Can You make a way for me

I'm here, once again

Where I've been so many times before

Knowing this passion

Knowing this sense of calling

It's need I see, and I'm willing and eager

   To somehow work to see change

And I think the part of me 

That yearns to jump in

   To find a way

Is the part of me that You made

   The part of me that responds to You

That knows Your goodness

That has a sense of how this world was meant to be

And wants to play a part 

In seeing Your Kingdom come

Simply a response to Your invitation

And yet, once again

There is the "impossibility" of going forward

I don't know the way

There are options, yes

Each one will take a certain investment

Has pros and cons

Is one of these the way to go?

Will You lead, give wisdom

   As I/we research, investigate?

I'm here again

If this is You

If it has been You

Leading in this vision

Firing this passion

Giving the ideas to do this work

Then You 

Will have to show the way

Will have to make a way

Perhaps even using our hands to

   Clear the brush

   Build a road

Will You
   please...
       make a way for me.

As You Prepare to Leave

I'm feeling it tonight

Though I don't quite know what "it" is

It is a thankfulness

And a sadness

All wrapped together

She's in palliative care now

My mom says

Her health is declining

She will soon leave us

She's been a hero for me

Someone ahead, further down the road

Her life has given me glimpses of what mine might be

As I've watched her

Fifty years ahead of me

Aunt Annie,

I hope I will be like you in so many ways

Your positive outlook

Your choosing of grace, forgiveness and service

Rather than self-pity, bitterness or complaining

Your consistently reaching out to others

And yet trusting the Lord yourself too

There is probably much more too

But honestly, we haven't seen each other very often

For me to know more

I'm thankful for the amount of connection we've had

For your emails

For your encouragement

I hope this last leg of the journey goes well for you

I hope you know His comfort

His peace

I hope He holds you, in a very special way

I hope you are at peace

And that there is joy

As you graduate on

To the life after this one

Thank you for this life you have lived

Thank you for showing me how to live it well

To live it with courage

And with grace

I will choose to remember you

And I will take courage from your life

Long after you are gone

Thank you for your faithful journey

Thank you for the strength you have imparted to me

Blessings

Peace

Comfort

Be yours

I wrote another post for Aunt Annie a few years ago, for her 94th birthday. Here is more of this woman, and how she has blessed and impacted me: Thanks Aunt Annie!

Update: on Nov. 10, 2017 Aunt Annie took her last breath...

Yearnings...

Yearnings...

These yearnings come

Yearning to be more

Yearning to have joy again

Yearning to live

enthusiastic 

once again

I yearn to throw off this heaviness

This never-ending wondering

and struggle

and searching

and 'trying to figure out'

for LIVING

living somehow enthusiastic and free

once again.

Are my memories deceiving me?

Maybe it was never as "light" and free as I'm imagining.

My "intense" personality has always been a little angsty

(This post...perhaps not complete...Written Nov. 5, 2017, posted May 2018)

Trembling and Bewildered, Afraid

Mark 16 

1 When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. 2 Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb 3 and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?”
4 But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. 5 As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.6 “Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. 7 But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’”
8 Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.

The Realization

     I guess I am a little "afraid" after all.


But...

It's okay to be afraid and bewildered
   as you follow this Jesus
This Jesus...who will constantly surprise you
   with what he does next
It's okay
   that it takes you time to process it all

He still comes to you
   invites you into the experience
   and the revelation
He still goes ahead of you
   and waits for you
   in the unknown

Follow
Trembling
   Bewildered
      Afraid
Go there anyway
You won't want to miss out
   on this adventure!


The invitation:
   Expect the unexpected
   Cultivate a sense of anticipation (it is a faith) choice.
   And in my mind ring the words, "In the light of an unknown future, why would you choose fear [instead of faith]?"


Note: the above are my reflections that came from this Lectio Divina meditation: The Risen Christ Goes Ahead of You

Tired of Simplistic Faith

God, I'm tired of simplistic faith!

And simplistic teaching on faith

Simplistic lists of sins

That leave most of us feeling 

     self-satisfied with ourselves

     noble in helping others

     along with a little bit of pity

     ...disguised as compassion

"Come to the Cross,

     and everything will be okay"

Really?

That's all it takes?

What does that mean anyway?

Does it help us?

Does it help anyone?

And it bugs me

That this sort of thing is still

So prevalent

It seems we may be

Doing more harm than good

Inoculating people

Against true faith

When they get a chance

To finally hear it

Greetings Friend!

Hi there,

It was good to see you again today.

As you came close

I suddenly realized

How nice it was

And...

    It's been a LONG time

There you were

Feeling light and free

Enjoying people

Enjoying strangers

The elderly lady who was friendly

    Sitting beside her on the bus

Chatting, about 

    life

    the city

    what it's like to be retired

Noticing and enjoying the exuberant little girl

    Walking home from school with her grandmother

A smile for the woman walking her dog

Letting a young man know

    "I also like those little croissants

    ---bought some yesterday."

I saw you there

Just a few glimpses today

I wonder if you'll be coming back

More regularly

Stay for longer

I'd like that

I really would

I wonder what sort of space and time

Is needed for that to happen

Maybe you were never meant

To come back permanently

Maybe...

    You've changed in the absence

Maybe...

    I don't even know what I'm looking for

When I yearn to see the "real you" again

Ah...

The me I want to be

More often

For longer

I wonder what it will take

You Will Always Struggle... (Notes for the Journey #1)

You will always struggle to figure out how to live a healthy life.

Do not be surprised at this!

Your dreams are huge. New people and ideas keep coming. New projects start. You are changing. Your life is changing. Your body is changing. Those you work with are changing. All along the way you will discover new things about yourself, your energy levels, what inspires, what drains. There will be a continuing need to re-examine and then adjust, based on the new understanding that you have.  

Do not be discouraged at this need for continual discovery and change. Do not give in to the misplaced idea that because you have not yet "figured it out," somehow you have failed. 

What will work for you, will not work for someone else. What works for them, probably wouldn't work for you. YES! Learn from others. YES! Adopt and adapt time-tested principles. YES! Take on their wisdom and use it in your own life. But you are not "them" (whoever "they" are), and "they" are not you. 

Lay down this idea that "getting it right" or finally "figuring it out" should somehow be your goal, or that it is even possible. Drop the all-or-nothing thinking that leads you to either focus on "figuring it out" or giving up via the many ways you can run. 

Just live.

Live.

Breathe.

Relax.

Know that you are loved, you are valuable, what you do matters, and this all while you are so NOT "figured out."

Learn to live each day in hope. Learn to live each day, each moment, making the wise choice for that time. Yes, keep setting aside those times to stop and evaluate and strategize to make the adjustments needed based on what you see now. But do not expect it to be perfect. Don't even hope for that. Realize and embrace the reality that even the new (better) plan will need to flex, change, and someday it may be scrapped altogether. It will serve your journey for the time it was needed, and that is enough.

Again, take a deep breath.

Life is good.

Live it exuberantly.

Live it well.

In all your glorious, imperfect messiness. 

Breaking

An article

A woman

Mother of young children

Struggling and stressed

Sitting on the floor

Crying...

For so many reasons

   the stress

   the weariness

   her own failure

The children find her

“'Oh, I’m just taking a break. Lunch is almost ready.'

But I’m not taking a break.

I’m breaking."

She's breaking

Under the stress of life

And little children

Understandable

And me

"I'm breaking"

For all the same reasons

   the stress

   the weariness

   my own failure

But no children here to help make sense of it

To make sense of the weight of it

Pity the people who must live with

Work with

The single woman

Who messes it all up...

quitting

What do I do when I realize I hate my job.

Hate? 

Really hate?

Yes, as it is now

The parts that are most demanding and in my face right now

For a while--did better at them

For a while, there were systems

and ways of working together

And I was here more. 

Feeling the pressured of it all

There are too many days

To many times

When all I'm doing is struggling to find hope

Oh, I've been here before, I realize that

I've had other times, where I've come to where I am now

A realization that I need to make some choices

I wish...there were some to talk to about it.

I don't know where to go, who to ask

Those who I've tried....

Doesn't work

We don't get to the crux

I...don't know what to do.

I say I'm a person who doesn't quit

I wonder, sometimes, how long I can go on before I do

How long I can go on feeling like this

Eventually, I won't give a rip

Even seeing no alternative

Anything else is better. 

So...quit what now?

The thought occurs, to quit the counselling program

The idea of just staying home for a month, working on the piles

Being here, while there is no one in the office to ask me to do anything

Is simply wonderful.

Just think of how much I might get done

--on the house

--on the piles I'm behind in

As I sit here...pondering what to quit

(for I must quit something, or I will go insane)

wondering if I should try again to go to bed, 

or have some coffee to add to the mental place

--enter fully into this thought process (it's nearly 2 a.m.)

and somehow cry out for help (yes, faith has changed too, 

hardly know how to ask anymore)

Ideas come

Voices start to speak...through the browsing

Facebook articles...

Maybe it is You God, reaching through...

Let me get that coffee...

The article I found...

Fits with other thoughts I've had recently

Where Are You Headed?

The night before heading off to 3 days of retreat at the beginning of the month

I wrote the words "Invitation" in big letters

First page of the journal I bought for that time

Prompted from the beginning of The Shack movie

Jan Johnson ends the article with:

"Please take time to ask God: 

    What are you inviting me into? 

    What is my next step?"

I guess that's my next step...

Asking God these questions

Hoping light will come

Hoping, someday, I'm living in a different space

(Discovered in 'drafts' on May 30, 2018; Now that I have decided to "quit," it feel more okay to write the intense and scary thoughts of that day.)

I'm...Just me

It hit again

That sudden feeling of dismay

(or maybe it was envy?)

I see a good work an organization is doing

And, their organization, and ability to tap into resources

They have so much to offer

They do so many things so well

But me

I'm mostly just full of dreams

And plugging away at little things

That don't really seem to amount to much

Sometimes I wish

That somewhere

Out of the blue

Would drop in

Some people

With amazing abilities

And initiative 

To organize

Plan

Help us make what we have

Available to more people

But...I'm just me

We're just us

Limited

But with dreams

And a bit of stamina

Here we are

Staying in the process

Being formed

Growing

Learning

Hoping, somehow

It will all make a difference

I think it is

I think it has

Sometimes

For some people

I hope it goes deep

Stays

Spreads

I guess it's enough

It'll have to be

Do not despise the day of small things

Who are you to ask or expect to be someone else, or receive a different path? Just walk this one well. Keep learning to walk this one well...

Places of Safety

Why are they so hard

to find

to maintain

There I have been 

times

seasons

when there were several

Places of safety

Places of acceptance

Places of love

Where I was and felt loved

For who I was

and in that place

In those seasons

there was freedom to flesh out

the worst of me

and somehow

also be and become

the best of me

there was a "flourishing" to life

But those times and places 

are so fleeting

There might be one

and then one day I realize

it is gone

It might happen through a specific problem

But more often

it just happens

The relationship fades

Or maybe just the active cultivating has faded

and at some point 

I realize

How quickly life

and the "atmosphere"

can change

from safety 

to

lack

And then

so many things eem to happen, 

none of them fully true

or fully an expression of the reality

but pieces of

   being lost, directionless

   pulling inside myself

   building walls, hiding behind them

   running, in all the ways I run

And while I watch it happening

not liking it while it does

often a lesser me

lives in this world.

(Another...in drafts, rediscovered May 30, 2018, and posted then. Maybe the distance of time makes it more 'safe' to post.)

I'm Back

I'm back

It's me again

Showing up again

Starting to face my life again

Oh, what a mess

So much, neglected for so long

It's hard to know where to start

Hard to figure out how to plan

But plan I must

I don't need a perfect plan

It will need to be adjusted

Time and again

But each time adjustments will be made

To address that season

I need a framework, to understand life, my life

Is the CWF one that will work?

Starting to feel again...

Maybe I am

finally 

starting to feel again

I've been

I've felt

     disconnected

for so long

Disconnected

   from me

   from feeling much of anything

rather numb, I guess

and I've wondered why

I still don't know why

not completely

I suspect it's related to this rather long season

a big transition 

with many 

    aspects

    choices

    tensions

Perhaps in the process

living with a constant undercurrent

of tension

     so many decisions

     so many unknowns

Maybe

sometimes

I don't let myself feel

lest the feelings overwhelm

and drown me

Now

maybe I'm moving again

into a place where I can breathe, again

I can figure out what it means to be me, again

get excited about going forward, again

maybe...

But for now

I'm thankful

I can sense

I'm starting to feel again

Feel

    the pain of situations happening far away

    the loneliness of missing family

Even

    some of that overwhelm again

No, the overwhelm, is not fun

there is so much ahead

    so much to face

    so much to learn how to do

    so many to whom I am responsible

    so many directions in which my head goes

But with the overwhelm

at least there is something to figure out

    and face

At least I'm not just in denial

    shut down

Perhaps, in the feeling again

I can even

once again 

start to feel 

connected to God, again

    and I think...that's what I've missed most

Words Fail

Written Mar. 30, 2017

So many times lately...I just don't have words. 

Well, not that I don't have words, but...I start to have some

And then the other side of the thing pops up

Other aspects

Other nuances

Or...the opposite extreme is also true

And the story becomes so big and complicated

I no longer know where to begin

Or if I should

Maybe I just need to sit in the reality longer

Not needing to write

Not needing to tell

Not needing to express

Well...I find

I just don't want to...write, tell, express

So much is going on

so much in so many directions

I don't even know what it really is

What the essence is

Must

    just

       experience

and ... let   go