Oh God, I am so distracted. But this...You know. You know me completely, and You love me still--distracted mess that I am and all...and this is still sometimes so hard to really believe.
It has been so hard to focus, to really see You in my days, to know You at the center--of my thinking, of the work and planning, You being the source, the reason for all. You are, and yet I can't see it.
Oh sometimes I'm getting it right, living and acting in line with proper priorities. There are times lately when I've thought You were looking and me and saying: I love your heart. You have a beautiful heart.
Yes, Lord, it is beautiful, parts of it anyway. Thank You. This is the heart You gave me, this is how You taught me to see the world, to see those You love...and tears are streaming down my face as I write this...they started earlier this morning as I was pondering, their stories...
I remembered...a prayer. It was 23 or 24 years ago I first prayed it? I was reading a novel set in WWII and Nazi Germany. I was, with the author and the characters, disturbed by the incredible evil of that time. I remember crying out to You: Give me Your eyes to see this world, I want to see like You see.
Is that why I see what I do and feel what I do? Did You grow and change my heart from that point on? I do know You later showed me--as I kept reading Your Word--Your special compassion for the poor, for the fatherless, how You ask us to speak up for those who can't speak for themselves, defend those who are weak.
And so...it's all hitting me today--the stories I've heard recently, their pain. I have such yearning for them to know--love, healing, hope, peace. Thank You, Lord, You've given opportunity for me, for us, to pass these on, from You to them...even this week.
And there are times it's easy to do. When it becomes desperate. Like this week, when it seemed someone had gone missing, and I was afraid what we'd find was a body, not a live person.
But in the regular monotonous duties--how I fail You again and again! Somehow I can't or don't make the connection between the mundane and the noble. Motivation slips. I slide and slack, making all sorts of excuses.
I'm coming back to You today, these days. I've always been with You. You've always been with me. Yet hopefully You're moving back to front and center, more primary in my thoughts, more primarily the One I'm talking too. You holding me stable, centered, not so buffeted and distracted by...everything else--other people, conversations, tasks, problems.
I'm coming back to You, and I'm asking You to bring me back to You--in my days, through my thoughts, through the circumstances, through Your word, and songs and...however You might want to speak, and draw and mold.
At times like these I realize...maybe I'm already back. Though I feel ... all over the place. Still, what has erupted, from deep down, is that deepest longing...for You, to be in You, and You in me, and that's all.
(Sept. 29 a.m.)