from Henri Nouwen's book The Inner Voice of Love, on the web here.
Stand Erect in Your Sorrow
The question is 'Can you stand erect in your pain, your loneliness, your fears, and your experience of being rejected?' The danger is that you will be swept off your feet by these feelings. They will be here for a long time, and they will go on tempting you to be drowned in them. But you are called to acknowledge them and feel them while remaining on your feet.
Remember, Mary stood under the cross. She suffered her sorrow standing. Remember, Jesus spoke about the cosmic disasters and the glorious appearance of the Son of Man and said to his disciples, 'When these things begin to take place, stand erect, hold your heads high, because your liberation is near at hand' (Luke 2:28). Remember, Peter and John cured the crippled man who was begging at the temple entrance. Peter said to him, 'In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, walk!' (Act 3:6). Then he took him by the right hand and helped him to stand up.
You have to dare to stand erect in your struggles. The temptation is to complain, to beg, to be overwhelmed and find your satisfaction in the pity you evoke. But you know already that this is not gaining for you what your heart most desires. As long as you remain standing, you can speak freely to others, reach out to them, and receive from them. Thus you speak and act from your center and invite others to speak and act from theirs. In this way, real friendships are possible and real community can be formed. God gives you the strength to stand in your struggles and to respond to them standing.
This passage was "for me" the other day when I first read it, as are so many chapters in The Inner Voice of Love. I must learn to stand.
There is something I have discovered in recent years, and it is a great paradox--the more I seek to know God, and the more I seek to enter into and be His hand and heart addressing the problems in the world, the more it hurts. Sometimes...it just hurts real bad! And I wonder how we are supposed to take it. Or I wonder--at the fairness of this, yeah, know Light so much clearer, and then the Darkness looks so much more evil. Sure doesn't feel like an improvement sometimes.
But I can learn to stand. I can avoid those temptations Nouwen names so clearly. "God gives you the strength to stand in your struggles and to respond to them standing."
Joy is BMW
That's what it said--the huge ad on the side of a skyscraper in Bangkok. I did not get to try out a BMW to see if it brought joy, but imagined... Ah, driving a nice car--might be fun, but joy? uh...don't think so.
"A cup of happiness" said the gourmet coffee machine at McDonald's. Now that I did try. The coffee was okay, but happiness?
Nope, not what I'm looking for when I say I want JOY.
I want to
...wake up with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.
...live with a knowing that I am loved, even when trials and opposition comes.
...sing, at least in my heart, even while knowing there is evil all around.
...have conversations where I completely forget myself--where I am completely free to care for and love the other, and completely free to walk away unbound, regardless of their response.
It's an undaunted optimism.
It's a hope in God and His goodness, even when I cannot see.
It's a steadiness in knowing who I am, but not in the eyes of other people.
I want joy, sourced only in my God, to become deeply rooted in my soul, and become one of the main things I am known for. I am not there yet, but I want to go there.
"A cup of happiness" said the gourmet coffee machine at McDonald's. Now that I did try. The coffee was okay, but happiness?
Nope, not what I'm looking for when I say I want JOY.
I want to
...wake up with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.
...live with a knowing that I am loved, even when trials and opposition comes.
...sing, at least in my heart, even while knowing there is evil all around.
...have conversations where I completely forget myself--where I am completely free to care for and love the other, and completely free to walk away unbound, regardless of their response.
It's an undaunted optimism.
It's a hope in God and His goodness, even when I cannot see.
It's a steadiness in knowing who I am, but not in the eyes of other people.
I want joy, sourced only in my God, to become deeply rooted in my soul, and become one of the main things I am known for. I am not there yet, but I want to go there.
Great Place to Spend a Day!
I was there about 8 hours. I was kind of tired at the beginning--hadn't eaten or had anything to drink for 9 hours--that means...no morning coffee! But after a while I started waking up. Once I could drink some juice, I think the sugar kicked in and I was alert enough to think and read. I did my daily Bible reading, caught up on yesterday's and today's. Did some journalling and pondering too. I was seated in the midst of the nations it seemed--so many differing modes of dress--mostly from Arabic nationalites and countries. For my last couple of hours, I was first in the bookstore (somehow it always feels good to buy a good book), then I meandered up the escalator to the food court where I enjoyed a chicken quesadilla while reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and let my mind ponder how we might become more successful at "stewardship delegation" in our office. The atmosphere was quiet and clean, with lots of green and open spaces--so conducive to a quiet soul and pondering. On the way out I picked up a low-fat grande latte from Starbucks, and I was on my way home.
Where was I having such a nice day? At the hospital, of course--Bumrungrad International. Now at how many hospitals would you say that after visiting for 8 hours?
Sometimes my prayer...
...is just a bunch of poured out fears. Sometimes there is pain, and I just lay there in bed, heart exposed, tears flowing...it doesn't even feel like "prayer." Sometimes it seems I don't even know how to pray anymore, or that I have forgotten to seriously pray for others for a very long time. Sometimes it seems like I'm constantly praying--I have been thinking through many things, consciously lifting up all thoughts and anticipating His coming answer...all afternoon, or all day. Sometimes my prayers flow more from my anxieties than from my faith--worry-driven prayer.
Anxiety-as-prayer--in a very real way, it does not honour Him. It does not trust. It does not recognize Him as someone who loves me, who cares, who has power to change things, and is interested in acting on my behalf in all ways good and true. Like the child who keeps asking mom or dad if they are really going to follow-through on their promises. If my kid acted like that--wow, that would hurt. Don't you know me by now? What kind of person am I? Do I just loosely say I will do something and then not follow-through?
Yet, while some of the heart of these prayers is not yet right, not yet pure, taking it to Him, is still the best thing to do. And, I believe He honours that. At least I am taking it to Him, and not somewhere else (oh, I do that too sometimes). At least in bringing it to Him, I am still engaged in this relationship, where I can be changed, and He can show me where the heart is not quite right.
In this sort of prayer, there is a belief that I am loved, and this does honour Him. I am loved beyond what I can imagine. This is the safest place. All the performing, all the trying...I don't have to do that here. I can be me, just as it is--in-process, somehow beautiful to Him--and be loved and accepted here.
And so I pray. I pray like this.
Anxiety-as-prayer--in a very real way, it does not honour Him. It does not trust. It does not recognize Him as someone who loves me, who cares, who has power to change things, and is interested in acting on my behalf in all ways good and true. Like the child who keeps asking mom or dad if they are really going to follow-through on their promises. If my kid acted like that--wow, that would hurt. Don't you know me by now? What kind of person am I? Do I just loosely say I will do something and then not follow-through?
Yet, while some of the heart of these prayers is not yet right, not yet pure, taking it to Him, is still the best thing to do. And, I believe He honours that. At least I am taking it to Him, and not somewhere else (oh, I do that too sometimes). At least in bringing it to Him, I am still engaged in this relationship, where I can be changed, and He can show me where the heart is not quite right.
In this sort of prayer, there is a belief that I am loved, and this does honour Him. I am loved beyond what I can imagine. This is the safest place. All the performing, all the trying...I don't have to do that here. I can be me, just as it is--in-process, somehow beautiful to Him--and be loved and accepted here.
And so I pray. I pray like this.
Forays of the Prodigal
Did he ever run away again?
After going so far
Living so low
Repenting so completely
Knowing such grace…
Did he ever leave again?
He never imagined he would
How could he want to?
That night at the banquet
He was a truly changed man
This mercy, this grace
He could only be thankful
But not too long after
He felt it again
Those same frustrations
Same temptations
He just had to leave
Oh, the forays were different now
Not as long
Not as far
Sometimes the distance was only emotional, inside
And the time gone
Each time became shorter
Sooner, he “came to his senses”
But one thing never changed
Always was his Father waiting there
Always he came running
Always were the arms wide open
Always was there complete forgiveness and grace
For he had always been
The beloved son
He had always been heir
Meant to live out the family name
It did take time though
To grow into the reality
A Prayer for Children
I saw this today, and wept...pray for the children (source listed at bottom).
A Prayer for Children
Lord of Life,
We pray for scampy children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
God of Compassion,
We pray for children
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who never play tag or go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
Loving Father,
We thank you for the children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.
And we hurt for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who don't have rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.
Gracious God, help us be gracious to children
who spend their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.
Almighty God, help us bring justice for those children
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything
Who have never seen dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being
Lord Jesus, we thank you that you are the One who welcomes children, may we do so as well
We pray for all children
Who want to be carried, who don’t want to be carried and for those who must,
We pray that we would never give up on any of them
And that you would gather them up,
Cuddle them like lost sheep
And release them to be your love, light, and salt in the world.
For we believe Lord in your kingdom – your playground
Where goodness is stronger than evil
Love is stronger than hate
Light is stronger than darkness
Truth is stronger than lies
We need not be afraid.
Lord of Life,
We pray for scampy children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
God of Compassion,
We pray for children
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who never play tag or go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
Loving Father,
We thank you for the children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.
And we hurt for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who don't have rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.
Gracious God, help us be gracious to children
who spend their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.
Almighty God, help us bring justice for those children
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything
Who have never seen dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being
Lord Jesus, we thank you that you are the One who welcomes children, may we do so as well
We pray for all children
Who want to be carried, who don’t want to be carried and for those who must,
We pray that we would never give up on any of them
And that you would gather them up,
Cuddle them like lost sheep
And release them to be your love, light, and salt in the world.
For we believe Lord in your kingdom – your playground
Where goodness is stronger than evil
Love is stronger than hate
Light is stronger than darkness
Truth is stronger than lies
We need not be afraid.
I saw this on Don Johnson's blog, originally from Jon Lemmond--both are pastors in California.
Preparing to Draw
And while I draw, may I relax, leave the worry...call it 'prayer drawing' or 'listening drawing'.
May my mind be free to be led by You, God. May the thoughts, ideas receive the time and space they need to mature, or ferment or ripen. Or maybe it is that I need the time and space to mature, ferment or ripen in the process. Do Your work in me, Good God.
Silence and Solitude
Today I am aiming for more solitude and silence, but not very sure what I am doing, not much sure what a "successful" result will be, what the final picture will look like. I'm taking my meals and eating alone--otherwise I will so easily and deeply engage with all the interesting people at the table. But...if it is solitude I want, what am I doing online, 'connecting' through the web? And what am I doing writing--sure, no audio, but voicing thoughts.
I hardly know what silence and solitude should look like, and my mind is so full of ideas and so easily distracted that it is hard work to get there. And, I'm not even sure what the result will be. But I am here. I will limit my internet use. And as for the result, I trust the words of those more experience than I.
In Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership Ruth Haley Barton says,
I hardly know what silence and solitude should look like, and my mind is so full of ideas and so easily distracted that it is hard work to get there. And, I'm not even sure what the result will be. But I am here. I will limit my internet use. And as for the result, I trust the words of those more experience than I.
In Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership Ruth Haley Barton says,
Solitude will do its good work whether we know what we are doing or not. One of the primary functions of solitude is to settle ourselves in God's presence. This is not easy and it takes time. But it is the answer to the heart cry that erupts when we have been distracted for too long by surface concerns. 'I have lost myself!' we cry. Solitude is the only way to find ourselves again. And the longer we have been lost to ourselves, caught up with external stimulation, the longer it takes to find our way home again. (p. 41)
...we need to be careful of ourselves and our expectations. Most of what happens in solitude is happening under the surface, and God is doing it. Just as most of what's happening in the ocean is under the surface and most of what's happening to a seed in winter is under the earth, so the most important stuff that is happening to the human soul in solitude is happening under the surface, where only God knows about it. (pp 41-42)
...solitude, that place where God is at work beyond what we are able to do for ourselves or would even know how to do for ourselves. (p. 43)
...we need to be careful of ourselves and our expectations. Most of what happens in solitude is happening under the surface, and God is doing it. Just as most of what's happening in the ocean is under the surface and most of what's happening to a seed in winter is under the earth, so the most important stuff that is happening to the human soul in solitude is happening under the surface, where only God knows about it. (pp 41-42)
...solitude, that place where God is at work beyond what we are able to do for ourselves or would even know how to do for ourselves. (p. 43)
So...I'm here LORD, it's an attempt at solitude...actually, this whole vacation time is a pulling away from the usual distractions, to settle myself in Your presence. Please, do Your work O God. Do something real, something needed, something real important...even if I am unaware.
What about you? Do you practise times of silence and solitude? What has been your experience? What kind of struggles did you have in the process? Rewards of the practise?
What about you? Do you practise times of silence and solitude? What has been your experience? What kind of struggles did you have in the process? Rewards of the practise?
Life as process (or art as a spiritual discipline)
As I was drawing, I had the same sense I had when I wrote Art... and Transformation. (That piece came while doing a simple line drawing last time I was on a silent retreat.)
Playing with the pastels today, I realized I should keep learning to draw, and perhaps especially with pastels, as a discipline to train myself to honour the beauty and value of process. The initial lines look real bad---even in the YouTube videos by the experts. The first underlying colours are hardly identifiable in the end. My problem was that the first time through I applied the underlying colour much too lightly. I was afraid the mess, the wrong colour would stand out too strong in the end, but that looked worse. It needed strong colour, so that later, when other shades were added, there was something to grab, pull in, and blend together. It is the process, layer upon layer, no one layer making much sense on its own, that eventually leads to the completed image.
What about the strong colour of certain life experiences? How does that part make sense? Maybe it was not supposed to...on its own. My personality, I am told, can be rather strong. So, I become so afraid, and hold back from being who I am. Untempered, unrefined, it looks too messy. Others do not understand and I pull back. But it IS being refined, it is not as messy as it used to be. And maybe, in the lives of others, my part is to add some of those strong bold lines that give definition, sharpen the focus, give a depth of meaning and create contrast. Another time, place, or circumstance will bring the softer colours, or the blending process.
What a country...
A woman was speaking in the massage shop beside the restaurant in which I was eating. Yeah, it looks like a good and legit massage shop...open for all the world to see--actually, you'd get a massage as you are looking onto a beach and ocean. Nice.
" {Thai language...something, something, something...} sex-EE! "
I looked over...who was saying what to whom? She was fingering through a small girl's hair--looked like it had just been washed. The girl looked to be 7 or 8.
"Sexy" --is that all a female thinks of being here?
Two days ago some of us were talking. I mentioned a statistic I had heard. Beyond all the foreigners coming here for the sex trade, it's pretty much a part of the local culture. Years ago I heard a CNN report that said 70% of Thai men lose their virginity to a prostitute. A woman who had worked in the country for many years made it clear that she thinks it is higher than that. Fathers take their sons to a prostitute for the 'first time', show them how to be with a woman.
So, little girl, you want to be "sex-EE".
Yeah...this could be an over-reaction, taking one little comment too far. However, knowing what happens with adults in families, today, looking at children, I couldn't help but imagine their futures...and then hope and pray for a DIFFERENT future for them.
" {Thai language...something, something, something...} sex-EE! "
I looked over...who was saying what to whom? She was fingering through a small girl's hair--looked like it had just been washed. The girl looked to be 7 or 8.
"Sexy" --is that all a female thinks of being here?
Two days ago some of us were talking. I mentioned a statistic I had heard. Beyond all the foreigners coming here for the sex trade, it's pretty much a part of the local culture. Years ago I heard a CNN report that said 70% of Thai men lose their virginity to a prostitute. A woman who had worked in the country for many years made it clear that she thinks it is higher than that. Fathers take their sons to a prostitute for the 'first time', show them how to be with a woman.
So, little girl, you want to be "sex-EE".
Yeah...this could be an over-reaction, taking one little comment too far. However, knowing what happens with adults in families, today, looking at children, I couldn't help but imagine their futures...and then hope and pray for a DIFFERENT future for them.
So Quick to Judge
It happened so fast
Just the other day
I had them both pegged
And judged
But I was so wrong
My judgement was sheer arrogance
So quickly viewing externals
And adding my own...
My own what?
And why?
Where does that come from?
Only from an ugly heart
Not a pure heart
Not a heart that sees the way You see
And yet maybe Your vision was there too
Because, very quickly I knew
I could see the thoughts were wrong
And there was an openness
To being proved wrong
And seeing another view
And a repentance
Lord, please cleanse me of this pride, this arrogance. It has really got to go.
Just the other day
I had them both pegged
And judged
But I was so wrong
My judgement was sheer arrogance
So quickly viewing externals
And adding my own...
My own what?
And why?
Where does that come from?
Only from an ugly heart
Not a pure heart
Not a heart that sees the way You see
And yet maybe Your vision was there too
Because, very quickly I knew
I could see the thoughts were wrong
And there was an openness
To being proved wrong
And seeing another view
And a repentance
Lord, please cleanse me of this pride, this arrogance. It has really got to go.
Twenty Years From Now
Well J.W., what a pleasure to have met you. You are an amazing woman. Down to earth, energetic, easily interacting with all ages. You can laugh, you can cry, and yet know there is an appropriate time for each. You gained my respect almost the first day I met you, and that wasn't even two weeks ago.
You're warm, and friendly, and yet could never be mushy or over-bearing about it. You know the pain of the world, of others, and I'm sure you've known your own--yet you bear it without complaining. There is a life to you, a spunk, an optimism, a joy, that has lasted through the years and challenges and transitions. No self-pity. No "oh look how I've served, struggled and suffered." No, none of that, "That wouldn't do now, would it?" (I can hear you saying those very words, your lovely British accent, even now as I write.)
You, my dear, have become for me another one who shows me how I want to live. Down the road, another twenty years from now (for you are about twenty years older than me), should the Lord grant me the years, I hope I will be like you in so many ways. Living in hope. Loving my God. Blessing the world.
And while you're certainly not "old" (definitely not!) you've added vision to my Old Lady Dreams...
Thank you. I hope we shall meet again in coming years.
You're warm, and friendly, and yet could never be mushy or over-bearing about it. You know the pain of the world, of others, and I'm sure you've known your own--yet you bear it without complaining. There is a life to you, a spunk, an optimism, a joy, that has lasted through the years and challenges and transitions. No self-pity. No "oh look how I've served, struggled and suffered." No, none of that, "That wouldn't do now, would it?" (I can hear you saying those very words, your lovely British accent, even now as I write.)
You, my dear, have become for me another one who shows me how I want to live. Down the road, another twenty years from now (for you are about twenty years older than me), should the Lord grant me the years, I hope I will be like you in so many ways. Living in hope. Loving my God. Blessing the world.
And while you're certainly not "old" (definitely not!) you've added vision to my Old Lady Dreams...
Thank you. I hope we shall meet again in coming years.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
