Here I am again
Me
Just me
Wondering how I'll live this day
Wondering how I'll get past
all that is churning inside
all the thoughts
all the feelings
That jumble and tumble
And leave me an immobile heap on the floor
(Oh...not really on the floor...
My body is moving, but my brain has stopped)
I call to mind again
Truths beyond what I can see
You are here
You are good
You are working to fulfill Your purposes
Whether or not I participate
(But wow, don't I want to participate?)
You can and will lead me
You will give enough strength and insight for today
Today, as in every other day,
The end of it will come, and it will be fine
I need not fret or worry at the beginning.
Picture this
Isa. 63:7-9, NLT
7 I will tell of the Lord’s unfailing love.
I will praise the Lord for all he has done.
I will rejoice in his great goodness to Israel,
which he has granted according to his mercy and love.
8 He said, “They are my very own people.
Surely they will not betray me again.”
And he became their Savior.
9 In all their suffering he also suffered,
and he personally rescued them.
In his love and mercy he redeemed them.
He lifted them up and carried them
through all the years.
I will praise the Lord for all he has done.
I will rejoice in his great goodness to Israel,
which he has granted according to his mercy and love.
8 He said, “They are my very own people.
Surely they will not betray me again.”
And he became their Savior.
9 In all their suffering he also suffered,
and he personally rescued them.
In his love and mercy he redeemed them.
He lifted them up and carried them
through all the years.
"He lifted them up and carried them through all the years."
Three pictures come to mind... Oh wish I was an artist! I tried to sketch them, but didn't do too well. I do better with words...
Picture 1 is hands--His hands, cupped hands, me in the center. He is carrying me, He has carried me safely through the ages. I don't know my posture there in the cup of His hand, but I'm down in the lowest part, the safest part. Maybe I'm hiding (likely!). Maybe I'm sleeping. I might be quite oblivious to all that has gone on, especially the goodness and significance of it.
Picture 2--those same hands, me inside, but now the front of the hands--the tip, where the fingers come together--is shaped something like the front of a boat. And I...am getting a little curious. I am crawling up the fingers, peeking up over the top, still a little fearful, hiding, protected behind those strong fingers, but starting to anticipate.
Picture 3--All fear is gone. I'm still IN those hands, still carried, but now I'm standing up there at the front--looking forward, smiling, enjoying, riding the waves of it all. (Hey, maybe I'm actually surfing!) Maybe my hands are raised...
Picture 1 is what I know now. Picture 2 what I am starting to become. Picture 3 is what I will be.
(rough sketches)
Who am I, part 2
I have always loved this song by Margaret Becker
Who am I
by Margaret Becker
Who am I, Jesus
That You call me by name
I am counting the stars
On Your blackened sky
You call them all by name, You know them all by sight
In this sea of lights
I sense Your majesty
And I break at the thought that One so great
Could care for me
CHORUS
Who am I, Jesus
That You call me by name
What could I ever do
To be loved this way
Who am I, Jesus
In Your eyes, tell me, who am I
I am counting the mountains
That I've laid at Your feet
And I'm reduced to tears when I think of how
You've moved them for me
In this storm of life
You've been my safe retreat
Through the wind and the fire You always were there
To carry me
CHORUS
No greater honor could I ever find
Than the privilege to love You for the rest of my life
CHORUS
REPEAT CHORUS
Who am I
by Margaret Becker
Who am I, Jesus
That You call me by name
I am counting the stars
On Your blackened sky
You call them all by name, You know them all by sight
In this sea of lights
I sense Your majesty
And I break at the thought that One so great
Could care for me
CHORUS
Who am I, Jesus
That You call me by name
What could I ever do
To be loved this way
Who am I, Jesus
In Your eyes, tell me, who am I
I am counting the mountains
That I've laid at Your feet
And I'm reduced to tears when I think of how
You've moved them for me
In this storm of life
You've been my safe retreat
Through the wind and the fire You always were there
To carry me
CHORUS
No greater honor could I ever find
Than the privilege to love You for the rest of my life
CHORUS
REPEAT CHORUS
Who am I?
Who am I
Who am I really
In your eyes...
I have heard the voices
Again and again
Echoing through my years
There are so many reflections
The things they say
The things I want to hear
The things I don't
The things some people see
The things I wish others would
The parts of me I've only discovered in recent years
The parts I'm just learning to dare to be
I'm verbal, wordy
It drives people crazy
I'm so ashamed and sensitive
It blesses many
I'm thankful
I'm deep, intense
It blows people away
Tires them out
Tires ME out
Yet inspires
Challenges
I'm driven
For more
To grow
To never stop
To question
To wonder
To never be satisfied with the way things are
To jump in to "what's not being done"
To rescue
To help
To fight for hope
To wake people up
To be more
Even knowing I'll never arrive
...I drive myself crazy
I enjoy life
I don't really think about what to "do for fun"
Fun is had everywhere
I'm a loner
Yet I need people
I want to connect
Yet I don't know how
I love you purely and fully
Yet I deceive myself
Who am I to You
Who do You say I am
I am the one You love
The one who always comes running back
The one who doesn't give up,
But keeps hanging on to Your hand
The hand that is holding me
I am Your beloved, the lily among the thorns
Planted in a very hard place
But beautiful and fragrant to You
I am the one not afraid to enter the pain
The pain that You have seen
I am one guided, all the while so unaware
Walking steady, though it feels so wobbly
Standing firm, with what looks like falling
I am the one loved
In the middle of my clutter
and brokenness
and confusion
I am the one who trusts You
Into the unknown and impossible
And yet I am the one who stresses and doubts
Even though you've supplied and provided
Again and again and again
Oh Jesus,
Tell me...
Who am I
Who am I really
In Your eyes
Who am I?
Who am I really
In your eyes...
I have heard the voices
Again and again
Echoing through my years
There are so many reflections
The things they say
The things I want to hear
The things I don't
The things some people see
The things I wish others would
The parts of me I've only discovered in recent years
The parts I'm just learning to dare to be
I'm verbal, wordy
It drives people crazy
I'm so ashamed and sensitive
It blesses many
I'm thankful
I'm deep, intense
It blows people away
Tires them out
Tires ME out
Yet inspires
Challenges
I'm driven
For more
To grow
To never stop
To question
To wonder
To never be satisfied with the way things are
To jump in to "what's not being done"
To rescue
To help
To fight for hope
To wake people up
To be more
Even knowing I'll never arrive
...I drive myself crazy
I enjoy life
I don't really think about what to "do for fun"
Fun is had everywhere
I'm a loner
Yet I need people
I want to connect
Yet I don't know how
I love you purely and fully
Yet I deceive myself
Who am I to You
Who do You say I am
I am the one You love
The one who always comes running back
The one who doesn't give up,
But keeps hanging on to Your hand
The hand that is holding me
I am Your beloved, the lily among the thorns
Planted in a very hard place
But beautiful and fragrant to You
I am the one not afraid to enter the pain
The pain that You have seen
I am one guided, all the while so unaware
Walking steady, though it feels so wobbly
Standing firm, with what looks like falling
I am the one loved
In the middle of my clutter
and brokenness
and confusion
I am the one who trusts You
Into the unknown and impossible
And yet I am the one who stresses and doubts
Even though you've supplied and provided
Again and again and again
Oh Jesus,
Tell me...
Who am I
Who am I really
In Your eyes
Who am I?
The Kingdom is here
Here and now, "the Kingdom is available,
I just have to want it more than I want anything else...
At any moment it is that simple."
At any moment it is that simple."
How do I help others grow spiritually?"You must arrange your life
so that you are experiencing
deep contentment, joy and confidence
in your every day life with God."
What? This is about helping them, not about me.
"No, the main thing that you bring to [others]
is the person that you become,
and that's what everybody will see
and that's what will get reproduced
and that's what people will believe."
John Ortberg, quoting things learned from Dallas Willard--Session 4, Living in Christ's Presence: Final Words on Heaven and the Kingdom of God
I just have to want it more than I want anything else.
I just have to arrange my life...
This is what will get reproduced...
Remembering
This is where I remember
Well, first I experience
And then I remember
I have known God
God is here, Part 1
God is here, Part 2
These speak to me again today
I weep at the memories
And in the now
It's as if You're here now
Almost saying the very same things
And Just Sit
Is pretty much where I am now too
And because I have been here before
And You spoke then
I can rest and believe now
You, God of all my days
Constantly lead and guide me
And You
Are my constant companion
I'd like to feel You close again
Real close
I think I will again sometime
But for now I am comforted
Remembering
And believing
in the now
Well, first I experience
And then I remember
I have known God
God is here, Part 1
God is here, Part 2
These speak to me again today
I weep at the memories
And in the now
It's as if You're here now
Almost saying the very same things
And Just Sit
Is pretty much where I am now too
And because I have been here before
And You spoke then
I can rest and believe now
You, God of all my days
Constantly lead and guide me
And You
Are my constant companion
I'd like to feel You close again
Real close
I think I will again sometime
But for now I am comforted
Remembering
And believing
in the now
The Invitation
I'm thankful for God's wooing, His calling, His inviting. He
continually calls us back to Himself and what is most important.
I was blessed on Monday by Jer. 23:18, 22, NIV. The context is talking about false prophets,
people who are claiming to speak for God. The Lord says,
18 But which of them has stood in the council of the LORD
to see or to hear his word? Who has listened and heard his word? ...
22 But if they had stood in my council, they would have
proclaimed my words to my people and would have turned them from their evil
ways and from their evil deeds.
The invitation to me these days is to stand in the
council of the Lord, to spend more time in His presence. The things I do
and have to share with others must flow from Him, from being in His council,
hearing His direction. And then, maybe my words and actions will really
have impact in the lives of those around me.
It's not easy. I'm so distracted. There are so many things that are hard
all swimming around in my head. More than anything I need to pour them out
before Him and get His perspective, but pouring it out is not easy either.
I'm so thankful for a patient and loving God, who promises
to continually lead and guide. He promises. I'm counting on it!
Withdrawal
So this is how it feels
When I back away from the places to which I have run
And let myself feel
The emptiness
The hollowness
The places my life is out of balance and lacking
The distance from You
If I can stand to stay here long enough
I just might start to see clearly
Find my way through
Re-build healthy balance
Learn again to be led by Your voice
When I back away from the places to which I have run
And let myself feel
The emptiness
The hollowness
The places my life is out of balance and lacking
The distance from You
If I can stand to stay here long enough
I just might start to see clearly
Find my way through
Re-build healthy balance
Learn again to be led by Your voice
Psalm 23
Yesterday, one of my Scripture readings was an old and familiar passage--Psalm 23.
Psalm 23 (NIV)
A psalm of David.
1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
Yesterday, today, this week, I lean into this again.
Oh Jesus, once again, still, be my Shepherd.
Lead me beside your quiet waters.
Let me soul find rest in green pastures.
Please, restore my weary soul. (Oh, THANK YOU that You will!)
Thank You, that You are guiding me.
Even though I'm not completely sure where I am, You are.
And that is enough.
Psalm 23 (NIV)
A psalm of David.
1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
Yesterday, today, this week, I lean into this again.
Oh Jesus, once again, still, be my Shepherd.
Lead me beside your quiet waters.
Let me soul find rest in green pastures.
Please, restore my weary soul. (Oh, THANK YOU that You will!)
Thank You, that You are guiding me.
Even though I'm not completely sure where I am, You are.
And that is enough.
Grieving for "Hope"
How do I grieve for a dog
How do I get over my sadness about a dog's death
How do I get over the regret for my negligence that made it worse
And the wondering...
should I have cancelled that meeting,
tried harder to warm her up
She needed something more intensive
I know that now
I realize...
I have not known death
I have not known grief
And if it hurts this much for a dog
How much more must it hurt for a person
I facilitate grief support groups
I help teens have a place to work through their pain
And they say it helps
But...I have no idea what I'm talking about
That day, I really felt it
The realization that death is awful
We were not meant for death
It is foreign
It is horrible
I didn't want to deal with her body
Touching it
Feeling her cold
Feeling her stiff
Was so hard
She wasn't supposed to be that way
And she was heavier
(oh, that's where the term "dead weight" comes from)
And I didn't want to be alone picking her up
Putting her into that bag
I thought
If someone else was me
And I was helping them
I could have done it better, easier
But just me
It was so hard
Now, I am still so reminded
I "see" her everywhere
At first it was hearing her barking and whining
(And I realize...all those times I thought she was barking and whining, weren't always her)
And then I see...the things yet to "clean up"
the towels
her box outside
the cardboard bits
the plant and flower bits
(that day she was so 'puppyish')
mopping--suddenly seeing paw prints on the bathroom floor
And then the memories
The way she would walk in circles on her towel before laying down
Day 2--how weak she was, head hanging, almost falling over, falling asleep
How she started to respond, look for me, want to come to me
The last night...wanting to come out, sick, wanting to be close, enjoying her head pat
And most painful, finding her that morning...
I'm so sorry I forgot about the bucket
I didn't know it would be so bad
I wonder how long you were there
What panic it must have been...stuck
How cold it must have been laying there
And that was the last straw
Your already weakened body
A couple of days of diarrhea
Did you eat anything at all that last day?
Pretty much only your own poop
Too weak
Too cold
Too traumatized
And in the end you died
I didn't think I could come to so care for a puppy!
I didn't think I would so LOVE a puppy, so fast
I didn't think it would hurt this much
I don't understand it at all
And I don't know what my theology regarding animals is
But I find myself hoping I will someday see you in heaven
Where all is made right
Where all is forgiven and understood
I hope you know I tried
I hope you know I'm so sorry that I missed that one all important part!
I wonder how long I'll think about you
I wonder if I'll cry for you for more days than I knew you
I wonder what the deeper meaning is in all of this
Why God had you come into my life
I think I can see part of the picture
But...
How do I get over my sadness about a dog's death
How do I get over the regret for my negligence that made it worse
And the wondering...
should I have cancelled that meeting,
tried harder to warm her up
She needed something more intensive
I know that now
I realize...
I have not known death
I have not known grief
And if it hurts this much for a dog
How much more must it hurt for a person
I facilitate grief support groups
I help teens have a place to work through their pain
And they say it helps
But...I have no idea what I'm talking about
That day, I really felt it
The realization that death is awful
We were not meant for death
It is foreign
It is horrible
I didn't want to deal with her body
Touching it
Feeling her cold
Feeling her stiff
Was so hard
She wasn't supposed to be that way
And she was heavier
(oh, that's where the term "dead weight" comes from)
And I didn't want to be alone picking her up
Putting her into that bag
I thought
If someone else was me
And I was helping them
I could have done it better, easier
But just me
It was so hard
Now, I am still so reminded
I "see" her everywhere
At first it was hearing her barking and whining
(And I realize...all those times I thought she was barking and whining, weren't always her)
And then I see...the things yet to "clean up"
the towels
her box outside
the cardboard bits
the plant and flower bits
(that day she was so 'puppyish')
mopping--suddenly seeing paw prints on the bathroom floor
And then the memories
The way she would walk in circles on her towel before laying down
Day 2--how weak she was, head hanging, almost falling over, falling asleep
How she started to respond, look for me, want to come to me
The last night...wanting to come out, sick, wanting to be close, enjoying her head pat
And most painful, finding her that morning...
I'm so sorry I forgot about the bucket
I didn't know it would be so bad
I wonder how long you were there
What panic it must have been...stuck
How cold it must have been laying there
And that was the last straw
Your already weakened body
A couple of days of diarrhea
Did you eat anything at all that last day?
Pretty much only your own poop
Too weak
Too cold
Too traumatized
And in the end you died
I didn't think I could come to so care for a puppy!
I didn't think I would so LOVE a puppy, so fast
I didn't think it would hurt this much
I don't understand it at all
And I don't know what my theology regarding animals is
But I find myself hoping I will someday see you in heaven
Where all is made right
Where all is forgiven and understood
I hope you know I tried
I hope you know I'm so sorry that I missed that one all important part!
I wonder how long I'll think about you
I wonder if I'll cry for you for more days than I knew you
I wonder what the deeper meaning is in all of this
Why God had you come into my life
I think I can see part of the picture
But...
Can't You pick someone else?
Why do You entrust so much to me?
Why do You keep giving me so much?
When I continue to waste so much?
Don't You have better stewards?
Don't You have wiser managers?
Don't You have more willing participants in the tasks You assign?
Oh I'm willing for some, for much
But some...I just keep
Showing up late
With my lame excuses
Head hanging
Not looking You in the eye
I don't want to do it
I don't know how to do it
I wish I didn't have to do it
Couldn't You pick someone else for some of these parts?
Why are You so determined that I learn this thing?
Why must You hold my nose to the grindstone?
What are You planning?
What are You looking for?
What is the lesson to be learned?
What is the glory You hope to gain?
...plan to gain?
I keep running
And balking
And falling flat
And You keep giving
Reminding
Blessing
I keep looking at the road
Running around the starting point
Wandering off the side paths
Hanging out on those benches
You keep pointing to the road
Urging action
"Just walk"
Why do You keep giving me so much?
When I continue to waste so much?
Don't You have better stewards?
Don't You have wiser managers?
Don't You have more willing participants in the tasks You assign?
Oh I'm willing for some, for much
But some...I just keep
Showing up late
With my lame excuses
Head hanging
Not looking You in the eye
I don't want to do it
I don't know how to do it
I wish I didn't have to do it
Couldn't You pick someone else for some of these parts?
Why are You so determined that I learn this thing?
Why must You hold my nose to the grindstone?
What are You planning?
What are You looking for?
What is the lesson to be learned?
What is the glory You hope to gain?
...plan to gain?
I keep running
And balking
And falling flat
And You keep giving
Reminding
Blessing
I keep looking at the road
Running around the starting point
Wandering off the side paths
Hanging out on those benches
You keep pointing to the road
Urging action
"Just walk"
Half the Sky
I've never thought of myself as a feminist
Didn't fight for "women's rights"
In fact, somehow thought it "wasn't necessary"
Not anymore
I missed it
For so long I missed seeing
How I was the beneficiary of those who fought
To gain those "rights"
Education for me...not an issue
Twelve years of compulsory education--of course!
A B.A.--no problem
An M.A.--sure...if you want to
And possibilities to study again
Anytime, Anywhere (almost)
But other places in the world
Being a girl
Means, perhaps,
To be thrown away
Left by the side of the road
(ah, these are the merciful parents, hoping someone else will care)
Or killed
Now in Nigeria
And other countries
If you just want to go to school
And you're a girl
Your safety
Your very life may be at risk
God in heaven
Do You love girls
Did You make girls
With beauty
And dignity
And brains
With skills
To be developed
And honed
Why
Throughout the ages
Have the girls been
So limited
So oppressed
And abused
God in heaven
Please have mercy
Look down on Your daughters
Show us how
To love
To rescue
Somehow, protect them
And, forgive us
We have not seen
We have not valued
We have not treasured
We have not stewarded
Made sure they flourished
Made sure they would thrive
We have not loved
Your girls
Moved today by world news, and lack of action. Overwhelmed...not even knowing if there is anything I can do. I can love those who were "thrown away" here, and I do. For those far away, I can pray, and I can learn, and maybe there is more I can do.
Reference:
Bring Back Our Girls
Half the Sky Movement
Didn't fight for "women's rights"
In fact, somehow thought it "wasn't necessary"
Not anymore
I missed it
For so long I missed seeing
How I was the beneficiary of those who fought
To gain those "rights"
Education for me...not an issue
Twelve years of compulsory education--of course!
A B.A.--no problem
An M.A.--sure...if you want to
And possibilities to study again
Anytime, Anywhere (almost)
But other places in the world
Being a girl
Means, perhaps,
To be thrown away
Left by the side of the road
(ah, these are the merciful parents, hoping someone else will care)
Or killed
Now in Nigeria
And other countries
If you just want to go to school
And you're a girl
Your safety
Your very life may be at risk
God in heaven
Do You love girls
Did You make girls
With beauty
And dignity
And brains
With skills
To be developed
And honed
Why
Throughout the ages
Have the girls been
So limited
So oppressed
And abused
God in heaven
Please have mercy
Look down on Your daughters
Show us how
To love
To rescue
Somehow, protect them
And, forgive us
We have not seen
We have not valued
We have not treasured
We have not stewarded
Made sure they flourished
Made sure they would thrive
We have not loved
Your girls
Moved today by world news, and lack of action. Overwhelmed...not even knowing if there is anything I can do. I can love those who were "thrown away" here, and I do. For those far away, I can pray, and I can learn, and maybe there is more I can do.
Reference:
Bring Back Our Girls
Half the Sky Movement
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