His Hand

Did You take his hand
to save his life?
much like the surgeon
takes the leg
to get the cancer
and save the man

But he didn't have cancer
just a horrible beginning
a father, a thief
who ran off his mother
or she ran off 
after he tried to kill her
for reporting about the cow

In grade 7 or 8
he almost joined his friends
dropping out of school
off to work as a labourer
or...a life of crime
stealing for a living
like his dad
it had all crossed his mind 
 
Because of his hand
thumb and two fingers missing
since playing with dynamite at six
he realized
job pickings would be slim

So he stayed
Because of his hand

And stayed
into high school
and met
and heard
about a different way to live
taking responsibility for life
honesty and girls as more than objects

He started to change
own up
confessed how he had lied
to get more money
stood in front of his peers and confessed
things no one dares confess
but most everyone thinks

Gentleness and humility
now mark the young man
drawing his peers
to walk together
choosing again and again
a better path
while yet still trying to overcome
and understand
his hand

When he lost his hand, his fingers
he almost lost his life

Now without the fingers
on the way to gaining life 
for himself
and future generations

Ponder this...

The post from PatrickMitchel's blog is actually about blogging, but the part about retreats resonates with me. I think I need more of the Catholic priest's tradition:

Here’s a story I like to tell: some years ago a large group of members and staff of an evangelical Christian organisation were away on a 2 day retreat in a very nice hotel. (I guess funding had been sourced from somewhere!). We had an excellent time socially and in discussions, workshops and talks. At the end a Catholic priest who had been invited as an observer shared his thoughts. He said something like this (in a very gracious and gently witty way),

In our tradition when someone goes on retreat they go to experience and listen to God. The first way they do this is to fast. You have not stopped eating all weekend. A second characteristic of a retreat in our tradition is to spend many hours in prayer. You have hardly prayed at all except quickly to give thanks to God at meal times. And a third characteristic is to spend considerable time in silence, listening for what God is saying. You have never stopped talking.

There was silence at that point alright. His words hit home because they were true

Waiting Expectantly

Along with A.H. and others at 2 Years of Psalms, I've been reading Psalm 5 & 6 this past week.

I listened to the 2 chapters earlier in the week, but was struck the last part of Ps. 5:3 when I finally read it a couple of days ago--it jumped out at me because it was underlined; it must have jumped out at me in another reading a year or two go.  "Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly" (NLT).

It's the "wait expectantly" part that hits me.  Do I?  Well the "bringing requests" hits too--do I? And when I do, do I really wait expectantly? Lots of times I don't know that I do. If I don't, what am I doing then?  I don't know!  Do I not believe He hears? Do I not believe He really will answer?

And I don't know why this is so hard, but I need to remember, and choose...to come, bring my requests, and wait expectantly--knowing He is listening (I have to remind myself), knowing He is watching over my life and caring (in the not seeing Him, I think I may have forgotten), and that He will act (He will, He does, He has so many times before).

Oh God forgive me. I forget You really are there. I come and talk to You, then walk away not listening for the answer. How rude. How horrible. How... but not today. Today I bring my requests. And wait expectantly. You hear. You will rescue. You will restore. You will heal. You will give wisdom and direction. Thank You!

Uh oh...You're Dead! (Talking to Trees 2)

In the midst of all the lush green

There you are

Tall and strong

But you're dead

What happened?

Somehow you got disconnected

From your life source

From your roots

From the vine

Did disease set in slowly?

Something you should have paid attention to earlier?

Was it little bugs?

Something you thought you could handle on your own?

But you were too strong

And then the infestation grew, and grew

And before you knew it you were a goner

From other angles, you still look really good

From down below, no one would even know

You're still covered in lush green

Those that came and surrounded you

Drew on your strength

But their fruit, even you helping them bear fruit

Is no indication of your life

Their fruit is only a sign of the life in them

The sign of your life would be the fruit growing on you

And there is none

Do you even know you are dead?

Did you even notice the slow decay?

Or did you ignore the signs?

Were you so busy that you could not tell?

So caught up with all the life around you

When the life left you

You couldn't even tell?

Sometimes, actually,
No one can tell even from other angles.

Winter soon comes

All the others will lose their leaves too

Ah, that will be comforting

Then they will all look just as barren as you

You still have some use

You can still support others

Bearing their weight

Until they discover you can no longer support

But someday you will not even be able to bear your own weight

Someday the truth that IS already

Will be evident to all

You will come crashing down

Fit only to be burned

(Mostly written October 4, 2010--a day I was seeking God, and hearing Him speak through trees--words of warning, parables of life. This is the second Talking to Trees entry, see Talking to Trees 1 here)

John

You set me apart before I was born
I heard Your call
I followed
You led me into a life
Of crazy and strange obedience
But oh the wonder
Amazing
To know You were leading me
This was part of Your plan

And when people responded
To follow, or to turn away
Still I knew
This was Your thing
Something You were doing
Through me

And I knew it wasn't about me
I pointed them to You
I told them
And knew
I must become less

I knew
And it was good
But now...

Now I am cast aside
Do You even remember me
Here in this dungeon
Do You see me
All the good things I hear You are doing
Happen so far away from where I am

And
I doubt
I wonder
Did I even hear correctly
Was it all for nothing
Was anything from You
Are You the one who was to come
Or should we be looking for someone else

The answer comes back
Sounds like You are
But for me
Nothing has changed
And You ask me to accept
The way things are
And the way things will end 

(inspired reading and listening to Luke 7)

Considering that I might be the worst of sinners

"What if there was an MRI for the soul?" asks John Ortberg in his Wholeness message (Soul-o-logy series).

When Paul said he is the worst of sinners (1 Tim 1:15), he is not saying he did a careful study of all sinners in history and realized that compared to everyone else, he was the worst.  No, rather... John Stott says, "The truth is...when we are convicted by the Holy Spirit, an immediate result is that we give up all such comparisons. Paul was so vividly aware of his own sins, that he could not conceive that anybody could be worse. This is the language of every sinner whose conscience has been awakened and disturbed by the Holy Spirit."

Ortberg then invites us, for the next 20 minutes of the message to, "Consider that You might be the worst of sinners.  Don't think about the sin of anybody else...Ask God for a humble and contrite heart before Him."

I'm asking.  I'm considering... Will you join me? Listen to the message, and consider...

Again

I gave
And now there is nothing left to give
Nothing extra anyways

Burned
Afraid to trust again

The saying here goes:
"Bitten once by a snake, afraid of a rope for 10 years"
What if bitten twice?
Three times?

Ah, the stuff that hurts me is small,
Petty stuff
Not nearly what You faced
And overcame
Loving and forgiving through it all
To all, after it all
And apparently You live in me
Your life in mine

So why is it so hard to pick up again
To trust again
To go on in joy again

Review of "Love and Respect for a Lifetime" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

This is my first review for BookSneeze--they send free books, and I agree to review them! Looking forward to getting into the swing of this, although it took me a LONG time to review this one.

At first I was a little disappointed with this book. I had thought I was getting the big, full-length, and in my mind almost CLASSIC, book Love and Respect, I wanted to read it because I have heard great things about it, I buy it and give it away in Chinese..thought I should check out the original. But alas, this is the table-top edition. I was a little disappointed.

However, on reading this book, I was quite impressed. It is the gift edition, with some pages containing only one big quote, but there are pages with more content too--six chapters and an introduction to boot. I suspect that for many that may never get reading the full-length book, this one would be great for succinct content, covering the main points of what I suspect the full length book is about. "A women needs love like she needs air to breath. A man needs respect like he needs air to breath." (p. 5). Yes, women, men need love too, but for them it is spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  In the space of this short little book, some specific differences are pointed out--what that "love" really looks like for a woman, what "respect" really looks like for a man, and deals with reasons we don't want to give him the respect he needs or the love she wants. This little book packs a punch. I think I know marriages that would be improved simply by the individuals involved reading this book, talking about it, listening to each other, and deliberately putting it into practise.

Downsides: I did think the "pink" wife and "blue" husband was kind of corny (probably in the big book too). Sometimes statements come rather abruptly and out of context. More background may help to understand better.


And my personal take away (gee, some of this is basic kind and caring communication stuff--not just for marriage!). Good reminders about things I have been told before that I need to watch--the expressions on my face--the reactions. I wonder how many times my tone of voice or stern expression makes it hard for others to hear--they may not feel loved or respected. And I think, it can make it especially hard for male staff members. I'll keep working on this.

NOTE: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Running...

from what
I wasn't sure
the intensity?
the reality?
all the things I used to face?
not sure
just knew I was running

I have been in danger of great falsity
all these years
calling others
to courage
to enter the wilderness
   of pain
   of grief
   of shame
   of loneliness
   of hurt
   of working things out with others

yes, it will be hard
but it is necessary
yes, it is confusing
but there is no other way
to wholeness
and healing

I know this
yet now I find
there are things I do not want to face
things too confusing
too painful
too unsure that it will be worth it
requiring too much energy
and hope I no longer have
for working things out with others

I have tried and failed
again and again

so I started running
I didn't know why
just knew I was running
reading, like a madwoman sometimes
stories--at least they resolve
easier than facing mine
with no resolution in sight

and yet the running
was to broken cisterns
drinking water
that did not satisfy

I realized
stopped running there
not totally stopped reading
but more thoughtfully, intentionally
and intentionally turning to God again

the irony
reading a book, The Sparrow,
has helped me turn
identified and put words
to the pain I feel
given words to cry out to God
expressing the pain
   the confusion
   the disillusionment

I sense a breakthrough
not yet resolution
but coming to an end of the running
and maybe a beginning
to finding a way
and the energy
to look again and listen for solutions
or to take the pain
without coming out on the other side
with a bitter and withered soul

"Someday I will know how You were holding me now"

I don't know why I wrote that line

I don't know where it came from

Even as I wrote it I was a little puzzled

One of the last lines written

I had been writing all over one page

Summarizing what You had been saying

Over the previous 3 weeks

And then out came that line

The others were repeats

This one was brand new

That was 5 months ago.

In the past couple of weeks I've thought of that line twice

And felt, "I almost know," or maybe "I think can almost catch a glimpse of it"

There has been so much unknown

So much pain

So much confusion

So much I don't understand

So much where...I just don't know what to do

All I have tried to do

To honour You in the follow through

Has failed

And I have ended up here

Empty

And broken

Picking through the pieces

Disheartened

Trying to understand...

Which parts...?

Where did I go wrong?

What did others do wrong?

What parts are for me to forgive?

What do I need to change?

What needs healing?

The pieces...

a muddled mess

a puzzle

with no box

no picture

to guide and know how it is supposed to look in the end

I still don't see the picture

Just a deeper awareness that there is one

And it may make sense one day

"Someday I will know how You were holding me now"

When it gets hard, I want to give up!

When it gets hard, I want to give up!
And yet I know that is irresponsible
And I can't 
And I shouldn't
Afterall, I'm a responsible person

So I find a million other ways
I'm subtle
I think no one will notice
Or that my Father won't notice

Procrastination by doing other things is an old
and well-practised strategy
Now I get lost in other things
Internet, blogs, reading

I wonder if I really even know how
To press in
To press on
Press in...to God
To what He really wants to say
To learn how He really sees it
And how He will give strength and wisdom
And perspective
In the thing that is hard

But the perspective doesn't come easily
Sometimes doesn't seem to come at all
And all stays hard
So I find ways to run
To give up
If only temporarily

Oh God...thank You
You love me still
You still want to be with me
And still prepare a place
Where someday You will bring me to be with You

Teach me
To properly press on
To press in
To lean in to You
In the things that are hard