Running...

from what
I wasn't sure
the intensity?
the reality?
all the things I used to face?
not sure
just knew I was running

I have been in danger of great falsity
all these years
calling others
to courage
to enter the wilderness
   of pain
   of grief
   of shame
   of loneliness
   of hurt
   of working things out with others

yes, it will be hard
but it is necessary
yes, it is confusing
but there is no other way
to wholeness
and healing

I know this
yet now I find
there are things I do not want to face
things too confusing
too painful
too unsure that it will be worth it
requiring too much energy
and hope I no longer have
for working things out with others

I have tried and failed
again and again

so I started running
I didn't know why
just knew I was running
reading, like a madwoman sometimes
stories--at least they resolve
easier than facing mine
with no resolution in sight

and yet the running
was to broken cisterns
drinking water
that did not satisfy

I realized
stopped running there
not totally stopped reading
but more thoughtfully, intentionally
and intentionally turning to God again

the irony
reading a book, The Sparrow,
has helped me turn
identified and put words
to the pain I feel
given words to cry out to God
expressing the pain
   the confusion
   the disillusionment

I sense a breakthrough
not yet resolution
but coming to an end of the running
and maybe a beginning
to finding a way
and the energy
to look again and listen for solutions
or to take the pain
without coming out on the other side
with a bitter and withered soul