"Someday I will know how You were holding me now"

I don't know why I wrote that line

I don't know where it came from

Even as I wrote it I was a little puzzled

One of the last lines written

I had been writing all over one page

Summarizing what You had been saying

Over the previous 3 weeks

And then out came that line

The others were repeats

This one was brand new

That was 5 months ago.

In the past couple of weeks I've thought of that line twice

And felt, "I almost know," or maybe "I think can almost catch a glimpse of it"

There has been so much unknown

So much pain

So much confusion

So much I don't understand

So much where...I just don't know what to do

All I have tried to do

To honour You in the follow through

Has failed

And I have ended up here

Empty

And broken

Picking through the pieces

Disheartened

Trying to understand...

Which parts...?

Where did I go wrong?

What did others do wrong?

What parts are for me to forgive?

What do I need to change?

What needs healing?

The pieces...

a muddled mess

a puzzle

with no box

no picture

to guide and know how it is supposed to look in the end

I still don't see the picture

Just a deeper awareness that there is one

And it may make sense one day

"Someday I will know how You were holding me now"