"Someday I will know how You were holding me now"

I don't know why I wrote that line
I don't know where it came from
Even as I wrote it I was a little puzzled
One of the last lines written
I had been writing all over one page
Summarizing what You had been saying
Over the previous 3 weeks
And then out came that line
The others were repeats
This one was brand new

That was 5 months ago.

In the past couple of weeks I've thought of that line twice
And felt, "I almost know," or maybe "I think can almost catch a glimpse of it"

There has been so much unknown
So much pain
So much confusion
So much I don't understand
So much where...I just don't know what to do
All I have tried to do
To honour You in the follow through
Has failed
And I have ended up here

And broken
Picking through the pieces
Trying to understand...
Which parts...?
Where did I go wrong?
What did others do wrong?
What parts are for me to forgive?
What do I need to change?
What needs healing?

The pieces...
a muddled mess
a puzzle
with no box
no picture
to guide and know how it is supposed to look in the end

I still don't see the picture
Just a deeper awareness that there is one
And it may make sense one day

"Someday I will know how You were holding me now"

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