peace
new students
new opportunities
excited eager eyes
space
rest
cool mornings
coffee
journal
coloured pens
water
hope
clean table
the quiet
lilies blooming
peace
new students
new opportunities
excited eager eyes
space
rest
cool mornings
coffee
journal
coloured pens
water
hope
The river...again...
I was supposed to be on this river again today, but it didn't happen. Sudden deadlines came up for some, and we needed to re-evaluate and flex and plans needed to change. The change may be for the best, for now we can do something else that we need to do, but could not find time to put in the schedule this week--we need to reflect and celebrate. I need to facilitate a good ending for this group that has been entrusted to me, to us, for these weeks. In the end, it will probably be more meaningful than a day at the waterfall and on the river.
But that previous post, is also where I am again today.
Once again I am surrounded
and wonder
Where will they go from here
...
And I wonder
where will we go from here
my colleagues and I
we're exhausted
we've run hard
worked hard
developed something
...
But do we have what it takes to go forward?
the energy and heart, the passion
the skills
the commitment
...
Lord,
Creator of this river
You who know it's source
and where it goes
Lead my life
All my days
As I follow
But that previous post, is also where I am again today.
Once again I am surrounded
and wonder
Where will they go from here
...
And I wonder
where will we go from here
my colleagues and I
we're exhausted
we've run hard
worked hard
developed something
...
But do we have what it takes to go forward?
the energy and heart, the passion
the skills
the commitment
...
Lord,
Creator of this river
You who know it's source
and where it goes
Lead my life
All my days
As I follow
A prayer for me...and you too
May the God of hope fill you
with all joy and peace in believing,
so that by the power of the Holy Spirit
you may abound in hope.
Rom 15:13, ESV
at times it burns...
at times it burns...
this passion for You
the freshness
of Your voice
the excitement
the draw
of Your call
and vision
all that You are
all this life is meant to be
the hope You've called me to
at times it burns within
a fire
that can't be held back
but there are other times
where only memories remain
faint
distant
and doubts
that there ever was a call
the smoldering remains
smoke
ashes
tears
only memories
and yearning
for the fire
this passion for You
the freshness
of Your voice
the excitement
the draw
of Your call
and vision
all that You are
all this life is meant to be
the hope You've called me to
at times it burns within
a fire
that can't be held back
but there are other times
where only memories remain
faint
distant
and doubts
that there ever was a call
the smoldering remains
smoke
ashes
tears
only memories
and yearning
for the fire
Vine
is the fruit
and that's okay
but my focus
is on You
Your love
Your words
in me
You in me
Me in You
Loving You
Obeying
just as You
love the Father
and do everything He says
and the fruit will be...
many things
and joy
overflowing joy
I will experience these
but they are not my focus
and if anyone else sees
and enjoys
great
if not
it really doesn't matter
for I am free
and enjoying the life
in You
You in me
Jn. 15:1-17
Worth
When the facadeis gone
When the busyness
fades
When all those lies of
importance
meaningful work
relevance
usefulness
are gone
Then...
what is left
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